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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Sept 14, 2012 12:28:13 GMT -5
Our opening video package and Powerman 5000’s “Action” mean Monday Night Action begins … now!
G: We are six days away from Thunderball, and the last stop is Monday Night Action tonight! I’m Garth, here as always with the Honky Tonk Man! HTM: You can be sure that every entrant in that 30-man, over-the-top-rope battle royal for a shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title will be looking to send one last message tonight, and to make sure they do, WWL President Paul Heyman has promised a big main event! G: We’ve yet to see what he has in mind, but we do know what else we’ll see tonight! In a big Extreme Rules Match, WWL Intercontinental Champion Rhyno will team with the Sandman to face the unlikely combination of Matt Hardy and Steven Richards, sworn enemies for months who have both set their sights on the Intercontinental Title of late! HTM: We’ll also see the Dudley Boyz back in action tonight after they were put on the shelf by the Lords of the Dance and Wrestling Royalty three weeks ago, and the two men involved in the Cruiserweight Title match at Thunderball, champion Ultimo Dragon and challenger Kid Kash, will be in action as well! G: Plus, Jake “The Snake” Roberts has a huge guest on the Snake Pit tonight – WWL World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho! HTM: I can’t wait to hear what Chris Jericho has to say about his upcoming match with Rey Mysterio, and his forthcoming match with whoever wins the Thunderball Battle Royal! G: That’s assuming Jericho walks out of Thunderball still the champion!
Opening Segment Theatre[/i]
PTOO! “I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool!” Today’s secret word is “boo” as Carlito Caribbean Cool saunters down to ringside and grabs a microphone.
CCC: In just six days, Carlito will set off on the road to becoming WWL World Heavyweight Champion. In just six days, Carlito will throw 29 losers over the top rope and take his rightful place as No. 1 contender. In just six days, Carlito will show the world just how cool it is when everyone else on the WWL roster bows down to him.
Carlito’s smile slowly fades away.
CCC: But these last few weeks, Carlito has been hearing an awful lot of talk from the other entrants in the Thunderball Battle Royal about how they’re going to win. And not only are they making ridiculous assumptions about their chances of winning, they’re not even mentioning Carlito. They’re not even saying, “I think I’ve got a good chance of winning this thing, as long as I can get past Carlito.” And that? That’s not cool.
Carlito smiles again.
CCC: So Carlito is out here tonight to show all 29 of those men just how inevitable a winner Carlito is. If any of you think you’re cool enough to hang with Carlito, just come on down here, and we’ll see who’s really cool and who’s just pretending.
Dun dun dun dun OHH OHH SHAWN. The crowd pops as Shawn Michaels prances down to the ring and grabs a mic of his own.
SM: Let me make sure I understand you here, Carlito. You’re upset because, in all this talk about the Thunderball Battle Royal, nobody’s said, “Gosh, you know, I’d be feeling really good about coming out of this thing the winner if it weren’t for that Carlito guy. Yes, he sure is a tough customer.” Am I about right? CCC: Carlito can do without your flippant tone, but yeah, that’s about the extent of it. SM: I would ask you what it is that makes you think you have the advantage, but I’m sure your answer will be something to do with (imitating Carlito’s accent) how cool you are. (back to his normal drawl) So maybe a better question is, what have you done these last few weeks to make anyone believe your victory is inevitable? Seems to me the last time these WWL fans saw you in a big match, all you managed to accomplish was getting your teeth kicked down your throat by ol’ H-B-K. CCC: Hey! You know as well as I do— SM: Eh eh eh eh! I’m not done yet! The fact of the matter is, my friend, you ain’t done anything to show these people or the rest of the locker room that you’re a clear favorite going into Thunderball. But if that’s what you want to do, I’ll be happy to give you one more chance to prove me wrong.
Shawn drops the mic and starts unbuttoning his shirt, getting ready for a fight. But before any fight can happen, “Longhorn” cues up and Wrestling Royalty make their way down to the ring. Shawn and Carlito back away from each other as John Bradshaw Layfield and Jeff Jarrett enter the ring.
JJ: It sounds like the two of you are in dire need of a reality check. You can argue your superiority all night long – and you’ve been arguing it for the last month. But what you can’t argue with is the numbers. Tell ‘em. JBL: There are a lot of numbers you two should be concerned with, and I’m sure you’re thinking the most important number is 29 – the number of other entrants in the Thunderball Battle Royal. The number you ought to be concerned about is two – the number of competitors who are going to destroy everything in sight. In a match like this, where it’s every man for himself, Wrestling Royalty’s willingness to work as a unit will mean we have a one-man advantage. SM: Really? You’re talking numbers now? Well, here’s a number I’m sure you can appreciate: zero. That’s how much awareness you two jokers have of the world around you. You really think two against 28 makes your odds that much better? JJ: Maybe you’d like to see what the odds are on one against two. Or maybe one against three.
Jarrett and JBL glance over Carlito, who gets a smile on his face as all three men turn to look at Michaels. Michaels gets himself ready for an inevitable attack, but before that can happen … “Yo! It’s me! It’s D-D-P!” Diamond Dallas Page makes his way down to the ring and stands at Michaels’ side.
DDP: So it’s come to this, huh? A math lesson? I gotta admit, math was never my strong suit in school. But if we’re talking odds, well … I happen to know a thing or do about odds. About overcoming them. I’ve been overcoming odds my entire career, and I’ve done a hell of a lot more of it than anyone expected in the beginning. Now, I don’t know about two out of 30, or three against one, or three against two – I just know about one against 29. And I know that when D-D-P heads down the ramp to enter that match, Wrestling Royalty’s numbers – and Carlito’s too, while I’m at it – are getting cut down to zero. CCC: Well, DDP, you’re right about one thing – math never was your strong subject. Because if it had been, maybe you’d have known that three is still more than two. And on top of that, you come down here and talk about how as soon as you enter the Thunderball Battle Royal, Carlito’s number is up. And that? That’s not cool.
Carlito and Wrestling Royalty square up again and look like they’re getting ready for a three-on-two beatdown when hellfire and brimstone erupts from the entranceway. Everyone jumps a little as Kane slowly stalks his way to the ring. He doesn’t say anything, but he stands with Michaels and DDP.
DDP: I’m no mathematician, but all of a sudden, I’d say things are about equal now. I wonder whether you three jagoffs still have the guts to start a fight.
The heels hold their ground nervously, but don’t seem to be preparing for an attack. We’re at a Mexican standoff until BOM BOM BOM. “It wasn’t … my … fault!” Gene Snitsky now lumbers his way down to the ring. Rather than position himself with the heels, he positions himself smack in the middle of the ring, both sides staring at him and wondering what his next move is. The crowd goes from “uncertain” to “booing” as Snitsky turns and fixes his gaze on the babyfaces. The heels coalesce around him, and we’re about to have a brawl on our hands when Paul Heyman shows up on the video monitor.
PH: I hope you’re not all thinking of starting the Thunderball Battle Royal before it happens. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to that match as much as any of you, but it’s just six days away, and I think I can wait a little longer. I’d advise you to do the same – because if anyone in that ring so much as throws a punch, that person will be out of the Thunderball Battle Royal.
The two sides separate a little, still glaring at one another with trepidation as Heyman continues.
PH: But a little preview of the Thunderball Battle Royal – well, that I’ve got no objection to. And that’s what we’re going to have later tonight on Monday Night Action. It will be an eight-man tag team match – Carlito Caribbean Cool, Gene Snitsky and Wrestling Royalty versus Diamond Dallas Page, Shawn Michaels, Kane and another entrant in the Thunderball Battle Royal to be drawn at random. How does that sound?
The faces essentially nod their agreement. Well, except Kane, who just stares at the heels. The heels nervously seem to give assent. Well, except Snitsky, who’s also doing the death-glare thing.
PH: Now, if you want to avoid the temptation to get yourselves taken out of the Thunderball Battle Royal, I suggest you disperse. There are matches to be had.
After a few more seconds of staring, the heels slowly leave the ring, Snitsky last. They make their way to the back as we make our way to a commercial.
Non-title match: Dean Malenko vs. Ultimo Dragon[/i] As I've probably mentioned a dozen times by now, Ultimo Dragon defends the Cruiserweight Title against Kid Kash this Sunday at Thunderball, and both men face a special challenge tonight. Dragon's is Dean Malenko, who is ordinarily a very tough and canny competitor, but has been unfocused lately due to the “boring” chants the crowd gives him. I probably haven't pointed it out lately, but this is mainly due to his unwillingness to do anything particularly exciting – he mostly just works body parts and won't even throw punches, though every once in a while he'll throw in a signature move. The point is, he's not getting the chants because WWL fans are pricks (though, given that they're deeply invested in a product created by me, that would explain a lot), but because he – the person, not the character – is actively trying to get them. Now that I've wasted a good 30 seconds of your time on my overly detailed exposition, let's get to the match. Chants notwithstanding, it is a pretty competitive affair, with Malenko working to shut down Dragon's offense whenever he starts to rally. One Dragon rally breaks through Malenko's defenses, and he seems to be getting ready to wrap things up, but when he goes for an Asai moonsault, he gets a gutful of knees. Malenko takes over on offense and eventually gets a long two-count off an overhead gutbuster. He hits a double underhook powerbomb and looks for the Texas Cloverleaf, but the crowd lays in the chants and Malenko gets frustrated, and his lack of focus lets Dragon get to the ropes before Malenko can get the hold locked in. Malenko, annoyed, goes for another double underhook powerbomb, but Dragon is able to counter with a huracanrana that sends Malenko into the turnbuckle. As he staggers out, Dragon gets him with the Asai DDT to win it. Ultimo Dragon pinned Dean Malenko with the Asai DDT in 0:05:31. Rating: *** 1/2
A quick cut to the back shows Kid Kash watching on a monitor as Dragon celebrates his victory.
The Lords of the Dance Hatch a Scheme[/i]
Elsewhere backstage, we see La Resistance on their way to the ring. They stop in their tracks when they're approached by Lamont and the Lords of the Dance. L: If you fine French gentlemen don't mind, the greatest dancer in the history of wrestling would like to have a word with you. EM: It goes down like this. The two of you, you're headin' out there to face the Dudley Boyz, and I hear tell they've had some nasty things to say about you. L: Nasty things! The Cat heard 'em! EM: Now you fellas know we'll be defending our WWL Tag Team Titles against the Dudley Boyz in a tables match at Thunderball. And nothing would show those two boys you mean business by puttin' a hurtin' on 'em here tonight, before they even step into that arena in six days. L: Make 'em feel the pain! EM: The Lords of the Dance know that the funky cats in La Resistance have got what it takes to beat the Dudley Boyz, you dig? So what do you say – you in? La Res have a brief discussion in unintelligible French, then turn back to the Lords of the Dance. RD: Oui. L: Oui! Oui! Ain't no sweeter string of vowels in the world! Now you boys go out there and do what you do best -- we'll be watching and waiting to hear the good news! The Lords step aside as La Res head to the ring. That match ... is next!
La Resistance vs. The Dudley Boyz[/i] No doubt with the Lords of the Dance's words still ringing in their ears, La Resistance show some vigor in facing the Dudley Boyz, but the Dudleyz are fired up after spending the last few weeks off TV, having been put out of action thanks to the Lords, Wrestling Royalty and a couple of tables. Considering the spirit both teams are bringing, the opening minutes of the match are surprisingly fast-paced, but things settle down once La Res gets a chance to double-team Bubba Ray Dudley. It doesn't last long, though, as Bubba, after a brief period of disadvantage, makes the tag to D-Von Dudley. The Dudleyz clean house, and although Sylvain Grenier slows D-Von's momentum with a cheap shot to the back of the head, he gets caught coming off the ropes at D-Von and walks right into a 3-D. Cut, print, squash. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) defeated La Resistance (Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier) when D-Von pinned S. Grenier with the Dudley Death Drop in 0:04:13. Rating: ** The match is followed by a commercial break, and when we get back, we see what happened during it. With the Dudley Boyz gone from ringside, the Lords of the Dance and Lamont head down there and berate La Resistance for losing. La Res just sort of stand there and take it for a minute, then decide they don't like what they're hearing and attack the Lords, quickly sending them bailing out of the ring to a surprisingly enthusiastic pop. The Lords back away from the ring, steaming, as La Res invite them to come back for more.
Jericho and Mysterio Exchange Pleasantries[/i]
Backstage, we see Chris Jericho whistling cheerfully as he grabs a huge armload of food and beverages from the catering table. Jericho smugly turns to leave with his ill-gotten gains, but is startled and drops everything on the floor when he runs smack into Rey Mysterio. Mysterio is no doubt looking for some payback from the beating he took last week, but before he can initiate anything with Jericho, Jerichoholics Anonymous show up to protect their boss. CJ: What the hell do you think you're doing, Jay McCereal? I'm standing here, minding my own business, wantonly abusing the hospitality of the overly trusting idiots responsible for our comfort, and you just sneak up behind me and make me drop everything? I mean, I guess I see why you might be upset after my Jerichoholics and I made you look like a chump last week, but this is a disproportionate retribution! RM: You ought to be glad your goons are here to protect you, because if they weren't, and if I'd wanted to, I would have made you eat that table, rather than the food on it. LL: Goons? Who're you calling goons? CJ: Shut up, Lenny, that's exactly what you are and don't you forget it. RM: But frankly, getting jumped backstage is better than you deserve, Chris. It's going to be much more satisfying for me to beat you in that ring one-on-one on Sunday at Thunderball – and walk out the new WWL World Heavyweight Champion. Anytime you want to meet me out there in a fair fight, though, I'm game. CJ: A fair fight? How can any fight be fair when one of the fighters is four feet tall? RM: Oh, a short joke! I've never heard one of those before! That's a good one, Chris. The only thing better than that short joke is the short joke your championship reign will become when I end it this Sunday. CJ: Hey! I've had just about enough of you spreading lies about ... my Precious. He pats his championship belt. CJ: I'd be more than happy to head out to that ring and teach you a lesson about lying, Jay. But as you know, I have a very important interview tonight on the Snake Pit and I can't be getting my interview clothes scuffed by the likes of you. But I'm sure my compatriots here would be more than willing to keep you occupied -- not that their willingness is really all that important here – if you can find a tag team partner foolish enough to oppose the might of Y-2-J and his loyal servants. RM: You know what? I don't anticipate having any trouble at all finding a tag team partner to face your stooges. But you watch closely, Chris – because what you see tonight is just going to be a short preview of what you can expect at Thunderball. Mysterio walks off. Jericho stares after him for a minute, then expectantly glances back and forth between Lenny Lane and Disco Inferno. CJ: What, you're just going to let all that food I dropped sit there on the floor? You've never heard of the five-minute rule? DI: I thought it was the five-second rule, boss. CJ: Well, it is for me.
Extreme Rules Match: Rhyno & The Sandman vs. Matt Hardy & Steven Richards[/i] As you know, Matt Hardy and Steven Richards have been embroiled in a bitter feud for some time now. But last week, after both men failed to capture the Intercontinental Title from Rhyno in a Triple Threat Match, Richards requested – and got – a tag match against Rhyno and Rhyno's ally the Sandman, with Hardy as his own partner. The match ended up being made an Extreme Rules match, which is usually what happens when the Sandman is involved. Hardy said he didn't trust Richards, but in a moment of uncharacteristic clarity, Richards promised he wouldn't betray Hardy, even though the two of them will go at it in a no-holds-barred match six days from now at Thunderball. Richards is still whacked in the head – on several occasions, he makes desperate, diving tags to Hardy despite being firmly in control of his opponent, but on others, he acts as a perfectly compliant tag partner. He even works with Hardy to deliver a Poetry in Motion to Sandman. Despite his general discomfort at working with Richards, Hardy plays along, and the two of them actually manage to dominate Sandman for an extended period of time. Eventually, though, Sandman gets his hands on his Singapore cane and lays out Richards with a hell of a shot to the head. Sandman makes a hot tag to Rhyno as Richards tags Hardy. A fired-up Rhyno comes in and runs roughshod over Hardy -- you will recall that one of Richards' goals in recent weeks has been to start trouble between Hardy and Rhyno, though it's not clear why -- and Richards, who's been knocked goofy (goofier?) by that cane shot, is no help. Rhyno ends up drilling Hardy with a hell of a running shoulderblock in the corner and makes like it's about Gore time, and that's when Richards recovers, attacking Rhyno as he's starting to line Hardy up for his finisher. Sandman quickly comes in to break that up, and he and Richards brawl to the outside. Hardy recovers and puts Rhyno down with the second-rope "AHHHHHHH!" elbowsmash, but gets only two. He also gets only two with a Side Effect. Hardy wants the Twist of Fate, but Rhyno shoves him off into the ropes, and plants Hardy with a spinebuster on the rebound. Rhyno lines up another Gore and charges, but Richards, who's incapacitated the Sandman with a cane shot on the outside, gets up on the apron and shoves Hardy out of the way, eating the Gore himself. Rhyno gets up and walks into a kick to the gut and a Twist of Fate to give Hardy and Richards the win. (Extreme Rules Match): No-Countout-No-DQ-Match: Matt Hardy and Steven Richards defeated Rhyno and The Sandman when M. Hardy pinned Rhyno with the Twist Of Fate in 0:11:28. Rating: *** 3/4 As Hardy has his hand raised, Richards sneaks away from ringside, nursing his ribs after getting hit with the Gore but retaining a hint of a smile. It looks like things went according to plan for him – but can anyone figure out what that plan actually is?
Richards is Confusing[/i]
Coming back from commercial, Matt Hardy is walking through the backstage area, looking a little worn out after his match. He seems to be searching for something, then stops. The camera pans over to show Steven Richards pressed flat against a wall and unmoving, as though trying to blend in with it. MH: Your camouflage index is pretty low there, Richards. Richards remains still. MH: Whatever, I know you can hear me. All right, Richards – you kept your word. You didn't betray me out there, and we won the match. But you and I are still scheduled to go one-on-one at Thunderball, and I'm sure you don't expect me to go easy on you. So what's going on here? You owe me some answers. Richards suddenly jumps away from the wall and gets in Hardy's face. SR: I owe you nothing. Richards and Hardy stare each other down for a second, after which Richards pulls away, his glare fading into a smile. SR: You'll see. Richards walks away, Hardy staring after him incredulously.
Jerichoholics Anonymous vs. Rey Mysterio & Funaki[/i] Rey Mysterio has found a tag team partner, and it so happens that partner has his own reasons for wanting this match – Chris Jericho brutalized him last week and used him as bait to spring a trap on Mysterio, and Funaki is none too pleased. The faces start this one out a house afire (houses afire?), with Funaki getting bigger pops than he probably ever thought possible. Jerichoholics Anonymous hang on, but they're mostly looking like chumps out there. That changes, though, when Chris Jericho saunters through the curtain and sets up a beach chair in the aisle to watch the proceedings. Jericho's presence distracts the faces, which allows the Jerichoholics to isolate Funaki and double-team him for a while. But Funaki connects with an enzuigiri on Lenny Lane and makes the hot tag to Mysterio, who cleans house. Mysterio gets Disco Inferno in place for the 619, but Lane nails him with a clothesline as Mysterio runs to the opposite ropes. Funaki gets back in the ring, grabs Lane and drills him with the Tornado DDT. Disco gets up and charges at Mysterio, who puts him into the ropes with a drop toe hold and this time connects with the 619. While Funaki keeps an eye on Lane, Mysterio hits the West Coast Pop to finish Disco. Rey Mysterio and Funaki defeated Jerichoholics Anonymous (Disco Inferno and Lenny Lane) when Mysterio pinned Inferno with the West Coast Pop in 0:07:28. Rating: *** 1/4 As Mysterio and Funaki celebrate, Jericho gets out of his beach chair and sneaks into the ring, title belt in hand. It looks like he's about to blindside Mysterio, but Funaki sees him and shouts a warning to Mysterio. Mysterio spins around, and Jericho decides discretion is the better part of valor and rolls out of the ring. Jericho and Mysterio communicate via points, gestures and words that aren't picked up by the house mics as Jericho retreats to the back, his Jerichoholics in tow.
The Law Firm Gets its Match -- and a Little More[/i]
The camera catches Paul Heyman in his office. The door is heard opening, and Heyman looks up as Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom walk in. PH: And what can I do for you two men of the law today? MB: We're just here to make sure you received our formal request for a match at Thunderball that will win us Clarence's freedom in the event of our victory. PH: Yes, I received your request. It was... He glances over at a manila envelope crammed full to bursting with papers. PH: ... a novel approach, shall we say. Perhaps a bit more voluminous than I'm used to seeing from wrestlers requesting matches, but no less valid a challenge, and I make it a point to accept all match challenges that do not violate established rules. MB: So we've got the match then, right? Clarence versus Miss Jackie at Thunderball. PH: It's an unusual match, but a fair one, I think. Any inequalities between the competitors ought to be evened out by the stipulation. AM: Hell yeah, man! Clarence is gonna be living the dream out there. MB: Wait a minute. Stipulation? PH: Well, yes, there's a stipulation. After you made your challenge, I talked Goldust, Rico and Miss Jackie about it, and they requested a special stipulation – a point not addressed in the extensive paperwork you sent me. I saw no reason not to grant it. AM: Aw, man! That must have been the thing Clarence was trying to tell me last week. MB: "Trying" to tell you? You told me he was done explaining things when you went after Jackie! AM: Well, there may have been one last thing... MB: OK, I'm going to regret asking this, but what's the stipulation? PH: Evening Gown Match. There's a pregnant pause while that sets in. MB: You're telling me Clarence is going to have to wrestle Jackie wearing an evening gown, and will lose the match if stripped down to his underwear. PH: That is the standard win-loss procedure in an Evening Gown Match, yes. MB: Interesting. Thank you for your time. Bloom turns, grabs Martin by the hair and walks out of Heyman's office, dragging Martin with him. MB: Well, this is another fine mess your teenager-esque libido has gotten us into! AM: Don't hate, man! The only thing I'm trying to get into is Jackie's p— Martin's sentence is mercifully cut off by the door slamming shut. PH: Somebody really needs to yank that guy back to reality. Heyman starts to go back to his paperwork when the door opens again. The camera swings over to show, of all people, Carl Ouellet, who is wearing a tuxedo in addition to his signature eyepatch. CO: Ha ha ha! Yank. Ouellet is gone as quickly as he appeared. Heyman just stares quizzically after him.
Kid Kash vs. Chris Sabin[/i] Kid Kash is out here to prove something tonight – refer back to my constant reminders regarding his match at Thunderball – but Chris Sabin is also looking to prove his worth as a competitor. As such, we get a solid match with a lot of back-and-forth. A run of late-falls in the late going of the match really gets the crowd's attention – Kid Kash hits the tiger driver he initially used as a finisher, the Money in the Bank, only for Sabin to get his foot on the ropes. Then Sabin mounts a comeback and hits the Future Shock, the fisherman's buster he'd been using as a finisher previously, but he's too dazed to cover immediately and Kash kicks out after a long two-count. Sabin hoists Kash onto his shoulders, looking for the Cradle Shock, but Kash manages to counter with a swinging DDT that cleans Sabin's clock. Kash covers and manages to get the three, with Sabin kicking out just a second too late. Kid Kash pinned Chris Sabin after a DDT in 0:06:51. Rating: ** 3/4
The Snake Pit[/i]
Back from commercial, everything is set up in the ring for the Snake Pit. JR: Welcome to the Snake Pit. My guest tonight will, in six days, face Rey Mysterio at Thunderball – and then, if he wins that match, face a challenge from the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal. Allow me to introduce the WWL World Heavyweight Champion, Chris Jericho. "Break the walls dooooooooown!" Jericho cockily swaggers his way down to the ring, looking no less pleased with himself after his aborted attempt at sneak-attacking Rey Mysterio earlier. His championship belt is slung over his shoulder. JR: Thank you for being here tonight, Chris. CJ: Anything to keep my glorious face on camera for an extended period of time. JR: So would you say you're confident going into your title defense against Rey Mysterio at Thunderball? CJ: What the hell kind of asinine question is that? When have you ever seen me not confident? I've made it clear for weeks that that masked hobbit stands no chance of taking away my Precious. JR: So you have. But you can't deny that Rey Mysterio has been doing an awful lot of winning lately, and last week's sneak attack notwithstanding, he seems to come out on top in almost every encounter. Does none of that bother you? CJ: Oh sure, Jay McCereal has pulled off some very impressive victories over my hyper-competent goons. But you might have noticed that when it comes to the rest of the WWL roster, including but not limited to the aforementioned goons, I'm a whole different ballgame. That's why I'm still the champion, and that's why I'll still be the champion after Thunderball, no matter what Jay McCereal tries to throw at me. JR: Well, Chris, I think it's fair to say your confidence has been duly earned – after all, you are the WWL World Heavyweight Champion, and no one has been able to dethrone you. I imagine the oddsmakers favor you going into Thunderball. CJ: Of course they do! Why wouldn't they? They have yet to see even the faintest shred of evidence that anyone can dethrone the WWL World Heavyweight Champion, the Highlight of the Night, the Larger-Than-Life Living Legend! JR: I wonder, though, if you'll be as confident about the future of your title reign a week from today. That's when we'll know who won the Thunderball Battle Royal – and whoever that person is, he'll have his sights set on you. CJ: Who from that bunch of losers could possibly be a serious contender against the likes of Y-2-J? JR: Oh, I don't know, Chris. You're not at all worried about the prospect of facing a monster like Gene Snitsky or Kane? CJ (exuding fake confidence): Of course not! JR: What about one of the members of Wrestling Royalty, who have shown they're willing to do whatever it takes to become champion? CJ (his veneer of fake confidence slipping): Those two? No way! JR: What about Shawn Michaels, whom you walked away from mere weeks ago on Action? CJ (visibly nervous): Um ... no! Definitely not! He can't hold a candle to me, that Shane Matthews! JR: Or what if the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal turns out to be— CJ: No! I don't even want to hear it! I know you're about to say Diamond Dennis, but I'm not worried about him or any of those other ass clowns! My championship reign is iron-clad! JR: Is it? You say the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal doesn't concern you, but the fear in your eyes says otherwise. Your eyes show me uncertainty – uncertainty that you might be able to keep your championship away from the winner of the battle royal. Uncertainty that the match could be won by someone who doesn't worry you. Maybe even uncertainty that you can walk out of Thunderball still the champion. You might be able to pass these things off as nagging doubts, but I've been around long enough to know just how dangerous a nagging doubt can be. What's just a doubt now could, in six days, become a terrifying reality. CJ: I don't need to listen to this! Try all you want to get inside my head, but one week from today, you're going to see me head down to this ring still the WWL World Heavyweight Champion! Jericho throws down his microphone and angrily stomps out of the ring. Jake addresses him as he turns to walk up the entrance ramp. JR: Of course, Chris, you could very well walk out of Thunderball the WWL World Heavyweight Champion. I never claimed otherwise. But you might do well to listen to those nagging doubts. Because if you don't, and things don't turn out quite the way you'd hoped at Thunderball, the jolt back to reality will be all the more painful. Jericho stops and looks back at Jake, who smiles at him. JR: ... Trust me. An uncertain Jericho turns and walks away, clearly less cocky than he was before.
Maria Interviews Kid Kash[/i]
With that, we’re backstage to Maria the Mic Stand.
MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Kid Kash. Kid, your thoughts on your match? KK: Did you see that out there, Maria? Well, if you did, you probably didn’t understand what you saw, but everybody else did. They all thought Chris Sabin had the match wrapped up with the Cradle Shock, but just like that – (snaps fingers) – I turned it around, and I walked out of there the winner. Ultimo Dragon, I hope you were watching real close, because that’s all it takes – (snaps fingers) – for me to turn things around. And at Thunderball, that’s all it’s going to take for me to walk out the new WWL Cruiserweight Champion.
Kid Kash stomps off. Maria just stares after him, the tape recorder in her head not yet having had time to rewind.
The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom vs. Scotty 2-Hotty & Shannon Moore[/i]
The Law Firm is still a little bit flustered about the news earlier that it was successful in arranging a match between Clarence Mason and Miss Jackie for Clarence’s freedom, but because of Andrew Martin’s skewed priorities, shall we say, the match ended up being booked as an Evening Gown Match. Consequently, the duo are easily frustrated going into their match-up with their much smaller opponents, and it shows, as Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore keep escaping situations that might otherwise end the match for them. On top of that, the Law Firm have grown accustomed in recent weeks to Goldust and Rico showing up to distract them, and although they seem to be ready for it this week, the distraction never comes – and their alertness to that particular problem allows their opponents to take advantage of a whole different set of distractions. Moore even gets an extended series of near-falls against Martin toward the end. But when Moore goes up top looking for the Halo, Matthew Bloom shoves him off the top rope and he crashes into the ring. Martin takes the opportunity to slug Scotty off the apron, then grabs Moore as he gets to his feet and delivers the Mistrial (Test Drive) for three.
The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom (Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom) defeated Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore when Martin pinned S. Moore with the Mistrial in 0:08:36. Rating: * 3/4
Edmunds Interviews DDP[/i]
Backstage, Sean Edmunds is standing by.
SE: I’m here with one of the participants in tonight’s main event, and one of the key players in the Thunderball Battle Royal, Diamond Dallas Page. DDP, tonight’s your last chance to make an impact before Thunderball. What’s going through your head as you get ready for your match? DDP: Sean, it's as simple as this. Six days from now, I gotta go up against 29 other guys for a hell of a prize. And I want that prize – especially if it means I get one more chance to take the WWL World Heavyweight Title away from that coward Chris Jericho. So tonight, I've gotta show all 29 of those other guys just what I'm made of. Now, three of 'em I've gotta get along with for now -- so that leaves four for me to use as demonstration models, and all four of 'em are gonna be looking to make an example out of me, too. So what's gonna be the difference-maker? It's like I've said before: Everyone in the Thunderball Battle Royal wants it, but in the end, it's gonna come down to who wants it most. And there's nobody in that match who wants it more than D-D-P. I've got the hunger, Sean. And when I go out to that ring tonight, I'm going to show 29 other guys – and the rest of the world watching in the stands and on the tube – just how ravenous that hunger is. DDP walks off, looking resolute.
The Plot Thickens[/i]
Elsewhere in the backstage area, we see Gene Snitsky step out of a dressing room door. He pauses for a second, as though he's thinking about something, then shuts the door and stomps away, presumably toward the ring. The camera pans over to show the closed door and the name on it, in big bold letters: CHRIS JERICHO. The commentators hurriedly speculate as to what might have just gone on behind closed doors.
The entrances for the main event started just before the commercial break and continued throughout it, so coming back, we've got all the heels and Shawn Michaels already in there. Diamond Dallas Page and Kane make their ways down, and that means it's time for the randomly-drawn member of the babyface team, which is... ALAYLEAAAAAAAHHHHHH ... The crowd boos its lungs out and the faces adopt looks of exasperation – well, except for Kane, who looks ready to kill – as it looks like the random partner is, of all people, Muhammad Hassan. Paul Heyman didn't see this one coming. Hassan, with Khosrow Daivari by his side, slowly makes his way to the ring, casting glances at everyone else in the match. DDP and Shawn, for their part, work feverishly to convince Kane that he shouldn't kill Hassan right away and potentially cost them the match. Kane doesn't really make any signs of agreement, but DDP and Shawn position themselves between Kane and Hassan on the apron, and that seems to keep the peace for now. Wrestling Royalty, Carlito Caribbean Cool & Gene Snitsky vs. Diamond Dallas Page, Shawn Michaels, Kane & Muhammad Hassan[/i] Things start out relatively slow, as they are wont to do in this type of match. The opening minutes are fairly low-impact, with a few minor spots thrown in, but nothing potentially match-ending. The crowd wakes up a little when Hassan, who wasn't paying attention at the time, gets forcibly tagged in by DDP. Somewhat surprisingly, Hassan actually makes a go of it, doing quick exchanges with John Bradshaw Layfield and Carlito before tagging out to Kane. Kane isn't super stoked about being tagged by a guy he wants to destroy, but Hassan gets out of there quickly enough that Kane has to focus on his opponents rather than his teammates. Which I suppose he ought to be doing anyway, but you try telling him that. Despite the awkward situation of having Hassan around, the faces manage to keep things under control as the match goes on, but all that comes to an end when Shawn takes a hangman across the top rope from Carlito and stumbles into a massive clothesline from Snitsky. That allows the heels to gang up on Shawn for a while. He gets a few hope spots, but every time, the heels manage to rein him in before he can make a tag. Finally, Shawn summons one last burst of JESUS POWER~! and uses it to drop Jeff Jarrett with some Sweet Chin Music. Jarrett is able to tag JBL, while Shawn crawls to his corner and tags Kane. Kane goes in there a house afire (hur hur), easily fighting off the offense of JBL, who is not enthusiastic about fighting an amped-up Big Red Machine. After a sidewalk slam, Kane cocks the arm back for the Choke Slam, but JBL scurries over and tags Snitsky. Snitsky and Kane get the usual hoss face-off, then start exchanging blows. Snitsky manages to put Kane down with a powerslam, but only gets two, and Kane then dodges a charging big boot and drills Snitsky with a boot of his own. Still shaken up from the powerslam, Kane goes over to his corner for a tag. He heads for Hassan, who drops off the apron to avoid the tag. Kane doesn't take too kindly to that, and he tags DDP instead before leaving the ring to go after Hassan. Hassan and Daivari, seeing murder in Kane's eyes, run off, and Kane chases after them. DDP yells at Kane to come back, but Kane is too filled with bloodlust to listen. DDP turns around and walks right into the Clothesline From Hell. JBL covers, but he's not the legal man, and Shawn enters the ring to nail JBL with a flying forearm as he protests to the referee. Shawn kips up, and Jarrett charges at Shawn, who backdrops him over the top rope to the floor. Carlito charges, and he gets run over the top as well. Shawn grabs a recovering Snitsky to go for three, but Snitsky boots him in the gut, picks Shawn up in a military press and dumps him out onto Jarrett and Carlito, wiping out his own teammates (not that Snitsky really seems to care). JBL, meanwhile, hauls a dazed DDP to his feet. He looks for a short-arm clothesline, but DDP ducks and grabs JBL for the Diamond Cutter. JBL shoves him away, sending DDP right into Snitsky, who takes his head off with a big boot. Snitsky covers, and that's all she wrote. Wrestling Royalty (Jeff Jarrett and John Bradshaw Layfield), Carlito Caribbean Cool and Gene Snitsky defeated Diamond Dallas Page, Shawn Michaels, Kane and Muhammad Hassan when Snitsky pinned Page after a big boot in 0:13:55. Rating: *** 1/4 Snitsky bellows and leers menacingly to celebrate his victory, but no sooner does he start the celebration than JBL grabs him from behind and chucks him over the top to the floor. With DDP down inside the ring, JBL raises his arms in victory. G: Snitsky gets the victory for his team, but it's JBL who stands tall after sending his own teammate over the top to the floor! Could we be seeing a preview of Thunderball? HTM: There'll be a lot more guys in that match than the eight we saw here in the main event, but to win a match like the Thunderball Battle Royal, all you gotta do is toss out the last man standing -- and that's just what JBL did here tonight! G: We'll find out in six days whether he can do it twice in a row! For the Honky Tonk Man, I'm Garth! Good night, WWL fans – we'll see you this Sunday at Thunderball!
Card rating: ***
Matches signed for Thunderball:
Thunderball Battle Royal for a WWL World Heavyweight Title shot: Diamond Dallas Page, Gene Snitsky, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jeff Jarrett, Shawn Michaels, Carlito Caribbean Cool, Kane, Muhammad Hassan, Khosrow Daivari, Rhyno, The Sandman, Jamie Noble, Andrew Martin, Matthew Bloom, Chris Sabin, Funaki, Goldust, Rico, Scotty 2-Hotty, Shannon Moore, Lenny Lane, Disco Inferno, Dean Malenko, Matt Hardy, Steven Richards, Rene Dupree, Sylvain Grenier, Konnan, Chris Masters, one to be announced
WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
WWL Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Kid Kash
No Holds Barred Match: Steven Richards vs. Matt Hardy
Tables Match for the WWL Tag Team Titles: The Lords of the Dance (c) vs. The Dudley Boyz
Evening Gown Match: Clarence Mason vs. Miss Jackie
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Post by JoshiQ on Sept 14, 2012 13:15:55 GMT -5
I love B-Shows. In fact, when I watch old-school wrestling I prefer to watch Thunder to Nitro and Superstars to Raw. Don't know why that is.
Anyways, good show built simply enough around the matches.
Like your comment about how many times you use the word momentum. Don't ever post your cards on a website and then do a search for a specific word or phrase. I've done that enough on the NWF website to know while I might know a large number of words, I don't use a large number when writing.
I'll catch up on Monday Night Action tonight.
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Post by JoshiQ on Sept 17, 2012 9:56:51 GMT -5
Hot segment to start the show. And it gives us a good main event. Not sure who will be the randomly drawn partner, but could be the wildcard in the match. Was hoping Malenko would pull out the win. Always been a fan of his. And no matter the explanation, WWL fans are pricks. Don't think it's a full-fledged face turn for La Resistance, but a fun moment nonetheless. Jericho is such an ass. Forcing his lackeys to eat food off the floor. His interviews are a highlight of the show though. Can't wait to see him with Roberts. The Richards angle continues to hold my interest. I don't know where this is going, but I keep waiting for the payoff. Big step forward for Funaki. No doubts about the winner, but thought Jericho might take Funaki out after the match. Glad to see this future match is getting more air time. An Evening Gown match? Didn't see that one coming. I hope Mason can pull this one out. Oh, Carl Ouellet is a guilty pleasure of mine. Roberts once again steals the show. Great stuff between him and Jericho. Martin and Bloom needed this win after all of the turmoil they've had to go through. Hassan!? OH WOW! NICE! The match built up Thunderball well, everybody is out for themselves, and it looks like there are a lot of options as to who will go over. Can't wait for the PPV!
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Post by snabbit888 on Sept 17, 2012 17:53:47 GMT -5
I agree with Josh, Jake Roberts is great in WWL.
Hassan as the random draw was nice. Great main event all around.
Not sure on who will win Thunderball - you've done a great job at building up several possible contenders. I'm going with Shawn Michaels as my gut pick, but my ample gut has been wrong before.
Dragon retains, Hardy wins, Jericho retains, Dudleyz are new tag champs. Looking forward to your tomfoolery!
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Sept 18, 2012 9:08:40 GMT -5
I'm glad y'all like Jake "The Snake" Roberts. He's a hell of a lot of fun to write, even though writing his interviews is time-consuming.
Josh:
Yes, WWL fans are douches for giving Dean Malenko grief, but I'm giving them a pass for now while I've got nothing else to do with him. I do plan to go somewhere with this angle eventually, but unfortunately he's got to put up with it for a while yet.
Having read Chris Jericho's second book, I started wondering whether writing him for comedy was a good move, as he says he had to get away from the comedy a little in order to be taken seriously as a main eventer in WWE. Then I remembered I write pretty much everybody for comedy and didn't feel so bad.
Enjoy Carl Ouellet. His WWL character is just another perk of WWL's extra-legal ability to ignore all copyrights.
Ryan:
What, no prediction for the Evening Gown Match? But that one's going to be the match of the night!
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Post by JoshiQ on Sept 18, 2012 9:30:28 GMT -5
I forgot to give predictions!
Like Ryan, I'm going with Michaels to win Thunderball. I don't think Jericho is dropping the title to Mysterio, so a face has to go over here.
Jericho over Mysterio Dragon over Kash Richards over Hardy Dudleys over LotD Mason over Jackie
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Sept 25, 2012 10:20:49 GMT -5
WWL THUNDERBALL: JULY 31, 2005
The opening notes of "Thunderball" by Tom Jones segue into "Remedy" by Seether, the official theme of Thunderball. Also there are fireworks, but it's hard to make them sound exciting with typed words on a Web page. G: WWL fans, welcome to Thunderball! This capacity crowd is on its feet tonight to see 30 men compete in the Thunderball Battle Royal, where the winner receives a shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title in two months' time at September's For Your Eyes Only pay-per-view! I'm Garth, alongside the Honky Tonk Man! HTM: I'll tell you, Garth, those 30 guys have been chomping at the bit these last few weeks to get the upper hand going into this match – but we can't forget that the WWL World Heavyweight Title will be on the line tonight, as Chris Jericho defends against Rey Mysterio! G: We'll also see two other championships decided here tonight, with Ultimo Dragon defending the WWL Cruiserweight Title against Kid Kash and the Lords of the Dance defending the WWL Tag Team Titles against the Dudley Boyz in a Tables Match! HTM: Not to mention the No-Holds-Barred Match where the ongoing conflict between Matt Hardy and Steven Richards will come to a head! G: And then, of course, we've got the Evening Gown Match between Clarence Mason and Miss Jackie that I'm sure will be the highlight of the evening. HTM: No doubt. But right now, we're going to kick things off with some No-Holds-Barred action!
No Holds Barred Match: Steven Richards vs. Matt Hardy[/i] In the latest of a series of dark twists for Steven Richards lately, he doesn't even go into goofy mode this time around. In the opening minutes of the bout, he actually spends a lot of time backing out of situations that might turn out badly for him, this weird dead look in his eyes. Matt Hardy doesn't know quite what to make of this latest development – or, really, any other development in his feud with Richards – but he doesn't have to worry about countouts or disqualifications, so after Richards bails a couple of times, Hardy takes the fight right to him. That puts Richards on the run initially, until he takes advantage of Hardy's continually chasing him when, as Hardy rounds a corner of the ring, Richards uses Hardy's momentum to pitch him gut-first into the announce table. Richards then slams Hardy's head on the table a few times before walloping him with a monitor. That puts Richards in control, though the time it takes him to lug Hardy into the ring gives Hardy enough time to kick out of a pin attempt. Richards continues taking liberties with a stunned Hardy – choking him while he's down, garroting him with a cable, even cracking him across the back with a chair. None of it is enough to beat Hardy, and although you'd think he'd be frustrated, Richards never shows it; he just goes back to work. He picks up the chair again, looking to whomp Hardy in the head with it, but Hardy instead catches Richards with his hands up, hooks the shoulder and delivers a Side Effect, with the chair landing on Richards' head a second later. That only gets two. Hardy lays the chair across Richards' face, goes up to the second rope and delivers a legdrop. That seems to put Richards out, but it also damages Hardy's leg, and by the time he crawls over for a cover, Richards is barely able to beat the three-count. Hardy rolls out of the ring, roots around under the apron and pulls out a ladder. Awwwww snap. Hardy brings the ladder into the ring as Richards gets back to his feet, and he wallops Richards in the gut with it to a big pop. Richards drops to his hands and knees, and Hardy drops the ladder on his back to another pop. Laying the ladder down, Hardy brings Richards up and positions him for a Twist of Fate right on top of it, but while Hardy's still got him in the front facelock, Richards backdrops his way out, sending Hardy back-first onto the ladder. Back in control, Richards opens up the ladder, drags Hardy into the middle of it and repeatedly slams it shut on him. He drags Hardy out for a cover, but only gets two. Richards does it again, this time adding a couple of chair shots to the ladder, but Hardy again kicks out of a pin attempt. Richards sets Hardy up for a Stevie-T on the chair, but Hardy takes Richards out at the legs and he lands back-first on the chair. Hardy follows up with a stiff chairshot to the back and covers; Richards kicks out. Hardy sets up the ladder in the middle of the ring, looking for something big, but he sees Richards recovering and goes over to whap him with the chair, only for Richards to put him down with the Steven Kick. Richards crawls over into a cover; kickout. Richards looks surprised, but he's right back to work as he starts climbing the ladder. He's a good distance up when Hardy recovers, yanks Richards off the ladder by his feet and, when Richards manages to land feet-first on the mat, quickly kicks him in the gut and delivers the Twist of Fate. Hardy covers, but Richards gets a foot on the rope. Frustrated, Hardy repositions the ladder and climbs up to the top. He's looking for a flying legdrop, but at the last minute, Richards gets up and whacks Hardy in the side of the leg with a chair. Richards climbs the ladder with a recovering Hardy on the other side. There's a slugfest at the top before Richards rakes the eyes and slams Hardy's face into the top rung. Richards hooks the arms and Stevie-T off the top of the goddamned ladder. Hardy is dead. Richards covers and gets the three-count. [No Holds Barred Match]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Match: Steven Richards pinned Matt Hardy with the Stevie-T in 0:12:10. Rating: *** 1/2 Richards hobbles to the back, looking shaken up, but an evil grin creeps onto his face at the last second.
Balls[/i]
Backstage, it's time for the debut of everyone's favorite battle royal accessory: the Ball Tumbler! Maria the Mic Stand, who has apparently been taught a new trick, operates the Ball Tumbler. Konnan walks in, eyeing Maria. K: Horale, chica. You are lookin' fine tonight, baby. Why don't you dig real deep in there and find Konnan's ball? Maria blankly retrieves a ball from the Ball Tumbler and hands it to Konnan. K: Hey, maybe after I win the Thunderball Battle Royal, you and me can hit the town. I know this great— Konnan stops mid-sentence as he looks at the entry number he's just drawn, which we, the viewer, cannot see. K: (unleashes a string of what is probably profanity in Spanish) As Konnan grumbles, Carlito Caribbean Cool appears over his shoulder. CCC: Oooh, tough break, mang. Looks like you got your work cut out for you. Now, maybe if Carlito wins the Thunderball Battle Royal, Carlito can take this lovely lady out. K: What you talking about, homes? Maybe if I throw you over the top rope, it'll teach you a lesson in respect. CCC: Be cool, K-Dawg. Carlito's just here for his ball. Why don't you do the honors, sweetheart? Maria blankly fishes out a ball for Carlito and hands it to him. Carlito casually opens it up and a big smile spreads across his face. CCC: Well, would you look at that. So sorry, K-Dawg, but it looks like maybe you and Carlito won't be meeting up later tonight. And that? That's cool. Carlito pulls out an apple, takes a big bite of it and turns away from Konnan, probably getting ready to deliver it to him Great Muta-style. But he stops chewing as soon as he turns around, because he's just come face-to-face with Rhyno. R: Pretty good number you got there, Carlito. Excuse me. Rhyno pushes past Carlito and over to the Ball Tumbler, where Maria hands him a ball. New WWL drinking game: Read the Thunderball card from the top and take a sip whenever you see the word "ball." Rhyno looks at his number, nods and walks back over to Carlito, who's still got a mouthful of apple. R: You wanna know what's cool? Looks like there's a good chance you and I will run into each other again tonight. And I, for one, am looking forward to it. Good luck out there. Rhyno gives Carlito a hard slap on the back, causing Carlito to choke on his apple. Konnan just chuckles and walks off as Carlito spits out the remainder of the apple on the floor and regains his breath. CCC: That's (cough) not (cough) cool!
WWL Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Kid Kash[/i] The commentators casually mention as the match starts that the winner will earn a spot in the Thunderball Battle Royal, replacing Jamie Noble, who is injured. That injury happened in a match with Konnan on the most recent Rush tapings, which don't air when there's a PPV that Sunday. Yes, I still sim the matches, apparently because I am an idiot and want people to get hurt for no good reason. Anyway, Kid Kash and Ultimo Dragon start things off with the kind of technically sound, fast-paced cruiserweight action that thrills live crowds and bores the shit out of people reading a text recap. Lucky you. Dragon gets in some good offense, but Kash does a remarkable job of slowing the pace when it suits him. He also shows his aptitude for escaping dangerous situations, quickly reaching the ropes when Dragon tries to apply the Dragon Sleeper and spinning around to counter with a neckbreaker when Dragon sets him up for the Asai DDT. Dragon takes control again eventually, but Kash manages to roll out of the way of an Asai moonsault, then hits a springboard dropkick that almost gets three. A follow-up frog splash also isn't enough to keep Dragon down for three. Kash hooks him up for the Dead Level, but Dragon escapes, looks for the Asai DDT, gets shoved off into the ropes, ducks under a clothesline and nails Kash with a springboard spinning heel kick on the rebound. Dragon takes control and, after some offense, gets a near-fall off a reverse DDT. Kash rakes the eyes as Dragon pulls him to his feet, then comes off the ropes, but Dragon runs him over the top, landing Kash on the apron. As Dragon comes over, Kash looks for a shoulderblock to the midsection, but Dragon, showing his smarts, gets a knee up, and Kash knocks himself goofy. Dragon looks to suplex Kash into the ring, but Kash hooks the bottom rope, reverses and nails Dragon with a Dead Level onto the apron. Dragon's head hits the edge of the ring and he tumbles to the floor. A stunned Kash rolls back into the ring, still trying to get the cobwebs out after that knee to the head. Before he realizes what's happening, Dragon is counted out. Kid Kash defeated Ultimo Dragon by countout in 0:08:39. Rating: *** (Ultimo Dragon retained the WWL Cruiserweight Title.) Once Kash regains his faculties and realizes he just won by countout, meaning he doesn't win the Cruiserweight Title, he is mightily pissed. He pleads with the ref, but a countout is a countout, and Dragon is KOed and unable to continue besides. Kash storms away from ringside as officials come out to check on Dragon.
Balls 2: Cruise Control
We're backstage once again with Maria the Mic Stand and the Ball Tumbler. Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom walk in. Upon spotting Maria, Martin immediately forgets why he's there and starts putting the moves on her. AM: Hey there, beautiful. MB (resignedly): Oh, Lord. AM: Listen, honey, I don't know what you're doing after the show, but I've kinda got this thing going on with this other chick, maybe, and if that works out like I hope it will and she's OK with some company, I was thinking maybe— MB: Do you even hear the things you say? First, we need to make sure Clarence wins his freedom, then we need to concentrate on the Thunderball Battle Royal. After that, you can occupy your time with ... whatever it is you're trying to accomplish here. AM: Don't hate! I'm just trying to arrange myself a triple threat match later, if you get my drift. MB: You are delusional. Why don't you just ask her to draw some balls for us – non-suggestively, if you can. AM: I can't. Hey, hot legs, how about you grab yourself a handful of balls? Bloom rolls his eyes as Maria reaches in and grabs a couple of balls for the Law Firm. They open them up – Martin mostly keeping his eyes on Maria – and compare. AM: Hey, not too bad. MB: Easy for you to say. Martin immediately refocuses his attention on Maria. AM: Anyway, I don't know if you think three's a crowd, but even if you do, let me tell you, I'm a handful all by myself. And by "handful," I'm referring to my c— Martin is interrupted as Kane barges into the room and walks over to the Ball Tumbler. He just glares at the Law Firm until they back away. He then glares at Maria until she – still blankly – hands him a ball. Kane looks at his number expressionless, then walks out, pushing past the Law Firm. Martin looks like he wants to say something to Maria but, his mojo ruined, he just storms off, Bloom following him. That leaves Maria all alone, but only for a second, after which point Carl Ouellet, still wearing a tuxedo for some reason, pops in. CO: Ha ha ha! Shrinkage.
Tables Match for the WWL Tag Team Titles: The Lords of the Dance (c) vs. The Dudley Boyz[/i] To say the Lords of the Dance are not super-psyched about this one would be an understatement. After all, this is the Dudley Boyz' signature match, and they're all kinds of motivated to punish the Lords of the Dance. That, combined with the fact that tags are wholly unnecessary in this kind of a match environment, leads to an early sequence that sees the Dudleyz in complete control, bouncing L.A. Park and Ernest "The Cat" Miller from one side of the ring to the other. Both of the champions get chucked out of the ring, and the Bubba Ray Dudley asks D-Von Dudley to get the tables. But then Lamont distracts the Dudleyz, giving the Lords a chance to jump them from behind and swing things back in their favor. The heels focus their energies on putting down one Dudley so they can focus on the other, and it actually works out relatively well thanks to their one-man advantage; Lamont may not be much help in a fight, but he can interfere as much as he wants because the Lords can't be disqualified, and the Lords take full advantage. The Dudleyz briefly rally, but when Lamont catches Bubba's attention outside the ring, the Cat nails Bubba with a kick to the back of the head that sends him face-first into the ring post. With Bubba down, the Lords fixate on D-Von, and after a suitable beatdown, he's laid on a table as Park goes up top for a splash. Bubba makes the save at the last second by pushing Park off the top rope, and he and D-Von take over. The Cat eats a Bubba Bomb and Lamont gets chucked out of the ring by D-Von, and though Park puts up a decent fight against both Dudleyz, they quickly overwhelm him. They set up a table and call for the 3-D, but the Cat shoves the table out of the way to save his partner. His joy is short-lived, though, as Park still gets the 3-D, and that means it's two-on-one against the Cat – not good odds. The Cat begs away from Bubba, which allows D-Von to nail him with a reverse DDT. The table is set up again, Bubba goes to the second rope, D-Von hands him the Cat and one powerbomb later, we've got new WWL Tag Team Champions. Table Match: The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) defeated The Lords of the Dance (Ernest Miller and L.A. Park) when Bubba defeated E. Miller by putting him through a table in 0:09:53. Rating: *** 1/4 (The Dudley Boyz won the WWL World Tag Team Titles.) The Dudleyz celebrate with the titles as Lamont tends to his fallen charges. He's so wrapped up in tending to them, in fact, that he doesn't notice the Dudleyz spotting him and moving a table into position. The crowd gets louder as Lamont moves into position, turns around aaaaand – 3-D through the table! The Dudleyz continue their championship celebration, their opponents thoroughly wiped out.
Balls 3: Balls with a Vengeance[/i]
Backstage at the Ball Tumbler, Maria the Mic Stand stares blankly as a still-pissed-off Kid Kash walks out with his number in hand, grumbling to himself. A second or two after he's gone, Wrestling Royalty walk in. JJ: You know the drill, sweetheart. JBL: Let's have those numbers so we can find out how many of these other cretins Wrestling Royalty can expect to face on its long-delayed journey to the top. Chop chop, now. Maria hands a ball to JBL, who opens it eagerly as she retrieves one for Jarrett. JBL's cocky expression quickly turns to dissatisfaction, and he turns back to Maria. JBL: Are you kidding me? Wrestling Royalty is destined for greatness in the Thunderball Battle Royal, and this is the best you can come up with? I don't know how much attention you pay to this sort of thing, but I am a Wrestling God, and I deserve better than a terrible number like this one! I realize you probably won't process any requests to grab me another number, but I think you ought to know what a disservice you've done here tonight! What kind of a draw could possibly be worse than number-- JBL stops as he casually glances over and notices Jarrett staring wide-eyed and unmoving at his own number. JBL: What? Jarrett, still wide-eyed, shows JBL his number, which isn't visible to the camera. JBL: Oh, come on!
Nowinski interviews Mysterio
Elsewhere backstage is Christopher Nowinski. CN: I'm here with the man who will, in a very short time indeed, challenge Chris Jericho for the WWL World Heavyweight Title, Rey Mysterio. Rey, you've amassed yourself quite a winning streak over the course of the last few weeks, but your opponent tonight has insisted you do not have what it takes to be champion. How do you respond to that allegation? RM: You know, Chris Jericho is not the first person who hasn't believed in me. No matter how much I achieve in life, there's always people saying I'll never be able to take that next step. Starting out in the wrestling business at my size, I heard my share of negativity from people who assumed a kid my size could only go so far. And at first, it used to bother me. But over the years, I've figured out a way to deal with that negativity. Every time someone says I can't take that next step, I take two. That's how I've managed to go as far as I've gone, to get where I am today. And that's how I'm going to continue breaking down barriers and accomplishing things no one ever thought possible for a guy like me. Chris Jericho doesn't think I have what it takes to be WWL World Heavyweight Champion, and for now, he's entitled to his opinion. But when he gets in that ring with me tonight and he hears that bell ring, he's going to find out I've got what it takes, and more, to beat him and take home that championship gold. His mocking is only going to add fuel to the fire that will burn Y-2-J and light up the night here at Thunderball. Mysterio walks off purposefully, Nowinski seemingly impressed with what he's heard.
Evening Gown Match: Miss Jackie vs. Clarence Mason[/i] And now for the shameless viewer torture segment of the evening. Remember, if Clarence Mason wins this match, he wins his freedom from Goldust, Rico and Miss Jackie. And because his associates are such good lawyers, there isn't even a penalty if he loses, though remaining in the clutches of Goldust, Rico and Jackie is probably punishment enough. Oh, and the humiliation of losing an Evening Gown Match, I guess. Jackie comes to the ring in a gown that leaves juuuuuuust enough to the imagination that the prospect of her losing it is still exciting to the baser members of our audience. Clarence, because he's still taking orders from Goldust and Rico, comes out in a lovely little number as well that – thank God – is more modest than Jackie's, if not significantly so. He looks absolutely ridiculous, of course, but that was inevitable, and the expression on his face is equal parts "oh God how did this happen" and "OK, if I can just get through the match, this whole nightmare will be behind me." It's a very complex expression, apparently. Anyway, you may have noticed that I'm doing a hell of a lot of stalling on actually describing the match, which is a calculated strategy on my part because there is no force on this planet or any other that can keep this from becoming an absolute train wreck. There's some slap-fighting, and some rolling around, and Clarence fights dirty by pulling hair, and Jackie fights dirty by giving Clarence a wedgie, and sweet Jesus what possessed me to book this crap. Jackie manages to get off enough of Clarence's outfit to reveal he's wearing a bra underneath it, presumably not of his own choice. She pulls off the bra to further embarrass Clarence, but the elastic snaps back and somehow catches the referee in the eye. While he's dealing with that, Jackie manages to pull the bottom part of the dress off Clarence, so he should lose, but wait! He's wearing another skirt underneath it! Jackie doesn't notice right away, and Clarence takes advantage of the distraction to finish the disrobing of her. The referee clears his eyes and sees it, so Clarence wins. Evening Gown Match: Clarence Mason defeated Miss Jackie in 0:02:57. Rating: -************************************* OK, I'll level with you – I didn't really sim this one. I wasn't about to create two new wrestler exports and one new match export, and then try to hire both of those wrestlers, just to book each of them one time in a three-minute match that would turn out worse than the Sid-Kurrgan classic I simmed back in the 1990s. But I think my match rating is along the lines of what TNM would hand out for this stinker. That horrible atrocity over and done with, Clarence is ecstatic that he has won his freedom, but Jackie ruins his celebration by yanking off his backup skirt, revealing frilly lace panties underneath. Clarence flees ringside in shame as Jackie struts around half-naked and the viewers at home finish their piss break.
Balls 4: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull[/i]
We cut backstage to the Ball Tumbler once again. I hope my drinking game made that last match a little more bearable. But just in case it didn't, read it again after you're done with this paragraph. Ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball. Diamond Dallas Page walks in and approaches Maria the Mic Stand. DDP: Let's see what you've got for me. I'm feeling lucky. Maria hands DDP a ball, which he opens for a look at his number. DDP: Hey, not too bad. Ol' D-D-P may just be winning this thing after all. See you around. DDP starts to leave, but he stops short as he spots someone walking in. The crowd can be heard stirring as Shawn Michaels appears. DDP: Shawn. SM: Dallas. Hope you don't mind, but I've got some very important business to attend to. Maria, my dear, if you wouldn't mind doing the honors? Maria fishes out a ball for Shawn. He opens it up, takes a look and nods. SM: OK, I'll take it. Thank you so much. DDP: So how'd you do? SM: No disrespect, Dallas, but let's just leave that a mystery. I'll keep my number to myself, you keep your number to yourself. Sound good? DDP: If that's what you'd prefer. Shawn starts to leave, but DDP stops him. There's a tense second or two before DDP extends a hand, and Shawn shakes it. DDP: Best of luck out there, Shawn. I mean that. SM: Same to you, brother. If it's not me, I hope it's you. Shawn starts to pull away, but DDP holds onto his hand. DDP: One thing, though, Shawn. Now, you know I think you're about as decent a guy as you'll find here in the WWL. But if I were you, I wouldn't hesitate out there. Because I certainly won't. SM (with a grin): Wouldn't have it any other way. The two men prepare to go their separate ways, but they haven't even taken a step before Gene Snitsky bursts into the room. He gives Shawn a long glare, then DDP, then walks over to Maria. GS: Ball. Maria hands Snitsky a ball, which he opens to check his number. He then storms back toward the doorway, stopping again between Shawn and DDP, who glare back. After a second, Snitsky turns and looks DDP dead in the eyes, breathing heavily like he always does. He pokes a finger in DDP's chest. GS: See you ... real soon. Snitsky lumbers out of the room, DDP staring after him with a slightly confused look on his face. SM: What was that about? DDP shrugs.
WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Rey Mysterio[/i]
Rey Mysterio is all business from the start in this one, trying to keep one eye on Chris Jericho and one eye on Jerichoholics Anonymous, who are at ringside with their fearless leader. Jericho is his usual cocky self, spending a lot of time showboating early on as his Jerichoholics cheer him. Mysterio soon takes advantage of Jericho’s posturing to get an advantage and has a few early rallies where he uses his fast-paced offense to keep Jericho confused, but the occasional distraction from the Jerichoholics allows Jericho to retake control. Still, he isn’t taking Mysterio seriously enough to raise the possibility that he might end it, and after a few teases, that allows Mysterio to start an extended run of offense. Jericho is put in place for the 619, but he escapes as Mysterio is running the ropes and chucks Mysterio over the top. Mysterio lands on the apron, and Jericho follows up with a springboard dropkick to send Mysterio to the floor. Jericho distracts the ref while his henchmen go after Mysterio, but before they can get there, the ref spots them and decides to eject them from ringside. They protest mightily, much to Mysterio’s amusement – but while he’s distracted, Jericho comes from behind, grabs Mysterio and drops him into a backbreaker on the ring steps. Ouch.
That leads to an extended period of dominance for Jericho, the majority of it focusing on Mysterio’s back. Though he can’t keep Mysterio down for three, Jericho doesn’t seem to be too bothered by it as he systematically works over the back. Mysterio starts to show signs of life on an occasion or three, with Jericho shutting him down every time. He gets a major hope spot when he counters a Jericho powerbomb with a huracanrana, hooking the leg for a long two-count, but Jericho immediately shuts him down again by delivering a stiff kick to the back after the kickout. Jericho retakes control and gets near-falls off a Flashback and a successful powerbomb. After the latter, Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, and though Mysterio is able to wriggle toward the ropes before Jericho can get the hold locked in, Jericho drags him away and then applies the hold. Mysterio holds on valiantly despite the damage to his back, and just as it seems he might be about to tap, he reaches the ropes, much to Jericho’s consternation. After being forced to break the hold, Jericho drags Mysterio back into the center of the ring, but as he goes for the Walls again, Mysterio counters into a small package that almost gets him three. Jericho gets to his feet and goes for a clothesline, and Mysterio ducks under it with a running start, hits the ropes and catches Jericho with a spinning headscissor move into a DDT to put both men down.
Once the two get back to their feet, Jericho immediately goes after Mysterio, but Mysterio fights him off with kicks and chops. A serious rally for Mysterio follows; not only does he get near-falls off counters and dodges to Jericho moves like a standing enzuigiri and a double underhook backbreaker, he also gets some off his own moves, including a top-rope splash and a springboard seated senton. Nothing seems to be enough to end the match, though, even the aforementioned seated senton, which seemed like it was going to get the three. Finally, Mysterio is able to connect with the 619, then goes for the West Coast Pop, but Jericho catches him out of it and nails him with a powerbomb right on the injured back. Jericho’s too dazed to go for the cover right away, so instead he grabs the legs, looking for the Walls of Jericho again, but Mysterio is able to throw him off, landing Jericho right back in 619 position. Mysterio gingerly gets back to his feet and dials up another 619, but this time Jericho is ready – as Mysterio goes for the kick, Jericho catches his feet and uses Mysterio’s momentum to pull him away from the ropes and drop him into a modified backbreaker. Jericho quickly follows up with a Lionsault to get the pinfall.
Chris Jericho pinned Rey Mysterio after an Asai moonsault in 0:16:13. Rating: **** 3/4 (Chris Jericho retained the WWL World Heavyweight Title.)
Jericho walks out of the match the victor and still the WWL World Heavyweight Champion, but the commentators note that Mysterio has definitely proved his mettle here tonight, further evidenced by the crowd giving Mysterio an ovation as he makes his way to the back following Jericho’s exit.
The dark reality of Steven Richards[/i]
We're backstage again, and surprisingly enough, not at the Ball Tumbler. In fact, the camera doesn't seem to be focused on anything at the moment; it looks more like the camera man is still searching for his subject. Soon enough, though, the shot turns down a corridor to show Steven Richards crouched against a wall, muttering to himself. SR: You did the right thing out there. There was only one way for you to win that match, and we both know it. Now it's all a matter of moving forward. I know this is the best possible move for your continued success. And then, when you finally-- Richards notices the camera. He just stares at it for a second, then he gets up and hurries away. What is his deal?
Stay tuned for the Thunderball Battle Royal, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Needlessly Long Royal Rumble Write-Ups!
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Sept 25, 2012 10:32:35 GMT -5
Without further ado, then. Be ye warned: I love battle royals, so expect the write-up to be a long one. Thunderball Battle Royal[/i] Headed out at No. 1, much to his chagrin, is Jeff Jarrett, who we knew had a very strong reaction to whatever number he drew. Jarrett looks all kinds of pissed at his draw, and he pretty much just mutters about what BS this is through his entire entrance. He waits around for the announcement of No. 2, and looks even more annoyed when it's ("Gettin' bowdy bowdy and ROWDY ROWDY!") Konnan. Once Konnan gets in the ring, Jarrett quickly jumps him to start the match. Jarrett hammers away at Konnan and tries to toss him out, but Konnan fights back with some elbows, a kick to the midsection and a sitdown faceslam. Konnan chucks Jarrett over, but he lands on the apron and rolls back in. Konnan puts Jarrett down with a series of clotheslines, then runs smack into an elbow. Jarrett whips Konnan to the ropes, misses a clothesline and eats a rolling clothesline from Konnan. Konnan charges at Jarrett as he gets back to his feet, and Jarrett backdrops him to the floor. Konnan has been eliminated.[/i] Jarrett waits around for the entrance of No. 3. 5-4-3-2-1... Shannon Moore hurtles down to the ring at No. 3. Jarrett goes right after him as well, but Moore dodges Jarrett's initial attack and fires off on him with right hands. A spinning headscissors dazes Jarrett, and after a series of reversals, Moore is able to get him with the Mooregasm as well to a pretty decent pop. Moore hauls Jarrett up and tries to dump him out, but Jarrett holds on and rakes the eyes to escape. Jarrett charges right into a drop toe hold. Moore goes up top and comes flying off with an axhandle, but Jarrett nails him with a fist to the midsection. Jarrett blasts a stunned Moore with a knee trembler as he tries to regain his footing, then clotheslines him out. Shannon Moore has been eliminated.[/i] Jarrett waits with anticipation for the next entrant. 5-4-3-2-1... The crowd gives a mixed reaction for Rene Dupree of the newly-face-turned La Resistance at No. 4. Dupree enters and immediately gets waffled by a Jarrett clothesline. Jarrett tosses Dupree into the corner and lays into him with kicks, then continues stomping Dupree as he sinks down into the corner, followed by a choke. Jarrett drags Dupree into the center of the ring for a piledriver, but Dupree backdrops his way out. Dupree gets on a bit of a roll with some clotheslines, and gets an Irish whip and lowers his head for a backdrop, but Jarrett catches him, hooks the head and delivers the Stroke. Jarrett drags Dupree to his feet and tosses him. Rene Dupree has been eliminated.[/i] Jarrett cockily beckons to the entranceway, apparently having realized No. 1 isn't so bad if you can throw everybody out one at a time. 5-4-3-2-1... WABOOM. Hellfire and brimstone erupt from the entranceway as Kane makes his way down at No. 5, Jarrett's cockiness immediately turning to dread. Kane takes his time getting to the ring as Jarrett tries to psych himself up for this one. Jarrett charges as Kane enters, but runs right into a goozle as Kane steps over the top rope. Jarrett escapes with kicks to the knee, comes off the ropes and runs right into a clothesline. Kane bounces Jarrett around with clotheslines and uppercuts, then wails away on him in the corner. Jarrett escapes the corner beating with an eye poke, then charges into a sidewalk slam. Kane cocks the arm back for the Choke Slam, but Jarrett rolls out of the ring to escape. Kane's having none of that, as he slides under the bottom rope behind Jarrett and nails him with an uppercut as he turns around. Kane tosses Jarrett back into the ring, where he begs off, but Kane is having none of it. Kane grabs Jarrett and picks him up in a choke lift as the timer counts down. 5-4-3-2-1...
ALAYLEAAAAAHHHHHH... It's boo o'clock as Khosrow Daivari runs down to the ring at No. 6. Daivari wastes no time as he chop-blocks Kane to break the choke lift on Jarrett. Kane drops to one knee as Daivari assails him with kicks to the body and shots to the head. Jarrett takes advantage of the opportunity to take five as Daivari deals with Kane. Kane goozles Daivari from the ground, but Daivari rakes the eyes, then comes off the ropes with a dropkick to the face of Kane to put him on the mat. Kane is down, and Jarrett and Daivari capitalize, stomping the Big Red Machine before he can get up. The two men seem to have formed an uneasy alliance to combat their much larger adversary. They drag Kane up, and Daivari holds Kane's arms while Jarrett nails him with punches and chops. They try to force Kane over the top, but he fights off both opponents, then connects with a double clothesline. Kane scoops Daivari onto his shoulder, but Jarrett saves Daivari, then nails a kick to the midsection and a DDT on Kane. The heels are back in control as the timer starts again. 5-4-3-2-1... "Hail Sabin!" Chris Sabin charges to the ring to a decent pop at No. 7 and fires off on both Jarrett and Daivari, going back and forth between them. A dropkick puts Jarrett down, and Sabin decides to focus on Daivari, with a pretty competent little cruiserweight exchange going on while the two non-cruisers are down. That exchange ends with Daivari escaping a Cradle Shock attempt and nailing an enzuigiri. Daivari pairs off with Sabin while Jarrett and Kane tangle on the other side of the ring. Jarrett manages to get one of Kane's legs over the top and, with some effort, he gets the other one over as well, sending Kane to the apron. Kane holds on, though, and he slams Jarrett's head into the turnbuckle a couple of times, then climbs to the top rope. Kane's taking a big risk, but it pays off as he flattens Jarrett with a flying clothesline. Daivari, who's managed to get Sabin over onto the apron, tries to get in on that action, leaping off the top rope at Kane – but Kane catches him out of the air with a goozle. Kane tosses Daivari to the floor as the timer begins to count down. Khosrow Daivari has been eliminated.[/i] 5-4-3-2-1... The crowd boos as Matthew Bloom thunders down to the ring at No. 8. Bloom immediately takes Kane off his feet with a running bodyblock. Jarrett gets back to his feet only to eat a bicycle kick from Bloom. Sabin gets some shots in on Bloom to stun him, then comes off the ropes, but Bloom catches him and plants him with the Injunction (Derailer). Bloom goes over and hammers on Kane, who's gotten back up, and starts trying to lift Kane over. The announcers point out that although Kane is dominant in a battle royal setting, Bloom is actually the biggest competitor in the Thunderball Battle Royal at 350 pounds. Jarrett goes over to help Bloom, but eventually he gets bored – or maybe he just remembers the bicycle kick from a minute ago – and attacks Bloom, slamming his head into the turnbuckle and hitting some kicks to the gut. Jarrett then goes to focus on Sabin, while Bloom and Kane eventually find each other and tangle some more. 5-4-3-2-1... "Youuuuuuu looooooook soooooooo good to me." Rico makes his way to the ring at No. 9, Miss Jackie sending him off with a kiss at the entryway. Rico goes right for Bloom, with whom he's had issues lately as evidenced by that terrible Evening Gown Match earlier. Bloom fights off Rico at first, then misses a clothesline and falls prey to some Sudden Impact. Jarrett attacks Rico before he can capitalize. Jarrett focuses on Rico while Sabin foolishly takes on Kane. Kane shrugs off Sabin's offense and tosses him over, but Sabin skins the cat. An uppercut by Kane sends Sabin back over, but this time he lands on the apron. Bloom nails Kane in the back and starts trying to lift Kane out, with Sabin assisting from the apron. Jarrett and Rico are going at it on the other side of the ring, and things are finally starting to settle down a little in there. 5-4-3-2-1... ALAYLEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH... The crowd boos some more as Muhammad Hassan slowly makes his way down at No. 10. Hassan really takes forever to get in there. Kane fights off Bloom and Sabin and beckons for Hassan to get in the ring, but Hassan just wastes time until Bloom gets back up and attacks Kane. That's when Hassan enters, immediately joining Bloom in stomping Kane while he's down. Bloom eventually backs off to let Hassan stomp Kane by himself – and then he kicks Hassan in the gut, showing how little regard even the heels have for Hassan. Bloom lifts Hassan up into position for the Settlement (Train Wreck), but Hassan is able to slip out and deliver a neckbreaker to Bloom. As Kane recovers, Hassan drills him with his modified STO, then does his "praise Allah" arm-raise to the boos of the crowd. Jarrett, Sabin and Rico are over on the other side of the ring and Bloom is still down, so there's no one to stop Hassan's taunting – except Kane, who sits up while Hassan has his back turned. Kane gets to his feet as Hassan turns around and grabs him in a goozle as the counter winds down. 5-4-3-2-1...
"WHOA YEEEEEEEEAH!" Matt Hardy, looking a little worse for wear after his brutal match-up with Steven Richards earlier, is No. 11. Kane crushes Hassan with the Choke Slam to the enjoyment of the crowd. Hardy slides into the ring and immediately eats a Choke Slam from Kane. Poor Matt. Jarrett charges at Kane and gets a big boot for his troubles. Choke Slam to Sabin. Rico hits some martial arts kicks on Kane, but Kane catches one, goozles Rico and Choke Slams him as well. Kane's cleaning house in there, but Bloom is back to his feet for the standard "Why don't you try that on someone your own size" showdown. Bloom and Kane exchange heavy blows. Bloom staggers Kane with a hard right, then drops him with a bicycle kick. Bloom picks Kane up and, in an impressive show of strength, easily lifts the big man and walks to the ropes to dump him. Kane fights out, though. Bloom kicks him in the midsection and gets a standing headscissors for the Settlement, but Kane backdrops out. Bloom gets back up and Kane obliterates him with a Choke Slam. Bloom staggers to his feet and Kane clotheslines him out. Matthew Bloom has been eliminated.[/i] Jarrett nails Kane in the back, but Kane no-sells and glares at Jarrett. Kane goozles, and there's a Choke Slam to Jarrett as the timer counts down. 5-4-3-2-1... The crowd boos loudly as John Bradshaw Layfield comes out at No. 12. Seeing his ally in trouble, JBL sprints to the ring, but it's too late as Kane chucks Jarrett out just before he can get there. Jeff Jarrett has been eliminated.[/i] JBL slides into the ring, sees Kane coming for him and immediately slides back out. Kane's having none of that, and he reaches out over the top rope to grab JBL by the hair and pull him up on the apron. JBL grabs Kane's arm and uses it to pull Kane over the top, but only onto the apron. Kane and JBL slug it out precariously on the apron. JBL goes for a big boot, but Kane blocks it, goozles JBL and Choke Slams him off the apron to the floor. JBL is dead. Jarrett gets to his feet and comes after Kane, but Kane easily kicks him away. The crowd's cheers quickly turn to boos, though, as Hassan nails Kane in the back with a chair, sending him off the apron to the floor. Kane has been eliminated.[/i] Hardy knocks the chair away from Hassan and lays in some shots on him as Kane realizes what's happened, but before he can get in there and kill Hassan, Jarrett comes after him for some revenge, and the two of them brawl away from the ring while officials from the back try to separate them. Kane's surviving victims begin to get back to their feet as the clocks counts down. 5-4-3-2-1... "Turn it up!" Scotty 2-Hotty heads through the entranceway at No. 13 and hops the barrier into the crowd to avoid the Kane-Jarrett brawl on his way to the ring. He then hops the barrier again on the other side and enters the ring to go after Sabin. Hassan escapes from Hardy with an elbow to the face and goes after Scotty, but Scotty ducks a clothesline and nails a facebuster. W-O-R-M slide slide slide hoo hoo chop! Scotty nails the Worm on Hassan to the crowd's delight. Over on the other side of the ring, Rico charges at Hardy only to get backdropped to the floor. Rico has been eliminated.[/i] Scotty and Sabin go at it some more while Hardy, after a moment's rest, resumes his attack on Hassan. Things have pretty much settled down after all the excitement with Kane. 5-4-3-2-1... BOM BOM BOM. "It wasn't ... my ... fault!" The commentators opine that business is about to pick up as Gene Snitsky lumbers to the ring at No. 14. Snitsky steps into the ring and immediately makes his presence felt by grabbing Hardy off of Hassan and tossing him. Matt Hardy has been eliminated.[/i] Snitsky quickly grabs Scotty, lays in a few hard forearm shots and tosses him as well. Scotty 2-Hotty has been eliminated.[/i] Snitsky turns around into a springboard clothesline from Sabin, but it merely stuns the monster of Nesquehoning and he stays on his feet. Sabin charges at Snitsky and gets turned inside-out by a brutal clothesline. Snitsky presses Sabin over his head and dumps him out onto Hardy and Scotty. Chris Sabin has been eliminated.[/i] Hassan tries to sneak up on Snitsky, but Snitsky turns around and spots him before Hassan gets the chance. Hassan backs away, then gouges the eyes, shades of Ric Flair. Hassan lays in some hard right hands on Snitsky, then comes off the ropes, but Snitsky sidesteps and runs Hassan over the top. Hassan lands on the apron, gets himself to his feet and takes a big boot to the face, sending him flying into the barricade and down to the floor. Muhammad Hassan has been eliminated.[/i] Snitsky has just cleared the ring, and he eagerly awaits his next opponent. 5-4-3-2-1... In at No. 15 is Sylvain Grenier, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else right now. Grenier gets some shots in on Snitsky, but he barely feels them. Grenier comes off the ropes right into a big boot. Snitsky hauls Grenier to his feet and nails him with the Pump-Handle Slam. Snitsky bellows to the crowd to show his dominance, then pulls a dazed Grenier to his feet and pitches him out. Sylvain Grenier has been eliminated.[/i] Snitsky is all by himself in there once again. 5-4-3-2-1...
No. 16 Funaki runs down to the ring with more enthusiasm than you might expect out of him. He ducks Snitsky's introductory clothesline and actually gets some decent shots on him before Snitsky shoves him to the mat. Funaki is right back up with offense until Snitsky shoves him down again. Snitsky nails Funaki with clubbing forearms, but as he picks Funaki up off the mat, Funaki nails a jawbreaker. Funaki grabs Snitsky in a front facelock and goes up to the second rope for the Tornado DDT, but Snitsky shoves him off into the ring and flattens him with a clothesline. Snitsky quickly picks Funaki up and launches him out. Funaki has been eliminated.[/i] Snitsky once again waits for his next opponent. 5-4-3-2-1... "Yo! It's me! It's D-D-P!" The crowd explodes as Diamond Dallas Page heads out at No. 17. DDP gets in there and has a brief staredown with Snitsky before a slugfest begins. DDP gets the early advantage and sets up Snitsky for an Irish whip, Snitsky reverses and lowers his head as DDP comes off the ropes, DDP goes for a kick to the head that is caught by Snitsky, Snitsky spins DDP around and eats a discus clothesline. DDP gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter and grabs Snitsky for it, but Snitsky counters with a back suplex, which DDP then counters with a cross-body to land on top. DDP gets some mounted punches, then picks Snitsky up and slams him into the turnbuckle. Snitsky reverses a whip into the opposite corner, but DDP dodges the following clothesline and Snitsky crashes into the buckle, DDP following up with a bulldog. DDP gets Snitsky to his feet and starts trying to lever him out as the countdown starts again. 5-4-3-2-1... Disco Inferno dances his way to the ring at No. 18. Disco enters, charges at DDP and immediately gets backdropped out. Disco Inferno has been eliminated.[/i] DDP goes right back to trying to lever Snitsky out, but Snitsky fights free with some shots to the back. Snitsky connects with a sidewalk slam, giving him some time to shake the cobwebs out. Snitsky follows with a choke on the mat, then a choke against the ropes, as the outside referees threaten him in vain with a disqualification that will never occur. The commentators note that despite his being an all-around unpleasant person, Snitsky typically relies on his power to keep his opponents at bay, yet he's fighting dirty against DDP – what's going on with that? Snitsky pushes DDP into the corner and wails on him with kicks and clubbing forearms, then pulls him out into a short clothesline. Snitsky hooks DDP up for the Pump-Handle Slam, but DDP slides down the back and hits a back suplex. DDP now shakes out the cobwebs as the countdown start. 5-4-3-2-1... "Don'tyouwannabemeeeeeeeee?" Lenny Lane runs out at No. 19 and goes right after DDP. To his credit, Lenny gets in more offense than did his fellow Jerichoholic, but not a ton. After a couple of shots to a stunned DDP, Lenny comes off the ropes and runs smack into a flapjack right into a Diamond Cutter. Night night, Lenny. Snitsky drills DDP in the back and continues working him over, connecting with a powerslam after a series of reversals. Snitsky stalks DDP as he gets up and looks for a big boot, but DDP ducks it and nails Snitsky with the Diamond Cutter as he turns around to a big pop. After a quick Diamond Cutter signal to further pop the crowd, DDP starts trying to pick Snitsky up, but JBL is in out of nowhere and he jumps DDP from behind. The Honky Tonk Man correctly points out that though JBL was KOed after being chokeslammed off the apron by Kane, he never went over the top, and Garth begrudgingly admits that's true but that JBL surely regained consciousness some time ago and has just been lying in wait. JBL quickly tosses DDP up and over, but DDP lands on the apron and sneaks back in. He looks for the Diamond Cutter, gets pushed off into the ropes, ducks a JBL elbow and connects with a discus clothesline. DDP is still in control as the countdown starts again. 5-4-3-2-1... Dean Malenko walks out to not a whole lot of reaction at No. 20. He nails Lenny, who's just barely up to his knees, with a double underhook powerbomb, then attacks DDP, who happens the be the only other person standing. DDP is still full of energy, of course, but Malenko's ability to slow the pace down serves him well as he works holds to keep DDP from getting too much of a roll going. JBL gets up and focuses his energy on Snitsky, who's still out of it following the Diamond Cutter, and he tries to get Snitsky up and over, though Snitsky is able to hold on. The DDP-Malenko and JBL-Snitsky pairings continue for a little while. Snitsky eventually escapes the elimination attempt with some clubbing shots to JBL, and he goes over and drills Malenko with a double axhandle before going to work on DDP himself. JBL shakes off the attack from Snitsky and flattens Lenny with the Clothesline From Hell as Lenny tries to get back to his feet again. Poor Lenny. JBL goes to work on Malenko as DDP and Snitsky continue to battle. 5-4-3-2-1...
Dun dun dun dun OHH OHH SHAWN. The crowd pops big time as Shawn Michaels prances his way out at No. 21. Shawn spots Lenny getting back to his feet and nails him with Sweet Chin Music to send him packing. Lenny Lane has been eliminated.[/i] Shawn fires off some shots on Malenko, Snitsky and JBL. Malenko is sent to the ropes and nailed with a big back body drop. Snitsky reverses a whip, misses a clothesline as Shawn rebounds and eats a flying forearm. Shawn kips up, ducks a Clothesline From Hell and connects with an inverted atomic drop on JBL, followed by a right hand to put him down. DDP comes out of the corner where Snitsky had been trying to eliminate him, and he and Shawn square off to a good reaction from the crowd. They lock up in the center of the ring, but before that exchange can go anywhere, Snitsky clobbers DDP while JBL nails Shawn. The heels beat the faces back into opposite turnbuckles and whip them into each other, but Shawn leapfrogs DDP and each man clotheslines the opposite heel. Shawn goes to work on Snitsky while DDP tries to get JBL out of there. 5-4-3-2-1... Goldust is sent off to the ring at No. 22 by Miss Jackie. Goldust lays into whoever gets near him, which includes Malenko, Shawn and Snitsky. Malenko charges into the Shock Treatment powerslam. Goldust nails DDP in the corner, then, seeing JBL partly tied up in the ropes, Goldust puts him into position and nails him with some Shattered Dreams. JBL goes down, holding his injured scrotum, while Snitsky wallops Goldust to stop his rally. Snitsky tries to dump Goldust, but DDP hits him from behind, and now DDP and Shawn double-team Snitsky in an effort to get rid of him. Malenko goes to work on Goldust while JBL just lies there holding his groin. Shawn and DDP get one of Snitsky's legs over the top, but he goes back and forth between them with punches and manages to save himself. Snitsky focuses on DDP once again as Shawn tries to drag JBL off the mat. 5-4-3-2-1... A surly-looking Kid Kash is No. 23, clearly still upset about the way his Cruiserweight Title match ended earlier. Kash makes an immediate impact by springboarding into the ring and felling Shawn with a dropkick. Goldust gets a dropkick of the regular variety while Malenko gets the Dead Level. DDP thumps Kash to stop his momentum, then whips him into Snitsky in the corner, which seems to hurt Kash more than Snitsky. DDP starts trying to lift Kash out of there, and Goldust goes over to tussle with Snitsky before Snitsky can go after DDP again. Shawn stomps away at JBL in the corner to try to get him back to his feet. Malenko is still down following the Dead Level. Snitsky lifts Goldust over the top, but Goldust lands on the apron and sends Snitsky's head into the turnbuckle, then tries to lift Snitsky out from the apron. Kash escapes attempted elimination by DDP via an eye rake and some kicks to the head, while Malenko grabs Shawn in a crowbar to stop his assault on JBL. 5-4-3-2-1... Chris Masters slowly makes his way down at No. 24. Once he finally gets to the ring, he lays in clubbing shots on everyone in sight. Kash shoves DDP toward Masters and Masters levels DDP with a big clothesline. As DDP gets back to his feet, Masters stalks him, looking for the Masterlock, but as he goes for the hold, DDP counters into a Diamond Cutter. Kash runs over and kicks DDP in the gut, then tries to set up for the Dead Level, but DDP twists the arm to escape and connects with a Diamond Cutter on Kash as well. Snitsky quickly stops DDP's rally with some forearms to the back of the head, then he puts DDP down with a bodyslam and follows with some stomps and elbowdrops. Snitsky brings DDP to his feet, and DDP breaks Snitsky's grip and grabs him for a Diamond Cutter. Snitsky pushes DDP off into the ropes, but DDP catches the ropes to keep from bouncing right back toward Snitsky. Snitsky goes for a big boot, but DDP ducks and Snitsky crotches himself on the top rope. DDP quickly lifts Snitsky's other leg up and over, sending Snitsky to the floor to a huge pop. Gene Snitsky has been eliminated.[/i] DDP goes over and works on Goldust as Snitsky throws a fit on the floor and the counter ticks down. 5-4-3-2-1... A loud, bestial snort and a big pop accompany the arrival of Rhyno at No. 25. Rhyno enters and nails Malenko with the Gore. Shawn misses a clothesline and gets hit with a second Gore. Goldust fights off DDP and walks into a big spinebuster from Rhyno. Rhyno lines up a Gore on DDP, but DDP sidesteps and Rhyno crashes into the turnbuckle. Rhyno stumbles back toward DDP and gets hit with a powerslam. DDP comes off the ropes for a move on Rhyno, but stops suddenly as Snitsky reaches up and grabs him, trying to pull him out. Officials try to pull Snitsky off DDP, and DDP nails Snitsky with a left hand to break his grip. Snitsky shouts incomprehensible threats at DDP as officials separate the two. DDP turns back to the action in the ring and JBL takes his head off with the Clothesline From Hell. Seeing his opportunity, JBL hustles DDP to his feet and tosses him out right in front of the officials, drawing a big round of boos from the crowd. Diamond Dallas Page has been eliminated.[/i] With DDP out, Snitsky quickly loses interest and heads to the back, with DDP in hot pursuit once he regains his footing. Back in the ring, Rhyno mixes it up with JBL, Goldust tangles with Masters and Kash tries to get Shawn out of there, while Malenko is still down after the Gore. 5-4-3-2-1...
"Hello, ladies!" There's a decent crowd pop for Val Venis, a surprise entrant at No. 26. Venis drops Kash with a spin-out powerbomb and Goldust with a fisherman suplex. Masters goes over and attacks Venis, hefting him onto his shoulder for a running powerslam, but Venis slides down the back and nails Masters with a Russian legsweep. Venis goes up top and nails Masters with the Money Shot. Then he gets clocked by Rhyno. Elsewhere, Malenko and JBK double-team Shawn. Malenko holds Shawn's arms while JBL nails him with rights and lefts. JBL comes off the ropes, looking for the Clothesline From Hell, but Shawn dodges and JBL drills Malenko with it. Shawn attacks JBL as Rhyno picks up Malenko and chucks him out. Dean Malenko has been eliminated.[/i] Rhyno goes over and focuses his energy on Kash while Goldust and Venis go at it, Masters eventually getting involved in the latter confrontation after recovering from the Money Shot. 5-4-3-2-1... Andrew Martin rushes down to the ring at No. 27. He gets in there and immediately fells Goldust with a big boot. Rhyno goes after Martin, but Martin catches a punch and nails Rhyno with a full nelson slam. Kash charges at Martin and runs into a big boot as well. Martin takes a moment to showboat, giving Venis a chance to catch him with a spinebuster. Venis continues to work on Martin as Martin's victims recover. Over on the other side of the ring, Shawn gets JBL over, but he lands on the apron and rolls back in. Masters seizes the opportunity and picks Shawn up in a military press, but Shawn rakes the eyes to escape. As Masters staggers from the eye rake, Shawn is able to clothesline him out. Chris Masters has been eliminated.[/i] Moments later, JBL catches Goldust recovering from Martin's big boot and tosses him as well. Goldust has been eliminated.[/i] JBL goes over and nails Venis, allowing Shawn to pick up on Martin and Rhyno and Kash to scrap as they get back to their feet. 5-4-3-2-1... "I'll show you! You'll see!" There's a respectable volume of boos for Steven Richards at No. 28. Richards takes his time getting to the ring, given the beating he took earlier in the night. He actually circles the ring a little bit before entering it, clearly picking his spots. Finally, Richards slides in the ring and catches Rhyno with a Steven Kick right as he turns around. He doesn't get a chance to capitalize, though, as Richards turns around and quickly finds himself on the receiving end of Sweet Chin Music. Shawn gives that "Did I do that?" shrug he sometimes gives in these situations, then goes over and tangles with Kash. Martin lays in some stomps on the downed Rhyno while JBL and Venis each try to eliminate the other over in the corner. Richards is slow to recover, but when he does, he drags himself to a corner and tries to escape notice rather than immediately going after somebody else. 5-4-3-2-1... "Enter Sandman" cues up as The Sandman makes his way through the crowd at No. 29. After the traditional smashing of the beer can on his forehead, he heads to the ring with Singapore cane in hand. Sandman hits the ring and doles out cane shots to Kash, Martin and Venis. JBL whiffs a Clothesline From Hell and takes a few cane shots from the Sandman as well. Sandman is about to deliver another cane shot when he notices his potential victim is Rhyno, a friend and frequent ally. There's a tense moment between the two, after which Rhyno beckons to Sandman to go ahead and do his worst. Sandman asks if the crowd wants to see it, which it seems they do, and Rhyno tenses himself for the blow, but it never comes, as Richards snatches the cane out of Sandman's hands and whacks him in the gut with it. Rhyno takes a shot to the head as well. Rhyno goes down, and Richards continues hitting him with the cane until Shawn pulls the cane away from Richards and starts hammering on him. Venis and Martin go at it as JBL tries to shake off the cane shots he just took. Kash gets back to his feet and grabs the cane, looking for some payback on Sandman, but Sandman ducks a big swing from Kash and then clotheslines him to the floor as the countdown starts. Kid Kash has been eliminated.[/i] 5-4-3-2-1... PTOO! "I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool!" Well, we can see why Carlito Caribbean Cool was so pleased with his draw earlier: He's No. 30. As Carlito saunters to the ring, we can take stock of our final suspects in the Thunderball Battle Royal: John Bradshaw Layfield, Shawn Michaels, Rhyno, Val Venis, Andrew Martin, Steven Richards, The Sandman and Carlito Caribbean Cool. The cameras just barely catch JBL kicking the Sandman's cane out of the ring. Carlito enters the ring and spits a mouthful of apple right in Shawn's face. Shawn doesn't take too kindly to that, and he lays into Carlito as Carlito tries to cover up. Carlito eventually ducks a clothesline and scoots away from Shawn, and as Shawn tries to pursue him, he's cut off by a clothesline from Martin. With Carlito cheering him on, Martin chucks Shawn up and over, but Shawn skins the cat, grabs Martin with his legs and pulls him out to the floor. Andrew Martin has been eliminated.[/i] Shawn skins the cat a second time to get back in the ring, only to get kicked in the back by Richards. Richards works over Shawn while JBL clubs Sandman with forearms and Venis goes at it with Rhyno, Carlito largely avoiding confrontation for now. Venis tries to get rid of Rhyno, and he's almost got him over when Richards comes from behind and dumps Venis. Val Venis has been eliminated.[/i] Carlito sees his opportunity and dropkicks Richards in the back to send him up and over as well. Steven Richards has been eliminated.[/i] Sandman nails JBL with a headbutt to break his momentum, then grabs him for a Russian legsweep, but JBL blocks it and is able to toss Sandman over. The Sandman has been eliminated.[/i]
We're down to the final four: JBL, Shawn, Rhyno and Carlito. Each of the four competitors retreats to a corner, as so often happens in these situations. JBL and Carlito slowly form a heel truce and advance on the faces, but Carlito quickly changes his mind -- probably remembering that JBL used this approach to trick him and eliminate him from a battle royal a few months ago -- and hits JBL in the back, then starts hammering on him. Shawn just shrugs at Rhyno, and the two of them simultaneously connect with kicks to the midsection. Shawn and Rhyno start a slugfest while Carlito stomps and kicks at a downed JBL. Carlito picks JBL up and drops him with the Overdrive. Shawn gets a side headlock on Rhyno, who shoves him off into the ropes, misses a clothesline as Shawn rebounds and then gets hit with a flying forearm. Shawn kips up, only to get clotheslined right back down by Carlito. Carlito picks Shawn up and tosses him over, but Shawn once again hangs on. Shawn climbs to the top rope and Carlito meets him up there, and a precarious top-rope slugfest ends with Shawn sending Carlito to the mat, then following up with a flying elbowdrop. Shawn tunes up the band, but Carlito ducks Sweet Chin Music and nails Shawn with a low blow. Carlito grabs Shawn again to throw him out, but as he runs Shawn toward the ropes, Rhyno gets back up and tosses Carlito over instead. Carlito hangs on and pulls himself up on the apron, only for Rhyno to nail him with a Gore through the ropes, sending him to the floor. Carlito Caribbean Cool has been eliminated.[/i] As Rhyno gets up, JBL spins him around and connects with a short clothesline, then follows with some mounted punches. JBL sets up for a powerbomb, but Rhyno backdrops his way out. Rhyno takes JBL down with a series of clotheslines, then a bodyslam. Rhyno sends JBL for an Irish whip and lowers his head, and JBL catches him with a DDT. As Rhyno gets to his feet, JBL looks to eliminate him with the Clothesline From Hell, but Rhyno backdrops JBL over the top. JBL manages to land on the apron, though, and as Rhyno turns around, JBL grabs him and drops down on the apron, pulling Rhyno to the floor. Rhyno has been eliminated.[/i] It's down to JBL and Shawn. Shawn goes over and tries to knock JBL off the apron, but JBL hits a shoulder to the midsection and then tries to pull Shawn over like he did Rhyno. Shawn fights free and drops JBL with a hard right, but JBL lands on the apron and rolls back into the ring. Shawn picks JBL up and a very slow and tired slugfest ensues, with JBL gaining the upper hand. JBL sends Shawn to the ropes, misses a back elbow and gets hit with a flying forearm. Both men are down, but Shawn soon kips up. Inverted atomic drop, clothesline, bodyslam. Shawn is rallying. Shawn goes up top for another flying elbowdrop, but JBL crotches him on the top turnbuckle. JBL climbs up and throws Shawn almost all the way across the ring with a super Last Call. Shawn is wiped out after that one, and JBL hauls him onto his shoulder and dumps him over the top, but Shawn hangs on. He once again skins the cat and tries to pull JBL out, but JBL overpowers Shawn, pulls him back onto his shoulder and drills him with a powerslam in the ring. JBL inflicts further punishment with a powerbomb, then stalks a half-conscious Shawn as he staggers to his feet. JBL charges him for the Clothesline From Hell, but Shawn ducks it, and as JBL turns around, Shawn clotheslines him over the top. It looks like it's over, but JBL somehow manages to hang on in an impressive feat of strength and pulls himself back onto the apron. JBL gets to his feet, and Shawn drills him with Sweet Chin Music to send him to the floor. John Bradshaw Layfield has been eliminated.[/i] Shawn Michaels will challenge for the WWL World Heavyweight Title at For Your Eyes Only in September. [Thunderball Battle Royal]: 30-Man Battle Royal: Shawn Michaels won a 30-man Royal Rumble: x Jarrett and Konnan started out. x Jarrett threw out Konnan after a backdrop in 0:01:43 x Shannon Moore entered at 0:02:00 x Jarrett threw out S. Moore after a kneelift in 0:03:32 x Rene Dupree entered at 0:04:00 x Jarrett threw out R. Dupree after the Stroke in 0:05:18 x Kane entered at 0:06:00 x Khosrow Daivari entered at 0:08:00 x Chris Sabin entered at 0:10:00 x Kane threw out Daivari in 0:11:58 x Matthew Bloom entered at 0:12:00 x Rico entered at 0:14:00 x Muhammad Hassan entered at 0:16:00 x Matt Hardy entered at 0:18:00 x Kane threw out Bloom in 0:19:48 x John Bradshaw Layfield entered at 0:20:00 x Kane threw out Jarrett in 0:20:08 x M. Hassan threw out Kane in 0:21:29 x Scotty 2-Hotty entered at 0:22:00 x M. Hardy threw out Rico after a backdrop in 0:22:57 x Gene Snitsky entered at 0:24:00 x Snitsky threw out M. Hardy in 0:24:26 x Snitsky threw out 2-Hotty in 0:24:35 x Snitsky threw out C. Sabin after a Gorilla Press in 0:25:00 x Snitsky threw out M. Hassan after a big boot in 0:25:36 x Sylvain Grenier entered at 0:26:00 x Snitsky threw out S. Grenier after the Pump-Handle Slam in 0:26:40 x Funaki entered at 0:28:00 x Snitsky threw out Funaki in 0:28:58 x Diamond Dallas Page entered at 0:30:00 x Disco Inferno entered at 0:32:00 x Page threw out Inferno after a backdrop in 0:32:13 x Lenny Lane entered at 0:34:00 x Dean Malenko entered at 0:36:00 x Shawn Michaels entered at 0:38:00 x S. Michaels threw out Lane after the Sweet Chin Music in 0:38:15 x Goldust entered at 0:40:00 x Kid Kash entered at 0:42:00 x Chris Masters entered at 0:44:00 x Page threw out Snitsky in 0:45:33 x Rhyno entered at 0:46:00 x Layfield threw out Page after the Clothesline From Hell in 0:46:49 x Val Venis entered at 0:48:00 x Rhyno threw out D. Malenko in 0:49:18 x Andrew Martin entered at 0:50:00 x S. Michaels threw out C. Masters after a clothesline in 0:50:47 x Layfield threw out Goldust in 0:50:54 x Steven Richards entered at 0:52:00 x The Sandman entered at 0:54:00 x Sandman threw out Kash after a clothesline in 0:55:57 x Carlito Caribbean Cool entered at 0:56:00 x S. Michaels threw out Martin in 0:56:59 x S. Richards threw out Venis in 0:57:40 x Carlito threw out S. Richards after a dropkick in 0:57:49 x Layfield threw out Sandman in 0:58:32 x Rhyno threw out Carlito after the Gore in 1:01:01 x Layfield threw out Rhyno in 1:02:13 x S. Michaels threw out Layfield in 1:05:16 Rating: *** 1/2
Shawn Michaels celebrates a hard-fought victory, making sure to give the universal signal for "I want the belt" a time or two to specify what his victory means. One month ago, Shawn got a title shot against Chris Jericho, but Jericho walked out of the match in the early going. Will Shawn succeed in two months at For Your Eyes Only? And what impact will his victory have in the coming weeks? Tune in tomorrow for Monday Night Action to find out! Same Bat time, same Bat channel!
Card rating: *** 3/4
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Post by snabbit888 on Sept 26, 2012 20:40:38 GMT -5
Shocked, but pleasantly surprised to see Stevie beat Matt Hardy. And look so damn good doing it.
All of the segments will people drawing their numbers were great. Good character stuff.
Once you announced the winner of the Cruiserweight Title match got to enter Thunderball, I knew Kash would win but not the strap. Not sure why because it's not like either of the two had any realistic chance of winning Thunderball, but still.
LotD held out far better than I would have ever imagined. Still, if there was a slam dunk match on this card as far as result, this was it. Not a bad thing - Miller & La Parka were fun as champs, but it's time for the Dudleyz.
I didn't expect the Evening Gown match to get any better than -*****************************************, but they surprised me. They had their working shoes on tonight and pulled it up to -*************************************.
World Title match was another where the result was pretty much known (as most Royal Rumble title matches seem to be) but the match was better than I expected. Almost 5 stars is nothing to scoff at, and sets up Rey to possibly get a run with the title in the future.
Thunderball was a great match, and predicting correctly also made me happy. You're right - that was long, but damn good. HBK vs. Jericho will be the bee's knees, it will!
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Sept 27, 2012 8:38:12 GMT -5
The unexpected need to replace Jamie Noble in the Thunderball Battle Royal was one of the main reasons I decided to have Kid Kash win the match but not the Cruiserweight Title. In retrospect, though, I like that finish better than Ultimo Dragon winning because it provides a good story for the next stage of that feud. That it keeps Kash undefeated is a bonus.
I wish I could have made it slightly less obvious that Chris Jericho was going to win, but the match being on the equivalent of the Royal Rumble card and the fact that my first choice of challenger was out of the picture made that largely impossible. Plus, in the summer of 2005, Rey Mysterio really isn't looked at as a serious world title contender -- in the real world, he didn't get that push until early 2006, and even that was bolstered by heavy fan sympathy following Eddie Guerrero's death. There's no Eddie in the WWL, so I'm going to have to find another way to push Mysterio to that level if I decide I want him as a top contender (and if my once-every-few-months update schedule ever allows me to get that far). At least Dave Meltzer liked the match, eh?
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Post by JoshiQ on Sept 27, 2012 9:30:00 GMT -5
Hellacious match between Richards and Hardy. Don't know where this angle goes from here as you beat the holy hell out of them.
Carlito's cool gimmick is great. Wish WWE would have done more with him.
I like Kash going over via countout. Keeps the feud going, puts Kash into Thunderball, covers all of the bases.
Any segment with Andrew Martin, Kane, and Carl Ouellet is a winner.
Thought the Dudleys would take the tag titles. I prefer them to the Lords of the Dance. They just feel more like serious champions.
Yep. Not much to say about the bra and panties match. Sounded good in theory, I'll give it that.
Glad Jericho retained, and Mysterio definitely comes out of the match looking like a star.
Great Thunderball. And I thought I liked to write a ton for a battle royal/royal rumble. Wowza. Still, amazing match, loved all of the storylines going on, and one of the best long matches I've read in a long time.
Michaels going over was the right decision as he has been built up as the strongest, and is the most credible challenger to Jericho.
Killer show, Garth.
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Post by vertigo on Sept 27, 2012 11:43:53 GMT -5
Very good card! It was a long read but I enjoyed it. Backstage highlights for me were Martin flatout saying "I can't" when told to be non-suggestive and Snitsky simply saying "Ball".
I don't think anything you do with Kid Kash could make me like the guy. So glad Ultimo retains against him. I take that back... if you started calling him David Tyler Morton Jericho then MAYBE I'd give him another shot.
Jericho and Rey delivered as was expected. Even if Rey isn't ready for a run at the top he at least showed that can hang with one of the best right now. Looking forward to the Michaels/Jericho buildup.
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Post by JoshiQ on Oct 19, 2012 8:18:36 GMT -5
Can't wait for the follow-up show. *hint hint*
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Post by djmasterscooter on Oct 19, 2012 22:57:11 GMT -5
Wow. What an unbelievable event. Top to bottom, it might be the best WWL show to date.
Where to begin? At the beginning of course.
Stevens/Hardy was a brawlfest. Everything was legal, and Richards showed us that he had the fortitude to be more than just a lackey. Has Steven Richards given into evil, or worse yet, Stevil.
Garth, you have a true calling for writing in-between segment. I'd hire you to write mine, but I'd have to pay you in bits of string,
I thought Kash might be happier after winning a spot in the Thunderball, but I guess there is just no pleasing some people.
Poor Lamont, just doing his job and he gets put through a table for his trouble. The Dudleys walk out with the belts tonight, but is this the "last dance" for the Lords
Do you think that there are enough stars for the Evening Gown Match? I'm not sure.
I hope you're building to a HBK/DDP program, one of the few dream matches that we'll never seen.
Kind of expected Jericho to retain; Mysterio & HBK could have been good but Jericho/HBK usually never disappoints.
I kind of figured one of the wrestlers in the in-between scenes was going to win it. I had thought Page and Stevie were outside shots.
The closing segment was interesting, and it made me want to know more. It kind of reminded me of Paranormal Activity.
Either way, an awesome show, and I can't wait to see what happens next. All hail Garth! ;D
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Post by JoshiQ on Dec 17, 2012 0:45:10 GMT -5
Still alive there, Garth?
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Jul 28, 2014 18:47:25 GMT -5
Oh yes. That's right. This is happening.
WWL MONDAY NIGHT ACTION: AUG. 1, 2005
A still-photo recap of Thunderball and the usual opening video package set to "Action" by Powerman 5000 welcome you, the intrepid viewer, to Monday Night Action. G: Good evening, WWL fans, and welcome to Monday Night Action! I'm Garth, alongside the Honky Tonk Man! We are just 24 hours removed from Thunderball, where Shawn Michaels scored a hard-fought victory over 29 other men in the main event to earn a shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title! HTM: That he did, but that's not for another two months at For Your Eyes Only on pay-per-view! Here tonight, I think we can expect to see some fallout among the men who were unable to win that match! G: We most certainly can -- in fact, we've received word that later on tonight, Diamond Dallas Page, a man who had made it his personal mission to win at Thunderball and go on to challenge Chris Jericho for the World Heavyweight Title, will go one-on-one with the man who cost him that opportunity: the monster, Gene Snitsky! And speaking of Chris Jericho, maybe we'll find out just what the relationship is between the World Heavyweight Champion and Snitsky, who seemed to be deliberately targeting Diamond Dallas Page in that match! HTM: Come on, now -- it was every man for himself out there, and Gene Snitsky doesn't owe anyone an explanation! But I'm sure we'll hear from Chris Jericho tonight as well, as the champion always has something to say. G: And we should note that Jericho is still the champion after defeating Rey Mysterio at Thunderball. We'll be hearing from Rey Mysterio later on when he is Jake "The Snake" Roberts' guest on the Snake Pit.
Opening Talky Segment
Dun dun dun dun OHH OHH SHAWN. There's a big pop as Shawn Michaels prances his way to the ring and grabs a mic. SM: As long as I've been in this business, you'd think that at some point, I'd get used to that on-top-of-the-world feeling after a major victory. But I gotta tell ya, even though I just hit the big 4-0 a couple of weeks ago, that feeling still overwhelms me every single time. Last night at Thunderball, I outlasted the best the WWL has to offer to come out the winner. And yeah, there were a few times when even I didn't know if I was going to make it -- when all it might have taken was another nudge to send me home disappointed. But in the end, that's not the way it all turned out. In the end, it was H-B-K still standing after 29 others had come and gone. In the end, it was H-B-K who got his hand raised while a whole lot of other guys, most of them perfectly deserving, had to walk back to the locker room in defeat. In the end, it was H-B-K who ended up on the path to the main event of For Your Eyes Only -- and the WWL World Heavyweight Title. And even though I've been to the top of the mountain before, I'm already feeling the thrill of the climb coming on. Still, this is a two-month climb we're talking about, and I can't exactly hurry to the top, so I gotta be honest -- it's making me kind of antsy. I'm not going to pull old that old cliche of "Let's just have the match right here and now," because I know what the odds of that actually happening are, but hey -- I know what's coming at For Your Eyes Only, Chris Jericho knows what's coming at For Your Eyes Only, let's see if he's got the guts to come out here and compare visions. Shawn looks expectantly up the entranceway. After a few seconds, the silence is broken not by "Break the Walls Down," but by "Longhorn." The crowd boos as John Bradshaw Layfield makes his way to the ring, an "all business" look on his face. SM: Chris! I hate to poke fun, but you've gotten fatter since the last time I saw you. JBL: That's hilarious, Shawn. I'd just love to lean back and have a big ol' laugh about it. But I'm not much in the mood for humor right now. And do you know why? SM: I bet I can-- JBL: Because I'm in the mood for something else. I'm in the mood for justice. Because what happened last night at Thunderball was a monumental injustice -- the kind that divides nations and sparks revolutions. Last night at Thunderball, I was completely and utterly robbed of what I was due: my long-awaited shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title. That match was Wrestling Royalty's to win, and after Jeff Jarrett was cruelly saddled with the No. 1 spot and fell victim to a monster who didn't even deserve to be in the match, there was only one hope left. The entire capacity crowd knew who the winner of that match should have been, and they made their choice known as they chanted my name. J-B-L ... J-B-L ... As usual, the crowd isn't actually chanting that. JBL: But it was not to be. And why? Because I was beaten by a worthy opponent who proved he was the better man? No! Because of sheer luck! It was only the luck of the draw that brought you victory last night, Shawn, and everybody knows it. I entered that match even before the halfway mark. I survived being Choke Slammed onto the concrete floor and persevered to last a record-setting 45 minutes. I went to hell and back last night, and by my actions, I proved that I am the man who deserves to be in the main event of For Your Eyes Only, challenging for the WWL World Heavyweight Title. And yet, all you had to do was show up late to the party, dispose of a few meaningless competitors and get one lucky shot in on me, and now that title shot I richly deserve is yours. So what do you have to say to that, Shawn? What do you have to say for yourself, knowing that last night, you may have walked out the winner, but I was the better man? SM: All right, JBL, I can't argue with you that you drew an earlier number than I did. And I can't deny that you took a hell of a shot when you got Choke Slammed on the concrete. But the better man? That's what you're calling yourself? Just because you had to be out there a little longer than I did? I don't know how you could have missed it, but since you apparently did, let me remind you that I was fighting for my life out there too, just like you were. I wasn't just lounging in a beach chair waiting for everyone else to eliminate themselves. I spent a good amount of time in there too, I fought for that victory, and even though I know you're only doing it to make yourself feel better about losing, I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and listen to you call yourself the better man. So why don't you choose your next words very carefully, before I have to kick them back down your throat. JBL: Oh, I'll choose my words very carefully, Shawn. I chose them very carefully as soon as I realized how badly I was robbed last night. You cling to your victory like it's the only thing that matters, but you and I both know that a victory is meaningless if you don't prove yourself to be the best. You won the match last night, but you proved nothing. And unless you can prove to me otherwise, I will continue to say the same thing: I am the better man. Before Shawn can react, JBL slaps him hard across the face. Shawn just nods, then takes JBL down at the legs and lays into him with punches. No sooner has Shawn done this, though, than Jeff Jarrett appears in the ring -- apparently out of the crowd -- and gives Shawn a stomp to the back. He throws Shawn off JBL, and JBL and Jarrett get up, ready to double-team Shawn. Before they get the chance, Paul Heyman appears in the video monitor. PH: That's enough! Shawn and Wrestling Royalty retreat to a respectable distance, alternating their looks between each other and the video monitor. PH: If you gentlemen want to settle this issue, I'll be happy to accommodate. But you will do it in that ring in an officially sanctioned WWL match. And since the Thunderball Battle Royal is such a key topic of discussion for you, why don't we make it part of the match? Tonight, it will be Wrestling Royalty against the man who eliminated JBL, Shawn Michaels -- and the man who eliminated Jeff Jarrett, Kane. Shawn nods his approval while Wrestling Royalty protest, obviously not thrilled at the prospect of a fair fight. PH: Now, why don't you stop this fighting before I have to start handing out suspensions? Wrestling Royalty, grumbling among themselves, head back to the locker room, Shawn staring daggers at them from the ring.
WWL Tag Team Titles: The Dudley Boyz (c) vs. Jerichoholics Anonymous This is the Dudley Boyz' first title defense after winning the WWL Tag Team Titles from the Lords of the Dance last night at Thunderball. The Honky Tonk Man makes note of the fact that if Jerichoholics Anonymous were to win, Chris Jericho and his minions would possess 60 percent of the gold in the WWL. Of course, Jerichoholics Anonymous have yet to win a single match as a team or as individual competitors, but Garth gamely does not point that out in the interest of preserving the product. He's a genius, that Garth. Handsome, too. The Dudleyz dominate at first, as you might expect, and it almost looks like they'll have it wrapped up in just a minute or so, but they're waylaid when Lenny Lane chop-blocks D-Von Dudley following a blind tag. The Jerichoholics do a surprisingly competent job of working the injured knee, making this one a little more competitive than one might expect, but soon enough D-Von is able to tag out to Bubba Ray Dudley and he comes in and cleans house. Disco Inferno gets chucked over the top to the floor by D-Von once he's recovered, and Lenny walks into the 3-D to end it.
The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) defeated Jerichoholics Anonymous (Disco Inferno and Lenny Lane) when Bubba pinned Lane with the Dudley Death Drop in 0:05:00. Rating: *** 1/4 (The Dudley Boyz retained the WWL World Tag Team Titles.)
Sean Edmunds is standing by backstage. SE: I'm here with Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari, who have, in recent weeks, made Kane their target. Mr. Hassan, you have explained the reasons for your dislike of Kane. But after abandoning him in a match last week on Monday Night Action and hitting him with a chair last night at Thunderball, can you tell us what you hope to accomplish with your continued attacks on the Big Red Machine? MH: Accomplish? How funny that other competitors can brutalize their opponents week in and week out with no explanation, yet when Daivari and I display our contempt for a particular opponent, we must be trying to accomplish something, to send some sort of message. Why ask us what we're trying to "accomplish?" What is it that makes us different from the other wrestlers you interview? I bet I can guess. SE: I just meant that-- MH: I know what you meant! Don't insult my intelligence with your back-pedaling. You believe there must be an underlying cause for every decision we make in the WWL, because the people on the evening news who look like us are always trying to rationalize their actions by referring to larger causes. Heaven forbid you should ever hear about an intelligent, rational person of Arab descent, oh no -- the only ones you know are the terrorists, because they're the only ones the American media bothers to talk about. KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: Well, let me be the first to show you not all people of Arab descent fit into your stereotypes. Daivari and I, we're not after Kane to make some sort of political statement. We have no patience for politics, especially not the divisive kind beloved by so many of our fellow Americans. Yes, I have said in the past that we dislike what Kane represents, and that we resent the way a lunatic like Kane is cheered over us simply because we are Arab-Americans, and I stand by those statements. But if you think Daivari and I are going to stand in front of a banner and talk about how the attack on Kane represents and attack on all those who support him, you are sorely, sorely mistaken. SE: All I said was-- KD: (interrupts him by shouting sometihng incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: Our plan is simple. We will crush Kane because he has made an enemy of us. That he represents the sort of American stereotype we despise will just be a bonus to us after we defeat him. Once Kane is beaten and we are victorious, we will continue our journey to the top of the WWL, from which we will be able to show everyone that Arab-Americans are capable of the same kinds of triumphs as our fair-skinned countrymen. And we will not let small-minded stereotypes like those you believe in stand in our way. SE: I just-- KD: (interrupts him by shouting something incomprehensible in Farsi) Their piece said, Hassan and Daivari walk away, leaving a flustered Edmunds in their wake.
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Konnan During one of the two men's entrances -- I'm too lazy to care whose -- we see a brief clip of Carlito and Konnan interacting at Thunderball, with Konnan drawing a terrible number (later revealed to be No. 2) and Carlito drawing a great one (later revealed to be No. 30). Carlito is content to annoy Konnan in the early going with frequent rope breaks and restholds, but Konnan eventually manages to break through Carlito's dilly-dallying to mount some sustained offense. Carlito ends Konnan's momentum by countering a sitdown faceslam into a spinebuster, then takes over on offense himself. Konnan survives through some more restholds and rolls out of the way of a springboard somersault senton, beginning a rally once he gets back to his feet. Konnan manages a couple of near-falls and almost gets Carlito in the Tequila Sunrise, though Carlito grabs the ropes before he can get the hold locked in. Konnan stops an Irish whip attempt with a kick to the midsection and lifts Carlito up for a Splash Mountain, but Carlito gets free, turns around, runs Konnan into the ropes and grabs a rolling reverse cradle. Carlito pulls the tights to keep Konnan down for three. Carlito Caribbean Cool pinned Konnan after a rolling reverse cradle in 0:04:23. Rating: ** 3/4
Backstage, Chris Jericho stands by disinterestedly as Jerichoholics Anonymous lick their wounds from their match earlier. DI: Sorry we couldn't get the job done out there, boss. LL: We'll do better the next time. CJ: What the hell are you two talking about? Did you do something interesting earlier tonight? LL: Well, we-- CJ: Rhetorical question. The answer is "no." What's truly important is the WWL World Heavyweight Title. Last night, I soundly defeated Jay McCereal to gloriously retain my championship once again. And the icing on my sweet, sweet victory cake is that Diamond Dennis failed to win the Thunderball Battle Royal, which means I no longer need to concern myself with his pathetic championship aspirations. All I have to do now is kick back and wait for Shane Matthews to step up in two months so that I may shove him right back down the ladder. I tell you, things are working out exactly as they should for the greatest WWL World Heavyweight Champion of all time. Jericho suddenly takes an interest in his surroundings as Gene Snitsky walks into the room, just staring at Jericho in that creepy way he stares at everybody. Jericho is startled at first, but then gives Snitsky a friendly pat on the shoulder. CJ: And here's the man of the hour himself! I tell you, Mr. Snitsky, the performance you put on last night was nothing short of a masterpiece. Even though you actually drew an earlier number than Diamond Dennis, you still took him out of the Thunderball Battle Royal, just as we agreed. The look on his face when he realized he'd just lost his only chance at another title shot was absolutely priceless, and it's all thanks to your steadfast commitment to your work. Now, you've accomplished what I asked you to accomplish, and your obligation to me is finished, but I most certainly would not object to you absolutely destroying Diamond Dennis when you face him later tonight. It's your match, though. Deal with it however you like. Snitsky continues staring at Jericho, who starts to look kind of unnerved for a second until Snitsky finally speaks up. GS: Don't forget. You ... owe me ... a favor. CJ: Yes, that was our agreement. What can I get you? An apple? A banana? A kumquat? GS: I ... haven't decided ... yet. But I'll ... let you ... know. Soon. Snitsky stomps away. Jericho just shrugs. LL: Boss, are you sure you want to owe that guy a favor? CJ: Of course I'm sure! Last time, he accepted an apple as payment! I can get him a whole bushel if he wants it! What a silly question. LL: Sorry, boss.
We're about to head to the ring for our next match, a six-man tag pitting Rhyno, the Sandman and newcomer Val Venis against the Law Firm and Chris Masters. But a cut to backstage shows Masters lying facedown on the ground, clearly the victim of a sneak attack. Standing over him is an expressionless Steven Richards. After a few seconds, Richards walks away purposefully. What's he up to now?
Rhyno, The Sandman & Val Venis vs. Steven Richards & the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom Looks like Steven Richards has taken it upon himself to replace Chris Masters in this match. Perhaps, the commentators suggest, he has decided to target Rhyno; he did go straight for Rhyno in the Thunderball Battle Royal, but he later appeared to save Rhyno from elimination, so that's still murky, and even if he is targeting Rhyno, why? Wow, I think I might have just set a record for most commas in a single sentence. The Rhyno theory is borne out in the early going of the match -- the active competitors in the ring come and go, but Richards always has his eye on Rhyno, even if he's in there with the Sandman or Val Venis. Interestingly, though, he doesn't actually tangle with Rhyno all that much; if the two of them happen to be legal in the match, he'll go through a quick exchange with Rhyno and then tag out when he gets the chance. There's some time early on for the faces to dominate, especially Venis, who's making his free-TV debut tonight. But thanks to a well-timed sneak attack by Richards, the heels eventually isolate Rhyno, and now, Richards isn't so loath to be in the ring with him. He tags in and out with the Law Firm to beat on the downed Rhyno. The heels can't keep the Man Beast down, but he can't make it to his corner and tag out, either. Rhyno gets a brief rally against Andrew Martin, but goes to the well once too often and careens into a boot to the face. Martin is ready to finish Rhyno and he goes to tag Matthew Bloom, but Richards intercepts the tag so he can go back to work on Rhyno. And go back to work he does, but when he's momentarily distracted by the Law Firm asking for a tag after he gets close to his corner, Rhyno is able to hit a spinebuster to put both men down. Richards tags Martin while Rhyno makes the hot tag to Venis. Venis fires off on Martin, as well as Bloom when he decides to get involved, but Richards doesn't get in there. Instead, he drops to the floor and sneaks around the side of the ring. Sandman gets in there to counteract Bloom, and Richards takes the opportunity to pull a still-recovering Rhyno off the apron, slam him face-first into the ring post and start hammering him out on the floor. The ref takes note of that and warns Richards while Bloom goes out and grabs the Sandman's Singapore cane. Sandman catches him before he can use it, and -- with the ref still distracted -- he nails Bloom with a cane shot that sends him out of the ring, then wallops Martin as well. Venis goes up top and hits the Money Shot on Martin to pick up the victory as the ref turns around. Rhyno, The Sandman and Val Venis defeated The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom (Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom) and Steven Richards when Venis pinned Martin with the Money Shot in 0:09:10. Rating: * 3/4 Sandman goes out to pull Richards off Rhyno, but Richards bails before Sandman gets near him and walks away, carrying that same expressionless look about him.
Steven Richards is walking back through the curtain when Christopher Nowinski approaches him. CN: Steven, if I could just have a word. There have been a multitude of questions raised lately regarding your plans and motivations, and I would be remiss if I did not ask, after your actions toward Matt Hardy and Rhyno, just what is your endgame? Richards pauses for a second, apparently trying to decide whether to answer. SR: Sometimes, a man finds himself without easy solutions to his problems. Sometimes, a man must go to great lengths to achieve the success he desires. And sometimes, such extreme measures can help a man achieve the goals he seeks. When that happens, the man is faced with a choice. Does he swear off those forbidden abilities, having attained his goals? Or does he use his newfound strength to seek ever greater achievements? I've made decisions that have gotten me to where I am now, and I've known for some time that I'd face a big decision when I got here. And that decision... Richards just grins and walks away. Nowinski shakes his head, confused.
Wrestling Royalty vs. Shawn Michaels & Kane Give Wrestling Royalty credit -- they may tend to attack like cowards, but they don't often back down. We see that almost right off the bat here; after a couple of exchanges between Shawn Michaels and both members of Wrestling Royalty, Kane is tagged in, and rather than back away from him, John Bradshaw Layfield walks right up and slaps the Big Red Machine like he slapped Michaels earlier. This isn't the smartest move he could have made, as Kane takes the opportunity to beat JBL from pillar to post, but there's no denying Wrestling Royalty won't let Kane intimidate them. A couple minutes into the match, Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari show up and watch the match from the entranceway. They don't come anywhere near the ring, but they do distract Kane, which lets Wrestling Royalty get one up on him for a short while. A combination of JBL's power and Jeff Jarrett's technical acumen keeps Kane at bay for a surprising amount of time, and it doesn't hurt (well, it hurts Kane, I guess, but you know what I mean) that Wrestling Royalty enjoy bending the rules, particularly on an occasion where JBL low-bridges Kane as he comes off the ropes and then DDTs him on the outside while Jarrett occupies the ref. Though Kane won't stay down for three, Wrestling Royalty keep on him; Jarrett is even able to lock in the figure-four, and although Kane gets to the ropes, Jarrett tags JBL before Kane can get to his corner. JBL puts Kane down with the Last Call and tries to slap on a figure-four of his own, but Kane kicks him away. JBL then loads up a Clothesline From Hell, but runs right into a big boot to put both men down, and Kane makes the hot tag to Shawn. Shawn comes in full of fire and JESUS POWER~ and fights off both his opponents. A flying forearm puts Jarrett down, and Shawn kips up, only to get hit in the back by JBL. Kane comes in to even the odds and sends JBL out of the ring. Shawn elbows his way out of a Stroke attempt from Jarrett, connects with a bodyslam, goes up top and nails the flying elbowdrop. Outside the ring, Kane goozles JBL, looking for two Choke Slams on the concrete two nights in a row, but JBL kicks the knee to escape and sends Kane into the ring steps. Shawn tunes up the band as Jarrett staggers to his feet, but JBL is in with a low blow to Shawn right in front of the ref, drawing the DQ. Shawn Michaels and Kane defeated Wrestling Royalty (Jeff Jarrett and John Bradshaw Layfield) when S. Michaels defeated Jarrett by disqualification in 0:10:23. Rating: *** 1/4 This time, Wrestling Royalty get their chance to double-team Shawn, and they make the most of that opportunity, stomping him while he's down. Kane gets back to his feet on the outside, but he's momentarily distracted by Hassan and Daivari -- who act like they're going to come down to ringside, but then think better of it -- and that gives JBL time to deliver a Jarrett-assisted powerbomb on Shawn. Kane enters the ring to clear out Wrestling Royalty, but the damage is done. JBL yells to Shawn -- who is almost certainly too dazed to hear him -- "I am the better man, and don't you forget it!"
The Snake Pit
Coming back from commercial, everything is set up in the ring for the Snake Pit. Jake "The Snake" Roberts has mic in hand. JR: My guest tonight is the man who, just 24 hours ago at Thunderball, came within a hair of becoming the new WWL World Heavyweight Champion. Please welcome Rey Mysterio. "619" cues up to a pop from the crowd. Rey Mysterio makes his way down to the ring, still enthusiastic like usual but with a little less spring in his step. JR: Welcome to the Snake Pit, Rey. I think the question on everyone's minds is: After last night, where do you go from here? RM: Jake, I'm not going to lie to you. Coming up short against Chris Jericho last night at Thunderball, that hurt. I'm sure I wasn't favored to win, but I've been beating odds all my life. What I haven't been doing my whole life is disappointing people. And after last night, I know there are a lot of people disappointed that I didn't win the WWL World Heavyweight Title. And No. 1 on that list is me. But I'm not going to let it get to me, Jake. I have better things to do than mourn my loss. I'm going to keep reaching until I can grab hold of that brass ring. JR: I'm glad to hear you're not giving up, Rey. But if you lost this time, you can't expect the result to be any different if nothing changes before the next time. So what's going to be different the next time you get a shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title? RM: I don't let any match, win or lose, go by me without learning from it, Jake. If Chris Jericho is still the champion the next time I get a shot, I'll be ready for everything he can throw at me, because he threw everything he had at me at Thunderball. And no matter who the champion is, I've now had a chance to see what it's like to challenge for the title on pay-per-view. It's an overwhelming experience, and now that I've gone through it, I'll be familiar with the feeling the next time -- and ready to use it to my advantage. There's only so much you can do to prepare for a big match, and experience was one part of the preparation I didn't have until now. When I get that chance again, you'll see just how well that experience has served me. JR: Time will tell if you'll be ready once you get another shot at the title, Rey. Right now, the question is: How are you going to make sure you get another opportunity? RM: You said it yourself, Jake: Just 24 hours ago, I took the WWL World Heavyweight Champion to the limit. That kind of performance doesn't go unnoticed here in the WWL. I'm not expecting to just be handed another chance, but I think I've proven I have what it takes, and as long as I can keep showing that, it's only a matter of time before another opportunity comes my way. When it does, you can bet I'll make the most of it. JR: Your confidence and fighting spirit are to be commended, Rey. I have no doubt you will eventually get another chance to-- PTOO! "I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool!" The crowd boos as Carlito Caribbean Cool slowly saunters down to the ring. Jake stands back as Mysterio glares at Carlito, who has a mic. CCC: Hola, Rey. Como esta? Mysterio doesn't respond. CCC: Carlito was in the back listening to your speech, and I have to admit, it was inspiring. After suffering an incredibly disappointing loss at Thunderball, Rey Mysterio is going to move forward so that he may succeed the next time he gets a title shot. Carlito is entertained. It's like something out of a movie. The only part Carlito didn't like is the ending. The way Carlito sees it, you had your chance, Rey. And you failed. So now, instead of hearing you talk about the next time, these people should be hearing about a new challenger for the WWL World Heavyweight Title. Someone who can get the job done. Someone who can help carry this business forward into the future. Someone ... cool. The crowd boos for that comment. CCC: The fact is, Rey, the instant Chris Jericho pinned your shoulders to the mat for a three-count at Thunderball, you became the past. And Carlito? Carlito is the future. And it's time for you to get out of the way so that Carlito can continue his ascent to the top of the mountain. RM: What color is the sky in your world, amigo? I can understand wanting a shot at glory, but do you honestly expect everyone to just step aside so you can get it? I don't think so. In this business, if you want a shot at the title, you've got to work for it. And if you want to surpass me, the only way for you to do it is to show some guts and face me one-on-one in the ring. The crowd cheers as Rey gets in Carlito's face. Carlito just grins and backs away. CCC: Easy, Rey. On any other night, I'd be more than happy to show you what a true contender looks like, right here in this ring. But we've got a problem. See, Carlito already had a match tonight. And it seems to me it wouldn't be fair for me to face an opponent whose only activity tonight has been making excuses. Boos. CCC: Still, though, there's one thing I just can't get over. You're talking about your next title shot like it should be you, and not Carlito, who gets that opportunity. But you've already had a bite at the apple ... to coin a phrase. And that? That's not cool. So maybe Carlito can make an exception for you tonight -- if your good friend Jake the Snake doesn't mind. Mysterio turns to Jake as though to seek his blessing. But as soon as his back is turned, Carlito pulls out an apple, takes a big bite out of it and taps Rey on the shoulder. When Rey turns back to Carlito, he gets a faceful of apple. Carlito quickly bails out of the ring before Mysterio can react. Mysterio just stands there seething as Carlito heads to the back. Jake approaches Rey from behind. JR: If proving yourself worthy of another title shot is your goal, Rey, I'd say the first step in that process is to show you're better than Carlito. You teach him a lesson, you'll send a message to everyone. He puts a hand on Mysterio's shoulder. JR: ... Trust me.
We come back from commercial to find Funaki making his entrance. Before we get to the match, though, we cut backstage to Maria the Mic Stand: MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Kid Kash. Kid, your thoughts on your match? KK: At Thunderball, I had the WWL Cruiserweight Title within my grasp. And why am I not champion today? Because I lost the match? No. I had that match won, and the only reason you don't see that gold around my waist is that Ultimo Dragon couldn't get back in the ring to defend his title. Now I know Ultimo Dragon isn't here tonight, but Dragon, if you're listening, and you have any guts and pride as a fighting champion, you'll give me another shot at that title. I don't want to hear any excuses about how badly I knocked you around at Thunderball -- you give me my rematch, or every single one of the WWL fans will know you're a gutless coward. Kash storms off, looking pissed. Funaki vs. Kid Kash Kash is coming into this one angry with a capital "A." He wastes no time before unloading on Funaki, jumping him before the bell and wailing on him until he's warned by the referee. Then, when he gets the chance, it's right back to the offensive onslaught. Funaki gets in a few shots, but he never really has a chance to get out of the blocks as Kash shuts him down every time. Kash is very clearly trying to send a message here -- as well as vent his frustration at winning by countout and not capturing the Cruiserweight Title last night -- and it seems to be getting through loud and clear. Funaki is wiped out after a springboard dropkick, but Kash isn't done -- he hauls him up and delivers a tiger driver, then hauls him up again to deliver the Dead Level and finish it. Kid Kash pinned Funaki with the Dead Level in 0:02:47. Rating: ** As Kash celebrates, the commentators tell us they've received word that, if Ultimo Dragon is healthy enough, he will face Kid Kash next week in a non-title match. If Kash wins, he will get another Cruiserweight Title shot at the Diamonds Are Forever pay-per-view.
Backstage in the dressing room, we find the Lords of the Dance, along with Lamont, preparing for their match. L: I know it, you know it, Park knows it! Last night was a travesty! EM: It was a match we were meant to lose! A tables match -- I don't see Paul Heyman arranging any dance-offs where the Lords of the Dance would have the advantage! L: But we're not going to let it get to us, are we, Cat? EM: No sir! The whole world knows the Cat will fight anybody -- and so will the chairman of the WWL, Mr. L.A. Park! L: Say it, Cat! EM: Now we're gonna go out there and take down those two French freakshows, and then the Lords of the Dance are gonna dance, dance, dance the night away -- all the way back to the WWL Tag Team Titles! L: That's the truth, Cat! EM: Somebody call my momma, 'cause the Lords of the Dance are gonna rise again! L: Tell 'em! Now thoroughly pumped up, the Lords of the Dance head out in the direction of the ring. The Lords of the Dance vs. La Resistance The Lords of the Dance are motivated in this one -- they lost the WWL Tag Team Titles just 24 hours ago, and they're looking to send a message to the Dudley Boyz that they plan to win the belts back. The result is a team that wastes less of its time dancing than it used to. Yes, even Ernest "The Cat" Miller. He doesn't stop dancing entirely, of course -- that would make the team's name a misnomer, and also bore me, both cardinal sins -- but he's cut back, and his offense is sharper than it was before. Of course, La Resistance aren't just about to roll over for the Lords; they just stood up to the Lords' berating last week on Action, and they've got something to prove as well. It's a short match, but it's fairly energetic, with La Res getting several rallies that make them look like more than capable opponents. Rene Dupree gets a somewhat hot tag (a lukewarm tag?) toward the end and fends off both Lords for a while, with L.A. Park and Sylvain Grenier eventually ending up in a scrap outside the ring. Dupree hefts the Cat onto his shoulder for the Dupree Driver, but with the referee's eyes on Park and Grenier, Lamont gets up on the apron, grabs the Cat's foot and pulls him free. The Cat rolls up Dupree as the ref turns around and gets the pin. The Lords of the Dance (Ernest Miller and L.A. Park) defeated La Resistance (Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier) when E. Miller pinned R. Dupree after an inside cradle in 0:05:28. Rating: ** 3/4
Gene Snitsky makes his way to the ring for the main event. Diamond Dallas Page is shown walking backstage when he's stopped by Sean Edmunds. SE: DDP, if I could just get a quick word before you head out to the ring-- DDP: All right, Sean, I'll make it real quick. I had the chance of a lifetime last night -- the chance to earn another shot at Chris Jericho and the WWL World Heavyweight Title. And it all came crashing down because Jericho's hired thug came after me even though he'd already been eliminated. Now, I'm not about to give up on getting another shot at that title and at the coward who holds it. But tonight? I'm going to show everyone just what happens to someone who gets on my bad side -- even if that person happens to be a 300-pound monster. Quick enough for you? DDP storms off. A lot of angry people stomping to the ring during the second hour of Action, aren't there? Gene Snitsky vs. Diamond Dallas Page Diamond Dallas Page is in foul spirits, but he's not stupid enough to just go at Gene Snitsky guns blazing, as that would be playing Snitsky's game and DDP knows better. Instead, he spends the opening minutes of the bout out-maneuvering his larger opponent, dodging and countering heavy blows and keeping the big man off his feet when possible. Snitsky blocks a charge in the corner with an elbow and finally gets some stiff shots in on DDP, but DDP ducks one of them and starts off his own barrage of blows, eventually clotheslining Snitsky over the top to the floor. Snitsky throws a fit on the floor as DDP beckons for him to get back in the ring. Snitsky gets back in there and DDP takes over again by out-maneuvering him, even getting a near-fall off a bulldog. An errant rebound off the ropes allows Snitsky to drill DDP with a knee to the gut, though, and he quickly follows up with a clubbing clothesline to the back of the head as DDP regains his footing. That allows Snitsky a period of dominance where he occasionally gets near-falls off moves like a sidewalk slam and a delayed vertical suplex. Snitsky also repeatedly hammers on DDP whenever it looks like DDP might break his dominance. Eventually, DDP ducks a clothesline and connects with a back suplex, allowing him a brief rally, but when he goes for a discus clothesline, Snitsky grabs him around the waist and applies a bearhug. Snitsky squeezes tight, using his size and strength to his advantage, and he resists DDP's attempts to drag things over to the ropes for a rope break. DDP gets a few elbowsmashes, then a headbutt, then a final elbow to break the hold. Snitsky charges and gets flapjacked to the mat. After a brief both-men-down period as DDP collects his head, DDP gets back up and goes to work on Snitsky, staying on the offensive and not letting Snitsky overpower him. A successful discus clothesline gets DDP two, as does a falling piledriver. Snitsky manages an eye rake to stop DDP's momentum, then hits the ropes and goes for a big boot, but DDP ducks. As Snitsky turns around, DDP grabs him looking for the Diamond Cutter, and Snitsky just grabs DDP and chucks him over the top rope to the floor. Snitsky follows DDP out and pounds him on the floor, slamming his head into the ring apron and the barricade. Snitsky goes for a whip into the stairs, but DDP is able to reverse and send Snitsky into the steps. DDP stomps away at Snitsky and slams his head into the announce table a few times, then looks for a piledriver on the floor, which Snitsky backdrops out of. Snitsky goes over and grabs a chair, but DDP kicks him in the gut before he can use it. DDP bashes Snitsky's head into the steps, then goes for a second one, but Snitsky hits an elbow to the midsection, slams DDP's head into the steps and tosses him into the barricade. Snitsky hammers DDP against the barricade, and the bell rings -- both men have been counted out. Gene Snitsky and Diamond Dallas Page battled to a double countout in 0:11:14. Rating: * 1/2 The two men continue brawling as officials run out to ringside to break up the fight. Shortly after the stream of officials ends, Chris Jericho cockily saunters his way out to survey the damage. Jericho gives Snitsky a pat on the back, which Snitsky barely notices as he tries to get at DDP. DDP spots Jericho and tries to lunge at him, but he has too many people holding him back, and Jericho taunts him from behind the protection of various officials. As officials drag DDP away from ringside -- DDP pointing and shouting threats at Jericho all the way -- Jericho just watches smugly. But he turns around with surprise as he hears the voice of Snitsky, who's gotten in the ring with a mic. GS: Jericho! You ... owe me ... a favor. And I've decided ... what I want ... from you. Jericho, who was initially startled, wipes his forehead with relief, having been worried this was something serious. GS: I want ... a title shot! The crowd pops loudly for that one as the self-assured look on Jericho's face gives way to utter horror. GS: And I want it ... next week ... on Action! Another big cheer, which is decidedly unusual for Snitsky. The cameras get a great shot of Jericho just staring wide-eyed ahead, his face ashen white with fear. After a quick cut to DDP, whose expression is a little harder to read -- on the one hand, he probably doesn't like the idea of Snitsky getting a title shot, but the thought of Jericho getting his just desserts has to appeal to him -- the cameras cut back to a frozen-with-shock Jericho. And that's the image we go out on as Monday Night Action goes off the air.
Card rating: ** 1/2
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Aug 5, 2014 20:59:28 GMT -5
WWL RUSH: AUG. 7, 2005
The theme from "Celebrity Deathmatch" and commentators Sean Edmunds and Christopher Nowinski welcome us to Rush. Tonight's main event will pit Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari against Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore. We'll also see Dean Malenko battle Chris Sabin, Matt Hardy take on Chris Masters and Goldust and Rico in action. Chris Masters vs. Matt Hardy Matt Hardy is just coming off a brutal no-holds-barred match with Steven Richards at Thunderball, which he lost. Our intrepid commentators note that perhaps he and Chris Masters have in common a dislike for Richards, who just this past week on Monday Night Action attacked Masters backstage in order to take his place in a six-man tag against a team that included new Richards target Rhyno. Of course, this match was taped before that actually happened, but SHUT UP STOP EXPOSING THE TAPING SCHEDULE. Masters knows he's facing a weakened opponent, given what Hardy has been through lately, and he takes advantage by overpowering Hardy in the early going. Hardy continues to fight back, though, showing an unwillingness to give up. Hardy eventually gets a sustained advantage, drawing on his anger over the loss to Richards, and although Masters mounts a short comeback late in the match, it's not enough. Hardy slips out of a running powerslam attempt, kicks Masters in the gut and gets the Twist of Fate for three. Matt Hardy pinned Chris Masters with the Twist Of Fate in 0:03:12. Rating: ** 1/2 Dean Malenko vs. Chris Sabin Alas, poor Dean Malenko -- he just can't shake the "boring" chants the crowd is giving him, and they persist throughout the segments of this match where he's in control. And the thing is, as a booker, I started assigning "boring" chants to Malenko as a gimmick, because I wasn't pushing him and I wanted to offer some reason why someone of his caliber wasn't winning more often. But it's really taken on a life of its own, because despite being a very, very good wrestler, Malenko just cannot get the TNM-determined crowds into his matches. It's not like I told TNM to start giving Malenko crappy match ratings! Ech. Anyway, this one goes like a lot of Malenko matches have gone lately. Chris Sabin has his periods in control where Malenko is just trying to survive, and eventually, Malenko takes over on offense, keeping Sabin grounded and stuck in painful holds and otherwise not doing anything even a little bit flashy. After a period of sustained Sabin dominance, Malenko stops him dead in his tracks with a beautiful tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, then immediately goes to work on the back, culminating in a bow-and-arrow submission. Sabin tries to escape by rolling to the side to put Malenko's shoulders on the mat, but rather than break the hold, Malenko just rolls it back. Eventually, Sabin manages to rock his way out of the hold. Malenko goes back to work on offense, but Sabin rallies, getting in a series of near-falls before putting Malenko down with a swinging side slam backbreaker. Sabin appears to have things all wrapped up and hefts Malenko onto his shoulders for the Cradle Shock, but Malenko slips out quick as a flash, kicks Sabin in the midsection and hits a double underhook powerbomb. Malenko goes for the Texas Cloverleaf, but Sabin is too close to the ropes and he grabs hold of them before Malenko gets the hold in. Malenko drags Sabin away from the ropes and starts trying to apply the hold again, but he takes a few seconds to tell the crowd to shut up with the chants already, and it costs him -- Sabin reaches up and counters into a small package to get the three-count. Chris Sabin pinned Dean Malenko after a small package in 0:09:12. Rating: ** 1/4 See that match rating? Bah. I refuse to believe nine minutes of Dean Malenko and Chris Sabin is worse than a three-minute squash of 2005-era Chris Masters.
Goldust & Rico vs. Caprice Coleman & Russell Simpson (unsigned) Oh, those poor jobbers just have no idea what they're in for. The match is short, and they spend most of it totally thrown off their game due to the usual antics of Goldust and Rico. Coleman and Simpson get in a few shots, but Goldust and Rico control the vast majority of the match and spend a little bit of time just toying with their opponents. As Simpson is being worked over by Goldust, Coleman enters the ring in an attempt to save his partner, but he quickly eats a Sudden Impact from Rico and is sent right back out to the floor. Shortly thereafter, Goldust puts Simpson down with the Curtain Call, and that's all she wrote. Goldust and Rico defeated Caprice Coleman and Russell Simpson when Goldust pinned Simpson with the Curtain Call in 0:03:46. Rating: ** Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore vs. Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari seem determined to make an example of their opponents, but it proves to be decidedly tougher than they expected. Hassan tends to dominate when he's in the ring, but Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore use their quickness to keep him from dealing any crippling blows, and Daivari finds himself evenly matched whenever he's in the ring. There's even a short period in the opening minutes of the contest when Scotty and Shannon are able to isolate Daivari, keeping him contained with quick offense, Moore's high-flying and some stiff kicks from Scotty. Then Hassan hits Moore in the back as he comes off the ropes, and the distraction allows Daivari to put Moore down with a running dropkick. Hassan and Daivari then have an extended period of working over Moore. Daivari gets some high-flying offense and Hassan lays in some brawling, but they rarely go for pin attempts, preferring to punish Moore instead, and whenever they do go for a pin, it's after some posing and intimidation, so he's always able to kick out. Eventually, Moore manages to roll out of the way of the Magic Carpet Ride and makes the hot tag to Scotty while Daivari tags Hassan. Scotty is able to keep Hassan off his feet with some quick and furious offense, even getting a fairly close near-fall off a jumping DDT. Scotty goes for a facebuster, but Hassan catches him with a clothesline as he comes off the ropes. Hassan chokes Scotty on the ground, drawing Moore in to bring a stop to it. After a few shots to Hassan, Moore comes off the ropes and gets low-bridged by Daivari, sending him spilling to the floor. Scotty gets back to his feet and turns around right into Hassan's modified STO. Hassan transitions into the Camel Clutch, and with Moore out of commission, Scotty has no choice but to give it up. Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari (Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari) defeated Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore when M. Hassan made 2-Hotty submit to the Camel Clutch in 0:08:13. Rating: *** 1/2 Hassan and Daivari stand triumphant in the ring, casting contemptuous glances at their defeated opponents. The commentators remind everyone to tune in to Monday Night Action tomorrow -- Kid Kash will face Ultimo Dragon in a non-title match, and Chris Jericho will defend the WWL World Heavyweight Title against Gene Snitsky. Don't miss it, or I'll tell New Jack he can crash at your house the next time he's in town.
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Aug 10, 2014 21:22:08 GMT -5
WWL MONDAY NIGHT ACTION: AUG. 8, 2005
Our opening video package and "Action" by Powerman 5000 bid the viewer a hearty "bonjour" to Monday Night Action. Commentators Garth and the Honky Tonk Man, whose opening monologues I am cutting because honestly who among you cares whether I can believably write dialogue for the in-universe avatar of myself, give us a brief rundown on what to expect tonight. We know Chris Jericho will be defending the WWL World Heavyweight Title against Gene Snitsky, much to Jericho's surprise. We'll also see a non-title match between Ultimo Dragon and Kid Kash, with Kash receiving another shot at the WWL Cruiserweight Title should he win. We've also got Carlito Caribbean Cool and the Lords of the Dance facing Rey Mysterio and the Dudley Boyz in six-man tag team action, Shawn Michaels going one-on-one with Jeff Jarrett and the Snake Pit featuring John Bradshaw Layfield as Jake "The Snake" Roberts' guest. Opening Segment: Jericho Sob Story Theatre
"Break the walls dowwwwwwwwwn!" The crowd engages booing thrusters as Chris Jericho makes his way down to the ring, flanked by Jerichoholics Anonymous. Jericho's usually cocky demeanor is intact, but he seems pretty shaky, as though he's trying to put on a brave face. CJ: Monday Night Action last week should have been a glorious celebration of all things me. Another wildly successful title defense, and my next scheduled title defense not for another two months -- and that against Shane Matthews, one of the many chumps I beat on the way to becoming the first-ever WWL World Heavyweight Champion? The party practically organized itself. I should have just had to show up, and I would be showered with adulation for my overwhelming success in life. But no party was thrown for the single greatest world champion -- and, for that matter, the single greatest competitor -- in WWL history. Oh, no. Instead, my night was unceremoniously ruined when Gener Schnitzel, a man I thought I could trust with the simple task of obliterating Diamond Dennis for reasonable compensation, decided his compensation should be a shot at my Precious. And then my night became even more ruined-er when, mere moments after Monday Night Action went off the air, Paul Heyman told me my agreeing to grant Gener Schnitzel a favor made his demand for a title shot valid. Jericho turns to his Jerichoholics. CJ: This is a travesty! Look solemn! Disco Inferno and Lenny Lane quickly begin staring at the ground, shaking their heads as though deeply disappointed. CJ: So now I'm stuck putting my title on the line, a mere eight days after a hard-fought defense against Jay McCereal, against a 300-pound monster with a mean streak a mile long. A grave injustice if I have ever seen one. Now, even though any man with a brain in his head would know the value of treating his company's champion with dignity and respect, it's become abundantly clear to me that Paul Heyman is not willing to listen to me. But maybe if others work to convince him of the utter foolishness of his decision, he will reconsider. Disco and Lenny have already written some strongly-worded letters, but we need more. So who's with me? Let the WWL locker room speak as one unified voice against this terrible crime against humanity! Jericho stares expectantly down the entrance ramp for supportive co-workers, but no one appears. He's about to say something else, but is cut off by "Yo! It's me! It's D-D-P!" followed by a loud pop as Diamond Dallas Page makes his way to the ring. Jericho has a sour look on his face as DDP steps through the ropes with a mic. CJ: Or, you know, I could just hear from someone who's going to side against me on everything. What the hell do you want, Diamond Dennis? I was really hoping I was done with you. DDP: To tell you the truth, Chris, after Gene Snitsky challenged you last week, I had some of the same questions you did. Shawn Michaels getting a title shot before me, that made sense -- he did win the Thunderball Battle Royal. But when I found out that a man I eliminated, who then helped cost me the match after he was already out, was getting in line ahead of me, I have to admit I was a little steamed. So I asked Paul Heyman why. And do you know what he told me? CJ: That you've already had, what, 100 chances to beat me, and on every occasion failed to defeat the Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah? DDP: Good one, Chris. You've got a bright future as a comedian. No, what Paul Heyman told me is that Snitsky is entitled to his title shot because the promise you made him, as champion, is binding. Even if you didn't know when you made that promise that a title shot was what he wanted. Now, none of that legal mumbo-jumbo really matters to me. But what does matter to me is that me getting another shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title is as simple as you agreeing to give me one. CJ: That's some brilliant deduction there, Sherlock Assclown. But if you're just going to ask me for a title shot, your plan just isn't quite as brilliant. Why should I, the greatest sensation the wrestling world has ever known, bestow upon you, a lowly loser who has failed time and time again to get the job done, another shot at my Precious? I've got better and more amazing things to do with my time than listen to you beg. Jericho goes to walk by DDP on his way out of the ring, but DDP grabs him to stop him. Jerichoholics Anonymous quickly put themselves between Jericho and DDP. DDP: Well then it's a good thing I don't plan to beg. I'm here to make you a deal, Chris. CJ: What could you possibly have that I might value one one-billionth as much as my shiny gold belt? DDP: How about this: The WWL's August pay-per-view, in three weeks, is called Diamonds Are Forever. So let's make it one to remember. Chris Jericho, Diamond Dallas Page, the WWL World Heavyweight Title -- one last time. If I win, I'm the champion; that much is obvious. But if you win, I'll never challenge you for the title again. No matter what I do, no matter who I beat, no more title shots for ol' D-D-P as long as you're the champion. And let's face it, Chris: You know as well as I do that if you don't give me this title shot, I'll just keep coming, and coming, and coming until I take that shiny belt of yours away from you. So that's what I have to offer -- you give me this, and if you can beat me like you say you can, you'll never have to worry about me coming for that title again. Jericho thinks it over. CJ: All I have to do is beat you, like I always do, and that's it? No more "one more chance," no more "I've got the hunger," no more "feel the bang?" I can move on to opponents who are worthy of my time, if any such opponents even truly exist? DDP: If that's how you want to look at it. CJ: To get rid of you, I'll gladly waste my time just once more. You're on, jerky! The crowd pops big time at that one. DDP: Well, I sure appreciate it, Chris. I won't take up any more of your time -- after all, you've got a monster to fight. Jericho's expression goes back to "shaky" as he remembers what he has to do later tonight. He quickly slips through the ropes, his Jerichoholics still standing between him and DDP. DDP: But remember this. In three weeks' time, I've got my last shot at you and the WWL World Heavyweight Title. And if you think I'm gonna give any less than 110 percent, you've got another thing comin'. At Diamonds Are Forever, Chris, you're gonna feel ... the ... Quick as a flash, DDP grabs Disco Inferno and drops him with the Diamond Cutter. Jericho, showing no regard at all for his henchman, drops off the apron to the floor and out of harm's way. Lenny Lane makes like he's going to go after DDP, but quickly thinks better of it and joins his boss on the outside. DDP: ... Bang! DDP gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter as Jericho and Lenny retreat to the back.
Jeff Jarrett vs. Shawn Michaels
Surprisingly enough, John Bradshaw Layfield isn’t at ringside for this one. Busy getting ready for his interview on the Snake Pit later, maybe? The commentators note the bad blood that has been brewing between Michaels and JBL, starting with Michaels’ winning the Thunderball Battle Royal by last eliminating JBL, continuing through JBL’s claim that he is the better man and culminating last week in two physical confrontations, the latter of which saw Michaels the victim of a double-team by Wrestling Royalty. Shawn has to be looking for some payback against JBL, but for tonight, he’s got JBL’s tag team partner, who is no pushover. The match starts out slow, each man working to feel out the other. Michaels establishes a couple of advantages early on, even scoring a couple of quick two-counts off pinning combinations. Jeff Jarrett then manages to dodge a charge into the corner, and after Michaels crashes into the turnbuckle, Jarrett kicks out his leg. Jarrett goes to work on the leg, delivering blows and one or two short-lived restholds. Eventually, Jarrett drags Shawn to the center of the ring and goes for the figure-four leglock, but Shawn kicks him away. Shawn staggers to his feet as Jarrett approaches and manages to get Jarrett with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a clothesline and a bodyslam. Shawn goes up top, looking for the flying elbowdrop, but JBL is at ringside out of nowhere and he shoves Shawn off the top rope, drawing the DQ.
Shawn Michaels defeated Jeff Jarrett by disqualification in 0:07:07. Rating: *** 3/4
The element of surprise on his side, JBL proceeds to lay a beatdown on Shawn, with Jarrett joining in as soon as he’s recovered. The two men put the boots to Michaels, then, seeing officials coming down to ringside to break it up, they quickly haul Shawn to his feet, and Jarrett holds him while JBL comes off the ropes and delivers the Clothesline From Hell. Wrestling Royalty calmly leave the ring as the officials arrive, Shawn flat on his back in the middle of the ring.
Predictability
The cameras spot Rey Mysterio walking through the backstage area. He turns a corner and stops in his tracks. The camera pans over to show Carlito Caribbean Cool leaning against a wall, casually tossing an apple up in the air and catching it. He looks over at Mysterio and grins. CCC: Rey! Que pasa, ese? Mysterio slowly approaches Carlito until they're face-to-face. RM: You know, Carlito, after the disrespect you showed me last week, you're lucky I don't slap that stupid grin off your face. CCC: Am I? He catches the apple and holds onto it. CCC: I mean, don't get me wrong, Rey -- I'm sure you'd like to get your revenge after I showed you for the pendejo you are last week on Monday Night Action. But you're not going to do it here. You're going to wait until we head to that ring later. That's just the kind of stand-up guy you are. RM: Sounds like you've got me all figured out. CCC: Well, you don't get to be as cool as Carlito without being an excellent judge of character. RM: But I bet you're wondering how far that knowledge will take you. You might be safe now. And with four other guys out there when we meet in the ring later tonight, you might find some cowardly way to stay safe then, too. But in three weeks, you and I go one-on-one at Diamonds Are Forever. And when that happens, there'll be no safe havens for you. It'll be just you, me and some unfinished business. CCC: Don't worry about my safety, Rey. Carlito will be just fine. See, Carlito knows that in the average one-on-one match, you tend to come out on top. Carlito has no illusions that beating you will be easy. But after seeing Thunderball, Carlito knows one thing: When it comes to the big matches, Rey, you choke. And that's exactly what's going to happen at Diamonds Are Forever. Carlito tosses the apple up again, but before he can catch it, Mysterio jumps up and grabs it. There's a tense moment as Mysterio holds onto the apple. RM: You never know, Carlito. I might just surprise you. Mysterio walks away. After he's offscreen, he tosses the apple back to an unprepared Carlito, who bobbles it and drops it on the floor. CCC: That's not cool!
Matthew Bloom vs. Val Venis Matthew Bloom has Andrew Martin and Clarence Mason at ringside with him, putting Val Venis at a distinct disadvantage in this one. Venis doesn't back down, but there's only so much he can do to combat the numbers game, and there are a couple of occasions on which a distraction from Clarence or a cheap shot from Martin allows Bloom to gain the upper hand. When Venis starts a rally later on, Martin brings an end to it by tripping him while he comes off the ropes -- Clarence had the ref's attention at the time -- and Bloom follows up with a sitout press slam. Bloom says this one is over and grabs Venis for the Injunction (Derailer), but Venis breaks Bloom's grip and fires off on him with right hands. Venis gets two off a Russian legsweep, and another two off a fisherman suplex. With some effort, Venis is able to give Bloom a bodyslam and head up to the top rope, but Martin pulls his leg out from under him and crotches him on the top rope. Clarence has the ref distracted, but not well enough, as he turns around in time to spot Martin still on the apron. The ref decides he's had enough of this and ejects Martin from ringside. Martin protests, and a recovered Bloom takes exception as well, but the referee refuses to bend and Martin stomps away angrily. Bloom joins Venis on the turnbuckle, looking for a superplex, but the argument with the ref gave Venis time to recover and he fights Bloom off, sending him back to the mat. Venis steadies himself and connects with the Money Shot to pick up the victory. Val Venis pinned Matthew Bloom with the Money Shot in 0:07:38. Rating: 3/4* I get the impression that the IWC in my WWL universe really, really hates Bloom. Perhaps if I were to turn him into a silent Japanese warrior of some sort...
Dragon talks fighting spirit
Backstage, Sean Edmunds is standing by. SE: I'm here with Ultimo Dragon, the WWL Cruiserweight Champion. In just a few moments, you'll be going out to face Kid Kash in a non-title match, and I think the question on all our minds is, are you in fighting condition for this match after being dropped on your head by Kid Kash just eight days ago at Thunderball? UD: I did get dropped on my head by Kid Kash, and I am embarrassed that I was not able to get back to my feet and continue the match. The doctors have told me I should take some more time before getting back in the ring to make sure I recover fully. But the doctors do not know what kind of a champion I am. I will not back down from a challenge by Kid Kash. Am I medically ready to compete tonight? Maybe not. But am I in fighting condition for this match? Absolutely. Dragon heads past Edmunds on the way to the ring for his match, which is ... next! Non-title match: Kid Kash vs. Ultimo Dragon As his pre-match promo tells us, Ultimo Dragon aims to be a fighting champion and won't let Kid Kash's challenge go unanswered. And although he manages some solid offense in the opening minutes, it quickly becomes clear he should have listened to his doctors and held off on getting back in the ring just a week after getting spiked on his head on the corner of the ring apron at Thunderball. Being the man who inflicted the initial damage on Dragon's noggin, Kash knows precisely what to target, and he takes full advantage of that knowledge, focusing his offense on stiff shots to the head. Dragon manages to break Kash's dominance on a few occasions, but each time, he's looking a little worse, and Kash is always able to retake the advantage after a short time. With Dragon thoroughly dominated, Kash says this one's over and he hoists Dragon up for the Dead Level. Dragon manages to slip free and starts a quick rally with some hard martial arts kicks to Kash. Dragon sets up for the Asai DDT, but Kash shoves him away, then levels him with a clothesline to the back of the head before Dragon can react. Dragon is clearly done after that, but Kash, with some difficulty, hauls him up to his feet and nails him with the Dead Level to put him away. Kid Kash pinned Ultimo Dragon with the Dead Level in 0:06:42. Rating: *** 1/2 With that victory, our intrepid commentary team notes, Kid Kash has earned himself a shot at the WWL Cruiserweight Title in three weeks at Diamonds Are Forever. But as Kash celebrates his victory, they also question what condition Dragon will be in at Diamonds Are Forever after the damage to his head was almost certainly exacerbated here tonight.
Maria interviews the Dudley Boyz
We're backstage again, this time with the WWL's resident interview whiz kid, Maria the Mic Stand. MtMS: Maria here, backstage with the Dudley Boyz. Gentlemen, your thoughts on your match? BRD: I know what you're technically asking, darling, but what you want to ask about is Thunderball -- when we put the Lords of the Dance through a trio of tables to claim the WWL Tag Team Titles. DVD: We've been tag team champions before in our lives, but it never gets any sweeter than it got eight days ago -- not only did we win our first WWL Tag Team Titles, we got our payback on those two dancing idiots who've been nothing but a thorn in our side for months. BRD: Now, as much as we'd like to be done with those two and that sneaky manager of theirs, we've got 'em again tonight in a six-man tag -- with Rey Mysterio on our side and Carlito on theirs. So since we've gotta face those two once again, I guess we just gotta make 'em wish they never have to set foot in the ring with us again. DVD: And if we have to bring out the tables to do that, well then, so be it. Testify! The Dudleyz walk away, Maria smiling vacantly after them.
Carlito Caribbean Cool & the Lords of the Dance vs. Rey Mysterio & the Dudley Boyz
Their loss of the WWL Tag Team Titles has focused the Lords of the Dance somewhat, and they’re perfectly game to get in the ring with the Dudley Boyz when before they might have been reluctant. Of course, this doesn’t mean they don’t take the occasional moment to bust out some dance moves (mainly Ernest “The Cat” Miller, natch), but they’re wrestling much more competently. Which is good, because Carlito is decidedly cagier – anytime Mysterio gets tagged into the ring, Carlito tags out. The early going is fairly evenly matched, but the faces tend to have the advantage, especially due to Carlito’s unwillingness to be in there with Mysterio. There’s even a lengthy period of dominance on L.A. Park, leading to some innovative offense from the faces that incorporates Mysterio’s high-flying into the Dudleyz’ more brawling- and power-oriented offense. But Park tags out eventually, and shortly after, a guillotine behind the referee’s back by Carlito and a roundhouse kick by the Cat, the heels take over on Bubba Ray Dudley. Bubba plays face in peril for some time, eventually dodging a thrust kick from the Cat and connecting with the Bubba Bomb. Bubba crawls over and tags Mysterio right as the Cat tags Carlito.
Carlito tries to back out once he sees who he’s in there with, but Mysterio is too quick, and he lays into Carlito with fast-paced offense. He also kicks Park off the apron when Carlito tries to tag him. Mysterio gets a huracanrana for two, then a spinning lucha combination thingy ending in a DDT for another two. Carlito is completely disoriented from Mysterio being all over the ring, and he quickly stumbles into a drop toe hold that leaves him in 619 position. Mysterio dials up, but as he hits the ropes, Carlito comes to his senses and rolls out of the ring. Carlito tries to compose himself outside the ring, but Mysterio will have none of that. Knowing he’s about to take a risk, he tags D-Von Dudley, then charges at Carlito and leaps onto him with a plancha – but Carlito moves at the last second and Mysterio crashes and burns on the outside. Carlito gets back in the ring, looking very sure of himself, until D-Von catches him with a spinebuster. D-Von calls for the Dudley Death Drop and beckons Bubba into the ring, but Park attacks Bubba and the two of them tumble to the outside. D-Von looks for the Saving Grace, but with the referee’s attention on Bubba and Park, the Cat nails D-Von with a martial arts kick to the head. Carlito rolls D-Von up as the ref turns around and puts his feet on the ropes to keep him down for three.
The Lords of the Dance (Ernest Miller and L.A. Park) and Carlito Caribbean Cool defeated The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) and Rey Mysterio when Carlito pinned D-Von after an inside cradle in 0:10:39. Rating: ****
The Snake Pit
Back from commercial, and everything is set up in the ring for the Snake Pit. Jake "The Snake" Roberts has a mic. JR: Welcome to the Snake Pit. My guest tonight has been outspoken that he should have won the Thunderball Battle Royal, which would have made him next in line for a shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title. Please welcome John Bradshaw Layfield. "Longhorn" cues up as a grumpy-looking JBL heads down to ringside. You'd never know from the condition of his suit that he was involved in a physical altercation earlier; to quote Danny Trejo, "That dude cleans up good." JR: John, you've been on my show before, so let's skip the introductions and go right to the question on everyone's minds: Why do you continue to insist that, despite your loss to Shawn Michaels at Thunderball, you are the better man? JBL: First of all, I can do without your leading questions. It's not a question of what I continue to say -- it's a simple fact. I went through hell at Thunderball. I took everything those 29 other men had to offer, and I did not sway. I clearly proved my superiority over every other man in that match save for my compatriot in Wrestling Royalty, Jeff Jarrett, who was unfairly eliminated before I even got to the ring. But one lucky shot at the end, and another man walked out the winner. I'm not trying to claim that Shawn Michaels somehow cheated to win; the fact is, my feet touched the floor before his did, and in a match like the Thunderball Battle Royal, that's the only way to win. But my loss was an injustice brought about by nothing more and nothing less than the luck of the draw. And if that was the only way Shawn Michaels could win, you can barely consider it a win at all. JR: But it was a win nonetheless, was it not? I don't think anyone can deny you put on an impressive performance at Thunderball, John, but you knew going in the role that the luck of the draw would play. Couldn't someone make the argument that you lost not because of luck, but because of lack of preparation? JBL: Lack of preparation? Are you out of your damn mind? I was more than adequately prepared for that match, but there were many elements for which I could not have planned -- the early elimination of my colleague, the frequent targeting by other competitors, the Choke Slam onto the concrete floor! No one who was underprepared could have lasted as long as I did after enduring all that! JR: You make good points about your endurance, but -- call me crazy -- I doubt somewhat that you'd feel so reverent to other competitors in the match had you drawn, say, No. 30. Had you entered No. 30 -- or even No. 21, as Shawn Michaels did -- and won, would you have any doubts that you were the better man? JBL: Don't you try to trap me! I see what you're trying to do here, cast doubt on my sincerity that I deserved to win that match, and it won't work. We'll never know how I might have reacted to different circumstances, because that's not how things worked out. I'm not here to rewrite history. I'm just here to tell the truth, straight and to the point: Shawn Michaels may have won at Thunderball, but on that night, I was the better man. And Shawn Michaels has yet to do anything to prove me wrong. JR: Hasn't he? It's true that you stayed in the Thunderball Battle Royal longer than anyone else, but Shawn Michaels' time was very close to yours. And if my math is correct, he eliminated precisely as many men as you did. It seems to me that the only difference between you and Shawn Michaels is that he won and you didn't. JBL gets right in Jake's face for that one. Jake just smiles back at him. JBL: I ought to knock your head off right now for the disrespectful way you're talking to me. JR: Well, John, I'd prefer you didn't, but if you must, I invite you to try and see what happens. After a tense moment, JBL grins and backs off. JBL: But I have better things to do than waste my time with the likes of you. I have my sights set higher. As the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal, Shawn Michaels will receive a shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title at For Your Eyes Only in September. But in just three weeks, we've got Diamonds Are Forever. So I'm going to throw my challenge out there right now: Shawn Michaels, J-B-L, Diamonds Are Forever. And if Shawn Michaels really wants to prove he's the better man, he'll put that title shot on the line. JR: And just what makes you think-- JBL: Oh no. You can stop right there. I've said what I've had to say, and I can't think of a single good reason to stand here and endure any more of your loaded questions. JBL puts his mic down and steps through the ropes. As he walks away, though... JR: Well, John, which questions you answer is your prerogative. But don't forget -- if Shawn Michaels accepts your challenge, in three weeks, you'll have a hell of a question to answer. That question is: "Is J-B-L a better man than Shawn Michaels?" And you'd best be prepared. Because if you lose that match, everyone will know that the answer is "no" -- and that your actions can't live up to your words. JBL scowls back at Jake as he gives a wide grin. JR: ... Trust me.
Oh, very well, it’s time for your bribe
Backstage, we see Chris Jericho knocking on a locker room door. He stands there nervously for a moment or two before the door bursts open and Gene Snitsky is staring him right in the face. Jericho jumps a little, but quickly regains his composure as Snitsky just stares at him.
CJ: Gene! Buddy! Pal! Amigo! I just came by to tell you that today is your lucky day!
Snitsky just continues staring.
CJ: See, I know we had an agreement that I owed you for eliminating Diamond Dennis from the Thunderball Battle Royal. And I know that what you said you wanted was a shot at my WWL World Heavyweight Title. But I think you’re selling yourself short there, Gene, because there is so, so much more I can provide than just a title shot. For instance…
Jericho snaps his fingers. From offscreen, Disco Inferno stumbles in with an enormous fruit basket that’s so large he can’t even see over the top of it. Disco keeps walking until he bonks into the wall, then he slowly puts the fruit basket on the floor.
CJ: All you got from Carlito was an apple, but thanks to me, you have access to the most glorious fruits of all time. Hell, I can only name about half of them in there. And some of them are dipped in chocolate, too! The possibilities are endless!
Snitsky glances at the fruit basket, then looks back at Jericho, uninterested.
CJ: But who cares about that, right? You’re looking for something that suits your personal interests, and I have just the thing!
Jericho snaps his fingers again, and Lenny Lane comes over with a big basket of items that are difficult to recognize at first glance. He sets the basket in front of Snitsky.
CJ: What I have here is a set of adorable baby-patterned footballs, all yours for the punting! And on top of that, a hardback copy of the recently released 1,001 Dead Baby Jokes to Amuse Your Friends! Now tell me I don’t know my friends!
Snitsky glances, then back to Jericho.
CJ: I can do better, though. Maybe you’re a man who relishes the arts. Why not?
He snaps his fingers, and Disco Inferno reappears with a much smaller basket, full of tickets, which he sets in front of Snitsky.
CJ: I’ve carefully plotted all the locations where the WWL’s touring schedule will take us and obtained tickets to the major attractions in each town! Just think, every time you roll into town for a WWL show, you’ll have the chance to see a fantastic show displaying the best artistic talent! Operas, symphonies, ballets, off-Broadway productions…
Another glance at the basket, another stare back at Jericho.
CJ: Oooooooo-kay. What else we got? Maybe Lenny can interest you in … a new car!
Lenny walks in with a huge box, which he sets in front of Snitsky.
CJ: …dboard box full of every form of suitable adult entertainment we could find! Come on, we’re both human, nobody’s judging here – live a little!
Snitsky glances, and then back at Jericho.
CJ: Um … maybe the greatest gift of all would interest you! That’s right, cold hard cash! I don’t carry any myself, but I’m sure Disco or Lenny can chip in a few— GS: I don’t … want … your gifts. CJ: OK, OK, this wasn’t the best selection, but I’m sure a man of my resourcefulness can find something you’ll— GS: I want … a shot … at your title. CJ: Maybe I can— GS: You promised … me … anything … I want. And I … want … a title shot. You … agreed … to that deal. So … if I … walk out of here … tonight … the new … WWL … World Heavyweight Champion … it won’t … be … my … fault!
Snitsky slams the door in Jericho’s face. He’s left standing there staring at a closed door and a big stack of now-useless gifts. Jericho screams with frustration and stomps away. A couple of seconds later, Andrew Martin walks in from offscreen, looks around nervously, then grabs the box of porn and walks away with it. A couple of seconds after that, the Sandman appears, looks around nervously, then grabs the basket of show tickets.
TS: I hope he decided to spring for Billy Elliot.
The Sandman sneaks away with the basket of show tickets. A few more seconds go by, then Rico creeps over and picks up the fruit basket. He turns around to leave and almost runs smack into Carl Ouellet, who’s standing right behind him, clad in his usual tuxedo and eyepatch.
CO: Ha ha ha! Fruit.
Extreme Rules Match: Steven Richards vs. The Sandman Since scoring a decisive victory over rival Matt Hardy at Thunderball, Steven Richards appears to have set his sights on Rhyno. You never really know what Richards is thinking because of how bizarre his behavior has been lately, but it's clear he has his eye on the WWL Intercontinental Champion -- forcibly inserting himself into a match last week where he could fight Rhyno, and focusing almost exclusively on Rhyno to the detriment of his tag team partners in the match. This week, he's got Rhyno's frequent ally the Sandman in singles action, and as so often happens with the Sandman, Paul Heyman has made this one an Extreme Rules match. Normally, that stipulation is an advantage for Sandman, but Richards is no stranger to Extreme Rules and, in fact, just went through a brutal No Holds Barred match eight days ago, which is practically the same thing. Richards tempers his bloodlust in the early going, bailing out of the ring when Sandman tries to use his Singapore cane, which incites Sandman to chase him with it and allows Richards to catch Sandman with kicks to the head as he re-enters the ring. From there, Richards takes advantage of the weapons Sandman trucked down to ringside by methodically pummeling him with them. Sandman eventually breaks free of Richards' dominance and starts a rally, finally getting in a few solid shots with the cane. After putting Richards down with a stiff cane shot to the head, Sandman grabs a stop sign from under the ring, much to the crowd's enjoyment. Sandman raises the sign to crown Richards with it, but Richards gets his hands on the cane and drills Sandman right in the gut with it. Sandman drops the sign, and Richards is up to hook the arms and Stevie-T the Sandman right on the sign. The three-count is academic. (Extreme Rules Match): No-Countout-No-DQ-Match: Steven Richards pinned The Sandman with the Stevie-T in 0:05:52. Rating: ** With the match over, Richards picks up the cane as though to continue the assault on Sandman, but before he can use it, he spots Rhyno coming down to ringside to make the save. With a grin, Richards calmly drops the cane and ditches out of the ring before Rhyno can get him, then walks away as Rhyno invites him to come back and fight.
Richards shows his vicious streak in this one, but the Sandman is no slouch when it's Extreme Rules. Richards eventually wallops Sandman with a road sign and gives him the Stevie-T on it to pick up the win. Richards has another cryptic segment during the night when he again makes it clear he's coming for Rhyno.
Cheap Heat
Chris Sabin makes his way to the ring for a match. And then -- ALAYLEAAAAAAAHHHHH... The crowd boos vociferously for the arrival of Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari. Daivari is going to be facing Sabin, and he's dressed to wrestle, while Hassan is in a suit. Both Arab-Americans have mics. MH: In the past, Daivari and I have become sadly accustomed to you people cheering reprehensible human beings entirely because they oppose us. First the Dudley Boyz, then Rhyno, then that pyromaniacal monster Kane. You are willing to accept into your hearts absolutely anyone willing to use brutality to try to silence us. And why? Do we not, as Americans, have the same right to free speech that you have, that you constantly belabor the importance of? You spend nearly every waking moment defending what you believe is your right to say whatever you want, whenever you want, to whoever you want. But when Daivari and I, a couple of Arab-Americans, try to start a reasonable conversation about the hatred and prejudice in our society, you run crying to scum like Kane to make us stop threatening your delusional worldview. KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: But no matter whom you beg to shut us up, we will continue to expose the bigotry you people, and so many others like you, display on a daily basis to honest, hard-working Arab-Americans like Daivari and myself. And if you continue to plug your ears and try to keep the truth out, I suppose you will just have to keep finding monstrous heroes who can try -- and fail -- to stop us. Sooner or later, though, you are going to run out of monsters. And then where will you turn? KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: I'll tell you where you will turn: to him. Hassan points to Sabin, who gives an indignant "what the hell did I do?" gesture. MH: You will be reduced to begging nobodies to keep you safe from the truth. Those of you who continue to ignore the callous nature of your bigotry will, in your desperation, turn to the nearest person and beg him to keep your precious illusions safe from the terrible Arab-Americans. This is who you'll be asking for protection: a nobody, an insignificant insect about whom you did not care even a little until he stood in opposition to us. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but you will lose your reason to care about this insect as quickly as you gained it -- because just as we will crush your small-minded prejudices with our steadfast commitment to the truth, Daivari will crush this insect beneath his heel. KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi, but only for a second, because...) Sabin has heard enough and he dropkicks Hassan in the back, sending him tumbling out of the ring to a big pop. Daivari takes the opportunity to jump Sabin from behind, and the match is on.
Chris Sabin vs. Khosrow Daivari Khosrow Daivari has the immediate advantage, thanks to his jumping Chris Sabin from behind to kick things off. And Daivari rides that wave for quite some time; not only was Sabin unprepared for his onslaught to come when it did, but Muhammad Hassan is pissed, and he takes every opportunity to involve himself. A cheap shot behind the referee's back here, a distraction so Daivari can choke Sabin without having to worry about a five-count there. Daivari, with help from Hassan, shuts down a couple of attempted Sabin comebacks, but eventually Sabin manages one. He gets a handful of near-falls before hauling Daivari up for the Cradle Shock, but Daivari slips out, misses a clothesline and eats an enzuigiri. Sabin goes up top, but while the referee's eyes are on Daivari, Hassan crotches Sabin on the top rope. Daivari heads over, chucks Sabin off the top, climbs up himself and nails the Magic Carpet Ride. It should be over, but Hassan yells at Daivari to make Sabin pay, and Daivari stands over his fallen opponent to apply the Camel Clutch. Before he can apply the hold, though, hellfire and brimstone erupts from the entranceway and Kane lumbers down to ringside. Hassan quickly retreats as Kane slowly pursues him around the ring, with Daivari keeping a close eye on the proceedings in case Kane decides to get involved in the match. He doesn't, though; he just follows Hassan around the ring, and then up the entranceway as Hassan flees. Daivari turns his attention back to Sabin, charges and runs right into a swinging side slam backbreaker. Sabin quickly covers and manages to get the victory, much to the crowd's delight. Chris Sabin pinned Khosrow Daivari after a swinging side slam backbreaker in 0:04:08. Rating: ***
Spot the Jack Bauer quote
Backstage, the cameras catch Rhyno storming through a hallway. He bursts through a doorway and spots Steven Richards, who barely even reacts to his presence. Wasting no time, Rhyno grabs Richards by the throat and slams him up against some lockers -- not enough to hurt him, but enough to get his attention. Richards barely even reacts to that. R: All right, I've had enough of you! Matt Hardy might have been willing to put up with your weirdness, but I'm done with it! What's your problem? SR: Who says I have a problem? R: I do, ya nutcase! We both know you've got your sights set on me. Now tell me why before I rip your damn head off! SR: Do I? Maybe I just want a shot at the Intercontinental Title. R: D'ya think I'm stupid? Huh? You know you could get a title shot just by asking for it. You're after something else, and you're going to tell me what it is! SR: Look at it this way, Rhyno. You're the Intercontinental Champion, but you want to be more than just a man with a title belt, right? You go out every night and throw out a challenge because you want to be seen as a fighting champion. It's as much about you as it is about the title. I want the title, too, but that's not all I want. You and I aren't so different. R: So what? This is about you? What the hell is that supposed to even mean? SR: No, no, you misunderstand. What you do is about the championship and about yourself. What I do is also about the championship -- and also about you. I have my reasons for targeting you, Rhyno -- but I'll never tell you what they are, not until I'm ready. R: You asked for it! Rhyno sends a haymaker at Richards, but Richards, quick as a flash, dodges it, causing Rhyno's fist to slam into the locker hard enough to dent it. Rhyno holds his hand in pain, allowing Richards to run away. Rhyno looks up, trying to shake off the pain in his hand, and sees Richards is gone. R: Damn it! Rhyno storms out, probably still hunting for Richards.
WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Gene Snitsky Chris Jericho makes it very clear from the outset that he does not want to be here. He forces the referee to get in the middle of a couple of grapples and break them, and he does a good bit of stalling between grapples. Eventually, he makes as though he's going for a grapple and instead pokes Snitsky in the eyes, then begins the assault from there. Jericho gets some shots in on Snitsky, but he quickly overpowers Jericho's offense, sending Jericho scrambling away from the action to a corner for a breather. Things continue like that in the opening minutes; Jericho finds away to get a brief advantage, Snitsky powers out, Jericho backs away. Snitsky eventually tires of Jericho's sneaking away and drags him back into the action to start a brief period of dominance. Jericho even ends up getting chucked out of the ring, and Snitsky follows him out to deliver more punishment. Jericho gains a brief respite by kicking Snitsky in the gut and slamming his head into the announce table a couple of times, but Snitsky quickly roars back and whips Jericho into the ring steps hard enough to knock them off their base. Snitsky rolls Jericho back in, drops a leg and covers, but can only get two. Snitsky spends the next few minutes manhandling Jericho, occasionally going for a pin attempt, but Jericho is always able to get a shoulder up. Jericho finally manages some distance with a rake of the eyes and starts hammering on Snitsky, but Snitsky shoves him away and goes for a big boot -- which Jericho ducks, causing Snitsky to straddle the top rope. Jericho comes off the ropes and dropkicks Snitsky in the knee, then lays in some more kicks to the leg while Snitsky is trapped. Smelling blood, Jericho proceeds to target the knee of his larger opponent for some time, keeping the big man off his feet. He even gets Snitsky in a figure-four and really wrenches it in, but he has to scramble for the ropes when Snitsky turns the hold over on him. Snitsky tries to get up, but another dropkick to the knee puts him back down and Jericho goes back to work. This time, Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Snitsky kicks him away. Jericho gets back up and charges right into a big boot from Snitsky, which puts Jericho on the mat but aggravates Snitsky's knee, and both men are down. As the two men get back to their feet, a slugfest ensues, which Snitsky quickly wins. Snitsky runs through some power moves on Jericho, getting two-counts off a sidewalk slam, a press slam and a powerslam. Snitsky goes for the Pump-Handle Slam, but Jericho slips out and drops Snitsky with the Flashback. Cover gets two for Jericho. Jericho is also unable to get a three-count off a Breakdown, a missile dropkick and a standing enzuigiri, his frustration rising with each Snitsky kickout. Jericho hits his facebuster and goes for the Lionsault, but Snitsky gets the knees up. Snitsky gets back to his feet and starts setting up for the Pump-Handle Slam, but before he can even lift Jericho, Jericho pulls Snitsky's legs out from under him and locks in the Walls of Jericho. Jericho cranks the hold in hard, and as Snitsky tries to crawl to the ropes, Jericho pulls him back to the center of the ring. It looks like Snitsky has nowhere to go, but in an impressive show of strength, he's able to throw Jericho off with such force that Jericho tumbles through the ropes to the floor. Jericho starts to get back in the ring, but as he gets up on the apron, he changes his mind, drops off and starts walking to the back for the countout loss. He doesn't make it that far, though, as Diamond Dallas Page steps through the curtains to a big pop and starts walking toward Jericho. Jericho backs away and tries to beg off, but DDP keeps on coming, eventually spurring Jericho to retreat into the ring. Jericho pleads with DDP not to follow, and DDP stays outside, but as Jericho turns around, Snitsky takes his head off with a big boot. Snitsky quickly goes into a cover and gets the three-count to a huge pop -- but the referee quickly waves off the timekeeper, as he's noticed Jericho has his foot on the rope. Not wasting any time, Snitsky hauls Jericho up for a third Pump-Handle Slam attempt, but Jericho rakes the eyes to escape. Jericho follows with a couple more eye gouges, then chokes Snitsky against the ropes. He continues choking past the five-count, clearly trying to get disqualified, but the ref just warns him. Frustrated, Jericho takes another tactic and shoves the ref to the mat -- but he still won't call for the DQ. Jericho screams at the referee, and as he does, Snitsky gets back to his feet. Jericho turns, sees an angry Snitsky before him, and swiftly kicks Snitsky in the nuts right in front of the ref. Snitsky hunches over, and Jericho kicks him in the groin a second time, sending Snitsky sinking to his knees. This time, the ref has no choice but to call for the bell and DQ Jericho, much to the displeasure of the crowd. Gene Snitsky defeated Chris Jericho by disqualification in 0:12:51. Rating: **** (Chris Jericho retained the WWL World Heavyweight Title.)
The crowd boos most enthusiastically at the way Jericho has retained the title. Snitsky has never been the most popular guy, but he was definitely being supported for trying to bring Jericho down. Snitsky is crumpled on the mat, holding his damaged scrotum, and Jericho stands over him, half taunting and half just panting with exhaustion. The crowd then moves from boos to hot anticipation as DDP slides into the ring behind Jericho. Jericho turns around and eats a Diamond Cutter to a big pop. DDP gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter over the fallen body of the WWL World Heavyweight Champion as Monday Night Action goes off the air.
Matches signed for Diamonds Are Forever (Aug. 28, 2005):
WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Diamond Dallas Page (if DDP loses, he gets no more title shots as long as Jericho is champion)
WWL Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Kid Kash
Rey Mysterio vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Card rating: ***
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