IHLW: The Insanity Returns! Apr 5, 2020 14:45:45 GMT -5
Post by LillaThrilla on Apr 5, 2020 14:45:45 GMT -5
April 1, 2020 - Streaming live on the internet from an undisclosed location.
"That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die."
-H.P. Lovecraft, Call of Cthulhu
"If you insist, we can pursue this fracas to its final stupidity."
The following has been rated "M" for Mature due to a certain foul-mouthed announcer and some tasteless gimmicks.
Your announcers are Jim Cornette, Dario Cueto, and Scott Keith.
Jim: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to whatever the fuck "Insane Hardcore Lucha Wrestling" is. I have no idea why I was hired for this fucking job because everyone knows I hate hardcore wrestling. And who the fuck are you two?
Dario: I am Dario Cueto and I'm here because I love vio-lence! For four seasons, Lucha Underground was the center of all things insane, hardcore, and lucha!
Scott: I'm one of those internet smarks you hate, Jim. I'm here because everyone has a price and someone met mine. I'll be rating this shit-show on my classic "hot pokers up the ass" rating system. And if anyone makes any jokes about fried chicken...
Dario: I love friend chicken!
Jim: It was a joke, goddammit! People are so fucking uptight these days. But when I was hired I was told to be on my best fucking behavior so that's what I'll fucking do. So we're here in Parts Unknown for this mysterious supercard, although we don't have a fucking crowd because of the goddam Coronapocalypse which makes this whole thing even stupider.
Dario: I love apocalypses! That's why I had my brother possessed by an ancient Aztec god.
Match 1: Six-Man Tag Match
Circus music brings out a trio of evil clowns from Mexico. "Who Let The Dogs Out?" by Baha Men brings out Roman Reigns, Rodney Mack, and Davey Boy Smith Jr.
Reigns: Big Dawg in the house! With me are The Badd Dawg and The British Bulldog. The World Health Organization says we aren't contagious so we can fight tonight. In other words: WHO let the dawgs out!
Dario: I love dogs! Especially when they're trained to be violent animals who tear people apart.
The Dawg Pound (Davey Boy Smith Jr., Rodney Mack and Roman Reigns) defeated Psycho Circus (Monster Clown, Murder Clown and Psycho Clown)
when Smith pinned Monster Clown with the Running Powerslam in 0:22:13.
[Madman Fulton and Jon Moxley interfered against Rodney Mack.]
The Dawgs emerged victious despite Jon Moxley and Madman Fulton taking out Rodney Mack at ringside. The three brawled up the ramp, with Moxley finishing Mack off via the Paradigm Shift. As Reigns and Smith got their hands raised, Moxley got a microphone.
Moxley: Enjoy your victory while you can. We're living in crazy times and that means the future belongs to The Lunatic Fringe!
Dario: I love crazy people! They're so vio-lent!
Scott: This gimmick is stupid, but it was actually a good match and no dog food was involved meaning it's still better than the Reigns-Corbin feud.
"Hangman" Adam Page is in a bar backstage. He's furiously rifling through a liquor cabinet. He occasionally screams in disgust. Matt Riddle, Mark Stunt, and Heath Slater wander in.
Riddle: What's the matter, bro?
Page: I'm supposed to be in the title tournament tonight, but I can't do cowboy shit while I'm sober.
Riddle: Yeah, bro, but you're in a bar.
Page: ALL THE BEER HAS BEEN REPLACED BY BOTTLES OF CORONA!
Heath Slater: Oh no!
Marko Stunt: Oh no!
Riddle: Oh no, bro!
Suddenly a bottle smashes over Page's head from behind and he collapses on the floor.
Kassius: OH YEAH!!!
Jim: What the fuck was that about?
Scott: It's a Family Guy reference.
Match 2: Four Corners Match For the IHLW Tag Team Titles
Rap music brings out Mustafa Ali and Chad Gable dressed like chavs. "Purple Rain" by Prince brings out Velveteen Dream, TAFKA Prince Iaukea, and Paisley in a team up that I'm surprised WWE hasn't done yet. "Gettin' Jiggy With It" by Will Smith brings out Zicky Ziggy Dice and Dolph Ziggler in matching blue track suits. They dance their way to the ring. "Run Through The Jungle" by Creedance Clearweater Revival brings out Jungle Boy riding on the shoulders of Luchasaurus.
Scott: I see the booker her reads my Smackdown recaps.
Jim: I've lost track of which of these stupid fucking gimmicks are new to IHLW and how many are just leftovers from WWE and AEW. Is Vince Russo booking this shit?
Dario: Luchasaurus! I am so happy to see he is still wrestling. The fans loved him in Lucha Underground.
No-Countout-No-DQ-Four Corners Match for the vacant IHLW Tag Team Titles
Gettin Ziggy With It (Dolph Ziggler and Ziggy Dice) defeated Purple Rain (The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea and Velveteen Dream), Da Ali G Show (Ali and Shorty G),
and A Boy And His Dinosaur (Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus):
x Ziggler beat Ali via a power bomb in 0:22:07
x Dice beat Luchasaurus via the Snake Rattle and Roll in 0:25:31
x Ziggler beat Dream via the Zig Zag in 0:37:16
(Gettin Ziggy With It won the IHLW Tag Team Titles.)
Ziggy and Ziggler dance some afterwards to celebrate.
Speaking of dancing, when it's time for the next match we get "Stayin' Alive" by The Bee Gees. Out comes Stu Grayson looking like he raided Disco Inferno's locker
Grayson: Disco Stu Grayson loves disco music! Yeah!
Jim: Why the fuck is this idiot from AEW doing? I thought it was bad enough when he was hanging out with a fat gimp.
Scott: It's a Simpson's reference.
The Mongrovian National Anthem plays.
Jim: Now here's a stupid gimmick I can get behind!
The Question Mark pinned Disco Stu Grayson with the Mongrovian Spike in 0:07:03 .
Rating: * 3/4
Jinder Mahal comes out to "John Dunbar Theme" from Dances with Wolves. He looks like he raided Tatanka's locker for his wardrobe.
Mahal: I could not be an inspiration to the people of India like the WWE wanted me to to be. But recently, while using some special natural medications and watching Kevin Costner movies, I had a spiritual awakening. I realized I could be an icon for a different Indian nation. Like the great Tatanka before me, I will embrace the great culture of American Indians and be their new hero. Beware my tomahawk chop!
Scott: *sighs, takes off headset, walks away*
Jim: Not my joke this time!
Dario: I love the Indian Wars! So much vio-lence!
"Ship To Wreck" by Florence + The Machine brings out Paige.
Paige: Jinder, we can't let this travesty go on any longer.
Jinder: Who is we?
The Terminator Theme brings out Brian Cage who stalks down to the ring and promptly demolishes Jinder. Weapon X plants Jinder right on his headdress.
Dario: Cage! Another star from Lucha Underground!
Jim: Paige! Cage! Rage! I get it!
Match 4: Title Tournament Quarterfinals
"Light My Fire" by The Doors brings out John Morrison.
Morrison: Johnny Insanity is here to take IHLW to Slamtown!
"Let Us Prey" By Judas Priest brings out Damian Prest.
Priest: I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm actually a priest. I'm here to bring salvation to IHLW. Repent for all your miztakes, Johnny!
Johnny Insanity pinned Damian Priest with the Starship Pain in 0:07:37.
Rating: *** 1/4
Match 5: Title Tournament Quarterfinals
Kassius has taken Adam Page's place in the tournament.
Kassius Ohno pinned Matt Riddle after a rolling elbowsmash in 0:11:43.
Match 6: Title Tournament Quarterfinals
Pre-match vigenettes show Apollo Crews at Space Camp and Jason Jordan shooting hoops. Apollo comes out wearing a NASA uniform while Jordan is wearing a #23 Bulls jersey.
Jason Jordan pinned Apollo Cruise with the Hoist Neckbreaker in 0:04:06.
Rating: *** 1/4
Match 7: Title Tournament Quarterfinals
Shortly before his match, Rusev encouners Heath Slater.
Rusev: Do you know what today is?
Slater: April Fools Day.
Rusev: WRONG. It's Rusev Day! And you know what tomorrow will be?
Slater: Also Rusev Day?
Rusev: You learn quick!
Slater: I got kids, man.
Aleister Black pinned Rusev after a diving Meteora in 0:06:02.
Matches 8 & 9: Title-Tournament Semi-Finals
Johnny Insanity pinned Kassius Ohno with the Starship Pain in 0:04:28.
Rating: ** 1/4
Aleister Black pinned Jason Jordan with the Black Mass in 0:09:37.
Rating: ** 1/4
Mike Kanellis is shown already in the ring, the only guy on the entire show who gets a jobber entrance. "What A Rush" by Jimmy Hart (the old LOD theme) brings out Lio Rush wearing facepaint and spiked shoulderpads. He squashes Kanellis in short order.
Lio Rush pinned Mike Kanellis with the Final Hour in 0:01:15.
Match 11: Tournament Finals (Main Event)
[Finals]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Match for the vacant IHLW Championship
Aleister Black pinned Johnny Insanity with the Black Mass in 0:07:10.
Rating: ** 1/4
(Aleister Black won the IHLW Championship.)
After the match, Black gets a microphone.
Black: Evil is here in IHLW. You're looking at its face. I am The Prince Of Darkness. Are you the one who knocks?
Dario: I loved this show! What do you think of it, Jim?
Jim: Thank you, fuck you, bye.