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Post by gentlemanjeff on Sept 9, 2010 19:20:32 GMT -5
The IHLW One Night Stand card inspired me to recreate one of my favorite past TNM projects: Wacked Out Zany Wrestling. And here it shall come to pass; for lo, it is good; look upon my feets as proof!
I have nice feet is what I'm saying.
Also, unfortunately new profiles cannot be created on the TNM7 site so this will be 3:16 exclusive. Can someone maybe make a page announcing my sure-to-be-impressive new endeavor? Many thanks.
Finally, my formatting will be shamelessly ripping off King of Old School's WWF circuit, since I think that's the best framework.
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Sept 9, 2010 19:23:58 GMT -5
WOZW TV on the Internet!
January 6, 1993
St. Louis Civic Auditorium Center, St. Louis, MO
Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Chimp Maelstrom.
Legendary play-by-play man Gorilla Monsoon and color commentator, Chimp Maelstrom, welcomed everyone to the first broadcast of Wacked Out Zany Wrestling, the newest force in sportsesque entertainment. Monsoon said though only days in the making thanks to a sizable capital contribution from the U.S. Government, the hastily assembled roster of WOZW was the greatest collection of wrestling talent in the history of this noble planet. They hyped the tag team main event of Diamond Studd and “Rap Master” PN News taking on “The Voodoo Priest” Papa Shango and “The Incredible” Oz, guaranteeing it would kick things off right.
But first, the chairman of WOZW, “Crazy” Bill “Bang Bang” Watts made his way out with his assistant, noted Ghostbuster Harold Ramis. The St. Louis crowd exploded in welcoming their hero and savior back to professionalish wrestling. Crazy Bill welcomed everyone and declared tonight the inaugural event of Wacked Out Zany Wrestling, a promotion created by the newest President of the United States of America as an international goodwill gesture. Watts praised his vision and thanked the President, whom he did not mention by name because of course by now everyone in America was familiar with the story of the dark horse miracle candidate who defeated George HW Bush, Bill Clinton and even Ross Perot in a shocking upset victory, and naming him would be silly and redundant.
Crazy Bill then hyped the main event, saying it featured four of the biggest stars in the wrestling world. Every promotion must have its crown jewel, however, and on that note Watts introduced tonight’s special guest, the one, the only…the last word in law enforcement, RoboCop! Robo…Cop…slowly…emerged…from…the…back and handed Crazy Bill Watts a title belt, which Bill declared the WOZW Championship, the most prestigious wrestling accomplishment in all the world! Crazy Bill said it would be decided in the showcase WrestleBowl match at the first ever WOZW pay per view, WrestleSlamBowl, next month, but until then RoboCop would be guarding it!
Suddenly, Crazy Bill was interrupted by a heavy bass beat and horrible rap lyrics as PN News, a pudgy white man in lime green tights, danced out. PN News thanked the crazy cowboy for the opportunity to wrestle in the WOZW and said he’d be the first ever WOZW Champion because he’s so gangsta’. As the crowd cheered, though, the lights went dark and the Zanytron lit up, revealing the face of…The Black Scorpion! Speaking in a thick Spanish accent, The Scorpion taunted PN News and said he could never hope to overcome someone as tricky as The Black Scorpion!
Cowboy Bret Harte made Kwang submit to the Double Leg Lasso Lockup in 0:05:29.
Rating: **
Gorilla and Chimp promoted Cowboy Bret Harte, the young newcomer to the world of pro wrestling, as a true up and comer. An inset promo showed Bret Harte awkwardly roping cattle and saddling a horse. Harte said he cared about two things in life: Working his ranch in the Wild Canadian West and wrestling. Harte said he loved the west so much he may one day write about it. Harte put away Kwang with his version of the scorpion deathlock.
Diamond Studd was backstage with Baboon Storm. Studd said he was the most brilliant, from a light refractory perspective, man in the world. He said St. Louis was the diamond of the Missouri-Illinois state border. The Studd stroked his many diamond necklaces and said he’d defeat all comers and be the first WOZW Champion.
The British Bulldog was rolling his suitcase through the arena’s parking garage. The Bulldog said he’d be the first WOZW Champion because he’s PECUUUUUUUULLIIIIAAAAAAARRR!
Backstage, The Black Scorpion was befuddling “The Incredible” Oz and his manager, The Wizard, with three card monty. PN News walked up in a huff and demanded to know who Black Scorpion thought he was. The masked man performed a card trick and yelled “WOOOO!” distracting PN News long enough for a second Black Scorpion to sneak up behind him and attack! The two Black Scorpions put the boots to PN News and left him laying cold.
Irwin R. Schyster pinned The Lightning Kid with the Stock Market Crash in 0:04:52.
Rating: 3/4*
IRS, who is double-employed as WOZW’s in-house accountant, had his hands full with the spunky youngster from Minnesota. The Lightning Kid climbed the top rope looking for the Lightningsault, but The Mad Dentist, Isaac Yankem DDS, made his way down to the ring and shoved The Kid off the top! Referee Lemur Blizzard missed the costly interference, allowing IRS to pick The Kid up and finish him off.
Diamond Studd was shown backstage appealing to Harold Ramis, saying PN News was too hurt to wrestle in the main event tonight after the attack by The Black Scorpion earlier. Before Ramis could reply, Makin’ a Difference Fatu, the streetwise Samoan who tries to have a positive influence on young people’s lives, walked in and offered to make a difference tonight by tagging with Diamond Studd! Studd accepted the help.
Crazy Bill Watts was backstage with Ape Hurricane. Crazy Bill said The Black Scorpion, WHOEVER?! HE MAY BE, wouldn’t get away with that kind of sneaky behavior in a Bill Watts promotion. Watts said The Black Scorpion would have to face his special enforcer, RoboCop tonight! And, as a reward to the great fans in the city of St. Louis, the winner would be the inaugural WOZW Greater St. Louis Gateway Metropolitan Area Champion!
The sniveling Repo Man was backstage with reporter Baboon Storm. Repo Man said he would repossess everything of value in the WOZW, whether it was made of gold…or diamonds.
Gorilla Monsoon mentioned before tonight’s featured match that next week WOZW would be in Eugene, OR, and in two weeks would kick off its first international trip at the behest of the U.S. State Department: a tour of the Pacific Islands!
Diamond Studd and Makin' a Difference Fatu defeated Papa Shango and Oz when Fatu pinned Oz after a superkick in 0:05:40.
Papa Shango suffered a torn ligament in his left knee. He will be out for approximately two months.
Rating: -3/4*
Wild match, you should’ve seen it. An all-out brawl for most of the contest, with Repo Man complicating things when he crept down to ringside and stole the Diamond Studd’s diamond necklaces from the time keeper’s table! The Studd slid out and chased Repo Man around the ring while Papa Shango and Oz double-teamed the inspirational Fatu, but suddenly PN News came running down to the ring to help his friends! All good guys are friends! Referee Howler Gale lost control of the match as a six-man brawl spilled ringside, but Oz was distracted by the chaos long enough for Fatu to sneak in a superkick and score the pinfall.
Crazy Bill Watts marched out with Harold Ramis and demanded that everyone stop fighting. When no one listened, he pulled out a six-shooter and fired a few rounds in the air! The intimidated roster members stopped and paid attention. Crazy Bill said he loved the fire they were all showing but didn’t want his wrestler-types fighting each other outside of sanctioned matches. So, he would give them all a chance to get their hands on each other where it meant something. Watts declared that the Diamond Studd, PN News, Fatu, Papa Shango, Oz, the Repo Man, a special mystery entrant and the winner of tonight’s Black Scorpion/RoboCop match would all compete in a special tournament beginning next week with the winner being the first WOZW Champion!
“Uh, pardon me sir.”
“What’choo want, Harry?”
“The WOZW title was already promised to the WrestleSlamBowl WrestleBowl winner. The paperwork has been signed.”
“Huh.”
Crazy Bill said fine, he had lots of titles backstage. If he couldn’t give out the WOZW title, then the winner of this tournament would be awarded the WOZW World Championshipweight Title! Yeehaw! Watts fired his gun again as Ramis rubbed his forehead in frustration.
Backstage, Irwin R. Shyster and Isaac Yankem announced to Ape Hurricane that they were forming Tooth Fairy, Inc., and they’d be the greatest tag team in WOZW. In the WOZW? In WOZW. Yeah, that’s it.
Ring announcer Monkey Tornado began the ring introductions for the main event. The Black Scorpion came out in a flowing robe and WOOO’ed the whole way. As he got himself ready in the ring, delivering chops to a phantom opponent in the corner and testing the second turnbuckle to see if it could withstand a hilarious pratfall flip, Mr. Tornado began the ring introduction for the steel lawman and sometimes wrestle-person, RoboCop. The familiar RoboCop theme song played and smoke filled the arena, and out came…ROBOCOP!
Black Scorpion I defeated RoboCop by countout in 0:00:24.
Rating: -**** ½
(Black Scorpion I won the WOZW Greater St. Louis Gateway Metropolitan Area Title.)
But he was coming so slowly! The mechanical man stomped his way to ringside, but his bulky robot joints could only move so much. While the crowd roared for their hero, senior referee Pongo Squall, who had the limits of television-internet time to think about, had no choice but to call for the bell to be rung. The Black Scorpion waited in anticipation as Pongo began a slow count to ten. One, two, three…RoboCop was in the aisle…four, five, six…RoboCop was near ringside…seven, eight, nine…RoboCop’s cybernetically modified feet couldn’t fit on the standard-size ringsteps! Ten!
Gorilla and Chimp were in shock as The Black Scorpion became the first ever WOZW title-holder and secured himself a spot in next week’s mysterious special tournament with the World Championshipweight Title on the line. The Black Scorpion held his arm aloft as Pongo Squall handed him the title and Monsoon thanked everyone for watching!
Next week: WOZW gets its booty pillaged, the ultimate competitor, an important announcement and all your favorites in action! It’s WOZW TV…on the Internet!
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Post by LillaThrilla on Sept 11, 2010 15:26:10 GMT -5
The IHLW One Night Stand card inspired me to recreate one of my favorite past TNM projects: Wacked Out Zany Wrestling. Fear me: I'm a trend setter! Cowboy Bret Harte and his Double Leg Lasso Lockup was my favorite part, with an honorable mention to the [simian] [natural disaster] running joke. |
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Oct 25, 2010 11:37:35 GMT -5
WOZW TV on the Internet!
January 13, 1993
Eugene War Memorial Coliseum Palace, Eugene, OR
Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Chimp Maelstrom.
Gorilla and The Chimp welcomed everyone to the second edition of Wacked Out Zany Wrestling, the ONLY wrestling promotion made possible by a State Department grant designed by the President of the United States to exploit GAAP goodwill accounting rules enroute to eliminating the budget deficit! WOW! No, WOZW!
Gorilla and Chimp hyped tonight’s featured bouts: The Legion of Doom, the most feared tag team in all of professional wrestling history, makes its WOZW debut and THE NATURAL DISASTERS EXPLODE! Earthquake versus Typhoon! Also, “Crazy” Bill “Bang Bang” Watts, the chairman of WOZW by executive order, puts the WOZW World Championshipweight title on the line in a Battle Royal!
Baboon Storm was backstage with the eye-patched Pirate, Jean-Pierre Lafitte! Lafitte said he was Bill Watts’ promised mystery entrant in tonight’s battle royal. The Pirate thanked Crazy Bill for the arr-pportunity and promised to make his opponents walk the plank. Lafitte says he’s glad to be in the pirate capital of Northwest Oregon, Eugene!
Backstage two Black Scorpions were befuddling Cowboy Bret Harte, who had a six-shooter slung on his belt and a lasso in his hands, with a variety of card tricks and illusions. PN News marched in and said he would fight both Black Scorpions right there, right now. Bret Harte hit the old dusty trail. One of the masked men performed a card trick and yelled “WOOOO!” distracting PN News long enough for a third Black Scorpion to sneak up behind him and attack! The three Black Scorpions put the boots to PN News and left him laying cold.
Red Rooster pinned The Suicide Kid with the Cock Block in 0:06:31.
Rating: * ½
Red Rooster cut an inset promo during the match declaring that he’s the new cock of the walk in WOZW. He ended it with his catchphrase, “I will rule the roost!” before unleashing his signature cock crow. In real time, though, the Rooster had his hands full with the excitable youngster from the Midwest. The Suicide Kid went to the top rope for the Suicidesault but Rooster pulled the referee in front of him. The Kid climbed down and Rooster pushed referee Gibbon Cyclone into him, giving him just enough of a distraction to catch The Kid with his devastating diving shoulderblock to the knee.
Typhoon was backstage with Ape Hurricane. Typhoon introduced his new tag team partner, The Shark. Typhoon said he will defeat Earthquake tonight and then he and the Shark will take the tag division…by storm. He also said Eugene, OR sucks.
WOZW TV on the Internet! came back from commercial to see Earthquake walking through the arena hallways. Earthquake bore a look of grim determination while Monsoon and Maelstrom speculated on the intensity of the Natural Disasters rivalry. Gorilla also mentioned that Earthquake is a huge fan of Oregon sports franchises.
Crazy Bill Watts and his special assistant and Ghostbuster-of-some-repute Harold Ramis were in their makeshift office backstage. The Red Rooster walked in and asked why Watts wanted to see him. Crazy Bill told Rooster that he likes him: “You remind me of the ranch I grew up on, boy. With your cockin’ and your doodlin’. Hehe.” Crazy Bill said that darned voodoo priest, Pappy Shango, had gone and drank some bad herbs or some such and injured himself, so he needed a replacement for the battle royal tonight. Rooster told Crazy Bill that he wouldn’t be sorry.
The British Bulldog was rolling his suitcase through the arena’s parking garage. The Bulldog said he’d be the first WOZW Champion because he’s KINDAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOOOOODDDD!
“OHHHHHH what a rush!” Iron Man exploded on the War Memorial Coliseum Palace speakers and the crowd responded in kind for the debut of The Legion of Doom! After a few tense and dramatic moments, Power Warrior, Darren “Puke” Drozdov and Sunny made their way down to the ring to face off against their opponents, the Bell Twins!
The Legion of Doom defeated The Ding Dongs when Puke pinned Ding after the Doomsday Device in 0:02:49.
Rating: -1/4*
The Legion of Doom mercilessly pummeled Ding and Dong and could have pinned them after the first lariat was struck. Instead, Sunny slammed her fists on the ring apron and ordered the two warriors to make an example of the Ding Dongs. The crowd truly saw why the Legion of Doom is the most feared tag team of all-time! Puke and Power Warrior played to the crowd after their victory but were interrupted when Irwin R. Schyster, CPA and Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS, better known as Tooth Fairy, Inc. and the self-declared top tag team in WOZW, stepped out in front of the Zanytron. The Legion of Doom yelled at them to bring it but security came out and ushered Tooth Fairy, Inc. backstage while WOZW TV cut to commercial.
WOZW TV came back from commercial to see Pirate Jean-Pierre Lafitte, Fatu, Oz and the Red Rooster already in the ring preparing for the WOZW World Championshipweight Title Battle Royal. The Repo Man carefully paced outside of the ring while stroking Diamond Studd’s diamond necklaces. PN News, a fat man hailing from Rapsylvania, came out to his horrible, god-awful entrance music while the cameras cut backstage.
Earthquake was with noted wrestling journalist Baboon Storm. Baboon Storm lost his wife and kids while documenting the mating habits of the African crocodile. Everyone felt pretty bad for him. Anyhow, Earthquake began to talk about his match with Typhoon and the history between them when he was suddenly attacked by Typhoon and his new partner, the Shark! Oh, what tales they will sing through the ages to describe such a brutal beating!
Back in the Coliseum Palace, Diamond Studd charged out without waiting for his music and chased the Repo Man! Repo slid into the ring and Diamond chased him only to be intercepted by a fired up Red Rooster! Referee Lemur Blizzard signaled for the bell and this match was on as Gorilla and The Chimp giddily declared that history was in the making as WOZW would soon have its first ever world champion-type!
No-Countout-No-DQ-8-Man Battle Royal for the vacant WOZW World Championshipweight Title:
Diamond Studd, Repo Man, Red Rooster, PN News, Black Scorpion I and Jean-Pierre Lafitte did not lose an 8-man Battle Royal:
x Studd threw out Oz after a clothesline in 0:02:08
x Rooster threw out Fatu after an elbowsmash in 0:04:13
Rating: * 1/4
Crazy Bill came out and called for the bell to be wrung after Fatu was eliminated. Gorilla and The Chimp were baffled. The Okie Cowboy congratulated everyone on advancing past the first stage of the tournament! Now, the remaining men would compete in a 6-man heptuple eliminaton tournament! The top four would advance to stage three, which, Crazy Bill promised, would be just as fun! Everyone in the arena, including both the ‘rasslers and commentators, were befuddled and perplexed.
As Diamond Studd contemplated this, Repo Man grabbed the diamond chains Studd had reacquired during the match and sprinted off through the crowd! Studd gave chase as Repo ran out the building, repossessing popcorn and sodas the entire way.
Monsoon and Maelstrom hyped the next promo as being a word from a powerful warrior soon making his way to Wacked Out Zany Wrestling: the ultimate competitor! A promo was shown of a muscle man standing behind a screen with just his silhouette visible. His silhouette shook with intensity to the sound of loud, pulsing music while streamers hung from his elbows and long, teased hair flowed past his shoulders. Gorilla and The Chimp speculated forcefully and objectively on how immovable and irresistible this warrior ultimately looked.
A sweaty Crazy Bill returned to his backstage office only to be met by an angry Earthquake. Earthquake demanded a tag match from Crazy Bill. The Cowboy said he liked the big fellas and not only could he have his rootin’-tootin’-tag match, but Watts would give the winner the Globalweight Tag Team Titles to boot! Yeehaw! Harold Ramis, who never crosses the streams because that would reverse the Earth’s polarity and be some messed up bologna, man, looked up from his paperback novel and asked who Earthquake would have as his tag partner. Earthquake promised a surprise for Typhoon and the Shark.
Earthquake departed and Crazy Bill told Harold that he had an idea. Since PN News and them prickly Scorpions el Negro were so intent on mixing it up, he wanted the first match of the heptuple elimination title tournament to take place tonight! PN News versus the Black Scorpion! Ramis replied, “Don’t we need paperwork for a match like that?” to which Crazy Bill slapped him with his ten-gallon hat.
WOZW TV came back from commercial to see Typhoon and the Shark entering the ring. Earthquake was introduced by himself. He stepped in the ring and took the mic from ring announcer Monkey Tornado. Earthquake said he had a big surprise for Typhoon and introduced his partner…the Shockmaster! A large, golden Stormtrooper-helmed man burst through the wall below the Zanytron but hilariously tripped and fell! Oh, the humanity! Earthquake stood there looking…um, shocked, but Typhoon seized the moment and clobbered his former partner from behind!
Match for the vacant WOZW Globalweight Tag Team Titles:
The Natural Sea Disasters defeated The Natural Earth Disasters when Shark pinned Earthquake with the Shark Splash in 0:00:13.
Rating: -** 1/2
(The Natural Sea Disasters won the WOZW Globalweight Tag Team Titles.)
The Shark quickly followed up with a mammoth sitdown splash and referee Howler Gale counted the academic three. Earthquake rolled out of the ring as the Natural Sea Disasters celebrated with the tag team titles.
The Black Scorpion was backstage with Baboon Storm. He wore a flowing silk robe and said he’d beat PN News tonight, but before he could continue another Black Scorpion asked if he could take the match instead. Robe-wearing Scorpion sighed and said yes. The Scorpion clapped his hands in excitement.
Monkey Tornado began introductions for the first match in the next stage of the WOZW World Championshipweight Championship Title Tournament. Gorilla and Chimp reviewed the upcoming Pacific Islands Tour thoughtfully dubbed: “WOZW: America Reinvades the Pacific! Oceanixplosion ’93!” The graphic went up:
1/20 @ Vanuatu – WOZW TV on the Internet!
1/27 @ Palau – WOZW TV on the Internet!
2/03 @ Midway – WOZW TV on the Internet!
2/10 @ Tuvalu – WOZW TV on the Internet!
2/14 @ Nauru – WrestleSlamBowl ‘93
“Thus Sprach Zarathustra” announced the arrival of The Black Scorpion who promptly took a seat at ringside. A second Black Scorpion made his way down to less sensational music and entered the ring to face PN News. PN News, who is goddamn ridiculous, was introduced.
[Heptuple Elimination Tournament]
PN News pinned Black Scorpion III with the Broken Record in 0:07:53.
Rating: 1/4*
The first match of the heptuple elimination title tournament went back and forth but in the end the Rapmaster proved too much for one of the three Black Scorpions. After the match the seated, much more stylish Black Scorpion dragged the felled Scorpion out of the ring and to the back. PN News serenaded them with his freestylin’ as Gorilla and The Chimp encouraged the good people of Vanuatu to buy their tickets for next week, now!
Next week: Superstars from the Far East, the debut of the ultimate competitor, the Pacific Islands tour kicks-off, more tournament action and a big robotic policeman returns! It’s WOZW TV…on the Internet!
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Oct 26, 2010 19:18:28 GMT -5
WOZW TV on the Internet!
January 20, 1993
Port Vila National Armory, Port Vila, Vanuatu
Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Chimp Maelstrom.WOZW TV opened to a beautiful panoramic shot of the Pacific Ocean. Gentle waves lapped at the base of a palm tree. Then, in the distance, the sounds of a machine gun, the whistle of approaching ordnance, and the visual of a nuclear explosion! Heavy, pulsing rock music blarred as the image of a slowly expanding mushroom cloud was covered by the words: Wacked Out Zany Wrestling presents…
AMERICA REINVADES THE PACIFIC!
OCEANIXPLOSION ’93!
THE TOUR Gorilla and The Chimp welcomed everyone to the Pacific island republic of Vanuatu and the first ever international broadcast of WOZW TV on the Internet! They said it would be an evening packed full of debuts including a very special ultimate debut. They also previewed the mega-main event six man tag match featuring the Black Scorpion and Tooth Fairy, Inc. taking on the combined forces of PN News, Makin’ a Difference Fatu and the one, the only, ROBOCOP! Chimp Maelstrom mentioned that the Republic of Vanuatu exports coffee and coconuts and is known in the native tongue as Ripablik blong Vanuatu. Also, that the results of the six man tag main event would count towards the WOZW World Championshipweight Heptuple Elimination Title Tournament standings! The Vanuatu crowd roared as cameras cut backstage to Makin’ a Difference Fatu, the streetwise Samoan who tries to help out endangered urban teens, standing with Baboon Storm. Fatu said he’s glad to be back in the same ocean as his home country and that he will make a difference for all the other islands in the Pacific…starting right there, in Port Vila, Vanuatu! Big pop for that. [Heptuple Elimination Tournament]:
Repo Man and Jean-Pierre Lafitte battled to a no contest in 0:07:48.
Rating: **
[Diamond Studd interfered against Repo Man.]
[Diamond Studd interfered against Jean-Pierre Lafitte.]A spirited bout between these two spiraled out of control when Repo Man, fearing he was at a disadvantage, brought Diamond Studd’s heavy diamond necklaces into the ring. Repo Man swung the dangerous chains at Lafitte but the Pirate caught them! A tug-of-war ensued as neither man desired to give up his plunder. Diamond Studd had different ideas though as he came charging into the ring and floored both men with a thunderous double clothesline. Studd left the ring with his chains as senior referee Pongo Squall called for the draw. Gorilla and The Chimp speculated as to the effect this would have on the title tournament. The Chimp said that a no contest counts as a draw and also that Vanuatu is 16 hours ahead of Washington, D.C. during Standard Time. A graphic displayed the updated standings: Heptuple Elimination Tournament Standings
1. PN News 1-0-0
2. Jean-Pierre Lafitte 0-0-1
3. Repo Man 0-0-1
4. Diamond Studd 0-0-0
5. Red Rooster 0-0-0
6. Black Scorpion 0-1-0The Chimp worried that his favorite competitor, the mysterious The Black Scorpion, was only six losses away from elimination. Gorilla reminded him that the main event tag match would pit PN News and Black Scorpion against each other again with the result counting towards the standings! The Black Scorpion was backstage with Ape Hurricane. He wore a flowing silk robe and said he’d beat PN News tonight and wouldn’t make the same mistake as last week—but before he could continue another Black Scorpion, this one with a thick Minnesotan accent, asked if he could take the match instead. Robe-wearing Scorpion sighed and said yes. The Midwestern Scorpion nodded his head in grim determination. “Crazy” Bill “Bang Bang” Watts, the chairman of WOZW by executive order of the President of the United States of America, and his special assistant and director of Groundhog Day Harold Ramis were backstage. Crazy Bill said hello to the good people of “Van-A-tutu” and also that he wants to see more of the little guys flip flop flyin’ around. Crazy Bill said he invited a barrel of ‘em here for a special match. “Actually,” Ramis interrupted, “You ordered them here. And they’re all very offended by the name of the match.” [Tiny Guy Ordervitational]:
Red Rooster, La Parka and Kwang defeated Cowboy Bret Harte, The Cannonball Kid and Lazertron when Parka pinned The Kid after using a steel chair in 0:09:56.
Rating: * 3/4These men only mildly disappointed Crazy Bill with steady if unspectacular action. Cowboy Bret Harte, who could not fly his horse to Vanuatu, grew increasingly annoyed by the hair-pulling, rope-for-leverage using shortcuts of the Red Rooster. Cannonball Kid, the spunky youth from the Great Lakes, went upstairs for the Cannonballsault to put away La Parka but Rooster diabolically shoved him off the top turnbuckle. Bret Harte had enough and chased Rooster out of the ring and to the back. Referee Howler Gale was distracted by this just long enough for La Parka to swat The Kid with a steel chair and score the pin. RoboCop was backstage was Ape Hurricane. RoboCop was holding the WOZW Championship belt over his shoulder, which is destined to go to the winner of the WrestleBowl at WrestleSlamBowl, and said his primary objective is “To protect and serve…the WOZW title.” The crowd went nuts. They love RoboCop in Vanuatu. He’s got his own cargo cult. The British Bulldog was rolling his suitcase through the arena’s parking garage. The Bulldog said he’d be the first WOZW Champion because he’s BIIIZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRREEEE! Backstage, the three Black Scorpions were mesmerizing the Natural Earth Disasters, Earthquake and Shockmaster (who was refreshingly upright for a change), with the ol’ got-your-nose gambit. PN News walked up in a huff and said he finally had all the Scorpions where he wanted them. The masked man performed a card trick and yelled “WOOOO!” distracting PN News long enough for a fourth Black Scorpion to sneak up behind him and attack! The four Black Scorpions put the boots to PN News and left him laying cold. Another video played hyping the debut of the ultimate competitor! The muscle-bound freak of nature with flowing hair and streamers on his elbows and wrists shook a pair of silhouetted ropes with amazing intensity! Gorilla speculated that if this man ever fought a wrestling Elvis impersonator he’d probably beat him in like no time flat. Then, the music hit, the Vanuatians exploded, and out charged… [The ULTIMATE Debut!]:
The Renegade pinned Bastion Booger with the Renegade Splash in 0:02:27.
Rating: -***** WTF? The crowd booed the poor Renegade mercilessly, obviously expecting something a little different. Nonetheless, the Renegade stormed the ring, shook the ropes and delivered three clotheslines to the Booger but the big man did not go down! The Renegade signaled for the gorilla press, was hit in the face with a soda cup, and went for the mighty slam—but he couldn’t get Bastion up! Duh. Renegade bounced right back off the ropes and delivered an explosive leaping shoulderblock that finally sent Booger to the mat. One big splash and the Renegade had his first win. He looked hurt and perplexed, however, as the crowd continued to boo and hurl trash at him. The Iron Sheik was wheeling a broken child’s wagon through the arena’s parking garage. The Sheik said he’d be the first WOZW Champion because he’s BAAAZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR! Noriyo Tateno and Itzuki Yamazaki, the famous Jumping Bomb Angels of Japan, were with Baboon Storm who was once thrown from a train. The Angels said they were overjoyed to be in WOZW against the very best competition the U.S. Government could afford. Their music, eerily reminiscent of the same music used by past wrestling organizations whenever a Japanese person wrestles, played and they departed. Crazy Bill walked onto the ring entrance before the match could begin, however. The Cowboy said that he thought the Angels were adorable and decided to give them a break with a title shot in their very first match! Watts ordered that this match was for the new WOZW Cute Widdle Wadies Titles! Match for the vacant WOZW Cute Widdle Wadies Titles:
The Jumping Bomb Angels defeated The Ding Dongs when Yamazaki pinned Dong after the Double Flying Dropkicks in 0:04:41.
Rating: 1/4*
(The Jumping Bomb Angels won the WOZW Cute Widdle Wadies Titles.)Tateno and Yamazaki weigh in at a combined 305 pounds but that did not stop them from dominating the idiots in jumpsuits. Goddamn. Maybe Ding and Dong can team up with PN News and hold an Idiot Pride Parade. Anyhow, the Angels did not look happy when they were handed their new tag team titles. Back from commercial, The Iron Sheik was introduced for his match against the waiting (and also debuting!) “Portuguese Man O’ War” Aldo Montoya. The Sheik marched down to the ring with an exotic belt in hand and was followed by a dozen servants carrying various market stalls laden with goods of the Orient. The Sheik demanded the mic from ring announcer Monkey Tornado. Sheik said that he was the champion of the toughest bazaars, the most hardcore bazaars, the Bazaarcore champion, and that he would be defending the title against Montoya in a Middle Eastern Market Match! Before anyone knew what to make of it the bell rang and it was on! Middle Eastern Market Match:
The Iron Sheik defeated Aldo Montoya by putting him through a market stall in 0:05:53.
Rating: *
(The Iron Sheik retained the WOZW Bazaarcore Title.)Gorilla confirmed that apparently Crazy Bill Watts had okayed this title defense! The Sheik was caught off guard, however, as Aldo Montoya is of course Portuguese and thus knew his way around a bazaar somewhat. The Chimp explained that the point of a Middle Eastern Market Match was to put your opponent through a market stall. Montoya fought valiantly, making use of a sack of oranges and a Persian rug, but in the end the Sheik stunned Montoya with the Camel Clutch and then drove the young competitor through one of the stalls with an elbowdrop off the apron. Monsoon and Maelstrom took a moment to explain the WrestleBowl rules for the upcoming pay-per-view, WrestleSlamBowl. Gorilla explained that the WrestleBowl was a royal rumble battle royal where the competitor who scored the most eliminations would be the winner. Chimp noted that this meant early entrants had the advantage of an entire field of victims but later entrants would face much more tired opponents. Regardless, the victor will take home the WOZW Championship! The Legion of Doom, Puke and Power Warrior, and their manager Sunny were backstage with Ape Hurricane. Sunny said that LOD was the greatest tag team in WOZW and if Tooth Fairy, Inc. wanted a piece of them then they’d be happy to oblige. Two Black Scorpions and Tooth Fairy, Inc. were introduced. The much more stylin’ and profilin’ masked Scorpion took a seat at ringside while the hulking example of masked Middle American heartiness entered the ring. Their opponents were brought out with a dramatic, fog-machined entrance for RoboCop…who once again took…a…long…time…to…reach…the…ring…and when he did his feet still couldn’t fit on the ringsteps. What a costly oversight! Referee Gibbon Cyclone declared that the match must now be a handicap match! [Heptuple Elimination Tournament]: Handicap-Match:
Tooth Fairy, Inc. and Black Scorpion II defeated PN News and Makin' a Difference Fatu when II pinned Fatu after an inside cradle in 0:09:05.
Rating: -1/2*
[Black Scorpion I interfered against PN News.]As could be expected the main event degenerated into a wild brawl. Even though RoboCop was stuck on the outside he still made sure to get his big robotic blows in whenever Black Scorpion(s), Isaac Yankem or Irwin R. Schyster looked to cause problems. The Black Scorpion leader looked frustrated as the other Scorpion struggled, so the robed-Scorpion distracted Fatu long enough for the Minnesotan Scorpion to get the roll-up and pin. Both Black Scorpions then attacked PN News while RoboCop stood helpless outside the ring. Suddenly, The Legion of Doom charged from the back to even the odds! Puke and Power Warrior slid in and fought Tooth Fairy, Inc. and the Scorpions as Gorilla thanked everyone and said good night! Next week: Things get bizarre, a new championship is unveiled, the Natural Sea Disasters overcome their totally inappropriate fear of traveling by boat to finally arrive for the tour and more tiki torched action! Pen me in Palau! It’s WOZW TV…on the Internet! Circuit Notes: The Renegade has quit effective immediately. On foreign soil?! DEFECTOR! WrestleSlamBowl ’93 Preview:30-Man WrestleBowl match for the WOZW Title!
…and probably more! Maybe.
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Oct 27, 2010 16:40:45 GMT -5
WOZW TV on the Internet!
January 27, 1993
Koror Independence Hall & Banquet Room, Koror, Palau
WOZW: America Reinvades the Pacific: Oceanixplosion ’93! Tour
Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Chimp Maelstrom.
Gorilla and The Chimp welcomed everyone to the beautiful Pacific trusteeship of Palau, the jewel of the Caroline Islands! They reminded viewers that WrestleSlamBowl is only three weeks away! Gorilla previewed tonight's featured bouts: a heptuple elimination title tournament bout between Diamond Studd and the Red Rooster and the main event between the hugely popular (in the Pacific, at least) Makin’ a Difference Fatu and the mysterious mystery man, The Black Scorpion. Gorilla further informed viewers that Crazy Bill Watts had ordered the creation of a very special title, the WOZW Oceanic Championship, in honor of the Oceanixplosion ’93 Tour. Also, that it would be awarded to the winner of tonight’s Fatu-Scorpion contest!
Baboon Storm was backstage with Tom Zenk, Tito Santana and Blind Rick Martel. Martel said ever since he had accidentally blinded himself with an errant spray of his cologne to the face he had, ironically, seen the light. He was wrong and egotistical to become The Model. Now, he was dedicated to helping his two best friends—Zenk and Santana—become the best tag team in the best wrestling promotion this side of the International Date Line. Tito and Zenk agreed and declared that with the help of their manager, Blind Rick Martel, The Am-Mex Connection would soon be tag team champions.
Monsoon informed viewers that The Renegade, who made his explosive debut last week on WOZW TV, had shockingly gone renegade and was now missing. Chimp noted that they should have expected that.
Disco Inferno pinned The Kamikaze Kid with the Last Dance in 0:05:20.
Rating: *
Disco Inferno cut an inset promo during his debut match and said that he was going to “stay alive” in WOZW. First he had to get by the energetic youngster from the former Northwest Territory, though. The Kamikaze Kid went upstairs for the Kamikazesault but Disco shoved the referee into the ropes, knocking the Kid off balance and crotching him. Disco grabbed the Kid and delivered his stunner for the win.
Typhoon and The Shark were backstage with Ape Hurricane. Hurricane announced that Crazy Bill Watts had just signed a rematch for the WOZW Globalweight Tag Team Titles between The Natural Sea Disasters and The Natural Earth Disasters to take place next week. The Sea Disasters swore they would defeat the clumsy Shockmaster and his partner Earthquake. They also said they can’t wait for the ocean to swallow up each and every one of these puny little Pacific islands. Oh, the crowd didn’t like that at all.
The British Bulldog was rolling his suitcase through the arena’s parking garage. The Bulldog said he’d be the first WOZW Champion because he’s SOMEWHAT OUT OF THE OOOOOOORRRDIIINNNAAAAAAAAARRRRYYYYY!
Diamond Studd was backstage with Baboon Storm who once adopted a Scottish baby. Studd had recovered his beloved and expensive diamond chains from Repo Man last week. Studd said now that he had his chains, mang, ain’t nothin’ gonna’ stop da' Bort Guy. He said he gonna’ win da’ WOZW World Championshipweight Title. And da’ WOZW Title. And anything else dat’ come up in da’ meanwhile, chico.
The Am-Mex Connection defeated The Ding Dongs when Santana pinned Ding with the Flying Forearm in 0:03:10.
Rating: DUD
Irwin R. Schyster, CPA and Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS, collectively known as Tooth Fairy, Inc. appeared in an inset promo and expressed how angry they were with Puke, Power Warrior and their manager Sunny for sticking their noses where they didn’t belong last week. They had advice for The Legion of Doom in regards to Tooth Fairy, Inc.’s business: Stay out of it and and always floss. Also, never lie about your number of dependants. That’s just straight up unethical. The Am-Mex Connection put away the Ding Dongs without much trouble except for when Tom Zenk stumbled outside the ring and Blind Rick Martel punched him because he thought he was being attacked by one of the Bell Boys.
The Chimp noted that the tag division in WOZW was heating up and that Palau is currently a Trust Territory of the Pacific under U.S. administration and though they had approved a Compact of Free Association with the United States in 1986 it had not yet been ratified. Also that Puke’s breath probably smells pretty bad and Tooth Fairy, Inc. will hate that.
WOZW TV cut backstage to “Crazy” Bill “Bang Bang” Watts, chairman and czar of WOZW by order of the President of the United States (who, in his wisdom, eliminated the national deficit by using a clever accounting loophole to show costs related to the U.S. State Department’s financing of Wacked Out Zany Wrestling as increased goodwill), and his assistant with the glasses and tall hair, Harold Ramis, sitting in their makeshift office complete with saloon doors.
The British Bulldog burst through the swinging doors. Crazy Bill asked him what in tarnations Bulldog is doing hanging out in the parking lot before every show. Bulldog said he’s the most bizarre man in WOZW, that he’s the Bizarrecore champion, and that he wanted to defend his prize. Bulldog unzipped his suitcase and pulled out a golden “WOZW Bizarrecore Championship” title belt. “You mean like hardcore?” asked Harold Ramis. “No, I’m not hard,” replied Davey Boy, “I’m BIIIZZAAAAAAARREEEE!”
The Jumping Bomb Angels, who defeated The Ding Dongs to become the first WOZW Cute Widdle Wadies champions last week, were backstage with Ape Hurricane. They did not have their belts with them. The Angels demanded a shot against real competition, men this time. Yamazaki and Tateno said it was a great dishonor to fight walking alarm clocks.
The Booty Man and his lovely consort, The Booty Babe, were announced for the next match. They danced their way down to the ring to lukewarm support.
Bizarrecore Match:
The British Bulldog pinned Booty Man with the Running Powerslam in 0:08:01.
Rating: -* 1/2
(The British Bulldog retained the WOZW Bizarrecore Title.)
Gorilla and Chimp were informed that a bizarrecore match is a no-countout, no-dq, falls count anywhere match. Well, that clears that up. Bulldog and Booty, which would be a great law firm name, went outside early and made use of cookie sheets, a stop sign, a canoe, an oar from said canoe and a coconut before the Bulldog finished off his debuting challenger with a running powerslam onto a plastic garbage can.
The cameras cut backstage again to Crazy Bill and Mr. Ramis who had been watching the match on closed circuit television. Crazy Bill said he liked this Bulldog fella’ and especially this Bootin’ Baby. He told Ramis that WOZW needed a tougher sounding title for its no-holds-barred champion, however. Something like "Brass Knuckles Championship." He told Ramis to get right on it.
Backstage, The Black Scorpion was stupefying Bastion Booger and La Parka with a mirror. Did they really look like that to everyone else?, they wondered. PN News walked up in a huff and said that four Black Scorpions weren’t enough because he would single-handedly fight them all. The masked man performed a card trick and yelled “WOOOO!” distracting PN News long enough for a fifth Black Scorpion to sneak up behind him and attack! The five Black Scorpions put the boots to PN News and left him laying cold.
The Red Rooster was with Baboon Storm. He said the rooster had a wake-up call for Diamond Studd. Also that Cowboy Bret Harte should saddle up and ride his ugly horse back to his ranch in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
[Heptuple Elimination Tournament]:
Diamond Studd pinned Red Rooster with the Diamond Death Drop in 0:07:56.
Rating: * ¼
[Repo Man interfered against Diamond Studd.]
[Cowboy Bret Harte interfered against Red Rooster.]
Cowboy Bret Harte cut an inset promo because those are all the rage. Harte said he had had enough of the Red Rooster and his fowl play. Studd seemed to have Rooster well in hand and set up for the Diamond Death Drop, but he may have counted his chickens before they hatched because the Repo Man appeared out of the crowd and stole the Studd’s priceless diamond chains! Studd threw down the Rooster but he accidentally struck referee Gibbon Cyclone! Cyclone went down and Rooster quickly took advantage of his distracted opponent by walloping him with a chair. Rooster covered for the pin but Cowboy Bret Harte emerged from the back and planted Rooster with an Arabian Legsweep. Studd recovered and delivered his crucifix powerbomb just as Cyclone awoke to make the groggy count.
Gorilla and The Chimp reviewed the up-to-date Heptuple Elimination Tournament standings. Remember, seven losses mean elimination:
Heptuple Elimination Tournament Standings
1. Diamond Studd 1-0-0
2. Jean-Pierre Lafitte 0-0-1
3. Repo Man 0-0-1
4. PN News 1-1-0
5. Black Scorpion 1-1-0
6. Red Rooster 0-1-0
The Black Scorpion was backstage with Ape Hurricane. He wore a flowing silk robe and said he’d beat Fatu tonight and wouldn’t make the same mistake as the last two weeks—but before he could continue another Black Scorpion, this one with a Latin accent, asked if he could take the match instead. Robe-wearing Scorpion sighed, lowered his head and begrudgingly said yes. The Latino Scorpion bounced up and down in excitement.
Gorilla announced that Tooth Fairy, Inc. versus The Legion of Doom had been made official for WrestleSlamBowl ’93 and also that—because Crazy Bill, quote, “Thinks a cowboy oughta’ get a handle on his little chickadees and cock-a-doodles,” end-quote—Bret Harte would face the Red Rooster at the pay-per-view. Further, in two weeks Diamond Studd will take on the Repo Man in a West 47th Street Street Fight! Maelstrom noted that West 47th St. is the Diamond District in New York City and also that Palau exports cassava and sweet potatoes among other agricultural products.
Makin’ a Difference Fatu came out to a huge reaction! He gave his colorful leather jacket to a local at-risk youth and slid into the ring.
Match for the vacant WOZW Oceanic Title:
Makin' a Difference Fatu pinned Black Scorpion IV after a powerslam in 0:06:40.
Rating: 1/2*
(Makin' a Difference Fatu won the WOZW Oceanic Title.)
Fatu had the Latin Black Scorpion under control until the robe-wearing, Space Mountain-boasting Black Scorpion came to ringside. That masked man looked to get involved but suddenly PN News came tearing down the aisle! The two enemies brawled at ringside while Fatu scooped up his Scorpion and delivered a thunderous slam for the win. Gorilla thanked everyone and said goodnight as WOZW TV cut to black!
Next week: The Natural Disasters continue to explode, lumberjacks are no laughing matter, the tag scene is placed between a hammer and an anvil and more wet and wild action! Meet me in Midway! It’s WOZW TV…on the Internet!
Circuit notes:
Someone has stolen all the kiwi birds in New Zealand!
The Renegade was last seen in Auckland, New Zealand and may have gone to Sydney, Australia, Tokyo, Japan or Manila, the Philippines.
WrestleSlamBowl ’93 Preview:
30-man WrestleBowl match for the WOZW Title!
The Legion of Doom vs. Tooth Fairy, Inc.
Red Rooster vs. Cowboy Bret Harte
…and probably more! Maybe.
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Dec 14, 2010 14:00:04 GMT -5
WOZW TV on the Internet!
February 3, 1993
Henderson Field Airport Hanger & Expo Center #3, Sand Island, Midway Atoll
WOZW: America Reinvades the Pacific: Oceanixplosion ’93! Tour
Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Chimp Maelstrom.
Gorilla and The Chimp welcomed everyone to the midway point of the explosive WOZW: America Reinvades the Pacific: Oceanixplosion ’93 Tour, coming from the Midway Islands, an unincorporated U.S. territory noted for being home to one-third of the world’s black-footed albatross population. Cameras showed scores of United States Navy and Fish and Wildlife Service personnel in the audience.
Gorilla hyped WrestleSlamBowl, which is just two weeks away and where the winner of the WrestleBowl rumble match will be crowned the first ever Wacked Out Zany Wrestling Champion. Gorilla also previewed tonight’s card, featuring a rematch for the WOZW Globalweight Tag Team Titles between champions the Natural Sea Disasters, the Shark and Typhoon, and fan-favorites the Natural Earth Disasters, Earthquake and the Shockmaster. Also, “Pirate” Jean-Pierre Lafitte will take on the Black Scorpion in another round of the WOZW World Championshipweight Title Heptuple Elimination Tournament!
Cowboy Bret Harte made La Parka submit to the Double Leg Lasso Lockup in 0:07:11.
Rating: *** 1/4
The announcers discussed Cowboy Bret Harte’s interference in the Red Rooster/Diamond Studd match last week where the Excellence of Lassocution, who has had enough of the Rooster’s cocky ways, kept him from stealing another victory. The two will meet at WrestleSlamBowl by order of Crazy Bill Watts, chairman of WOZW. Meanwhile, Harte finished the Chairman of the Board with his patented leg grapevine submission hold.
Backstage, all five known Black Scorpions were captivating the Am-Mex Connection (Tom Zenk and Tito Santana with their manager, Blind Rick Martel) with the cup-and-ball. PN News walked up in a huff and said that he didn’t care how many Black Scorpions there were because he would fight them all. The Black Scorpions looked at one another and seemingly evaluated their odds. The lead Scorpion yelled “WOOOO!” before attacking News and winning because, hey, it’s five on one. The Black Scorpions put the boots to PN News and left him laying cold.
Gorilla mentioned that the Oceanixplosion ’93 Tour will hold its finale, WrestleSlamBowl, on Nauru and that the famed and historic Nauru Pro Phosphate Wrestling organization will be co-promoting the event. Ruben “The Sandwich” Solomon and ”Dangerous” Kinza Doweiya, better known as NPPW Universal Tag Team Champions the Phosphate Foundation, were shown sitting ringside with their manager Jimmanuel “The Ballistic of the Pacific” Hart.
Baboon Storm, whose childhood crush never returned his phone calls, was backstage with the Natural Earth Disasters. The Shockmaster said the only trip he’d be taking tonight was to Disneyland after winning the tag team titles.
Tooth Fairy, Inc. defeated Big Josh and Doink The Clown when DDS pinned Clown with the DDS in 0:04:43.
Rating: 1/2*
Big Josh and Doink The Clown were making their debut here tonight against the challenging team of Irwin R. Schyster, CPA and Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS. While they may have come out on the losing end to the vicious and dental-health conscious Tooth Fairy, Inc., Doink made quite the impression with his various hijinks—including incorrectly using floss to distract and upset Yankem and asking IRS for help interpreting his WOZW W-2 to allow Big Josh a quick roll-up and close two count. Yankem caught Doink with his DDT in the end, however.
“Crazy” Bill “Bang Bang” Watts was alone in his makeshift office backstage. Watts was laughing and slapping his hat on his antique oak desk that’s shipped at extravagant cost to U.S. taxpayers from venue to venue. Watts said that Clown fella’ cracked him up and was “all right.” Harold Ramis, scourge of non-corporeal post-deceased beings and assistant to Mr. Watts, entered carrying a brand new title belt. He told Watts that the hardcore Brass Knuckles title he wanted was misprinted—saying “Crass Chuckles” instead—and that it should just go in the trash. Watts said to “wait one darn secon’” ‘cause he had an idea.
Greg “The Hammer” Valentine and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart were backstage with Ape Hurricane. Neidhart said the Blacksmiths were going to forge a new path in WOZW and be the mold for all future tag teams. Valentine said the Jumping Bomb Angels were going to be put between the proverbial metal rock and steely hard place.
Non-Title-Match:
The Jumping Bomb Angels defeated The Blacksmiths when Yamazaki pinned Valentine after the Double Flying Dropkicks in 0:04:00.
Rating: -1/4*
The WOZW Cute Widdle Wadies titles, which the Angels are begrudgingly saddled with, were not on the line tonight. Noriyo Tateno and Itzuki Yamazaki made quick work of the Blacksmiths, proving that their victory over the Ding Dongs was no fluke. As if a win over them could ever be.
Repo Man was backstage with Baboon Storm. Repo laughed maniacally and showed off the diamond chains he stole back from “The Bort Guy” Diamond Studd last week. Repo said he’d repossess a victory in their West 47th Street Street Fight next week.
“Pirate” Jean-Pierre Lafitte was backstage with ace correspondent Ape Hurricane. He said Midway Island was the pirate capital of the Hawaiian archipelago! Lafitte said he knows he’ll need backup to take on so many landlubbin’ Black Scorpions, so he had recruited “The Portuguese Man O’ War” Aldo Montoya and the Booty Man to form the HMS Bounty Hunters, the newest and greatest force in professional-grade wrestling. Montoya and Booty Man, along with the Booty Babe, walked in and shook hands with Lafitte.
WOZW Oceanic Title Number-One-Contenders-Match:
Kwang pinned The 1-2-3 Kid after a throw-off in 0:04:48.
Rating: 1/4*
Kwang, the martial arts expert from the Far East, came to the ring carrying a Japanese flag. Gorilla was stunned that he would show such disrespect in a year that would mark the fifty-first anniversary of the Battle of Midway! The high-flying youth from Big Ten country kept Kwang off-balance, however. The 1-2-3 Kid went to the top rope for the Onetwothreeasault but Kwang karate kicked the ropes and crotched The Kid on top. Kwang threw the youngster to the mat and made the pinfall.
Gorilla said Kwang and “Makin’ a Difference” Fatu, the streetwise Samoan who is very popular in these Pacific islands, would meet for the Oceanic title next week on WOZW TV! Gorilla also noted that those Midway residents who couldn’t make the trip to Sand Island could see WOZW action live when its Zanystars pay a visit to the 334-acre Eastern Island later this week.
The Iron Sheik came down to the ring carrying the WOZW Bazaarcore Championship belt. The Sheik challenged the British Bulldog to defend his claim, saying that only the Sheik could be the most bazaar man in WOZW. The British Bulldog emerged to the fans’ delight, wearing his WOZW Bizarrecore title belt, and said “I’m bizaaaaaaaare!” to which the Sheik replied, “No, I’m bazaaaar!” This went on until the commercial break.
Promotional consideration paid for by the Nauru Phosphate Corporation, the U.S. Department of State, Rising Sun Tuvalu Airlines and Tonka Trucks.
WOZW TV returned from break to see the Bulldog and Iron Sheik still going back and forth until the producer cut off their house mics. The two were removed from the ring area by road agents as The Chimp noted how this feud was truly…not normal.
The Natural Sea Disasters defeated The Natural Earth Disasters when Typhoon pinned Shockmaster with the Typhoon Splash in 0:03:10.
Rating: -* 1/2
(The Natural Sea Disasters retained the WOZW Globalweight Tag Team Titles.)
The Natural Disasters, one of the more storied tag teams of the ages, continued to explode! The aquatic-based Disasters took control early and pounded on Earthquake. The Shark went for the Shark Splash but Earthquake rolled out of the way and made the hot tag to the Shockmaster! The crowd roared as the golden-helmed Shockmaster entered the ring to beat on Typhoon and the Shark but, oh no!, he tripped on the bottom rope and fell prone in the ring. Typhoon smashed him with a quick Typhoon Splash and the count was academic.
Ape Hurricane was backstage with Harold Ramis for the WrestleSlamBowl “Tale of the Ape” segment. Next to them stood the metallic man, the alloy legend, RoboCop! RoboCop was carrying the WOZW Championship belt on a velvet purple pillow. Ramis told Hurricane that the card was shaping up: The Jumping Bomb Angels would meet the Natural Sea Disasters for the Globalweight Tag Team Titles and that Crazy Bill, in his infinite and presidentially-sanctioned wisdom, has decided that the Cowboy Bret Harte versus Red Rooster match would be for “a tiny person title” that he’s named the WOZW Junior Lightweight Cruisership Championship. Finally, the British Bulldog and Iron Sheik would face each other at WrestleSlamBowl in a two-fall match with both the Bazaarcore and Bizarrecore titles on the line!
The Black Scorpion was in a different part of backstage with Baboon Storm. He wore a flowing silk robe and said he’d beat Jean-Pierre Lafitte tonight, but before he could continue the other four Black Scorpions interrupted and asked, in a variety of accents and dialects, if they could all take the match instead. The robe-wearing Scorpion shook his head and said, “You know what? I’m sick of this. Let’s all just go out there and make ‘em try and stop us! WOOO!”
The Black Scorpions were introduced to the ring first. Then, the HMS Bounty Hunters (Lafitte, Montoya & Booty Man) came onto the ring entrance. Jean-Pierre said he was proud to take on the scorpions in front of all these military men on a mission. Tonight, he even has his own men on a mission—the Men on a Mission! Mabel, Moe and their diminutive manager Oscar all came out wearing adorable little sailor uniforms. Suddenly, a ten man tag match was on!
[Heptuple Elimination Tournament]:
The HMS Bounty Hunters (Aldo Montoya, Booty Man and Jean-Pierre Lafitte) and Men on a Mission defeated The Black Scorpions (Black Scorpion I, Black Scorpion II, Black Scorpion III, Black Scorpion IV and Black Scorpion V) when Lafitte pinned III with the Cannonball in 0:07:35.
Rating: -1/2*
The match quickly lost all semblance of order, giving Lafitte the opportunity to hit his devastating flying senton bomb on the least notable of the Black Scorpions. The HMS Bounty Hunters and Men on a Mission then cleared the ring of the Scorpions to the crowd’s delight. The masked mystery men regrouped on the ramp in disgust as the good guys danced the show off the air and Gorilla hyped next week’s broadcast.
Next week: Diamonds are forever but bruises hurt more, iron men versus iron butts, a WrestleBowl preview and the Oceanic title on the line! Talk to me in Tuvalu! It’s WOZW TV…on the Internet!
Circuit notes:
Someone has stolen the famous Sydney Opera House!
The Renegade was last seen in Sydney, Australia and may have gone to Moscow, Russia, Lagos, Nigeria or Tijuana, Mexico.
WrestleSlamBowl ’93 Preview:
30-man WrestleBowl match for the WOZW Championship!
WOZW Globalweight Tag Team Championship
The Natural Sea Disasters(c) vs. The Jumping Bomb Angels
The Legion of Doom vs. Tooth Fairy, Inc.
Two Falls for the WOZW Bizarrecore and WOZW Bazaarcore Championships
The British Bulldog(c) vs. The Iron Sheik(c)
WOZW Junior Lightweight Cruisership Championship
Red Rooster vs. Cowboy Bret Harte
…and probably more! Maybe.
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Dec 15, 2010 14:13:38 GMT -5
WOZW TV on the Internet!
February 10, 1993
Vaiaku Mechanics Hall & Sportatorium, Funafuti, Tuvalu
WOZW: America Reinvades the Pacific: Oceanixplosion ’93! Tour
Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Chimp Maelstrom.
Boom boom boom! High class pyrotechnics on display! Monsoon and Maelstrom welcomed everyone to the Pacific gem of Tuvalu, where Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is head of state and Governor-General Tomu Malaefon Sione is her representative! Gorilla reminded everyone that WOZW is just four days away from WrestleSlamBowl where the winner of the WrestleBowl rumble will be crowned the first WOZW champion. The Chimp said that tonight’s show was packed in its own right with Red Rooster taking on PN News, the WOZW Oceanic title on the line and “The Bort Guy” Diamond Studd meeting Repo Man in a West 47th Street Street Fight!
“Rule Britannia” cued up and the British Bulldog made his way down to the ring. The Bulldog was carrying his WOZW Bizarrecore title. He said he was glad to be in Tuvalu, which became a fully independent member of the Commonwealth of Nations in 1978. The crowd positively roared! The Bulldog asked everyone to join him in a stirring rendition of God Save the Queen, but before he could continue the Iron Sheik slid into the ring and leveled the Bulldog with the WOZW Bazaarcore belt! The crowd negatively roared! The Iron Sheik grabbed the microphone and said “God save the Ayatollah!”
The Booty Men defeated The Blacksmiths when Booty pinned Neidhart after the Double Booty Bash in 0:06:57.
Rating: -1/4*
Gorilla and The Chimp recapped the Sheik’s dastardly attack when WOZW TV came back from commercial. “Pirate” Jean-Pierre Lafitte and the Booty Man, two-thirds of the HMS Bounty Hunters, were taking on the Blacksmiths, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. Gorilla reminded viewers of the exciting ten man tag main event from last week’s show, where Lafitte and his crew defeated the masked Black Scorpions. Anvil and Hammer looked slow in the ring and were finished off by the bouncing booty smash of Lafitte and Booty Man, who afterwards danced in the ring with the Booty Babe.
A video package played wherein popular idiot “The Rap Master” PN News, wrestler/urban social worker Makin’ a Difference Fatu, evil dentist Isaac Yankem, deranged tax man Irwin R. Schyster, the Legion of Doom (Puke, Power Warrior and their manager Sunny), Bastion Booger and La Parka each said that they would win the WrestleBowl and become the first Wacked Out Zany Wrestling Champion. Well, La Parka didn’t speak, but you could gather from the way he motioned his hands.
Another pair of popular Nauru Pro Phosphate Wrestling wrestlers, Larry “The Lion” Keke and Ludwig “The Lion” Mickey, collectively known as the tag team Phosphate Power & Glory To Our Benevolent Mining Overlords, were shown sitting at ringside. Gorilla announced that Larry and Ludwig will be challenging the NPPW Universal tag champs, the Phosphate Foundation, for the belts at WrestleSlamBowl!
The Nation of Doomination defeated The Syxx-Pack Kid and Lazertron when Faarooq pinned Kid with the Dominator in 0:03:45.
Rating: 1/4*
The team of the armor-clad Faarooq Asad and the hooded Doom #2, who are of a very similar height and build, took on Lazertron and the Syxx-Pack Kid, who was scruffier and more gaunt looking than he had been in the past few weeks. The urchin from the Midwest went to the top rope for the Syxxpacasault but Doom #2 sprinted down the ring apron and shoved him to the mat. Faarooq finished the Kid off in a successful debut for the imposing new team.
Baboon Storm, who was shot and died in Reno but successfully brought back to life at Reno General later that evening, was backstage. He went over the rules for the WrestleBowl match at WrestleSlamBowl: 30 men will participate. Two men will start in the ring with an additional competitor entering every two minutes. A wrestler must be thrown over the top rope to be eliminated. Whoever scores the most eliminations will be declared the victor and first WOZW champion. Eliminations between two competitors in the WOZW World Championshipweight Title Heptuple Elimination Tournament will count towards that tournament. Also, as a wrinkle, because it will be impossible to tell the Black Scorpions apart, all of their eliminations will be counted together.
Wow. Lot to take in. Gorilla said the rules give the Black Scorpion(s) a huge advantage in winning the WOZW Championship but might cost them the WOZW World Championshipweight Championship! The Chimp was confident the Black Scorpion could outsmart everyone and win both.
Pulitzer-prize winning journalist, Ape Hurricane, was ringside with another member of NPPW, The Man from the Cosmos, Blitzkrieg. Blitzkrieg had an antique title belt draped over his shoulder. Blitzkrieg said he was the German Empire Junior Heavyweight Champion, the omega of a championship lineage traced back to the famed ringer Eagle Mask I in 1871, brought to be defended in the Empire’s Pacific Island possessions with its annexation of Nauru in 1888, and left there accidentally after the island’s capture by Australian troops in 1914. Since then, the belt has been THE prize junior heavyweight title in Nauru. Blitzkrieg warned both Cowboy Bret Harte and the Red Rooster that there can only be one true lighter-than-heavyweight champion in Nauru and that he would be there come WrestleSlamBowl.
Aldo Montoya defeated Oz by disqualification in 0:00:15.
Rating: -1/2*
“The Incredible” Oz and his manager, the Wizard, were on the warpath tonight. Montoya attacked Oz immediately but was met by the devastating Yellow Boot Road, a big kick to the face. Referee Lemur Blizzard went to check on Montoya to see if he was still conscious but Oz was having none of it and threw Blizzard across the ring! Lemur signaled for the bell and disqualified the giant Oz but he didn’t care! Oz picked up Montoya and delivered a thunderous Emerald City Slam. Jean-Pierre Lafitte and the Booty Man charged the ring and pulled their comrade Montoya out of harm’s way while Oz took the mic and declared that for too long he had been overlooked in WOZW, and that from now on Big Daddy Magic was gonna’ run things his way.
Coming back from commercial, Crazy Bill Watts, chairman of WOZW by order of the president, was standing on the rampway carrying the title belt that Harold Ramis, his assistant, had made to represent the new Brass Knuckles Championship. Crazy Bill said some whippersnapper had done gone and misprinted the belt the “Crass Chuckles Championship” but waste not want not like his mammy used to say. So Crazy Bill decided to embrace it and would award the title to the funniest darn ‘rassler in WOZW. “Bang Bang” Watts said Doink had earned it and invited him out. Doink emerged, clapping his hands and hopping for joy, but before he could grab the title Disco Inferno stepped out. He said not so fast, he was the funniest man in WOZW. Crazy Bill said the two should settle it in a First Laugh match at WrestleSlamBowl. Then Doink sprayed Disco with his lapel flower.
Gorilla and The Chimp reviewed the heptuple tournament standings. Gorilla reminded viewers that seven losses equals elimination and only the top four would advance to the next round.
Heptuple Elimination Tournament Standings
1. Jean-Pierre Lafitte 1-0-1
2. Diamond Studd 1-0-0
3. Repo Man 0-0-1
4. PN News 1-1-0
5. Red Rooster 0-1-0
6. Black Scorpion 1-2-0
The Chimp said he was sure the Black Scorpion would make a comeback.
[Heptuple Elimination Tournament]:
Red Rooster pinned PN News with the Cock Block in 0:05:38.
Rating: * 3/4
[Black Scorpion I interfered against PN News.]
PN News looked to have Red Rooster set up for the Broken Record but as the big man climbed to the top turnbuckle the Black Scorpion, WHOEVER HE MAY BE, appeared at ringside. PN News climbed down and taunted the masked man, inviting him to get in the ring. That distraction was all Red Rooster needed to recover and deliver his sneaky chop block. News collapsed to the ground and Rooster scored the upset.
Black Scorpion entered the ring and signaled for the Figure-Four Leglock to further injure News’ knee, but down came Cowboy Bret Harte! Harte slid into the ring and clocked both Rooster and the Scorpion but was suddenly tackled from behind by Blitzkrieg, the German Empire Junior Heavyweight Champion! The two traded blows until security arrived.
Ape Hurricane was backstage with Sunny and the Legion of Doom, Puke and Power Warrior. Sunny told Tooth Fairy, Inc., who her men will meet at WrestleSlamBowl, that the one thing worse for your teeth than not brushing…is DOOM!
Makin' a Difference Fatu pinned Kwang with the Flying Bodypress in 0:06:40.
Rating: 3/4*
(Makin' a Difference Fatu retained the WOZW Oceanic Title.)
The very popular Pacific Islander with a heart of gold, Fatu, gave his leather jacket to some lucky Tuvaluan youngster—who surely enjoys the Tuvalu national sport of soccer or “football”—and did battle with the mystery martial artist man from Japan, Kwang. The two went back and forth but in the end Fatu retained the Oceanic title thanks to his Flying Bodypress maneuver.
Ring announcer Monkey Tornado made a very special announcement to the audience: He had just received word from Chairman Watts himself that the President of the United States of America will be flying out to Nauru on a state visit and appearing at WrestleSlamBowl! The Chimp couldn’t believe it! Gorilla mentioned that the president, of course, created WOZW shortly after winning the 1992 presidential election as a surprise dark horse candidate.
[Heptuple Elimination Tournament]: West 47th Street Street Fight:
Diamond Studd pinned Repo Man after a belly-to-back superplex in 0:10:57.
Rating: 1/2*
A brutal, brutal affair! Repo Man whipped the Bort Guy repeatedly at the start with his own diamond chains, but Studd gained the upper hand and began choking Repo with the same! Studd then whipped Repo into the ropes and, with the diamond chains wrapped around his fist, delivered a huge right hand that knocked the Repo Man out of the ring. Studd followed up by attempting to slam Repo Man’s head into the diamond display cases set up around the ring, but Repo blocked it and bashed Studd’s face through the glass. Blood was everywhere! Repo walloped Diamond with a sandwich board advertising the best prices on quality gemstones in town before rolling the Studd back into the ring.
Repo pulled a garbage can from under the ring and followed him in. Repo emptied the garbage can’s contents, hundreds of cubic zirconium rocks, onto the fallen Studd. The ultimate insult! Repo then delivered a bodyslam onto the cubic zirconium! He covered but the Studd kicked out at two and nine-tenths! The Repo Man climbed the ropes in desperation but the Studd popped up to the crowd’s delight and followed him up to the second turnbuckle where he executed a belly-to-back superplex onto the garbage can and imitation-diamond gemstones! One, two, three! The ring had been turned a scarlet hue but the Studd had recovered his diamond chains and perhaps taught the Repo Man a thing or two about respecting other people’s property!
Everybody buy WrestleSlamBowl, only on pay per view! Please!
This Sunday: Bazaars get bizarre, dancing clowns tell dirty jokes, a battle for Nauruan tag team supremacy and a champion is crowned…hopefully. Next week in Nauru, it’s WRESTLESLAMBOWL!
Circuit notes:
Someone has stolen the Trans-Siberian Railroad!
The Renegade was last seen in Moscow, Russia and may have gone to Cape Town, South Africa, Stockholm, Sweden or San Francisco, United States.
WrestleSlamBowl ’93 Preview:
30-man WrestleBowl match for the WOZW Championship!
WOZW Globalweight Tag Team Championship
The Natural Sea Disasters(c) vs. The Jumping Bomb Angels
The Legion of Doom vs. Tooth Fairy, Inc.
Two Falls for the WOZW Bizarrecore and WOZW Bazaarcore Championships
The British Bulldog(c) vs. The Iron Sheik(c)
WOZW Junior Lightweight Cruisership Championship
Red Rooster vs. Cowboy Bret Harte
First Laugh Match for the WOZW Crass Chuckles Championship
Disco Inferno vs. Doink The Clown
NPPW Universal Tag Team Championship
The Phosphate Foundation(c) vs. Phosphate Power & Glory To Our Benevolent Mining Overlords
Plus a special appearance by the President of the United States of America himself!
…and probably more! Maybe.
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Dec 17, 2010 14:35:07 GMT -5
WrestleSlamBowl ‘93
February 14, 1993
Nauru Phosphate Corporation Linkbelt Oval Stadium Powered by Phosphate, Aiwo District, Nauru
WOZW: America Reinvades the Pacific: Oceanixplosion ’93! Tour FINALE!
Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon, Chimp Maelstrom and Blind Rick Martel.Gorilla and The Chimp welcomed everyone to the island nation of Nauru, the Worldwide Leader in Phosphate Attainment. Gorilla hyped the WrestleBowl main event where the WOZW Championship will be awarded to whoever scores the most eliminations. The Chimp felt that the Black Scorpion had to be the odds-on favorite since all of his/their eliminations would be counted together because it’s IMPOSSIBLE! to tell them apart. Also, the President of the United States of America will be making a very special appearance tonight! Ring announcer Monkey Tornado introduced the special guest commentator for the evening, Blind Rick Martel. Martel, who had blinded himself with an errant spray of his cologne and was now managing his best friends Tom Zenk and Tito Santana in the Am-Mex Connection, made his way down to the broadcast booth with help from referee Howler Gale. Martel said he couldn’t wait to listen to the Globalweight Tag Team Title bout between the champs, the Natural Sea Disasters, and the challengers, the Jumping Bomb Angels, later this evening. The cream of the Nauruan celebrity crop was shown in attendance—local hero and Commonwealth Games gold medalist (men’s 60kg snatch) Marcus Stephen, fellow weightlifter Gerard Jones, President Bernard Dowiyogo and village idiot Kieren Scotty. Gorilla said they were all big boosters of Wacked Out Zany Wrestling and it’s co-promoter for WrestleSlamBowl, Nauru Pro Phosphate Wrestling. Also that Nauru is the smallest republic in the world. NPPW Universal Tag Team Champions the Phosphate Foundation (Ruben “The Sandwich” Solomon and “Dangerous” Kinza Doweiya along with their manager “The Ballistic of the Pacific” Jimmanuel Hart) and challengers Phosphate Power & Glory To Our Benevolent Mining Overlords (Larry “The Lion” Keke and Ludwig “The Lion” Mickey) made their way out to a raucous reception by the hometown crowd. The streetwise WOZW Oceanic Champion, Makin’ a Difference Fatu, was introduced to sing the national anthem “Nauru Bwiema.” The South Pacific loves this guy. And with that the action was underway! The Phosphate Foundation defeated Phosphate Power & Glory To Our Benevolent Mining Overlords when K. Doweiya pinned L. Mickey after the Phosphate Attack in 0:05:53. Ruben Solomon suffered a back injury. He will be out for approximately two months. Ludwig Mickey injured his right knee. He will be out for approximately one month. Kinza Doweiya tore his right triceps. He will be out for approximately seven months.
Rating: -*****
(The Phosphate Foundation retained the NPPW Universal Tag Team Titles.)Gorilla pointed out that another NPPW competitor, the German Empire Junior Heavyweight Champion Blitzkrieg, was also here tonight. Replays from this past week on WOZW TV showed Blitzkrieg jumping the guardrail and tackling Cowboy Bret Harte in the ring with a flurry of punches. Blind Rick Martel said he would take Gorilla’s word for it. In the meanwhile, the Cowboy and the Rooster had a score to settle and the new—as “Crazy” Bill “Bang Bang” Watts had called it—“tiny person title” would be on the line. Match for the vacant WOZW Junior Lightweight Cruisership Title:
Cowboy Bret Harte pinned Red Rooster after a Victory Roll in 0:16:16.
Rating: ****
(Cowboy Bret Harte won the WOZW Junior Lightweight Cruisership Title.)These two light heavyweights had a lot to prove as Bret Harte had taken a strong dislike to the cocky Rooster’s underhanded ways in recent weeks. Rooster came into the match with a game plan and it showed as he focused on Bret Harte’s knee, softening him up for the dreaded Cock Block. Things heated up when referee Gibbon Cyclone took a light bump from Harte. The Cowboy went to check on him, allowing Rooster to sneak in with his patented chop block. Down went Harte, holding his knee in anguish! The Rooster covered but could only get a two count. Rooster followed it up with a figure-four leglock, intent on destroying the Cowboy’s knee. Harte, however, summoned up the fortitude to turn the hold over, applying even more pressure to the Rooster’s legs. The Cowboy stood up and applied the Double Leg Lasso Lockup but he couldn’t hold it as his knee gave way! The Rooster took advantage and stomped away at Harte’s knee before placing him on the top turnbuckle for a superplex. Harte stunned Rooster with a punch, though, and in that moment balled the Rooster up with an airtight Victory Roll! One, two, three! Cowboy Bret Harte stumbled to his feet, obviously favoring his injured knee, and accepted his hard-earned championship belt. But before referee Cyclone could so much as raise Bret’s hand in victory the German Empire Junior Heavyweight Champion, the masked Blitzkrieg, rolled into the ring. He took the house mic from ring announcer Monkey Tornado and challenged the Cowboy to a title versus title match, right now, to determine the top junior in Nauru. Harte accepted and was attacked with a series of brutal kicks to the knee before he could even hand off his belt! Blitzkrieg pounded on Harte’s knee for a good couple of minutes before going up top and delivering the devastating Stardust Press. Blitzkrieg surely had the match won but instead took the moment to taunt the audience for daring to get behind the Canadian rancher. Blitzkrieg covered but neglected to hook the leg and was rewarded with a kickout! Blitzkrieg went up top and measured Harte for a flying dropkick…but the Cowboy caught his legs in mid-air! Harte, summoning what was left of his strength, turned Blitzkrieg over for the Double Leg Lasso. Blitzkrieg had nowhere to go and was forced to submit! Cowboy Bret Harte made Blitzkrieg submit to the Double Leg Lasso Lockup in 0:06:38.
Rating: *** 1/4
(Cowboy Bret Harte retained the WOZW Junior Lightweight Cruisership Title.)
(Cowboy Bret Harte won the German Empire Junior Heavyweight Title.)Bret released the hold and collapsed to the ground grasping his knee, completely spent. As ringside personnel helped him to his feet he was handed both of his prizes. Blitzkrieg pounded the mat in disgust and rolled out of the ring. Gorilla wondered whether Harte would be capable of participating in the WrestleBowl later that night. Nobel laureate Ape Hurricane was backstage for another “Tale of the Ape” segment. He reminded viewers that all WrestleBowl eliminations between participants in the WOZW World Championshipweight Heptuple Elimination Tournament would count towards that tournament’s standings. Hurricane presented an updated look following last week’s action: Heptuple Elimination Tournament Standings
1. Diamond Studd 2-0-0
2. Jean-Pierre Lafitte 1-0-1
3. Red Rooster 1-1-0
4. Repo Man 0-1-1
5. PN News 1-2-0
6. Black Scorpion 1-2-0Gorilla and The Chimp recapped the brutal West 47th Street Street Fight between Diamond Studd and Repo Man. Blind Rick Martel said it sure sounded bad and everyone watching backstage was all like, “Oh no! Ooooo, that looks like it hurts! Ahhh! Don’t go in there!” The Chimp suggested that neither competitor would be 100% for the WrestleBowl. Next up, Doink the Clown and Disco Inferno were introduced for the Crass Chuckles title match. The belt was dedicated by Bill Watts himself for the funniest wrestler in WOZW. Doink brought a trunk full of props which he emptied onto the canvas while Disco came empty-handed. Correspondent Baboon Storm, who likes aisle seats but always seems to get stuck with the window, handled MC duties. First Laugh Match for the vacant WOZW Crass Chuckles Title:
Doink The Clown defeated Disco Inferno in 0:03:22.
Rating: *
(Doink The Clown won the WOZW Crass Chuckles Title.)Disco Inferno opened with a series of witty bòn móts regarding Doink’s matronly lineage. The Clown smirked and responded with an assortment of ridiculous balloon animals. Disco shook his head and utilized highly suggestive innuendo to question the veracity of Doink’s fatherly parentage. Doink flopped onto a whoopee cushion which, had this been a triple threat match, would have eliminated referee Lemur Blizzard from the contest. Finally, Disco Inferno had enough and called Doink a “stupid clown,” to which Doink employed the “takes one to know one” gambit. Disco snapped. He walloped Doink with a series of forearms and sent him across the ring with an Irish whip—but Doink slipped on a loose banana peel! The Clown fell through the ropes and onto his face outside. Disco laughed hysterically and Blizzard called for the bell. Doink was overjoyed. Gorilla took the time to thank WrestleSlamBowl’s sponsors: the Nauru Phosphate Corporation, the National Phosphate Company, Republic of Nauru Phosphate and Air Nauru. Puke, Power Warrior and the vivacious Sunny all emerged next for their match with the perfidious Irwin R. Schyster, CPA and Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS. Gorilla reported that Cowboy Bret Harte was heading to Yaren General Hospital to have his knee checked out and would not be participating in the WrestleBowl. Tooth Fairy, Inc. defeated The Legion of Doom when IRS pinned Power Warrior after hitting him with the metal briefcase in 0:07:58.
Rating: -1/2*
[Sunny interfered against Isaac Yankem, DDS.]Blind Rick Martel said this grudge match proves just how intense and competitive the tag team division is in Wacked Out Zany Wrestling. Whoever won had to be next in line for a title shot. The two teams went toe-to-toe and blow-for-blow with head referee Pongo Squall barely keeping control. Sunny tripped Yankem from the outside, prompting the mad dentist to leave the ring and stalk her. Puke ran over to protect his manager but while Squall was yelling at them to separate IRS retrieved his tax-return-filled briefcase and wacked Power Warrior across the face. Squall turned around to see Schyster pinning a prone Warrior. Crazy Bill Watts introduced the President of the United States of America in 9:34.
Rating: Good times
(The President won the WOZW Presidency of the United States Title.)Ring announcer Monkey Tornado introduced the chairman of WOZW, Crazy Bill Watts. Watts and his assistant, groundhog enthusiast Harold Ramis, walked out with a specially-made white WOZW title belt. Watts asked Nauru how they were enjoyin’ this here rasslin’ exxxxtravaganza. Watts said he’d like to introduce the man responsible for the creation of WOZW and who personally appointed Watts to lead the promotion…the 42nd Chief Executive of the United States… PRESIDENT BOB BACKLUND!A smiling President Backlund emerged to a huge ovation from the Nauruan audience. Backlund said he was overjoyed to be paying a visit to such a strong ally. The goodwill WOZW was creating for the U.S. worldwide would help them finagle the country out of debt in no time. Watts thanked him for his leadership and presented Backlund with the official WOZW Presidency of the United States Championship title belt! Backlund humbly thanked Watts. Backlund said he couldn’t run the country alone, though, and introduced his right-hand men…Vice President Masked Superstar and Secretary of State Virgil! The muscular, imposing masked vice president and less-so Virgil stepped out. The Vice President, who spoke in a grizzled Midwestern accent, said Backlund would go down as the greatest American president of all time. Virgil nodded. Watts fired a gun in the air. Crazy Bill said he had just gotten another one of his little ol’ ideas though and told Backlund that due to Bret Harte’s knee boo-boo there was an opening in the WrestleBowl. Would the president like to tie up the boots one last time and try and win himself the ol’ WOZW champeeeeeenship? The crowd roared. Backlund sheepishly thought about it before answering, “You’re damn right I’d like to!” Monsoon, Maelstrom and Martel couldn’t believe it—President Backlund in action at WrestleSlamBowl! In the meanwhile the ring crew carried Persian rugs, Indian spices and Ming vases along with fearsome market stalls out to ringside for the title versus title match between the British Bulldog and the Iron Sheik. Gorilla said a pinfall or submission wins the Bizarrecore belt but putting your opponent through a stall wins the Bazaarcore championship. Two Falls Middle Eastern Market Bizarrecore Match:
The British Bulldog drew The Iron Sheik:
x Bulldog beat Sheik via putting him through a market stall in 0:10:07.
x Sheik beat Bulldog via a sleeperhold in 10:19.
Rating: *
(The British Bulldog won the WOZW Bazaarcore Title.)
(The Iron Sheik won the WOZW Bizarrecore Title.)The Bulldog and Sheik hit each other with everything they could get their hands on. Bulldog smashed Sheik with a hookah but Sheik nailed Bulldog with an Oriental jug. The Sheik threw curry powder into Bulldog’s face but the Bulldog broke an oud over Sheik’s back. Finally, Bulldog placed Sheik on a market stall and climbed a ladder that he had set up, intent on driving the Sheik through the stall with a flying splash. As he scaled the ladder, though, the Sheik recovered and followed the Bulldog up, grabbing him in the dreaded sleeper. Gorilla said each man was fifteen feet in the air! The Sheik cinched it in and the Bulldog began to lose consciousness. The Bulldog fell backwards and the Iron Sheik was driven through the market stall! But wait—the Sheik still had the sleeper locked on! Referee Howler Gale raised the British Bulldog’s arm once, twice, thrice…he was out cold! The Chimp doubted this war was anywhere near finished as all the two men had done was swap their most valued possessions. Blind Rick said there were lots of Oriental Markets in London nowadays and the Sheik is plenty bizarre so maybe they’ll just call it even. There was plenty of more action to come but first Gorilla Monsoon directed viewers’ attention to a very special event WOZW would be holding in two months; an event that would be sure to change the face of professional-esque wrestling forever… [Cue up Phil Collins’ 1984 hit “Easy Lover.”]
From a worldwide participant in sports entertainment.
On Sunday, April 18th…
Legends will be stillborn.
Footnotes to history will be made.
The somewhat notable figures of Wacked Out Zany Wrestling present…
The Zaniest Wrestling Event of All Time!
Coming to you live from three locations:
Buffalo, NY
Washington, D.C.
and Dallas, TX
Available only on closed-circuit television.
It’s the Wacky Uncle of Them All, it’s WrestleZania! Oh my! Monsoon said it would be a night to remember. But for now the lithe feminine duo from the East, the Jumping Bomb Angels, made their way out. Blind Rick Martel noted that they would be giving up in the neighborhood of five hundred pounds in this tag team title contest. The Jumping Bomb Angels defeated The Natural Sea Disasters when Tateno pinned Shark after a roll away in 0:05:42.
Rating: -1/2*
(The Jumping Bomb Angels won the WOZW Globalweight Tag Team Titles.) The champions, Shark and Typhoon, hammered away on the Angels early and hard. The bulk of the big men was simply too much for the ladies. Finally, done toying around, Typhoon delivered a wrathful scoop slam and tagged in the Shark. The Shark signaled for the end and bounced off the ropes, leaping for the massive Shark Splash…but there was no one home! Itzuki Yamazaki had rolled out of the way; she dove to her corner and tagged in Noriyo Tateno who sprinted for the cover. One, two…oh irony of ironies, Typhoon tripped getting into the ring! Three! The Jumping Bomb Angels had done it! Baboon Storm was backstage with Harold Ramis. Ramis said that following their grueling match neither the British Bulldog nor the Iron Sheik were medically cleared to participate in the WrestleBowl. As their replacements, Secretary of State Virgil and Vice President Masked Superstar had accepted Bill Watts’ invitation to join President Backlund in the match. Monsoon and Maelstrom were in shock and Rick Martel was hungry! Most of the executive branch, or at least the ones the general public cared about, would be participating in the WrestleBowl. Gorilla drew everyone’s attention to the scrolling leaderboard ticker at the bottom of their screen. Once again, it’s not the last man standing but the man with the most eliminations who takes home the WOZW Championship. Speaking of which, Monkey Tornado introduced the special guest timekeeper for this bout…RoboCop! RoboCop had already been brought down to ringside during the WrestleZania promo because he moves too slow. Sitting on his timekeeper’s table was, of course, the WOZW title belt. [The WrestleBowl]:IRS was #1 and Earthquake was #2. IRS stunned Earthquake with an elbow and shockingly threw the big man out in only five seconds. With time to kill IRS grabbed the mic and announced that the Legion of Doom were a bunch of tax cheat nobodies. He said April is coming and everyone better have their deductibles in order. Lazertron was #3. Taxes are very low in Outer Space and IRS hates that. Kwang entered at #4. Kwang and IRS double-teamed Lazertron but he caught them napping and tossed Kwang. IRS: 1, Lazertron: 1 The Black Scorpion was #5 and another Black Scorpion was #6. They triple-teamed Lazertron but he fought back once again and dropkicked IRS out of the ring. Doink, the new Crass Chuckles champion, was #7. Doink and Lazertron battled the Scorpions. Secretary of State Virgil was #8 but was quickly disposed of by one of the Scorpions. The other Scorpion tossed Lazertron and we were all tied up. Black Scorpion: 2, Lazertron: 2 The two Scorpions bludgeoned Doink. “Pirate” Jean-Pierre Lafitte was #9 and tore down to the ring. Booty Man danced his way down the aisle with the Booty Babe at #10. Doink blinded a Scorpion with a spray from his lapel flower. The Scorpion flailed about mindlessly before grabbing the nearest body and suplexing him out…but it turned out to be the other Black Scorpion! Gorilla said that per the rules the elimination counted as both a win and a loss in the Heptuple Elimination Tournament standings. Nonetheless, it allowed the Scorpion to take the WrestleBowl lead. Black Scorpion: 3 Rick Martel said this was all too complicated. Repo Man was #11 and looked worn down from his brawl with Diamond Studd last week. In a surprising twist, the Booty Man grabbed his partner Lafitte and threw him over the top rope. Booty said all’s fair in love and WrestleBowl. And how right he was, because just then Doink snuck up behind him and bounced the Booty Man. Black Scorpion: 3, Doink the Clown: 1 Aldo Montoya was #12 at the twenty minute mark. He passed by the Booty Babe playing mediator between his fellow HMS Bounty Hunters the Booty Man and Pirate Lafitte. Repo caught Doink with a jawbreaker and knocked out the Clown. Montoya superkicked the remaining Black Scorpion and tossed him to make it a Scorpion-free ring. Black Scorpion: 3, Repo Man: 1, Aldo Montoya: 1 “The Rap Master” PN News rap mastered his way out at #13. News and Montoya double-teamed the Repo Man but Repo dodged an attack that caused News to strike Montoya. The miscommunication allowed Repo to dump both of them. Repo had tied it up! Black Scorpion: 3, Repo Man: 3 That elimination would also count in the WOZW World Championshipweight title tournament. A third Black Scorpion walked out at #14 and got into it with PN News at ringside! Puke was #15. Officials separated Scorpion and News. As News headed back to the locker room Scorpion slid into the ring and tossed Repo Man to regain sole possession of the lead. The Chimp noted it as another heptuple tournament elimination. Martel said that the Scorpion had quite the advantage here since, you know, there was like five of them. Black Scorpion: 4 Red Rooster entered at #16 a house of fire, still smarting over his loss to Cowboy Bret Harte earlier in the evening. He hit the Scorpion with a kick that knocked him clean out of the ring! Rooster followed up by headbutting Puke and tossing him! The adolescent from Minnesota known as The X-Factor Kid was next at #17 but lasted only six seconds against the charged-up Rooster. In a flash, the Rooster was clucking at the Scorpion’s door! Black Scorpion: 4, Red Rooster: 3 The Rooster was all alone for the next two minutes. He spent it resting in the corner, exhausted from earlier in the night. Then, at #18…President Bob Backlund! Nauru exploded in cheers. Backlund extended his hand to the Rooster. Rooster informed Backlund that he had voted for the other guy and slapped it away! Backlund ripped off his pressed white oxford shirt and wailed on the Rooster. Isaac Yankem, DDS entered at #19 and went after Backlund. Diamond Studd, who had to be stitched up after last week’s WOZW TV main event, was #20. He came to blows with Rooster. Disco Inferno danced out at #21. Power Warrior charged in at #22 and gunned for Yankem. The crowd roared as Makin’ a Difference Fatu emerged at #23 and handed off his colorful leather jacket to a Nauruan child at ringside. “Big Daddy Magic” Oz was #24. He exchanged shots with the Diamond Studd. Then, to everyone’s dismay, President Backlund was forced over the top rope by the 7’0” Isaac Yankem. Black Scorpion: 4, Red Rooster: 3, Isaac Yankem: 1 #25 was the Chairman of the Board, La Parka! La Parka rolled into the ring with a steel chair in hand just as Power Warrior managed to eliminate the Diamond Studd. Studd slammed his fists down on the ring apron in frustration. The fourth Black Scorpion of the night was #26. The Rooster was game though and scored himself his second Scorpion pelt of the evening. Four of the five known Scorpions were gone and the Rooster had tied it up! Black Scorpion: 4, Red Rooster: 4, Isaac Yankem: 1, Power Warrior: 1 Vice President Masked Superstar was #27. He rolled in and floored several opponents with big rights and lefts. The Rooster crept up on Power Warrior and threw him to the outside. ROOSTER IN THE LEAD! The Shockmaster was #28 and refreshingly did not fall down. Rooster and Inferno strategized in the corner, pointing at the larger Shockmaster and Yankem. Rooster shook hands with Disco Inferno, pledging to work together, but then sneakily tossed Disco the second he turned his back! Red Rooster: 6, Black Scorpion: 4, Isaac Yankem: 1 The Chimp said Rooster had the makings of a historic upset here. But as he spoke Isaac Yankem grabbed the diminutive Rooster and heaved him over the top rope and onto the cold and unforgiving concrete floor. The Rooster was going to have to rely on his two-elimination margin…but no sooner had the Rooster flown the coop than “Thus Sprach Zarathustra” boomed and the last remaining Black Scorpion presented himself at #29. This one was wearing a long and flowing robe. Also, Oz bopped the Shockmaster. Red Rooster: 6, Black Scorpion: 4, Isaac Yankem: 2, Oz: 1 Only six possible eliminations remained but the new Black Scorpion was fresh and faced with a ring of tired combatants. RoboCop thought about baby food. La Parka whacked Fatu with his chair. He measured the popular Samoan again but Scorpion came up behind him and threw him chair and all to the outside. One elimination deficit! Bastion Booger was #30. He also likes baby food. Bastion went toe to toe with the Big Dental Machine, always a suspect idea…and there went the Booger! Red Rooster: 6, Black Scorpion: 5, Isaac Yankem: 3, Oz: 1 Five men remained: Scorpion, Yankem, Oz, Fatu and Vice President Masked Superstar. Fatu caught Oz with a savate kick that sent the big man tumbling to the floor. Fatu was on the board! Red Rooster: 6, Black Scorpion: 5, Isaac Yankem: 3, Fatu: 1 Then Yankem doubled him over with a big sock to the gut and casually threw him out. Fatu was off the board! Red Rooster: 6, Black Scorpion: 5, Isaac Yankem: 4 It was a three way race for the WOZW Championship! The Mad Dentist and Vice President wailed on each other against the ropes. Black Scorpion ran up and pushed them both over the top…but the Superstar hung on! Yankem crashed to the floor below! Red Rooster: 6, Black Scorpion: 6 It was all tied up with only two competitors remaining! Masked man versus masked man! Vice President of mysterious origins versus masked illusionist of unknown kinship! The Superstar and the Scorpion! Masked Superstar nailed Scorpion with a blow that saw the Scorpion take a hilarious face-first pratfall to the mat. Superstar picked up Scorpion and whipped him to the corner where the Scorpion doubled up and over the ropes and onto the ring apron. The Superstar charged in with a lariat, knocking a stunned Black Scorpion to the outside! Ding ding ding! THE FINAL TALLY
Red Rooster: 6, Black Scorpion: 6, Vice President Masked Superstar: 1 And the result is…a tie?! Vice President Masked Superstar signaled that the belt should be around his waist. He pointed at RoboCop and told him in his gruff Northern accent to bring him the WOZW title. RoboCop slid into the ring, having been programmed to enter wrestling rings now, belt in hand. The Black Scorpion collected his wits on the outside. The Masked Superstar was adamant that he had won the match. Gorilla wondered whether the second-in-command was briefed on the rules of the WrestleBowl beforehand, idiosyncratic as they were. RoboCop refused to hand over the title as it would violate his prime directive. The Red Rooster ran out and, alongside the Black Scorpion, barged into the discussion. Monkey Tornado announced that the Rooster and Scorpion were co-winners of the 1993 WrestleBowl…but as a result neither man could be awarded the WOZW Championship! Angered, the Masked Superstar caught Rooster by surprise with a hellacious clothesline and tossed a bewildered Black Scorpion out of the ring for the second time. Superstar posed on the turnbuckles to the crowd’s hearty ovation. Monsoon didn’t know what to make of the situation between the Rooster and Scorpion but he knew that they loved the Vice President here in Nauru. Gorilla thanked everyone for ordering WrestleSlamBowl and said he’d see them Wednesday night for more wacked out zany action! 30-Man WrestleBowl for the vacant WOZW Title:
Red Rooster and Black Scorpion fought to a draw in the WrestleBowl:
x IRS and Earthquake started out.
x IRS threw out Earthquake in 0:00:05
x Lazertron entered at 0:02:00
x Kwang entered at 0:04:00
x Lazertron threw out Kwang after an armbar submission in 0:04:39
x Black Scorpion V entered at 0:06:00
x Black Scorpion III entered at 0:08:00
x Lazertron threw out IRS after a dropkick in 0:08:06
x Doink The Clown entered at 0:10:00
x Secretary of State Virgil entered at 0:12:00
x Scorpion III threw out Virgil in 0:13:22
x Scorpion III threw out Lazertron in 0:13:28
x Jean-Pierre Lafitte entered at 0:14:00
x Booty Man entered at 0:16:00
x Scorpion III threw out Scorpion V after a vertical suplex in 0:16:22
x Booty threw out Lafitte after an armdrag takedown in 0:17:36
x Repo Man entered at 0:18:00
x Doink threw out Booty after a headbutt in 0:19:49
x Aldo Montoya entered at 0:20:00
x Repo threw out Doink in 0:20:34
x Montoya threw out Scorpion III in 0:21:13
x PN News entered at 0:22:00
x Repo threw out Montoya in 0:23:36
x Repo threw out News in 0:23:58
x Black Scorpion IV entered at 0:24:00
x Puke entered at 0:26:00
x Scorpion IV threw out Repo after a double reverse chinlock in 0:27:53
x Red Rooster entered at 0:28:00
x Rooster threw out Scorpion IV after a backward kick in 0:28:37
x Rooster threw out Puke after a headbutt in 0:29:48
x The X-Factor Kid entered at 0:30:00
x Rooster threw out Kid in 0:30:06
x President Bob Backlund entered at 0:32:00
x Isaac Yankem DDS entered at 0:34:00
x Diamond Studd entered at 0:36:00
x Disco Inferno entered at 0:38:00
x Power Warrior entered at 0:40:00
x Makin' a Difference Fatu entered at 0:42:00
x Oz entered at 0:44:00
x DDS threw out Backlund in 0:45:17
x La Parka entered at 0:46:00
x Warrior threw out Studd in 0:46:03
x Black Scorpion II entered at 0:48:00
x Rooster threw out Scorpion II after a kneebreaker in 0:48:47
x Vice President Masked Superstar entered at 0:50:00
x Rooster threw out Warrior in 0:51:47
x The Shockmaster entered at 0:52:00
x Rooster threw out Inferno in 0:52:39
x DDS threw out Rooster in 0:53:38
x Black Scorpion I entered at 0:54:00
x Oz threw out Shockmaster in 0:54:47
x Scorpion I threw out Parka in 0:55:21
x Bastion Booger entered at 0:56:00
x DDS threw out Booger in 0:58:19
x Fatu threw out Oz in 1:03:03
x DDS threw out Fatu after a fist to the midsection in 1:03:31
x Scorpion I threw out DDS in 1:05:43
x Superstar threw out Scorpion I in 1:06:13
Rating: -*****
(Red Rooster & Black Scorpion won the WOZW Title?!)
This Wednesday: The Vice President demands a recount, WOZW adopts a hip urban flavor and we’re back in the good ol’ U.S. of A. It’s WOZW TV…on the Internet! Circuit note: omeone ha tolen my “” key! The Renegade wa lat een nooping around my computer. He may have gone to Miiippi, United tate or akatoon, Canada.
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Post by pulsar on Dec 17, 2010 20:16:03 GMT -5
What in the HELL!?!?! This is so awesomely rediculous
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Dec 18, 2010 14:45:09 GMT -5
Hey, glad to see someone's reading. "WOZW Ridiculous" is our version of "WWF Attitude."
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Post by pulsar on Dec 18, 2010 22:18:29 GMT -5
I don't what I love more, John Tenta & Fred Ottman fueding with themselves, RoboCop's in abilty to do...um...almost anything, or The Renegade being the world's greatest thief!
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Jan 5, 2011 17:09:09 GMT -5
WOZW TV on the Internet!
February 17, 1993
Hollywood Sportsman's Lodge & Athletic Depot, Los Angeles, CA
Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Chimp Maelstrom.
WOZW TV opened up to a peaceful and idyllic scene of chairman “Crazy” Bill “Bang Bang” Watts contently rocking back and forth on the front porch of his Oklahoma ranch house, shotgun laying across his lap. Images of American flags waving in the air streamed by, along with dusty old pickup trucks traveling on dirt roads and fathers and sons fly fishing in cold, rocky creeks. Bill Watts’ cowboy accent narrated: “My America is a manly nation; my America is a nation of grit an’ attitude; my America is a sassy nation. And so, I dedicate this here road to WrestleZania to the land of the free and the home of hot rasslin’ action…” His voice trailed off into the sounds of a babbling brook and wind chimes. The following words appeared in beautiful, delicate script: Wacked Out Zany Wrestling presents…
America
A Sassy Nation
The Tour
The screen dissolved to your hosts, Gorilla Monsoon and Chimp “The Chimp” Maelstrom! They welcomed everyone to Los Angeles and said we’d be feeling the fallout from WrestleSlamBowl for weeks and months to come. Gorilla stated that tonight’s show was the first in a series celebrating the American spirit and capped off by WrestleZania, a closed-circuit pay-per-view spectacular heralded as being “Definitely a Stage Amongst Them All.” Gorilla previewed tonight’s main event, another match in the WOZW World Championshipweight Title Heptuple Elimination Tournament: Fan-favorite “The Bort Guy” Diamond Studd and villain “Big Daddy Magic” Oz would be taking on two members of the HMS Bounty Hunters, “Pirate” Jean-Pierre Lafitte and “The Portuguese Man O’ War” Aldo Montoya. Speaking of the tournament, the standings had been shaken up at WrestleSlamBowl: Heptuple Elimination Tournament Standings
1. Diamond Studd 2-0-0
2. Jean-Pierre Lafitte 1-0-1
3. Red Rooster 3-1-0
4. Repo Man 1-2-1
5. PN News 1-3-0
6. Black Scorpion 3-5-0Finally, Gorilla said that tonight there might be some resolution brought to the WOZW Championship situation after the Red Rooster and Black Scorpion tied at six apiece in the WrestleBowl last Sunday: All concerned parties, including the Red Rooster, Chairman Watts, President Bob Backlund and Vice President Masked Superstar would be guests on the Black Scorpion’s first ever Scorpion Pit. Isaac Yankem DDS pinned The Minnesota Mahjong Kid with the DDS in 0:05:37.
Rating: 1/2*Tooth Fairy, Inc. cut an inset promo saying that their victory over the Legion of Doom at WrestleSlamBowl proved that they were the top tag team in WOZW. Meanwhile, the spunky youngster from the Land o’ Lakes put up an admirable effort against the Big Dental Machine but all for naught when the Kid went upstairs for the Mahjongasault and, unbeknownst to referee Howler Gale, Irwin R. Schyster, CPA pushed the Kid off the top rope. Yankem delivered his DDT for the academic pinfall. Baboon Storm, who has a rare type of bone marrow that guarantees he’ll never be able to find a compatible donor should the need arise, was backstage with the master of the Superfly Splash, “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka! Jimmy Snuka said he had just arrived from the Fiji Islands and would be making his in-ring debut next week. Snuka said the wildest man in wrestling would become the WOZW champion. Ape Hurricane, who was embedded with Bravo Company of the 51st Marine Battalion during Desert Shield, was somewhere else backstage with obese Rapmaster PN News and a couple of other new faces: hit musical duo Salt-N-Pepa! PN News said Salt-N-Pepa was the hottest female hip hop act in the country. News and Salt-N-Pepa are working on a single together and they will debut it next week right here on WOZW TV! RoboCop pinned Disco Inferno with the RoboPower Bomb in 0:03:46.
Rating: -**Gorilla and The Chimp discussed how RoboCop was recently patched with wrestling software that allowed him to enter WOZW as an active competitor and a rebooted record. Disco stalled to start, unsure of how to approach the steel lawman formerly known as Det. Murphy; as he did cameras showed Los Angeles Dodger baseball players Darryl Strawberry and Mike Scioscia enjoying the action from ringside. RoboCop decimated Disco with a big metal boot to the face and a devastating powerbomb, going 1-0 in Wacked Out Zany Wrestling competition. Cowboy Bret Harte, fresh off his WrestleSlamBowl victories over Red Rooster and Blitzkrieg for the WOZW Junior Lightweight Cruisership and German Empire Junior Heavyweight titles, was backstage with Ape Hurricane. Harte said he was issuing a challenge to junior heavyweights the world over to come to WOZW and face him in the Cowboy’s Cruiserweight Open. The Excellence of Lassocution said he’d defend the title against any competitor. The Repo Man was backstage with Baboon Storm and two other large, vicious-looking men. Repo introduced his new partners in crime: the devil-horned Bolo Mongol and the Hawaiian muscleman Kona Crush. Repo said the three of them, like all good repo men, Mongolian raiders and Pacific-domiciled weightlifters, liked to pillage and destroy things. They are demolishers; together they are…Demolishment. Demolishment defeated The Am-Mex Connection when Bolo pinned Zenk after the Demolishment Beheading in 0:08:31.
Rating: * 1/2Repo Man and Bolo Mongol, the participants in this bout, made their way out with Kona Crush as a special enforcer. Repo and Bolo grunted and growled at fans while Crush brooded silently. Blind Rick Martel cautiously led his tag team and friends Tito Santana and Tom Zenk out to face down Repo and his new allies. Santana and Zenk took control early with their fast-paced wrestling style but Crush tripped Santana, allowing Bolo and Repo to effectively cut off the ring and dominate Santana. Santana avoided a double-clothesline and tagged out to Zenk, who came in and cleaned house. Senior referee Pongo Squall was distracted by Tito and Repo brawling outside the ring and failed to notice Kona Crush slide in and plant Zenk with a mat-shaking tilt-a-whirl slam. Repo and Bolo reentered the ring and finished off Zenk with their deadly backbreaker/elbowdrop off the second turnbuckle combination. The Chimp noted that between their mass, numbers and tactics, Demolishment would be a force to be reckoned with. The Diamond Studd was backstage with Baboon Storm. He said he was disappointed over his showing in the WrestleBowl but, chico, the Bort Guy don’ dwell in da’ past. He said was oozing highly pressurized carbon and would defeat any pirate, jellyfish or dancing man put in between him and the WOZW World Championshipweight title. He told Oz and the Wizard that they better be on their best behavior tonight because Studd wouldn’t tolerate any monkey business. The bell rang and a demonic version of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” played. The latest WOZW Zanystar, Abe Knuckleball Schwarz—also known as the MVP or “Most Violent Player”—made his way to the ring. Schwarz grabbed a mic and said he hates whiny overpaid celebrity “athletes” who talk about labor stoppages and strikes. He said the California Angels and Los Angeles Dodgers were filled with a bunch of loser crybabies. He pinpointed outfielder Darryl Strawberry and catcher Mike Scioscia, challenging both of them to get in the ring and go three minutes with him. To the crowd’s surprise and delight, Strawberry and Scioscia agreed and stepped in with the surly newcomer! Gorilla and The Chimp couldn’t believe it! [MVP Baseball Challenge]: Handicap-Match:
Abe Knuckleball Schwarz defeated Darryl Strawberry and Mike Scioscia when Schwarz pinned Strawberry after an inside cradle in 0:02:58.
Rating: -*** 1/2The impromptu contest was on! Schwarz pounded on Scioscia with fists and a bodyslam as the clock counted down from three minutes. MVP covered Scioscia but the Dodgers faithful in the crowd exploded when their hometown catcher kicked out! Scioscia caught Schwarz with a low blow and dove to his corner, tagging in the 6’6” Darryl Strawberry. Strawberry was a house of fire, slamming MVP and dropping a pair of elbows. Strawberry covered but MVP kicked out. Strawberry whipped the crowd into a frenzy but as he did Knuckleball snuck up and rolled Strawberry up for the quick three right as time was elapsing! MVP dove out of the ring clutching his head and celebrating like he had just won the World Series. Interview:
The Black Scorpion presents…The Scorpion Pit.WOZW TV came back from commercial break to a ring covered in black tarps and crowded with a mass of masked black figures, a pair of full-length mirrors and a coffin-like box. All five known-existent Black Scorpions were in the ring. Two more slighter-looking Scorpions there as well. The robed Scorpion introduced the Scorpion Pit, the latest and greatest feature of Wacked Out Zany Wrestling. Black Scorpion introduced his new accomplices, two deadly female enforcers nonetheless familiar with Space Mountain, the Glamorous Scorpion Pit Girls! The lean but strong masked ladies did a twirl in the ring. The Black Scorpion said they had a lot of important ground to cover after WrestleSlamBowl but first, a trick. He escorted one of the Pit Girls into the long box and proceeded to saw her in half! Then, to the crowd’s shock, the Scorpion put her back together! Amazing! Now, down to business. Scorpion said he’s the rightful WOZW champion but apparently Bill Watts wants to hold a summit about it. “WOO!” So he invited all parties concerned. With that, President Bob Backlund, Vice President Masked Superstar, Secretary of State Virgil, Bill Watts and the Red Rooster all came down to the now jam-packed ring. Scorpion took a poll: Rooster said he deserved to be champion, having done all his work himself—a not-so-subtle jab at the Scorpions’ pack mentality—while Masked Superstar said in his gruff Midwestern accent that he was the last man standing in the WrestleBowl, meaning he won the damn thing and oughta’ be champ. Bill Watts said it was a dilly of a pickle, but since the President of the U S of good ol’ A was there tonight his Excellency might as well apply his prodigious wisdom to the problem. President Backlund, carrying his newly awarded WOZW Presidency of the United States championship, paused and contemplated the fact pattern. Then, slowly, gazing back and forth between his running mate and the lead Scorpion, Backlund said that rules are rules—and the WOZW title would be decided in a one-fall matchup between the Red Rooster and Black Scorpion. The crowd roared its disapproval and the Vice President slammed his fists down on the top rope in frustration. BUT, Backlund interjected, the Vice President would be the special guest referee! The crowd exploded in cheers! Superstar stood with his hands on his hips while Rooster and Scorpion protested. Ape Hurricane was with the HMS Bounty Hunters: Pirate Lafitte, Aldo Montoya, the Booty Man and the Booty Babe. Hurricane asked them if they had worked out their problems from WrestleSlamBowl where Booty Man had eliminated Lafitte. Lafitte said the WrestleBowl was ancient history and tonight he was focused on the Heptuple Elimination Tournament. Aldo Montoya told Oz that he had a score to settle with him. [Heptuple Elimination Tournament]:
Diamond Studd and Oz defeated The HMS Bounty Hunters (Aldo Montoya and Jean-Pierre Lafitte) when Oz pinned Montoya with the Emerald City Slam in 0:07:15.
Rating: 3/4*Monsoon and Maelstrom commented on how the pairing of the Bort Guy and Big Daddy Magic would be very unpredictable. A replay showed Oz being disqualified for ignoring the referee and beating Aldo Montoya mercilessly during and after their one-on-one matchup last week on WOZW TV. The Wizard accompanied Oz to the ring while the remaining members of the HMS Bounty Hunters, Booty Man and Booty Babe, cornered their team in a sign of solidarity. The two sides battled back and forth with Studd and Pirate spilling out of the ring. Studd brawled with both Booty Man and Lafitte while the Wizard nailed Montoya with Oz’s scepter. Montoya stumbled into Oz’s Emerald City Slam, giving Studd the win and handing Lafitte his first loss in the Heptuple Elimination Tournament. Lafitte and Studd argued on the floor while Big Daddy Magic flexed in imposing fashion as WOZW TV faded to black. Next week: Rap n’ wrestling make a connection, watch out for coconuts, who are we to doubt him and the WOZW title finally maybe perhaps decided! I lost my shoes! It’s WOZW TV…on the Internet! Circuit notes: Someone has stolen the Golden Gate Bridge! The Renegade was last seen in San Francisco, California and may have gone to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Havana, Cuba or Calgary, Alberta, Canada. WrestleZania Preview:
Celebrities!
Music!
Wrestling!
Buffalo!
…and absolutely nothing else. NOTHING.
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Jan 10, 2011 1:57:25 GMT -5
WOZW TV on the Internet!
February 24, 1993
University of California-San Francisco Arboretum, San Francisco, CA
WOZW: America: A Sassy Nation Tour
Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Chimp Maelstrom.
It’s the Rap-N-Wrestling Connection! Gorilla and The Chimp welcomed everyone to WOZW TV as famed hip hop duo Salt-N-Pepa and somewhat popular wrestler PN News made their way to the ring, which had been modified to serve as a temporary concert stage. To the fans’ delight, the Rapmaster and his new friends performed a remix of Salt-N-Pepa’s latest single: “Whatta’ (Wrestling) Man”
P News spits the lyrics that’s why he’s called the Master
Pins you one-two-three with his Rapmaster blaster
He takes his time in the ring and does everything right
Knocks you out with one shot for the rest of the night
He wears a lime green jumper, always lookin’ fine
Each and every screaming lady got the News on her mind
Spends time in the gym to keep his muscles buff
Secure in his manhood ‘cause he’s the rock hard stuff
A lover and a fighter and he’ll drop you with a word
Don’t take him for a sucker or you’ll get a Broken Record
Time after time, he always got your back
Doesn’t ever miss a meal ‘cuz his mama taught him that
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man
What a man, what a man, what a man
I got some mighty good News
Yo’ baby yo’ baby yo’!
Truly a day that will live on in the ledger of our sport. The Chimp thought PN News should focus on the WOZW World Championshipweight title tournament he’s competing in but Gorilla said News and the girls just want to have fun. News and Salt-N-Pepa played to the crowd while the crew scrambled to clear the ring of assorted concert paraphernalia. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, together known as the Blacksmiths, were backstage with Baboon Storm. Baboon asked how Valentine felt about being the first opponent for the debuting “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka. Anvil said that with him at the Hammer’s side Snuka was going to be smashed like a coconut. Jimmy Snuka pinned Greg Valentine with the Superfly Splash in 0:07:07.
Rating: *
Snuka entered to a thunderous ovation from this Pacific-adjacent crowd. Snuka lit up the Arboretum with an electric wrestling style that included a diving splash over the top rope onto both Valentine and Neidhart. Snuka rolled Valentine back into the ring and, with Neidhart knocked witless outside, Snuka scaled the top turnbuckle, raised his arms to the crowd and delivered his iconic splash to a cavalcade of flash bulbs. Monsoon and Maelstrom previewed tonight’s main event, a match ordered by President (of the United States) Robert L. Backlund himself: Red Rooster and the Black Scorpion for the WOZW Championship with none other than Vice President Masked Superstar as the special guest referee! All three men claimed to be the true and deserving winner of the WrestleBowl but tonight it’ll be Rooster and Scorpion with Backlund’s popular running mate enforcing the rules. Gorilla also mentioned that the match would be part of the ongoing heptuple elimination tournament. Yeah, that thing. Bizarrecore Match:
The Iron Sheik made Booty Man submit to the Camel Clutch in 0:05:47.
Rating: -* 1/4
(The Iron Sheik retained the WOZW Bizarrecore Title.)
The Iron Sheik was laden with a heavy heart for his match, seeming both angry and sad. On more than one occasion he exhaled a sorrowful wail, exclaiming that he wasn’t bizarre but rather bazaar. Maelstrom concluded that he must miss the WOZW Bazaarecore belt he lost to the British Bulldog at WrestleSlamBowl when the two men swapped titles. Sheik put Booty through a table with a suplex, then applied the Camel Clutch to pick up the win in a match in which the Sheik seemed totally disinterested. WOZW TV returned from a commercial break to the infamous theme music of “The Green-Eyed Rudo” El Dandy! Dandy emerged with a title belt strapped around his waist. Gorilla and Chimp noted that El Dandy, doubtlessly a world-class wrestler, regularly competes in WOZW’s non-union Mexican equivalent, Loco Loco Lucha Libre. Dandy took the mic and said he was the Campeon de Mundial de Peso Supercruceromedio de LLLL and thus the greatest light heavyweight wrestler in all the world. He said he was accepting the challenge to participate in Cowboy Bret Harte’s Cruiserweight Open. With that, Harte marched out and the match was on! [Cowboy's Cruiserweight Open]:
Cowboy Bret Harte pinned El Dandy after a rollover in 0:07:14.
Rating: ** 1/2
(Cowboy Bret Harte retained the WOZW Junior Lightweight Cruisership Title.)
(Cowboy Bret Harte retained the German Empire Junior Heavyweight Title.)
(Cowboy Bret Harte won the LLLL World Supercruiser Middleweight Title.)
The Cowboy and El Dandy went hold for hold for several minutes with neither of the champions gaining the advantage, but then Dandy whipped Harte sternum-first into the turnbuckles and took control. Dandy worked on Harte’s arm before traveling up top for a flying crossbody. The wily rancher/author from Calgary had other ideas, however, and used Dandy’s momentum to roll through the move and grab a sudden pinfall! El Dandy left the ring in frustration as Bret Harte held his newly acquired title high in the air. An indeterminate number of Black Scorpions were backstage with Medal of Honor recipient Ape Hurricane. The robed Scorpion said he’d beat the Rooster, he’d beat the Superstar, WOO!, he’d even beat the President himself in order to win the WOZW championship. To be the king, WOO! ya’ gotta’ beat the sting. RoboCop pinned La Parka with the RoboPower Bomb in 0:00:55.
Rating: -* 1/2
Ring announcer Monkey Tornado declared that RoboCop was 5-0 in WOZW competition, an auspicious beginning for sure. The steel lawman made quick work of the evening’s second luchador, steamrolling La Parka with the Assault Weapon, RoboCop’s term for a diving tackle to the mid-section, and his awesome RoboPower Bomb. 6-0. President Backlund, Vice President Masked Superstar and Secretary of State Virgil were backstage with Baboon Storm who was missing a contact lens. Superstar, though hard to tell with his mask and all, seemed upset. Backlund said the match tonight would finally determine the WOZW champion. Masked Superstar began to protest, saying that he should be champ since he won the WrestleBowl, but before he could continue Red Rooster interrupted and told Superstar that he better not putz around when calling his match tonight. Abe Knuckleball Schwarz, the mean-spirited dual-sport superstar, came out and told the fans that the Giants would be moving to Tampa and they should all just come to terms with it. The Most Violent Player said that after embarrassing L.A. Dodgers Mike Scioscia and Darryl Strawberry last week he had received a challenge from a Bay Area ballplayer—Oakland Athletics Bash Brother Jose Canseco! The San Francisco crowd booed Canseco as he entered the ring. Canseco swore he would defeat MVP in under three minutes and then continue to be a successful baseball player before retiring with millions of dollars in financial security. [MVP Baseball Challenge]:
Abe Knuckleball Schwarz defeated Jose Canseco by countout in 0:02:16.
Rating: -** 3/4
Schwarz seemed a bit perplexed, perhaps not expecting to suddenly be the crowd favorite. The beefy Canseco was booed mercilessly as he slapped and pummeled Schwarz about the head and face. Canseco sloppily slammed Schwarz and the MVP quickly slid to the outside. Canseco gave chase, but Schwarz surprised him as he turned the corner and rammed Canseco into the steel guardrail. MVP noted that referee Lemur Blizzard’s count was at eight and dove back into the ring. Canseco followed but narrowly missed the count, losing his chance at defeating Schwarz! MVP raised his hand and jumped for joy as he bailed out of the ring and hustled to the back. Senior referee Pongo Squall was backstage with Ape Hurricane. Squall said that as senior referee he was the representative for the WOZW’s referee union and that they were all very displeased by the use of an outside referee for tonight’s championship main event. Hurricane asked if a strike was being discussed. Squall was hesitant as, given that all WOZW Zanystars and officials are technically State Department employees, any strike would violate the Taft-Hartley Act of 1947 and, as interpreted during the President Reagan-PATCO dispute of 1981, would legally equate to forfeiture of their jobs. Pongo’s got kids to feed. A determined Vice President Masked Superstar came out to “Hail, Columbia”, the official vice presidential anthem. Fans erupted for the popular wrestler/politician. He raised the WOZW title belt to the crowd’s approval before handing it off to WOZW timekeeper Buzz Aldrin (no relation to the astronaut). Rooster entered to boos and a herd of Black Scorpions emerged to even more boos. Superstar warned the Scorpions to keep their distance and the match was underway! [Heptuple Elimination Tournament]: Match for the vacant WOZW Title with Special Referee Vice President Masked Superstar:
Black Scorpion I pinned Red Rooster after a roll up in 0:12:39.
Rating: ** 1/2
(Black Scorpion I won the WOZW Title.)
And oh my what a slobberknocker we had! Gorilla said the fans were literally falling off the edge of their seats because of the excitement—and also because being San Francisco the earthquake-prone Arboretum was listing to one side. Rooster and Scorpion brawled back and forth with the crowd getting behind every disciplinary measure taken by the Superstar. Rooster used a closed fist so Superstar bawled him out. Scorpion used a chokehold but Superstar forcefully broke it. The fans love solid refereeing! Rooster attempted to lock on the Scorpion’s own figure-four maneuver, prompting two of the ringside Scorpions to hop up on the apron. The Vice President, fed up with the chaos, slingshot both interfering Scorpions into the ring! They stumbled to their feet but the Superstar delivered a massive double noggin-knocker! The Scorpions retreated as the zebra-striped Vice President continued to make his presence felt. The tension between the three legal men in the ring continued to escalate with Superstar nearly coming to blows with both of the renowned rulebreakers. The Black Scorpion complained to the Masked Superstar about a bad count but as he did Rooster bounced off the ropes and nailed the masked illusionist with his dreaded chop block finisher, the Cock Block! Scorpion crumbled in a heap and Rooster covered for the fall, the title in his grasp, but yet another Black Scorpion slid into the ring and distracted Superstar! Superstar threw the Scorpion to the outside and turned to be confronted by a very angry Red Rooster. Rooster yelled at Superstar for missing the fall and shoved the Vice President! SUPERSTAR DECKED ROOSTER! The crowd roared! Rooster stumbled back into a schoolboy rollup by the Black Scorpion—Superstar hit the mat with a very quick three count and called for the bell! The surprised and confused crowd looked on as Superstar retrieved the championship belt and faced the Black Scorpion. The Scorpion cautiously stood to meet him. Superstar stared at the Scorpion but then, slowly, Superstar extended the WOZW title to Scorpion. The crowd booed. Superstar left the ring as Monsoon and Maelstrom wondered what had just happened and speculated as to whether Superstar had gamed the match in favor of the Black Scorpion. Gorilla said that whatever it all meant, Scorpion had escaped with the title! The mysterious Scorpions celebrated in the ring as WOZW TV faded to black. Next week: Everybody likes magic, WOZW could use more seasoning, a very surreal announcement and THE EXECUTIVE POWERS EXPLODE! Trombone is a funny word! It’s WOZW TV…on the Internet! Circuit notes: Someone has stolen the Harte Family Igloo! The Renegade was last seen in Calgary, Alberta, Canada and may have gone to Reykjavík, Iceland, Tegucigalpa, Nicaragua or Mare Imbrium, the Moon. WrestleZania Preview:
Celebrities!
Music!
Wrestling!
Washington!
…and absolutely nothing else. NOTHING.
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Post by pulsar on Jan 12, 2011 12:46:52 GMT -5
OMG, priceless. Although, I do not agree to El Dandy losing....Who are you to doubt El Dandy?
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Post by gentlemanjeff on Jan 29, 2011 18:45:12 GMT -5
Well, bad news. My hard drive died about a week ago, meaning I lost both WOZW and CWF. WOZW isn't so bad since it uses the base TNM wrestler exports but the loss of CWF included lots of custom wrestlers plus a Word doc full of research and a half-year worth of simmed and _written_ cards that I was going to roll out slowly. So that's a morale-killer.
Worse yet, I'm on a new machine with Windows 7 (Home Premium) and, despite my best efforts with DosBox, I am unable to get TNM working. It installs but, upon trying to load a circuit (after having created it), it reverts to the DosBox command line with a heading like C:\WORLD>_. I think the problem is solvable but I'll be damned if I can figure it out.
I had WOZW pretty meticulously plotted out for all of "1993" so I'd like to continue that at some point. CWF, we'll see, as that'd take a lot of trudging over the same ground to get going again.
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