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Post by allpowerfulgarth on May 10, 2012 10:04:24 GMT -5
On an otherwise unremarkable day in 2005 came a development that caused much rejoicing. On that day, whose exact date I can't be bothered to remember and am far too lazy to look up, the World Wrestling League was born.
WWL was a modern-day circuit whose owner (that's me!) staffed its roster with a variety of wrestlers whom he found entertaining on one level or another. As it evolved over the course of its first few weeks and months, it developed into a circuit primarily focused on storytelling, gaining its owner a reputation as one of the few remaining posters stupid enough to write out all his promos word-for-word rather than simply recap them like a sane person.
It wasn't long, though, before the WWL's once-robust update schedule slowed considerably. His free time swiftly eaten up by a new girlfriend and significantly increased responsibilities at work, the owner stopped posting regularly, then stopped posting at a reasonable pace, then stopped posting entirely. On a few occasions over the years, he tried to start WWL back up again, but could never get more than a card or two in without spotting something shiny and wandering off for another couple of years.
Then, in 2012, a funny thing happened. The owner realized that, for some time, he had been working a less sanity-destroying job and was no longer mortified by the idea of his wife (the previously-mentioned "new girlfriend" of 2005) finding out the full extent of his huge-goddamned-wrestling-nerd tendencies. Emboldened by a new card-writing style that would make each card less of a massive undertaking and spurred on by a CD of WWL entrance music he had burned in 2005 -- see prior reference to huge-goddamned-wrestling-nerd tendencies -- he vowed to once again take up the WWL reins.
This is his story. But it is not just his story. It is also the story of a world champion who uses a stunt double and Disco Inferno as henchmen. It is the story of a mediocre early-2000s tag team being reborn as lawyers for no discernable reason. It is the story of a monster heel who tells dead baby jokes. It is the story of 2005-era WWE talent who never got the pushes they deserved due to injuries, lack of motivation, ill-conceived terrorism angles and other assorted stupidity. It is the story of a backstage interviewer so incurably dumb she can only competently speak one sentence. It is the story of talentless hacks only hired because the owner didn't want to job out the guys he liked.
It is the tale of recent history as rewritten by a madman with an unhealthy attraction to full-length promos, an inability to identify a bad gimmick he didn't like and an inexplicable compulsion to push Gene Snitsky.
This is the WWL. And it only gets worse from here.
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on May 10, 2012 10:28:03 GMT -5
On a less pretentious and third-person-y note, the answer to the question you did not ask and had no reason to ask is, "Yes, I am resuming my old WWL circuit, and yes, I have lost weight, thank you for noticing."
WWL started as a modern-day circuit in 2005, but now it's going to be more of a historical circuit, because I'm just going to pick up where I left off. I contemplated starting over from scratch, but I've had a head full of WWL angles for years now without anywhere to use them and I'll be damned if I'm just going to let them go to waste. Besides, 2005 wasn't a bad time in terms of talent; there was a lot to appreciate about that era if you didn't have Triple H or John Cena to bitch about (and in WWL, you won't).
A quick rundown on the WWL concept: -No rulesets. Ruck fulesets. This is a straight "hire guys I like, put them in matches" circuit. -I book the crap out of everything, leaving as little to chance as possible. I have TweakCirc and Circuit Editor and I am not afraid to use them, though I try not to. -I'm going to start from the most recent pay-per-view, so the first card or two may look familiar as they were posted on the old message board in 2008 or something. They contain longer match recaps, as that was my (stupid) style at the time. This will not last. -Match recaps now are kept short unless the matches themselves are especially long. -Promos are the meat of the WWL cheeseburger, by which I mean they are by far the biggest part and also the part that is most hazardous to your health (the WWL cheeseburger does not contain mayonnaise, which is also bad for you and is, decidedly unlike meat, totally gross). They are written out in full; this is my style, and although it takes more time than a promo recap system, it is something on which I am unwilling to compromise. If I can't write out the promos, I won't have as much fun. -I would not consider WWL a comedy circuit, but I loves me some comedy, and if you are foolish enough to read WWL, you will see a lot of it. Your definition of "comedy" and mine may differ from time to time, but rest assured this is only because I am too awesome for you to fully comprehend and not because my sense of humor rivals my taste in music in terms of sheer badness. ("Hur hur, I'm going to play 'Cotton Eye Joe' at our party! People still like that song, right?") -The roster is intended to be realistic; there are a few guys on it who were retired at the time, but they're all people who could realistically still go in the ring. I will try to keep things faithful to established departures, retirements and deaths, as well as established availability, and will avoid using my knowledge of the future for evil. That is to say, don't expect me to hire Dos Caras Jr. in October 2005 and call him Alberto Del Rio, Mexican aristocrat.
I know this is a lot of words to introduce my circuit, but I feel my way-the-hell-over-the-top wordiness will help prepare you for my card-writing style. I'll post Card Numero Uno later today, affording you a more thorough opportunity to see just how bad at this I am.
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Post by snabbit888 on May 10, 2012 10:28:41 GMT -5
Um....
FUCK. YES. Very much glad to see this back.
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on May 10, 2012 13:02:16 GMT -5
WWL LICENCE TO KILL: JUNE 27, 2005If you feel this forthcoming card will not be punishment enough and wish to suffer more, I have posted links to the card the precedes this one, which had to be split into two parts because it was so long: www.tnm7.de/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.cgi?board=tnmcircs;action=display; num=1161777988;start=0#0 www.tnm7.de/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.cgi?board=tnmcircs;action=display; num=1161777988;start=1#1 These were posted on the old board and I do not guarantee their continued existence. But if they are still up, the first of them itself contains links to the previous few weeks of WWL history. Now then ... on with the show! RUSHYour “Celebrity Deathmatch” video package kicks off your Rush pre-show. SE: WWL fans, welcome to Rush! We are just one short hour away from the beginning of what looks to be another stellar WWL pay-per-view event, Licence to Kill! I’m Sean Edmunds, here with Christopher Nowinski. CN: Sean, you’ll hear no quarrel from me on that one – Licence to Kill is shaping up to be a magnificent display. SE: That’s right, Mr. Nowinski – in fact, throughout the course of the night, we will see all four WWL titles defended. Ultimo Dragon will defend the Cruiserweight Title against Jamie Noble, the Lords of the Dance will defend the Tag Team Titles against the Dudley Boyz, Rhyno will put the Intercontinental Title on the line when he teams with the Sandman to battle Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari in an Extreme Rules match… CN: And you can’t possibly forget the main event, where Chris Jericho will enter combat against not one, but two opponents – John Bradshaw Layfield and Diamond Dallas Page. SE: Plus, we will witness another encounter between Matt Hardy and Steven Richards, Jeff Jarrett will face Rey Mysterio, and the Law Firm will put Clarence Mason on the line in an attempt to win the, er, services of Miss Jackie from Goldust and Rico! CN: And then there’s the steel cage match between Carlito Caribbean Cool and Shawn Michaels, which promises to be a battle of the highest magnitude. SE: And let’s not forget, Christopher, that here on Rush, we’ll have our own little contribution to Licence to Kill, as just minutes before the pay-per-view event begins, Chris Sabin will attempt to end the undefeated streak of newcomer Kid Kash! CN: Indeed. And given the caliber of those two competitors, I’d not be astonished to see Rush overshadow a little bit of Licence to Kill! SE: Well, there’s no need to brag. But that’s not all we have to offer, as each of us has an exclusive interview with a WWL wrestler who will appear on tonight’s pay-per-view. CN: You are correct, Sean. Earlier today, I had the opportunity to speak with the number-one contender for the WWL Cruiserweight Title, Jamie Noble. Let’s take a look at that. Jamie Noble interviewEarlier… CN: This is Christopher Nowinski, here backstage with the man who tonight will attempt to wrest the WWL Cruiserweight Title away from Ultimo Dragon, Mr. James Noble. Sir, in the last few weeks, you have quickly established yourself as the biggest threat to Ultimo Dragon’s title reign. What cunning strategy do you have going into your matchup this evening? JN: Well first off, Chris, it’s JAMIE Noble. Don’t nobody call me “James” but my mama, and last I checked, you ain’t nobody’s mama. Secondly, for the last coupl’a weeks, I’ve beaten myself damn near the entire cruiserweight division. Now, it’s time for me to claim my prize. Ultimo Dragon’s had a pretty easy run of things as champion, but tonight is where that stops, ya hear me? I’m gonna go out to that ring tonight and take apart that costumed ‘n caped freak. And then that there Cruiserweight Title is gonna be mine. Believe you me, boy, right now I may be just another challenger, but by the end of the night, ever’body in WWL and watchin’ around the globe on their TV sets is gonna know the name ‘a Jamie BY GOD Noble. HOOOO-WEEEEEE, now THAT is SWEET! Aaaaaand back to ringside… CN: Well, he may be in desperate need of some grammar lessons, but Jamie Noble is certainly determined to become the new WWL Cruiserweight Champion. SE: And Christopher, speaking of championship aspirations, it just so happens that I had the opportunity earlier today to speak with another individual on a hunt for gold: One of the two men Chris Jericho will face tonight, Diamond Dallas Page! Diamond Dallas Page interviewAaaaaaaand back to the past… SE: DDP, tonight you have the chance to make up for your loss to Chris Jericho last month with another WWL World Heavyweight Title shot. Given the circumstances surrounding your last match with Jericho, how do you expect to overcome the odds tonight? DDP: Well, Sean, you’re right when you say I’ve got some odds to overcome. Not only has that scumbag Jericho got his two lackeys to come after me whenever they get the chance, but I’ve also got JBL to contend with, and I’m sure he’s going to have his own lackey with him. But Sean, things are gonna be different this time. See, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the time I’ve spent in this business, it’s that there’s no honor among thieves. Jericho, JBL, and their underlings might start off all focused on me, but y’know what? Eventually, they’re gonna have to go at each other, and that’s when it’s gonna be my time to shine. ‘Cause once those odds even out, there isn’t a man in that match who’ll be able to outwrestle the master of the Diamond Cutter. One by one, every single one of those jagoffs is gonna FEEL…THE…BANG. And when the dust has settled, the new WWL World Heavyweight Champion is going to be D-D-P. DDP gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter. DDP: BANG! …Aaaaaaaand BACK TO THE FUTURE. The rest of this show is going to be all feud recaps, and you don’t need to see those, right? Of course you don’t! So here’s your Rush main event. Kid Kash vs. Chris Sabin Kid Kash has yet to taste defeat since his WWL debut about a month back. And in fact, it was Chris Sabin whom he defeated in that debut match. Now, Sabin is back for round two against the Notorious K-I-D. Kash comes into this one full of confidence – a trait he has displayed since he first appeared in the WWL – but Sabin is all business and ready to get his win back from Kash. This one starts out pretty standard with lockups and cruiserweightery and all that good stuff. Kash takes an early advantage, but his cockiness nearly costs him the match when Sabin reverses a sloppy cover and gets a near-fall. Sabin gets the edge after that point and spends some time in control of the match. Kash eventually swings things back in his favor after an enzuigiri, but isn’t able to fully capitalize and get the win. Sabin fights back and almost seems to have this one won when he connects with a tiger suplex, but Kash is barely able to kick out. Sabin stays on the offensive and hoists Kash up for the Cradle Shock, but Kash is able to spin out and counter into a DDT. Kash says this one’s over, and after a moment of posing, delivers the brainbuster he calls the Dead Level to pick up the win. Kid Kash pinned Chris Sabin with the Dead Level in 0:07:10. Rating: ** ½
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Post by JoshiQ on May 10, 2012 13:04:30 GMT -5
Just responding to the first post, but ain't it grand when you find a girl that doesn't care about your nerdy hobbies? I've never understood why some girls freak out when they find out a guy is into computer games, wrestling, comics, or whatever is considered nerdy at the time. Of course, most girls don't, we just seem to think they will.
Can't wait to read the first card. So, is there a place to get caught up? The old boards still have WWL on them? Might have to check it out. It's been awhile since I've read a circuit that actually wrote out all of the promos. Should be fun.
And love the fact that you book everything. You said that you stick with people that are available so I'm assuming WWE exists in your world and you can't hire anyone that they had at the time? Or would I be mistaken?
Great to see you posting a circuit, Garth. Hope the motivation stays with you.
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on May 10, 2012 13:12:14 GMT -5
WWL LICENCE TO KILL: JUNE 27, 2005
PPV BEGINS NOW! A video package highlighting some of the top matches on the Licence to Kill card plays, set first to Gladys Knight’s “Licence to Kill” and then segueing into “The Hand That Feeds” by Nine Inch Nails. Then there are fireworks. Yay! Fireworks! G: Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for LICENCE TO KILL! The WWL is LIVE on pay-per-view with a heaping helping of entertainment for you, the fans! I’m Garth, alongside the Honky Tonk Man. HTM: And Garth, there is so much to look forward to on tonight’s lineup! Personally, I can’t wait to see Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari go up against Rhyno and the Sandman with EXTREME RULES! G: For my money, it doesn’t get much better than Shawn Michaels and Carlito fighting to the finish in a 15-foot-high steel cage, but certainly, all of tonight’s matchups promise to be fantastic! HTM: Particularly our main event! The WWL World Heavyweight Title being defended, for the very first time, in a Triple Threat match! It’s Chris Jericho, DDP and JBL to see who will walk out with the gold! G: Then there’s also the Cruiserweight Title match, the Tag Team Title match, Rey Mysterio taking on Jeff Jarrett, Matt Hardy vs. Steven Richards… HTM: We’ll even see two managers put their personal services on the line in a six-man – excuse me, six-PERSON – tag match pitting the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom against Goldust, Rico and Miss Jackie! G: And wouldn’t you know it, Honky Tonk, that just so happens to be our first matchup tonight! Let’s head down to the ring! The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom vs. Goldust, Rico & Miss Jackie This match will be conducted under slightly modified mixed-tag rules – the Law Firm can only face Goldust and Rico, Clarence Mason can only face Miss Jackie, and vice versa. Before the match even starts, the story of it is obvious in the faces of its participants – devious looks on the part of the faces, obvious concern on the parts of Matthew Bloom and Mason, and what is probably extreme lust on the face of Andrew Martin. He is pure class. He makes it clear that he wants to start out against Jackie in the ring, but them ain’t the rules, so it’s Martin and Rico to start. A few minutes of no-clear-advantage-for-either-team tag action ensue. The match consists primarily of the people who actually wrestle for a living (Jackie does not count, for the record), but at one point, we do get Jackie and Clarence in there for a horrific (but mercifully brief) sequence that sees Jackie get the upper hand and Clarence tag out to Bloom, who terrifies Jackie for a second but eventually allows her to tag Goldust at the referee’s urging. Shortly thereafter, a Martin full nelson slam followed by a big Bloom splash makes Rico your Face In Peril. After the Law Firm takes some liberties with Rico – including a moment where he slips out of a Martin pump-handle slam attempt and connects with some kicks, but gets drawn back in and short clotheslined when he tries to tag out – Rico is able to drill Bloom with some Sudden Impact after dodging a bicycle kick. Rather than cover, Rico crawls to his corner and is able to tag Goldust right as Bloom tags Martin. Goldust is a face with a hot tag, so naturally, he is able to take down Martin and Bloom quickly with clotheslines and such. After eating a flying clothesline, Martin rolls out of the ring, and Goldust concentrates his energy on Bloom. Bloom hits a kick to the midsection and tries to hoist Goldust up for the Settlement (Train Wreck), but Goldust breaks free and delivers a reverse DDT. Goldust notices Clarence Mason panicking on the apron, and with a wry grin, he tags Jackie. Jackie heads Clarence’s way, but before she gets there, Martin is back in and he clobbers Jackie from behind with a huge clothesline. PURE class. Martin tags Clarence and he goes in for the cover, but Goldust is after Martin. As Mason goes for the pin, Rico comes in and kisses him right on the top of his bald head, sending Mason into a fury. Bloom gets up and attacks Rico, and it’s CLUSTERFUCK CITY. Bloom and Rico battle out of the ring while Martin and Goldust battle inside. Martin catches Goldust with a boot to the face as Goldust charges into the corner. He hauls Goldust up and positions him for the Mistrial (Test Drive), but he wastes time making an obscene gesture in Jackie’s direction, and Goldust reverses, turning into the hold and then backdropping Martin over the top to the outside. Rico, meanwhile, slips out of a Bloom attempt to send him into the ring post and pushes Bloom face-first into it. Rico re-enters the ring as Goldust turns toward Clarence. Clarence is terrified. He backs away, and as he does, Jackie comes from behind to roll him up for the three-count! Goldust & Rico and Miss Jackie defeated The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom (Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom) and Clarence Mason when Jackie pinned Mason after an inside cradle in 0:09:34. Rating: ** ¾ A look of sheer horror crosses the face of Clarence Mason as he slowly realizes what just happened. Goldust and Rico have just earned his “personal services” – whatever they may be for those two individuals – and Mason can only gape in shock as Rico and Goldust slowly close in on him. Bloom is up on the apron, but Goldust sends him back to the floor with a butt-bump. Seconds later, Martin tries to re-enter the ring, but Rico cuts him off with a roundhouse kick. Mason tries to scurry away in the confusion, but Jackie grabs him by the back of his pants to stop him. Goldust, Rico and Jackie grab hold of Clarence and drag him away from the ring, kicking and screaming, before Martin and Bloom can get back to their feet. The horror. THE HORROR! Wrestling Royalty interview
And now, backstage with Maria the Mic Stand. She’s got Wrestling Royalty with her. MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Wrestling Royalty. Gentlemen, your thoughts on your match? JBL: I know this is going to fall on deaf – and really, really dumb – ears, but you do realize we have a total of two matches between us. Maria does not respond. Jeff Jarrett shrugs. JJ: It was worth a shot. JBL: Well…that aside… JBL straightens his collar. JBL: Tonight, I have the chance to gain what should have been mine as soon as I signed my WWL contract. Tonight, I have the chance to prove to the world that I am exactly what I say I am, and that is THE greatest wrestler in the WWL. Tied with Jeff Jarrett, of course. JJ: Of course. JBL: Tonight, I have the chance to become the new WWL World Heavyweight Champion. I should have competed for the championship at The World Is Not Enough, but I was unfairly denied. I should have competed for the championship at You Only Live Twice, but I was unfairly denied. And yet, after all of those denials, it has finally become clear that there truly is no one in the WWL as deserving of that title belt than myself, a Wrestling GOD. And despite Paul Heyman’s personal opinion of me, he saw no other option but to give me my long-overdue opportunity to take that WWL World Heavyweight Title and strap it around my waist to lead WWL into a new era. Mark my words, Maria – if you’re at all capable – when I say that after tonight, the whole world will know the greatness that is J-B-L. JBL soaks that in for a second. JBL: But at the moment, there are more important matters to attend to. Because in a few short moments, the King of the Mountain himself will go up against (with disdain) Rey Mysterio. JJ: That’s right. These last few weeks, Rey Mysterio has been nothing more than a pest. And when I go out to that ring tonight, I’m going to be bringing with me my own brand of pesticide. It’s called the Stroke – and Rey, don’t forget who’s got ALL the Stroke around here. You may have embarrassed me once or twice, Rey, but when it’s all said and done, the King of the Mountain will have the last laugh. MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Wrestling Royalty. Gentlemen, your thoughts on your match? JJ: Are you still here? JBL: We’ll just get to the ring now, honey, if it’s all the same to you. Jarrett and JBL start to walk away and almost run right into Paul Heyman, who is grinning broadly. PH: WE’LL just get to the ring now? JBL: Don’t tell me— PH: JBL, if you value your title shot, you’ll just stay riiiiiiiight here backstage. JBL: But…but…how are you ALWAYS there? PH: I run this company. It’s my job to be in many places at once. JJ: That doesn’t even make sense! Heyman shrugs. Jarrett stomps past him toward the ring as JBL snarls at him. Jeff Jarrett vs. Rey Mysterio Jeff Jarrett’s unhappiness is evident as soon as he walks out. Darn that crafty Paul Heyman. But Rey Mysterio is pure energy, probably a combination of wanting to prove himself and realizing he’s not going to have to deal with JBL for the duration of this match. Looking to further fluster his opponent, Mysterio spends the opening moments of the bout focusing more on escaping Jarrett’s offense than countering it – somersaulting over a backdrop attempt, flipping out of a back suplex, dodging clotheslines and suchlike. Jarrett does finally manage to get an advantage by catching Rey in the back of the head with a clothesline after Rey ducked under the first attempt, but he spends most of his time on generic punchy-kicky-stompy-chinlocky stuff, and Rey ain’t about to let that drag down his match rating. Catching himself on a whip into the corner, Rey snags Jarrett in a headscissors and uses it to take him over the top to the outside. Rey follows up with the ol’ “I’m going to jump through the ropes onto you – naw, I’m just kidding, I’m going to 619 myself back into the ring,” then as Jarrett comes out of the duck-and-cover position he’d adopted to dodge the dive through the ropes, Rey springs over the top rope onto him. That puts Rey in control, and he rolls Jarrett back in. Rey takes advantage of his time in control, going for many a pinning combination punctuated by kicks to the legs and face and assorted cruiserweightery. Jarrett earns himself a brief respite with a knee to the gut as Rey comes off the ropes, but he foolishly follows up with a sunset flip, and Rey simply rolls through and drills Jarrett with a dropkick to the face. Rey continues his dominance until he manages to get Jarrett in position for the 619. Rey comes off the ropes for the move, but Jarrett dodges out of the way. Rey springs up to the top rope and it looks like he’s about go for the West Coast Pop, but Jarrett catches him out of the air and flattens him with a powerbomb. After shaking the cobwebs out, Jarrett covers. Rey kicks out, but he’s just had the wind knocked out of him, and he’s lost his momentum with it, giving Jarrett a marked edge. Now that he’s dominating, Jarrett is able to get in some better offense; some suplexes, some stiff shots, even a piledriver. But nothing seems to be sufficient to keep Rey down. Finally, Jarrett looks to lock in the figure four, but Rey pushes him off with his foot. Jarrett comes back over and Rey is able to get a drop toe hold to put Jarrett in 619 position again. Rey comes off the ropes, but Jarrett is up and he catches Rey on the rebound for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker – and Rey somehow counters into a DDT. Both men are down. Both competitors get back to their feet and Rey starts laying in the shots on Jarrett. Jarrett is bigger, and he is able to fend Rey off with some punches, but Rey ducks under a clothesline and gets a springboard cross-body for two. A wheelbarrow bulldog followed by a cover gets another two. Rey is on fire. He puts Jarrett down with a sitdown faceslam, goes out to the apron, and connects with a springboard splash, which gets another two as Jarrett just BARELY lifts the shoulder up. Rey comes off the ropes and runs right into a powerslam, which gets two for Jarrett. As Rey gets to his feet, Jarrett drills him with a brutal knee to the face that sends Rey flying. Jarrett says it’s over and he hauls Rey to his feet, looking for the Stroke. Rey fights out with some elbows to the head, then dodges a clothesline and sends Jarrett into the turnbuckle with a dropkick. Rey charges at Jarrett and eats a big elbow coming in. Jarrett quickly grabs hold of Rey and, after a brief struggle, connects with the Stroke. Jarrett casually rolls Rey onto his back and covers, but Rey gets his foot on the rope just before the three. Jarrett can’t believe it. He drags Rey away from the ropes and covers again, but Rey is able to kick out at two and fifteen-sixteenths. Jarrett, thoroughly frustrated, pulls Rey up and looks for another Stroke, but Rey rolls him forward into a pinning combination and almost gets three. Jarrett kicks Rey in the gut, whips him off the ropes, misses a clothesline, and goes for a toss into the air on the rebound, but Rey is able to counter into a rana and hold Jarrett down for the three! Rey Mysterio pinned Jeff Jarrett after a rana in 0:12:16. Rating: *** ¼ The crowd goes wild for Rey as he rolls out of the ring, arms raised in victory. Jarrett, meanwhile, throws a mini heel tantrum at his loss. The Law Firm sees what cannot be unseen
We cut to backstage. Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom are striding through the backstage area, near the parking lot, at a brisk pace, looking in every direction as they do. Bloom spies a backstage worker and points at him, and he and Martin head in the man’s direction. MB: Hey! You! AM: Have you seen Clarence Mason? Probably had a gold-makeuped freak, a prancing fairy princess and a stone-cold fox with him? MB: Geez, man, I’m sure he knows who Clarence is. Have you seen him? BW: You mean Rico, Goldust and Jackie, right? MB: That’s them. Seen ‘em? BW: Yeah, just a second ago, but I didn’t see Clarence with them, just a shorter black woman in a dress. Martin and Bloom are confused for a fraction of a second, then quickly share a disgusted look. AM: Oh HELL no. MB: Those sick weirdos couldn’t have— MJ: Looking for someone? Martin and Bloom turn, the camera following their vision, to see Miss Jackie standing near a doorway into the parking lot. They start in her direction, but Jackie quickly hops into a car. The camera zooms in on one of the car’s back windows to capture a very scared-looking Clarence Mason – wearing haphazardly-applied makeup and a black wig – peering out. Bloom and Martin run toward the car, but it zooms off before they can reach it. MB: DAMN it! AM: OK, there’s no need to panic. We’ll get her next time. MB: Her? AM: I mean him. Clarence. Awkward pause. MB: You were thinking about Jackie, weren’t you? AM: Pfft! No. Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Jamie Noble Jamie Noble is fired up going into this one, and even as Ultimo Dragon is doing his entrance poses, Noble looks ready to strike at any moment. But just rushing in isn’t going to help you much against a guy as quick as Ultimo Dragon, so Noble bides his time until the bell rings, and even then, he’s not quick to attack, seemingly evaluating every angle at which he could go at Dragon. The opening moments of the bout are much of the same, with both men breaking sequences and tieups in the corner to back off and keep their cool. A swift back elbow as Dragon comes off the ropes puts Noble in brief control, but Dragon proves himself very adept at escaping Noble’s pin attempts and weardown holds. After one such escape from a pinning combination, Noble starts to get angry and hammers away at Dragon, but you don’t beat Dragon that way and he eventually manages to counter into a pinning combination of his own. Noble escapes and charges at Dragon, but Dragon dodges out of the way and Noble tumbles out of the ring. Noble angrily gets back to his feet, but catches himself and stays out of the ring for about half the 10-count to regain his composure. Getting back in, Noble goes back to his initial strategy and we have a little bit more of that. This time, it’s Dragon who gets the advantage, dropping Noble with a spinning heel kick that catches him out of nowhere. Now it’s Dragon going for the pinning combinations and weardown holds, which Noble manages to squirm out of for the most part. After one sequence, Dragon starts to lock in the Dragon Sleeper, but Noble quickly wriggles his way to the ropes before Dragon can get the hold locked in all the way and clings there. Dragon tries to pull him off, and Noble grabs him by the waist and sends him through the ropes to the outside. Noble heads out to inflict more punishment, sending Dragon’s head into the ring apron several times and dropping him onto the barricade. Noble rolls in to break the count, then tries to send Dragon into the ring steps, but Dragon reverses and sends Noble into the steps. Dragon re-enters the ring and comes off the ropes, possibly looking to dive out onto Noble, but as Dragon springboards out onto the ropes – possibly looking for an Asai moonsault – Noble hits the deck. Dragon is able to stop himself in time to avoid leaping to the floor, but Noble takes advantage of the momentary lapse in Dragon’s offense to grab him by the back and yank him off the apron, sending Dragon’s head and upper back into the barricade. Dragon is down holding his head, and Noble rolls him back into the ring in firm control. Back in, Noble gets a big neckbreaker for two, followed by a Northern Lights suplex for another two. He continues to chip away at Dragon, who is still stunned and has been unable to garner any significant offense. But Dragon insists on not staying down, and finally, he takes advantage of a break in Noble’s concentration to get in a few shots, followed by a huracanrana. As Noble gets up, Dragon goes for an enzuigiri, but Noble ducks the second kick and starts to apply the Trailer Hitch. Dragon moves toward the ropes, but Noble manages to get the hold locked in. Dragon struggles and eventually makes it to the ropes, frustrating Noble. Noble hammers away at Dragon and hauls him up looking for a tiger driver, but Dragon slips out and turns Noble around into a reverse DDT quick as a flash, putting both men down. When both men get back to their feet, Dragon retakes control, keeping the advantage with kicks and assorted cruiserweightery. Eventually, Dragon sets up for the Asai DDT, but before he can leap into the air, Noble breaks free and counters into a backcracker. Noble covers, but Dragon is able to get the shoulder up. Noble now says it’s over and he looks for his overhead double gutbuster, but Dragon slips free and counters into an impressive DDT. Dragon is able to get back to his feet with Noble still down and comes off the ropes for an Asai moonsault, but Noble rolls out of the way. As Dragon staggers back to his feet, Noble quickly grabs a front facelock and applies the Paydirt. This time, Dragon’s right in the middle of the ring, and Noble has the legs wrapped tight to prevent an escape. But Dragon won’t give up, even as a frustrated Noble wrenches the hold in tighter. In a last-ditch effort, unable to break the hold, Dragon twists around and puts Noble into a pinning predicament, managing to hook the legs. Noble doesn’t break the hold, but Dragon manages to keep his shoulders down for three! Ultimo Dragon defeated Jamie Noble by pinfall in 0:13:51. Rating: *** 1/4 (Ultimo Dragon retained the WWL Cruiserweight Title.) Noble can’t believe he lost, and Dragon slowly rolls out of the ring to hold his Cruiserweight Title. Noble yells at Dragon that this isn’t over. Carlito pays for services rendered
Backstage, Carlito Caribbean Cool is gearing up for his steel cage match later tonight with Shawn Michaels. He gets up from his bench in the dressing room and grabs an apple, then turns around and freezes. After a pause for emphasis, the camera pans over to Carlito’s left to reveal … Gene Snitsky? CCC: Gene? Uh … whassup, mang? GS (after pausing for some creepily heavy breathing, like always): Hey, Carlito. CCC: Well, uh, it’s good to see you, Gene, but as you can see, Carlito is very busy getting ready for his— GS: We had … a deal. CCC: Well, that really depends on your— GS: The deal was … I beat down Shawn Michaels for you … and you owe me … a favor. CCC: OH! Right, right. Anytime you need anything, you just let Carlito know. Now, I need to— GS: I’m here … to cash in my favor. CCC: Uh, OK. What is it you want? GS: I want something very … very … VERY important to you. CCC: Alright, Carlito is now officially creeped out. What the hell are you— Snitsky doesn’t respond. He just leans in very close to Carlito, breathing his dragon breath in Carlito’s face. Carlito just stands there frozen, having absolutely no idea how he should react to this. After a few tense and wholly uncomfortable seconds, Snitsky’s gaze drifts away from Carlito’s face toward his hand. Carlito slowly glances over to his hand just as Snitsky reaches out and snatches Carlito’s apple away from him. Snitsky slowly examines, the apple, then takes an enormous bite out of it. GS (with his mouth full, spraying bits of apple on Carlito): We’re … even. CCC: That’s it? That’s all you wanted? That’s— GS: Also … I want to tell you … a joke. Carlito’s face scrunches up as he realizes what’s going to happen. GS: What’s blue … and sits in a corner? Carlito doesn’t even respond. GS: A baby … playing … with a plastic bag. Snitsky takes another huge chomp of apple. With his mouth full, he continues. GS: What’s green … and sits in a corner? Carlito subtly wipes apple bits off his face. GS: The same baby … a week later. Snitsky takes another big bite and walks off. Carlito is left with an expression consisting of equal parts confusion and disgust. CCC: That’s not cool. Tag Team Titles: Lords of the Dance (c) vs. Dudley Boyz Both teams make their entrances, but before the match can start, Lamont grabs a mic. L: Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen! The Cat has a very, very important announcement to make! Tell ‘em, Cat! EM: That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! The Cat has a very special gift for each and every one of you! L: In honor of the Lords of the Dance’s first Tag Team Title defense live on pay-per-view, the Cat is going to give each and every one of his fans a dancing demonstration not to be rivaled! Show ‘em, Cat! The Cat’s music cues up again and he makes ready to dance, dance, dance the night away. But before he can, D-Von Dudley nails him from behind and the match it on. The Dudley Boyz take full advantage of having the jump on the Cat at first, but eventually he manages to drag himself over and tag out to L.A. Park, who is able to compete a bit more competently than the Cat. Still, as Park has to compensate for the Cat’s bumbling, he can only hold his own for so long, and the Dudleyz use that advantage, isolating Park for long periods of time early on, with the Cat only making brief cameos in the match’s opening minutes. Eventually, Park makes a blind tag to the Cat while Bubba is beating on him. Bubba locks in a full nelson in preparation for the Bubba Bomb, but Park counters out of it with a jawbreaker and Bubba turns around right into a stiff kick to the face by the Cat. That allows the Lords of the Dance to isolate Bubba for a few minutes, during which most of the work is done by Park. But Park can’t last forever, and finally, Bubba counters a huracanrana attempt by dropping Park with a sitout powerbomb. He eventually makes it over to D-Von and makes the hot tag. D-Von hits the ring and drills Park before he can even tag the Cat. After a few clotheslines by D-Von, the Cat gets into the ring and goes after D-Von, but that’s short-lived and D-Von eventually puts him down with a neckbreaker before going back to work on Park. A rake of the eyes permits Park a brief reprieve, during which he gets two off an enzuigiri and another two off a flying cross body. When he goes for a DDT, though, D-Von escapes and quickly delivers a reverse DDT of his own, then tags Bubba. Park slooooowly starts to regain his footing as the Dudley Boys line up the 3-D. The Cat kicks out Bubba’s knee, taking him out of the equation, but D-Von still hefts Park up and drops him with the flapjack half of the 3-D. Bubba quickly escapes the Cat’s offense and puts him down with the Bubba Bomb. Both Lords are down, and Bubba tells D-Von to GET THE TABLES. D-Von dutifully rolls out of the ring and sets up a table on the outside. The Cat – just wanting to get out of the ring – rolls under the bottom rope, only noticing then that there is a table set up. He tries to get back into the ring, but D-Von grabs him and tries to stop him from getting away. Both men end up on the apron, D-Von hammering away at the Cat as the Cat maintains a death grip on the top rope to avoid the table. While that’s going on, Bubba hauls Park to his feet and looks for the Bubba Cutter, but Park shoves him away and Bubba crashes into D-Von and the Cat, sending both of them off the apron and through the table. Since both guys went through the table, the referee doesn’t call for the disqualification, but as he ponders that decision, Lamont slyly slides one of the title belts in to Park, and he wallops Bubba in the back with it, then tosses it out of the ring. Bubba hasn’t been KO’d, but he’s still stunned, and Park is able to go up top and deliver the Twisting Bodyblock to pick up the win for the Lords of the Dance. The Lords of the Dance (Ernest Miller and L.A. Park) defeated The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) when Park pinned Bubba with the Twisting Bodyblock in 0:08:21. Rating: ** 1/4 (The Lords of the Dance retained the WWL World Tag Team Titles.) Triumphant, Park and Lamont quickly go out and gather up what’s left of the Cat. With titles in hand, they drag the Cat’s unconscious body to the back with much struggling and hilarity. As Lamont and the Lords head to the back, the Dudleyz gradually come to, upset that they’ve once again been denied. Backstage, Lamont and Park continue to carry away the Cat when suddenly his head snaps up. EM: Somebody call my momma! L: Cat! Cat! You did it! You won! EM: You’re damn right the Cat won! I’m the greatest! There is a brief pause. EM: What did I win? Lamont gives a confused look as Park just shakes his head. The Cat looks like he’s about to say something when he conks out again, almost causing Park and Lamont to drop him. They glance at each other, then dutifully continue dragging the Cat back to the dressing room. An oh-so-brief video package recaps the feud between Matt Hardy and Steven Richards, though I’m too lazy to recap my recap. Just read the last few cards like I told you to. They’ll be a lot more help. Really, the video package is only here to transition between the last match and the next one, which is, of course… Steven Richards vs. Matt Hardy Today, Steven Richards appears to be under the impression that he is a robot. Obviously, too much robot movement would completely throw off the timing of the match, so he’s not too obnoxious about it, but still, his movements at first are very robotic when he can make them so. Needless to say, this allows Matt Hardy, who is unfettered by the urge to walk stiffly with his arms at his sides, to take control in the match’s opening minutes. There are moments early on when it seems like Matt might end this one in a hurry. But as we’ve seen lately, Richards isn’t all crazy. After the referee forces a break in the corner, Richards quickly and unexpectedly reaches out and gouges Matt’s eyes, then grabs him and chucks him into the ringpost shoulder-first. Richards shakes off the viciousness shortly afterward, but he still targets Matt’s now-smarting shoulder and arm. Now with an edge, Robo-Richards mechanically (hyuk hyuk) works over Matt’s arm. And on an occasion or two, Richards’ viciousness level rises and he takes some liberties, once grabbing the ropes for leverage during a short arm scissors. Matt has shown himself to be resilient, though, and he’s able to hang on despite the growing pain in his arm and shoulder. Eventually, Matt manages to fight out of a hold and get a brief flurry of offense. As Matt goes up to the second rope, Richards gets back to his feet and heads over there, but Matt kicks him away. Matt comes off the turnbuckle with an elbowsmash to Richards, but he instinctively uses his dominant arm – which happens to be the one Richards has been targeting – and he collapses to the mat in pain after delivering the attack. Both men are down. The two men get back to their feet and have a brief slugfest. Richards, who has two working arms, takes the advantage from that one, but Matt quickly ducks under a clothesline and hits a diving elbowsmash (this time with the uninjured arm) coming off the ropes. Now Matt takes firm advantage, putting Richards down the canvas with a series of clotheslines followed by a gutwrench suplex. Richards breaks Matt’s concentration with a sharp elbow to the face, but as he goes to deliver a haymaker, Matt catches him and counters into the Side Effect. Matt gives the signal for the Twist of Fate and waits for Richards to regain his feet. As Richards gets up, Matt gets him with a kick to the midsection and applies the front facelock for the Twist of Fate, but Richards flails out, grabs the referee by the belt and pulls him to himself, seeing to it that he’s in the way and Matt can’t deliver his finisher. The ref manages to wrench himself away, but he has to wrench pretty hard and he loses his footing for a split second. In that split second, Richards drops down and nails Matt with a low blow. Matt releases the front facelock and Richards quickly follows with the Steven Kick, which is enough to end it. Steven Richards pinned Matt Hardy after a superkick in 0:10:09. Rating: *** ¼ The match is over, but Richards isn’t done – he picks up Matt and delivers the Stevie-T. Richards then heads out of the ring and grabs a chair with evil intentions in his eyes, but he stops before re-entering the ring and throws the chair away. Richards then wanders away from ringside, apparently arguing with himself. HTM: Well, we know Steven Richards is your winner here tonight, but what nobody seems to know is what is going through his head? G: I’m not sure even he knows what’s going on there, but one thing is for sure – this new side of Steven Richards is very unlike the Steven Richards we’ve come to know, and for some reason, he seems to have his sights dead set on Matt Hardy! HTM: I’ve gotta say, I doubt this thing is over between those two, not by a longshot! But I darn sure couldn’t tell you why! G: It may be some time yet before any of us knows – I get the impression that we won’t know what’s going on with that side of Steven Richards until it’s good and ready to tell us! The WWL wastes your time with a video package
A promo plays for next month’s pay-per-view event: Thunderball. It will be highlighted by a 30-man, over-the-top-rope battle royal match dubbed the Thunderball Battle Royal. What? That sounds familiar to you? How very bizarre. I thought it was an entirely original concept. ALAYLEAHHHHHHHLAYLEAHLAYLEAHLAYLEAAAAHHHHH… The audience sets its phasers to “boo” as Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari make their way to the ring. Hassan has a mic, and he’s not about to let us watch one of his matches without a pre-match promo. MH: That’s right, go ahead and boo! There was a time in my life when I believed people would treat me with the respect that I, as an Arab-AMERICAN, deserve. I thought people would be able to look beyond such things as my name, my skin color and my religion and realize that I am no different from them. But every time I come down to the ring, you people prove that you are willfully and unapologetically IGNORANT and BIGOTED. Would you treat any other American the way you treat myself, Daivari and our fellow Arab-Americans? Of course not! You sit there within your comfort zones and thank your GOD that those who surround you are just like you! But let someone named “Muhammad” or “Khosrow” approach you, and suddenly you’re petrified that you’ve got a terrorist right in front of your eyes! KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: Do you have any idea what it’s like for me to have people assume that I am a terrorist, an ENEMY of America, entirely because of the way I look? It’s an absolute insult! You people are unremorseful in your condemnation of me! Do you ever wonder how it is that the enemies of America came to despise America? Because I’d bet anything that it’s not because of their beliefs – it’s because you people made them feel that they HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO HATE YOU! KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: But tonight, I’ll show you once again – even if you won’t acknowledge it – that I am just as deserving of your respect as any other American, and certainly more deserving of your respect than thugs like Rhyno and the Sandman! When I walk out of here tonight the new WWL Intercontinental Champion, you may still not respect me, but deep down, you’ll know in your hearts … that you SHOULD. Hassan raises his arms to the sky in his “Praise Allah” pose as the crowd boos like mad, but that’s only temporary as a bestial snort announces the Arab-Americans’ opponents. The boos turn to cheers as Rhyno and Sandman make their way down to the ring. Extreme Rules match for the Intercontinental Title: Rhyno (c) & the Sandman vs. Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari The announcers give us a quick reminder of the stipulation as this one begins: Though this is a tag team match, the Intercontinental Title is on the line. It doesn’t matter who gets the pinfall; if Hassan’s team wins, he wins the title. Rhyno and the Sandman are ready to go as soon as they hit the ring, but Hassan and Daivari are too smart to just get in there and start brawling – they want to get in their opponents’ heads. Eventually, Hassan starts this one out with Rhyno, but as soon as Rhyno gets an advantage, he escapes and tags in Daivari. Daivari ties up with Rhyno, but again, as soon as Rhyno starts taking the advantage, he tags out. That continues for some time early on, and it’s not limited to tags; Hassan is perfectly comfortable to roll out of the ring when he starts losing, and because there are no countouts in this one, he can hang back for as long as he wants. That means it takes a few minutes for this one to really even get started. Eventually, Rhyno and the Sandman realize they can get away with pretty much anything seeing as this match has no disqualifications, and as Hassan avoids Rhyno in the ring, Sandman sneaks around to Hassan’s corner, yanks Daivari down off the apron and makes with the beating. That distracts Hassan, allowing Rhyno to take control of him and keep him from escaping for an extended period of time. The extreme competitors deliver an extended beating to their opponents, much to the crowd’s delight. And knowing the Sandman, it’s only so long before the weapons come out. First, he pulls a trash can out from underneath the ring and chucks it in for Rhyno to use. Then, he drags Daivari over to the timekeeper’s table, where he happened to leave his Singapore cane, and proceeds to lay into him with it. Inside the ring, Rhyno whacks Hassan in the back with a trash can lid, then picks up a trash can. As Rhyno approaches Hassan, Hassan sees an opening – Sandman has the cane raised over his head to use on Daivari, and in one quick movement, Hassan snatches it out of his hands and nails Rhyno in the gut with it. Hassan follows with a shot to the side of the head as Rhyno doubles over in pain, then turns and delivers a shot to the Sandman that knocks the Sandman off the apron. As Hassan beats on Rhyno in the ring, he takes a quick break to toss the trash can lid out to Daivari, who delivers a brutal shot to Sandman with it. Sandman is down and Daivari re-enters the ring, which means it’s double-team time on Rhyno. The Arab-Americans beat Rhyno down most thoroughly, not letting him get in any offense. Eventually, they prepare to finish it, and Daivari heads up top. But Sandman is back on his feet, and he shoves Daivari off the top rope, causing Daivari to crotch himself on the top rope. Rhyno quickly fells Hassan and as Daivari gingerly untangles himself, Rhyno charges and nails him with a shoulderblock that sends Daivari off the apron and face-first into the announce table. Hassan gets back up and puts Rhyno down with a bulldog just in time to brawl with Sandman as he gets back into the ring. Rhyno gets up before Daivari does, so he and Sandman double-team Hassan for a little while. Eventually, Rhyno tells Sandman to keep Hassan occupied and gets a table from beneath the ring. Rhyno sets up the table in the corner and leans Hassan against it. He heads to the other corner, turns around and charges. But just before Rhyno can Gore Hassan through the table, Daivari pulls Hassan out of the way and Rhyno crashes headfirst through the table. Rhyno falls to the floor outside the ring, out cold. Sandman gets his hands on the Singapore cane again and uses it to fight off Hassan and Daivari at first, but eventually the numbers game gets to him and he gets thoroughly double-teamed, in an ongoing theme in this match. Eventually, Sandman takes advantage of Daivari lowering his head and uses a DDT to take him out of the equation for a while, but Hassan is still healthy and he drops Sandman with the trash can. Hassan gets his hands on the cane and shows just how dangerous he can be with a weapon by wearing the Sandman out with it. In one particularly ruthless instance, he steps on Sandman’s forehead to keep him in place and drills him in the throat with the cane. Hassan steps over the Sandman, gives the throat cut gesture and applies the Camel Clutch to the Sandman. The Sandman looks about ready to give in, but Rhyno is finally back up and he makes the save. Rhyno is going on pure adrenaline here, as it’s clear that he’s still pretty loopy after going through that table. He manages to put Hassan down with a spinebuster, but as he charges in with a Gore attempt, Hassan sidesteps it and nails Rhyno with the trash can lid. He then gets in position to put Rhyno in the Camel Clutch, but the Sandman – also operating mainly on adrenaline – clocks Hassan with his cane, sending Hassan tumbling out of the ring. Sandman follows him out and readies the cane again, but Hassan nails him in the throat and relieves him of the cane, then starts hammering away at him with it. Inside the ring, Daivari gets back up and grabs the trash can lid. He comes off the ropes and goes for a knockout shot on Rhyno, but Rhyno ducks under it, hits the ropes and GORE! GORE! GORES Daivari on the rebound. Rhyno throws himself into a cover and gets the 1-2-3. (Extreme Rules): No-Countout-No-DQ-Match: Rhyno and The Sandman defeated Muhammad Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari when Rhyno pinned Daivari with the Gore in 0:20:02. Rating: ** 3/4 (Rhyno retained the WWL Intercontinental Title) Once he realizes he’s lost, an infuriated Hassan delivers a final kick to the downed Sandman and re-enters the ring with the Singapore cane. But as he raises it above his head, Rhyno manages to nail him with a mini-Gore of sorts to put him down too. Rhyno rolls out of the ring, helps Sandman to his feet and is handed the Intercontinental Title belt. Rhyno raises the belt high as the crowd cheers his hard-fought victory. Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho present: Foreshadowing Theatre
Backstage, Shawn Michaels sits in his dressing room, head down and lips moving silently. He raises his head, eyes still closed, and then gets up from the bench he was sitting on, apparently good and pumped for his steel cage match with Carlito. But as he steps out of his dressing room, he suddenly stops and gets a look on his face as though he’s just eaten something unpleasant. Shawn glares forward as Chris Jericho walks into frame, World Heavyweight Title belt in hand and cocky smirk on face. SM: You know, Chris, it’s funny. I was just thinking it wasn’t nearly obnoxious enough in here, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, you just so happened to walk in. The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways. CJ: Well, if it isn’t Shane Matthews. Say what you will about your mighty savior, Shane, but I’d like to see him accomplish what I’ve accomplished here in the WWL. World Heavyweight Champion, undefeated in singles competition, huge rock star, larger-than-life living legend, rugged good looks… SM: I’ve got places to be, Chris, so I’ll ignore that little nugget of blasphemy and skip straight to the part where I ask you what you’re doing here. CJ: What, do you think I’m here for you, Shane? Oh, don’t flatter yourself. I just needed a moment of solace from Disco and Lenny. Those boneheaded lackeys of mine are playing “Sorry” and they will NOT stop arguing about the rules. SM: I’m so glad we’re having this conversation. CJ: My POINT, Junior, is that I figure you won’t need this dressing room for the rest of the night. After all, you’ve got your match with Carlito, and they’re probably going to be taking you straight to the hospital after that, so I figure I can be undisturbed here for the rest of the evening. Hey, do you know where a guy can get a smoothie around here? Because I could really go for something with strawberries in it. SM: Ohhhh, so you wanted to come wish me good luck tonight. That’s very thoughtful, Chris. CJ: Close enough, I guess. Now, you’ve got a match, so why don’t you just— SM: But let’s be clear about two things. Number one, you’d better be out of here by the time I get done beating that sneaky afro-headed punk within an inch of his life. And number two, after tonight, you’d better keep an eye out for old H-B-K – because after I’m done with Carlito, I’m coming straight for that piece of gold you got hanging off your shoulder. Jericho’s protectively jerks the belt away from Shawn. CJ: You stay away from my precious. SM: Whoa there! Don’t get too worked up, Chris. Maybe you don’t have to worry about me. Jericho’s smile starts to return. SM: ‘Cause maybe after tonight, you won’t even have that belt to put on the line. Maybe it’ll be JBL carrying it around. Or maybe, just maybe … Jericho is now glaring a hole through Shawn. SM: It’ll be Diamond … Dallas … Page. Jericho continues glaring. SM: Excuse me, I have a match. Shawn pushes by Jericho, nudging him out of the way. Jericho just stares after him. Steel Cage match: Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Shawn Michaels You can tell Shawn Michaels just wants to go after Carlito as soon as he steps in the cage, but the wily veteran is too smart for that; he knows it’s just what Carlito is expecting. Carlito, for his part, is nothing if not calm and collected, so despite the bad blood between these two, the bout’s opening minutes are a technical affair, each man angling for an early edge without making himself vulnerable. Carlito gets a few brief advantages early on thanks to heel skullduggery, but it’s never enough to put Shawn in any sort of serious danger. Shawn eventually does manage to get an extended advantage on Carlito, but as soon as he starts building momentum, he starts taking risks, and Carlito makes him pay, eventually evading a charging Shawn and letting Shawn crash into the turnbuckle, then springing off the middle rope to deliver a twisting clothesline to HBK. Rather than go for the cover, knowing there are no pinfalls in the match, Carlito mounts Shawn and fires off with punches. That flurry stuns Shawn, which gives Carlito his first sustained advantage. Knowing how agile Shawn is, Carlito opts to keep him grounded. But Shawn isn’t about to waste too much time in restholds and he eventually fights up to his feet. Trying to put Shawn back down, Carlito tries to toss him face-first into the cage, but Shawn reverses it and sends Carlito into the cage. For good measure, Shawn then throws Carlito into the cage on the other side of the ring and Carlito goes down. Shawn comes off the ropes and fells Carlito with a clothesline as he gets back up. Shawn puts Carlito down a few more times, then tosses him through the ropes into the cage, leaving Carlito tangled between the ropes and the cage. Carlito tries to squirm over to the cage door, but Shawn’s too quick for hin and he drags Carlito back into the center of the ring. Shawn looks for a figure four, but Carlito kicks him off. Carlito gets back up and heads for the door again, but Shawn again cuts him off and goes back to work, taking Carlito down with an armbar and transitioning into a crossface. Shawn’s got the crossface locked in pretty good, but there aren’t any submissions in this match so Carlito has no choice but to wait for Shawn to get bored or look for a way out. Wisely, he opts for the latter. Using the ropes, Carlito fights his way up to his feet, then drops down and grabs Shawn by the tights to send him face-first into the turnbuckle. Carlito pounds Shawn’s face into the turnbuckle a few more times, then unties the turnbuckle pad. He then grabs Shawn by the hair and tries to send him into the exposed turnbuckle, but Shawn stops himself short and tries to do the same to Carlito. Carlito also resists, so Shawn opts instead to elbow him in the face. Shawn gets a few more shots in, then comes off the ropes looking for some flying burrito action, but Carlito hits the deck and Shawn whiffs, landing on his face and rolling under the bottom rope into the cage. Shawn gets back to his feet, using the cage for support, but that’s a bad move as Carlito springs off the second rope and dropkicks Shawn in the back of the head, snapping him face-first into the cage. Shawn clutches his face in pain but doesn’t go down, allowing Carlito to grab him and successfully send him face-first into the exposed buckle. This time, Shawn goes down. Carlito looks pretty satisfied and glances over toward the cage door, thinking maybe it’s time to head out, but when he turns back to check on Shawn, he sees him getting back to his feet with blood pouring out down his face. Carlito gets a devious look on his face, clearly seeing an opportunity to do more damage to Shawn, and he heads back over to him. Carlito pulls Shawn’s head up and starts delivering hard shots, trying to open him up even more. He even bangs his face into the cage again for good measure. Carlito now has a marked advantage and he’s fully prepared to take advantage. He gets puts Shawn down with a facebuster and looks to head toward the door, but he spies Shawn getting back up and goes over to deliver a spinebuster variation. Again, Shawn starts getting up as Carlito tries to leave. Carlito hauls Shawn up, drops him with a bodyslam, then bounces off one set of ropes with a rolling senton and off the other set with an Asai moonsault. Carlito hits him with some more mounted punches and starts to head toward the cage door, but again, he sees Shawn getting back up. Carlito gives off a shout of frustration and heads back over to Shawn. As Carlito comes over, Shawn quickly kicks him in the midsection and drops him with a DDT. Both men are down. Both men stagger to their feet and start up a slugfest. Carlito takes the early advantage, but when he sends Shawn off the ropes for a clothesline, Shawn ducks under it and fells him with the flying burrito. Shawn kips up, but you can tell it just made him dizzy. Inverted atomic drop, clothesline. Shawn goes for a scoop slam but Carlito slips out. Shawn turns around, misses a clothesline, hits the ropes and runs right into a sleeperhold. Shawn tries to fight it, but Carlito has the hold sinched in good and he isn’t as worn out as Shawn is. The sleeper brings Shawn down to his knees, then down to his side. We’re in a cage match here, so Carlito can’t win by knockout, and eventually he just releases the hold with Shawn lying motionless on the ground. But by sheer bad luck for Carlito, Shawn happens to by lying motionless right in front of the cage door, so Carlito has no choice but to attempt an escape by climbing over the top. Winded, he begins the long climb to the top of the cage, but Shawn starts stirring as Carlito is halfway up. Drawing on the JESUS POWER~, Shawn manages to get back to his feet. He grabs the cage bars with both hands and shakes them, but Carlito won’t let go, so Shawn starts climbing up after him. Carlito has to regain his footing after having the cage shaken, so it takes him some time to start climbing again, and Shawn just manages to reach him as he’s about to go over the top. Shawn and Carlito dangerously exchange blows from atop the cage. A hard shot from Carlito gets Shawn dangling by a hand, but Shawn roars back and delivers a shot to Carlito that does the same. Carlito almost loses his grip, but he’s still managing to hang on. Shawn climbs up a little higher, braces his arms on the top of the cage and kicks Carlito in the face, sending Carlito crashing to the mat to a thunderous pop. Shawn is on top of the cage and Carlito is down in the ring. Shawn makes like he’s about to climb over, but then he glances back at Carlito, and you can see he’s trying to make a decision. Finally, Shawn makes his choice – he stands up, almost at the top of the cage, and soars off with a flying elbowdrop to Carlito. HOLY SHIT. Carlito writhes in pain, clutching his chest, before lying still. Shawn, too, isn’t moving. Does either of these men have anything left? Shawn gets up on his feet first. He sees Carlito stirring and, with the crowd behind him, starts tuning up the band. Carlito sloooooooowly gets to his feet and Shawn loads up some Sweet Chin Music, but Carlito ducks it and nails Shawn with a mighty uppercut to the scrotum. Shawn goes down like he’s been shot. Carlito has some respite, and he’s going to take advantage of it, dragging himself toward the cage door. But Shawn grabs him by the leg just as he’s about to escape. Carlito hangs on to the ropes, but Shawn pulls him away and, quick as a flash, locks on a figure four. Carlito is trapped in the hold and can’t get out, but there are no submissions, so Shawn eventually has to let go and starts hauling himself toward the cage door. This time, Shawn is almost out the door – he’s even got his torso out – when Carlito snags him. Shawn kicks Carlito away, but Carlito is still back before Shawn can escape. He drags Shawn to the middle of the ring, then starts heading toward the door himself. Shawn is back up and he spins Carlito around, firing off on him, until Carlito stops him with an eye poke, then quickly delivers the Overdrive. Shawn is out, but Carlito is wiped out and he’s down too. Still, he starts heading for the door once again. As he gets near the door, Carlito looks over at Shawn and sees him still lying motionless on the mat. Carlito decides to take the opportunity to deliver a little more punishment and slowly climbs up to the top rope. He signals like he’s going to deliver a flying elbow – a little revenge for Shawn’s elbow off the top of the cage – but Shawn is back on his feet all of a sudden and he takes Carlito’s feet out from under him, causing Carlito to rack himself. On the exposed turnbuckle. Ouch. Carlito goes cross-eyed from the pain. As Carlito starts to raise his head, Shawn delivers some Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere, causing Carlito’s head to snap back into the cage. Carlito tumbles to the mat between the cage and the ropes, unmoving. That gives Shawn the opening he needs to lug himself out of the cage and down to the floor for the victory. Steel Cage Match: Shawn Michaels defeated Carlito Caribbean Cool by escaping the cage in 0:22:46. Rating: ***** The crowd gives HBK a hell of an ovation for surviving that brutal encounter as he heads back to the locker room. Another video package
To take our attention away from the ring as the cage is raised and Carlito’s remains are collected, we get a video package detailing the build to our WWL World Heavyweight Title match. Featuring a very special appearance by stupid Big Show, who had to injure his stupid knee and force me to stupid replace him in the stupid triple threat match. Huzzah! And now it’s time for our main event!
... In the next post, that is. Sorry, I told you the recaps were going to start out way too long.
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on May 10, 2012 13:14:01 GMT -5
WWL LICENCE TO KILL: JUNE 27, 2005
OK, this is the last of it, I swear.
Triple Threat match for the WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Diamond Dallas Page
You have to feel sorry for these three, having to go on right after that hellacious cage match. In retrospect, I realize it may have been smarter to put a palate cleanser on between Shawn vs. Carlito and this match, but seeing as I actually ran this card many years ago, it’s a little too late to be rewriting history. Aaaaanyway… The referee is a little wary about this one at first, because Jericho has his Jerichoholics to back him up. JBL usually has Jeff Jarrett in his corner, but Jarrett is absent for the moment, probably off sulking somewhere about losing to Rey Mysterio. DDP is a lone wolf, so he has no one. Or he’s just hoping Jarrett will show up at some point and cancel out Jerichoholics Anonymous. To start out, DDP wants Jericho, of course, but Jericho and JBL seem to be on the same page and are looking to knock DDP out of the equation. That’s all well and good, but they can’t seem to decide who should go after DDP first, and DDP eventually gets bored and just charges and hits them both in the back. He then sends JBL out of the ring and goes to work on Jericho. DDP works over Jericho for a little while, with JBL opting to hang back for the time being. When he sees his opportunity, though, he gets back in there and goes after DDP. Jericho then sneaks away, only to go after DDP once he turns things around on JBL. That’s our theme for the opening minutes of the match – DDP mixing it up with one of the two heels while the other heel rests. Obviously, that doesn’t bode well for DDP, and eventually, it catches up to him. Once Jericho – who happens to be resting at the time – notices DDP is having trouble keeping pace with JBL, he heads other there and makes with the double-teaming. DDP tries to fight back, but it’s tough for anyone to overcome double-teaming, and having Chris Jericho and JBL as the double-teamers doesn’t make things any easier. Eventually, a JBL powerbomb with a Jericho assist puts DDP on the mat. JBL takes a minute to gloat, which is what Jericho was hoping for, and he hits JBL in the back. With DDP down, Jericho pounds JBL for a little while until he comes off the ropes and runs into a big boot from JBL. JBL now beats down Jericho for a brief period of time. When he charges with what might be a Clothesline from Hell attempt, Jericho counters with a drop toe hold, then comes off the ropes and hits a facebuster. He then comes off the other ropes and nails JBL with the Lionsault. DDP breaks the pin before Jericho can even get to two. DDP drops Jericho with a back suplex, then kicks the downed JBL in the ribs, causing him to roll out of the ring. Now DDP sets his sights on Jericho. Jericho, realizing he’s now all alone with a good and pissed-off DDP, begs off, but DDP will have none of it. Some token heel offense buys Jericho only the briefest of respites before DDP is unloading on him. DDP can’t keep Jericho down, but he does his damnedest to try, drilling him with a powerslam, then a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, among other offensive maneuvers. After Jericho just barely manages to kick out after a flapjack, JBL, who’s been collecting himself on the outside, decides he shouldn’t leave this to chance anymore and he clubs DDP from behind. He nails DDP with a clothesline in the corner, then a hard scoop slam for two. JBL hauls DDP up and connects with the Last Call for a long two. He then spies Jericho getting up and hits him with the Last Call as well, but gets another long two. Annoyed, JBL tosses Jericho over the top to the outside and goes back to work on DDP. A resthold or two keeps DDP grounded, but the crowd can only endure that for so long and DDP is eventually able to fight out. JBL goes to the eyes to stop DDP’s momentum, then comes off the ropes looking for the Clothesline from Hell, but DDP ducks out of the way. JBL catches a DDP kick, spins him around and eats clothesline. JBL rolls out of the ring for a breather with DDP in pursuit. DDP catches up to JBL and bashes his head into the announce table a few times, then slams his head into the floor. DDP goes for a whip into the ring steps, only to have JBL reverse it and send him hard into the steps himself. That gives JBL an idea, and he gives the steps a hard kick to jar the top part loose. He then picks up the steps to use on DDP, but Jericho comes out of nowhere and dropkicks the steps into JBL’s face. JBL topples over backwards and the steps land on his head. Ouch. JBL ain’t a-movin’, but he’s not about to be pinned in his current predicament, so he’s essentially just been removed from the match (temporarily). Jericho picks up the downed DDP and tosses him in the ring to go to work on him. Jericho drills DDP with a backbreaker, then keeps him held down in backbreaker position, clearly focusing again on the back, which is the area most damaged by the Walls of Jericho. While that’s going on, Jeff Jarrett makes his way down to ringside – come on, you all saw it coming – and gets to work trying to revive JBL, who is still flat on his back outside the ring with the steps comically resting on his face. Well now, DDP isn’t about to give up just yet, and he fights out of Jericho’s submission hold just as he fought out of JBL’s restholds. But his offense is short-lived, as he quickly ends up on the wrong end of the Flashback, after which Jericho applies a bow-and-arrow submission. Amid much pain, DDP manages to roll over on top of Jericho, forcing Jericho to break the hold in order to prevent being pinned. Jericho grabs the legs, looking for the Walls, but DDP kicks him away and gets to his feet just enough to catch a charging Jericho with a knee to the gut. DDP takes some liberties with Jericho, ending when he charges into the corner after Jericho and runs into Jericho’s boot. Jericho goes for a dropkick on the stunned DDP, but DDP catches his feet and quickly manages to apply a Boston crab, clearly taking a jab at Jericho. DDP’s got the hold sinched in good, but Jericho isn’t enthusiastic about tapping out to a watered-down version of his own finisher, and he’s eventually able to reach the ropes. DDP breaks the hold, but he’s also broken Jericho down. He gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter to a big pop as Jericho gets up, but then has to break his concentration to go smack Disco Inferno off the apron. That lets Jericho get DDP with a kick to the midsection, but as he goes for the Breakdown, DDP escapes and counters into the Diamond Cutter! DDP covers! One … two … and JBL breaks the pin just before three! JBL pulls DDP off Jericho and tries to cover Jericho himself, but DDP breaks that up. The two of them slug it out for a minute, then JBL reverses a DDP whip and catches DDP with his head down on the rebound for a DDT. That gets two for JBL. JBL hauls DDP up on his shoulder and gets a running powerslam, but that also gets only two. JBL backs off and loads up another Clothesline from Hell, then charges at DDP as he gets up, but DDP ducks it – and JBL flattens Jericho, who was just getting back to his feet, with it. DDP rolls up JBL – for a very long two. DDP gets JBL with an atomic drop, then a clothesline to the back of the head for two. A gutbuster gets another two for DDP, who is getting fired up here. Over on the other side of the ring, Disco Inferno is frantically trying to wake up his boss. Jarrett happens to be over there too, and the two somehow end up in a shoving match, which lasts about three seconds before Jarrett knocks Disco down and starts kicking at him. In the ring, JBL gets a cheap shot to temporarily stop DDP’s momentum, then looks for another DDT, but DDP grabs JBL’s arm, twists it around and pulls another Diamond Cutter out of nowhere! DDP covers, but there’s no referee! He’s over trying to deal with Disco and Jarrett! One! Two! Three! Four! In a desperate move, Lenny Lane grabs DDP’s leg and tries to pull him off JBL, but DDP kicks Lenny back into the barricade. While DDP is looking away, Jericho runs over and dropkicks him right in his worked-over back, knocking DDP under the bottom rope to the outside. Jericho slides into a cover on JBL as the referee comes back over … one … two … THREE! Triple Threat Match: Chris Jericho defeated John Bradshaw Layfield and Diamond Dallas Page when Jericho defeated Layfield by pinfall in 0:21:40. Rating: *** (Chris Jericho retained the WWL World Heavyweight Title.) The crowd is booing Jericho out of the building as he’s announced the winner and still WWL World Heavyweight Champion. Jerichoholics Anonymous, after they’ve recovered from their brief drubbings, grab the title belt and bring it in to their fearless leader, who, supported by the lackeys who have once again allowed him to remain champion, holds it aloft defiantly. Jarrett checks on JBL as DDP slowly comes around outside the ring. The disappointment is evident on DDP’s face as he realizes he has once again been denied the title and his revenge on Jericho. As DDP stares dejectly at another Jericho victory celebration, we fade to black.
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Post by rey619 on May 11, 2012 3:44:52 GMT -5
I really liked your intro text, so I'll be reading As an avid Chikara-fan, comedy wrestling is right up my alley.
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Post by JoshiQ on May 14, 2012 9:50:14 GMT -5
Loved the pre-show. And just from your first two interview with Noble and DDP, I know I'm going to enjoy this circuit. You have their characters down pat. Law Firm of Mason, Martin, and Bloom is a terrific, original name. Great creativity. Goldust and Rico taking Mason to the back is sure to give people nightmares. Classic stuff with Maria. Jarrett/JBL are intriguing as a pair. Would never have pictured them together. The stuff in the back with Martin, Bloom, and Mason is easily stealing the show. Cracking me up. Was hoping for Noble to pull out the victory, but that's just because I liked his pre-show interview. Your roster so far is good. Names that I actually recognize. And you just sealed the deal with the Snitsky bit with Carlito. Wowza! As disturbing as it was, the stuff with the apple and the baby in the corner, I loved every minute of it. Stevie Richards getting a push is alright with me. I always thought he was under-utilized. The cage match between Michaels and Carlito was a good one. And I'm happy that Jericho retained. He still has to handle Page, and looks like Michaels might be after him as well. I'm not usually into long cards, but you did a good job of keeping this flowing. I also am not normally into people writing out the interviews and so forth because it's near impossible for someone to get all the characters/personalities down. You've done an amazing job with it, however, and it actually feels like I'm reading a recap of a show since the wrestlers sound like themselves. Can't wait for more.
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on May 15, 2012 9:44:27 GMT -5
Joshi, you asked what I meant by "available" wrestlers. That just refers to people who weren't dead, crippled or forcibly retired by this point in time in the real world, as well as people whose careers hadn't really begun yet. As I mentioned, I did take a few liberties on the "retired" part -- Dean Malenko is probably the best example, though he retired by choice and probably could still go at this point in his life. The WWL universe is predicated on effectively all other wrestling promotions and copyrights no longer existing.
Also, all the pay-per-views are named after James Bond movies. Don't ask me why I chose to do this. I will blame demonic possession and then speak in tongues until you slowly back away.
I'll have another card to post later this week, but for now, I thought it might be wise to post the WWL roster, which I had meant to do earlier but didn't.
FACES Bubba Ray Dudley Chris Sabin D-Von Dudley Diamond Dallas Page Funaki Goldust Kane (injured) Konnan Matt Hardy Rey Mysterio Rhyno (WWL Intercontinental Champion) Rico Scotty 2-Hotty Shannon Moore Shawn Michaels The Big Show (injured) The Sandman Ultimo Dragon (WWL Cruiserweight Champion)
HEELS Andrew Martin Carlito Caribbean Cool Chris Jericho (WWL World Heavyweight Champion) Chris Masters Dean Malenko Disco Inferno Ernest "The Cat" Miller Gene Snitsky Jamie Noble Jeff Jarrett John Bradshaw Layfield Khosrow Daivari Kid Kash L.A. Park Lenny Lane Matthew Bloom Muhammad Hassan Rene Dupree Steven Richards Sylvain Grenier
TAG TEAMS Goldust and Rico Jerichoholics Anonymous (Disco Inferno and Lenny Lane) La Resistance (Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier) Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari Rhyno and The Sandman Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom (Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom) The Lords of the Dance (Ernest "The Cat" Miller and L.A. Park) (WWL Tag Team Champions) Ultimo Dragon and Funaki Wrestling Royalty (Jeff Jarrett and John Bradshaw Layfield)
NON-WRESTLERS Christopher Nowinski (Rush commentator, interviewer) Clarence Mason (manages the Law Firm) Garth (Monday Night Action commentator) Honky Tonk Man (Monday Night Action commentator) Jake "The Snake" Roberts (host of the Snake Pit) Lamont (manages the Lords of the Dance) Maria the Mic Stand (interviewer) Miss Jackie (manages Goldust and Rico) Paul Heyman (WWL president) Sean Edmunds (Rush commentator, interviewer)
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on May 21, 2012 9:21:17 GMT -5
WWL MONDAY NIGHT ACTION: JUNE 28, 2005
A video package set to “The Hand That Feeds” by Nine Inch Nails shows us the highlights of last night’s Licence to Kill pay-per-view event. Featured heavily in the reel are Shawn Michaels defeating Carlito Caribbean Cool in a hellacious steel cage match and Chris Jericho retaining the WWL World Heavyweight Title by the skin of his teeth in a triple threat match with Diamond Dallas Page and John Bradshaw Layfield. After that video package, our usual Monday Night Action package, set to “Action” by Powerman 5000, heralds in tonight’s show. G: Good evening, WWL fans, and welcome to Monday Night Action! We’re here live just one day removed from Licence to Kill, where we saw Chris Jericho once again held on to the WWL World Heavyweight Title! I’m Garth, here with my broadcast partner, the Honky Tonk Man! HTM: Boy, it is tough to say what was the bigger story coming out of Licence to Kill, Chris Jericho’s victory in the main event or the tremendous cage match between Shawn Michaels and Carlito! G: After that brutal match, I’ll be surprised to see either of those men here tonight. But the same could be said of the competitors in the main event, and the same, I think, could also be said of Muhammad Hassan, Khosrow Daivari, the Sandman and the WWL Intercontinental Champion, Rhyno! HTM: There are a lot of competitors a little worse for the wear after last night, I’m sure, but I expect we’ll be seeing a lot of them here tonight as we head toward the 30-man, over-the-top-rope battle royal taking place July 31st at Thunderball! G: And indeed, we are to begin finding out right here tonight who will be in that endurance trial of a match! But that’s not all. We’ll also see the WWL Tag Team Champions, the Lords of the Dance, team up with Jamie Noble, the man who nearly became WWL Cruiserweight Champion last night, to face the Dudley Boyz and the WWL Cruiserweight Champion, Ultimo Dragon! HTM: Not to mention Jake “The Snake” Roberts’ guest on the Snake Pit tonight, the man who took the losing pinfall in last night’s main event, John Bradshaw Layfield! The countdown begins on the video monitor. G: And speaking of last night’s main event…
Post-PPV Gloating Theatre with Chris Jericho[/i] After the counter winds down, “Break Down the Walls” cues up and WWL World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho makes his way down the entrance ramp, accompanied by Jerichoholics Anonymous and a chorus of boos. Once in the ring, Jericho instructs Lenny Lane to fetch him a microphone. CJ: Ladies and gentlemen … WELCOME! TO MONDAY … NIGHT … JERICHO! The crowd boos even harder as Jericho adjusts the title belt on his shoulder and gloats. CJ: Yes, once again, your hero, the Highlight of the Night, Y2J himself has overcome odds that would be insurmountable to any mere mortal and retained his WWL World Heavyweight Championship. Any other man would surely have folded in the face of a two-on-one title defense, but not the Ayatollah of Rock ‘n Rollah! No, last night, I did what I always do when the odds are stacked against me! And what is that, Disco? DI: Uh … wear your lucky black socks? CJ: No, you jackass! I mean sure, I admit, I was wearing my lucky black socks last night, but I assure each and every one of you fans that it was only because it was my last clean pair and not because I thought I needed any luck going into Licence to Kill! Though I do have to say that Jubble put up about as good a fight as anyone can hope to put up against a superstar of my amazing caliber, which isn’t saying much, I hope that everyone has taken last night as a lesson. You see, once again, as has happened every time he has been in the ring with moi, that old, crippled, washed-up, ridiculous-hand-signal-giving Diamond Dennis has failed to deliver. Every chance Diamond Dennis has been given, he has failed to measure up to the brightest star in the WWL constellation. And every chance Diamond Dennis shall be given henceforth, he will fail even more resoundingly than he did the time before, until he reaches a level of overall failure so pathetic that he may very well fail to exist altogether. The crowd is booing even harder than it was before. CJ: Hey, It happens more often than you might think. Did you ever wonder what happened to Marty Jannetty? Jericho glares at Disco and Lenny. CJ: Laugh, you idiots! Disco and Lenny fake-laugh in response to Jericho’s lame joke. CJ: But speaking of failures – and, now that I think of it, speaking of Marty Jannetty – I would be remiss if I didn’t mention yet another failure. You see, last night, just mere moments before I stepped through the curtain to the wonder and amazement of everyone in that arena and all the saps watching at home because they were too poor to afford a ticket, I had an encounter with the Heartburn Kid, Shane Matthews. Now, I know you’re thinking, “Chris, you devilishly handsome piece of man, you, didn’t Shane Matthews win his match last night? How is he a failure?” Of course you would think that. You don’t have the amazing cognitive capacities of Y2J. I would respond with mocking laughter, like so. Jericho laughs mockingly. CJ: And after I got done, I would tell you that yes, Shane Matthews was successful in winning his match last night. But did he not say that, after his victory, he would come forth to challenge me for … my precious? Jericho pets his title belt. CJ: Unfortunately, after being beaten resoundingly in a steel cage last night, there’s no way Shane Matthews could possibly have made it to the arena last night. He’s probably still laid up in a hospital bed, cursing fate for not allowing him to be as spectacular as Y2J. And it’s too bad, too. Because if Shane were here, I’d be glad to defend this World Heavyweight Title against him. But alas, luck is not in the cards, and thus, you people must do without seeing Y2J in action here this evening. Do be sure to register your displeasure with Shane Matthews. I’m sure he’ll give you a very nice apology once he regains his mobility. Until then— Dun dun dun dun OHH OHH SHAWN. Jericho gives a look of, “Aw, cripe, are you frickin’ kidding me?” as Shawn Michaels appears on the entrance ramp, a big bloodstained bandage plastered to his forehead from last night’s match. SM: Surprised to see me, Chris? CJ: I’m surprised you have the physical strength to dress yourself. Though I suppose I can’t prove that you actually did. SM: I’ll have to apologize for taking so long to come out here. Y’see, Chris, I knew you were apt to show up and run your mouth, but I didn’t quite expect it to happen to soon. But there I was in the back, trying my best to ignore the nonsensical drivel coming out of your mouth, when suddenly, I heard a hilariously butchered version of my name. And I just had to come out and see for myself just what oh-so-clever words you might have for a man who actually managed to win a match last night without the help of his hired chumps. CJ: Hey! I take offense to the way you’ve referred to Disco and Lenny! I didn’t need the help of those two chumps to win my match! Lenny gives a sideways glance at Jericho for that one, while Disco just gives an enthusiastic “YEAH!” SM: But now, let me get this straight. You were saying that if only I happened to be here tonight, you’d give me a shot at that pretty little title of yours? Well, Chris, in case you didn’t notice, I’m here. So anytime you’re ready to get this show on the road, I’ll be more than glad to come on down to that ring and kick your teeth right down your throat. CJ: Uh … um… Jericho briefly confers with Disco and Lenny, though they both just shrug their shoulders at him. CJ: Well, um, that offer was only valid during the sentence in which it was referred to. So, uh, that means no luck for you tonight. I’d be glad to give you a title shot sometime down the road when you prove yourself worthy … say, when you win the Thunderball Battle Royal? Michaels just rolls his eyes at Jericho and gives him a look of, “Well, I saw that one coming.” But no sooner does Jericho think he has triumphed than Paul Heyman’s smiling face appears on the video monitor. Jericho shoots a distraught look in that direction. CJ: You WOULDN’T. PH: Well, Chris, since the people seemed to be so enthusiastic about seeing you defend your title against Shawn Michaels tonight, it’s my job as a general manager for the people to give them what they want. Tonight – Chris Jericho versus Shawn Michaels, WWL World Heavyweight Title on the line. Jericho throws a conniption fit in the ring as Shawn grins at him. CJ: Damn your timing, Heyman! PH: Good luck, Chris. Jericho continues his rage as Shawn heads back through the curtain and we head to a commercial. Jamie Noble & the Lords of the Dance vs. Ultimo Dragon & the Dudley Boyz[/i] Three titleholders, three guys frustrated at their failures to win those titles last night. The Dudley Boyz are hot to start this thing out with the Lords of the Dance, but Jamie Noble also wants a shot at Ultimo Dragon, so we end up with a somewhat humorous Bubba Ray Dudley-Jamie Noble encounter to start. Though the faces have the initial advantage, the heels take advantage of the fact that with three of them, it’s easier to minimize Ernest “The Cat” Miller’s shortcomings, and eventually they’re able to isolate D-Von Dudley. Of course, the Babyface In Peril never actually gets pinned during his initial period of peril, and D-Von eventually manages to put L.A. Park down with the Saving Grace. He makes the hot tag out to Bubba as Park dives to tag Noble, but accidentally tags the Cat instead. The Cat comes in and gets smacked around by Bubba. When the other heels get involved, Dragon gets in there too. The three-on-two before D-Von recovers briefly allows the heels to stop the faces’ momentum. Noble hits Bubba in the back while his attention is on Park and Park gets him with a DDT. Park covers, but he’s not legal – the Cat is. As Park goes to drag the Cat over to Bubba, Bubba manages to tag Dragon, who takes Noble and Park down with spinning heel kicks in quick succession. Park rolls out of the ring, and after Dragon escapes a double knee gutbuster attempt, he dropkicks Noble out of the ring as well. As Noble and Park recover on the outside, Dragon comes off the ropes and leaps out onto both of them with an Asai moonsault. The crowd voices its approval. Inside the ring, the Cat is back up. He goes to the top rope and comes off with a Feliner attempt aimed at Bubba, but Bubba dodges it. D-Von sneaks into the ring, and as the Cat turns around, he walks right into the 3-D. Dragon re-enters the ring and hits another Asai moonsault onto the Cat to get the pin. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) and Ultimo Dragon defeated The Lords of the Dance (Ernest Miller and L.A. Park) and Jamie Noble when U. Dragon pinned E. Miller after an Asai moonsault in 0:10:14. Rating: *** ¾ Park and Lamont drag the Cat out of there as the faces celebrate. Noble fumes about having lost to Dragon again, even if it wasn’t by pinfall, and menaces him again with his “This isn’t over” face before we head to commercial. Above the Law[/i]
Back from commercial, the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom – minus Clarence Mason, for obvious reasons – is making its way down to the ring. They look decidedly displeased, and in case viewers can’t understand why, a quick highlight reel from Licence to Kill shows the Law Firm losing to Goldust, Rico & Miss Jackie, thus losing Mason to them, and later seeing Mason made up and in drag. Matthew Bloom’s got a mic. MB: All right! I’m gonna make this short and sweet! Rico! Goldust! You two weirdos got one over on us last night, and you’ve had your fun humiliating Clarence! Now let me be very clear: Nobody, but nobody, visits such emotional distress on a member of the Law Firm without paying a steep penalty. So why don’t you two bring your asses out here so I can give you the beating you deserve! AM: And Jackie, too! Don’t you forget to come out here with them! We’ve got a score to settle with you too! Heh heh, “score.” Bloom gives Martin an annoyed look. MB: Well? Let’s hear it! Where are you punks at? The video monitor comes alive with the images of Goldust, Rico and Miss Jackie. Jackie is giving the Law Firm the “ah, ah, ah” finger wag. AM: Hey baby, how you doin’? MB: Will you shut up? OK, you two, how ‘bout it? You ready to suffer some physical trauma? R: Oh, believe me, big boy, there’s nothing I’d like more than to come down there and engage in some … physicality with the two of you. Bloom and Martin both give disgusted looks. R: But I’m afraid that’s not a possibility. G: Yes … it looks like SOMEbody didn’t read the … fine print in the match contract. Goldust gives a creepy Goldust laugh. MB: What the hell are you talking about? Jackie hands Goldust a piece of paper. Goldust scans over it as he talks. G: You see, the match contract states that whomever loses the match will not be permitted to have contact with their former manager while he or she is under the employ of the winners. And if the winners of the match should be in close proximity to the losers’ former manager, neither shall the losers have contact with the winners. So you see, as long as we keep Clarence … close… Goldust bites the air. G: … I’m afraid none of you can come close to us. MB: WHAT? That’s ridiculous! There’s no way we would have missed such a preposterous clause! I know I didn’t see it in the contract. Martin, did you? Bloom glances over at Martin and notices the “Oh shit!” look on his face. MB: DID YOU? AM: Come on, dude. I thought we were gonna win. I didn’t want those two creeps interrupting my quality time with Jackie, know what I’m saying? Facepalm by Bloom. R: But don’t worry, boys. It so happens that if one of you is ready for … action … there’s someone more than ready to come down there and have some fun with you. AM: Giggity giggity giggity— Martin’s lecherousness is cut off by a loud bestial roar. Looks like it’s not Miss Jackie who’ll be heading to the ring, but Rhyno, who I guess was about ready to come out for his nightly open challenge. A brief communication between Martin and Bloom makes it clear that Bloom will be the one competing.
Intercontinental Title: Rhyno (c) vs. Matthew Bloom [/i] If Jim Ross were doing commentary, he would tell you this is not likely to be a particularly scientific affair. And he would be right, as this one kicks off with a whole heck of a lot of brawling. Bloom is pissed off over what just transpired, and Rhyno has an in-ring style that is pretty much a permanent stated of pissed-offedness, so we’d best get ready for some serious punchy-kicky-stompy. Rhyno gets the first advantage after Bloom misses a charge into the corner, but Bloom eventually gets the advantage back after Rhyno gets distracted by Martin outside the ring. When Bloom sets up Rhyno for the Lawsuit (the Derailer), Rhyno fights out with body blows and gets a powerslam for two. Rhyno lines up Bloom for the Gore, but Martin grabs Rhyno’s leg while the referee is looking at Bloom. Rhyno is able to shake Martin off, but that gives Bloom a chance to recover and floor Rhyno with a bicycle kick. Bloom says this one’s over, but lo and behold, who should appear in the entranceway but Miss Jackie? Martin is immediately distracted and he slowly starts heading in that direction, only to be met with a horrifying sight – Clarence Mason being pushed through the curtain by Rico, dolled up in eyeshadow and a short, glittery skirt! That gives Martin pause, and also captivates the attention of Bloom in the ring. Bloom yells at Martin to go take care of that situation and Martin heads up the ramp, but Rico and Jackie beat a hasty retreat with Clarence in tow. Bloom, meanwhile, turns around and eats GORE! GORE! GORE! This one’s over. Rhyno pinned Matthew Bloom with the Gore in 0:06:36. Rating: 1/2* (Rhyno retained the WWL Intercontinental Title.) Martin pauses briefly when he sees Bloom has lost, then quickly runs back to the ring and rolls the dazed Bloom out of there, helping him to the back after their adversaries as we go to commercial. The Humiliation Conga continues[/i]
Coming back from commercial, Gene Snitsky is making his entrance for his match. But right now, there’s a backstage confrontation going on. As we cut to the back, we see Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom being restrained by a mass of security guards as they try to get at Rico, Goldust and Miss Jackie, who are blocking the lovely Clarence Mason from getting anywhere near his charges. Rico leans forward, all smiles, at Martin and Bloom. R: Sorry, sweethearts, but you know the rules. Take ‘em away, boys! The security guards go through the process of removing Martin and Bloom from the building as they protest, threatening legal action. Some lawyers they are. Anyway, let’s get us back to the ring for what promises to be a technical masterpiece.
Gene Snitsky vs. Konnan [/i] As these two masters of mat mechanics prepare to lock up, Gene Snitsky asks for a mic and addresses his opponent. GS: Before this match starts, I would like to give you … a gift. I would like to tell you … a joke. The crowd doesn’t like where this is going. Konnan just rolls his eyes. GS: How do you stop a baby … from crawling around … in circles? Konnan does not respond. He just shakes his head. GS: Nail … its other hand … to the floor! Konnan just looks grossed out. And Konnan probably has a high tolerance for disgust, too. GS: You didn’t like … my joke? Usually, this is where Snitsky attacks his opponent. But Konnan shows some smarts for once and attacks Snitsky before he gets a chance. The match is on! … Of course, it really isn’t much of a match. Konnan gets some brief offense to start out, but against a monster like Snitsky, it’s going to take more than a sneak attack to pick up the victory. Snitsky eventually breaks through Konnan’s offense, ducking a clothesline and pulverizing Konnan with a clothesline of his own. From there on, it’s almost all Snitsky. Toward the end, Konnan does manage to connect with a rolling clothesline, which pops the crowd if nothing else. Konnan sets up for a sitdown faceslam, but Snitsky breaks his grip and nails him with a headbutt. Snitsky waits for Konnan to get up and flattens him with a big boot. Snitsky says this one’s over, hauls Konnan to his feet and ends it with the Pump-Handle Slam. Gene Snitsky pinned Konnan with the Pump-Handle Slam in 0:04:14. Rating: *** Wow, three stars for four minutes of Konnan and Snitsky? Those must be for keeping it mercifully short. Snitsky’s got a mic as he stands over the downed Konnan. GS: When people don’t laugh at my jokes … that makes me ANGRY! So that WASN’T … MY … FAULT! Snitsky stomps away from the ring. The commentators casually mention that Snitsky is entered in the Thunderball Battle Royal, but cryptically note that his name was not the first to be put into the hat. The Snake Pit[/i]
Coming back from commercial, Jake “The Snake” Roberts is in the ring for his show. JR: Welcome to the Snake Pit. Requisite crowd pop. JR: Tonight, my guest is the man who took the losing pinfall in last night’s main event. Please welcome John Bradshaw Layfield. DING DING DING DING DING DING DING. “Longhorn” cues up as a surly-looking JBL makes his way to the ring. Conspicuous by his absence is Jeff Jarrett. JR: Good to have you here, John. JBL: Jake, before we do this, I wonder if I could ask you one question. JR: By all means. JBL: Just who the hell do you think you are? The crowd boos, but Jake doesn’t even react. JBL: You have the gall, the audacity, to introduce me as “the man who took the losing pinfall?” As if that were the only thing I did last night? Don’t you dare forget that for damn near 25 minutes, I battered both Chris Jericho and Diamond Dallas Page from pillar to post, and it was nothing but sheer dumb luck that Jericho happened to keep my shoulders down – BARELY – for a count of three! So who are you to introduce me as a loser? Jake just smiles at JBL. JR: Have I done something to give you the impression that I’m afraid of you? JBL gets in Jake’s face. But Jake just keeps staring him down. Finally, Jake brings his mic between his face and JBL’s. JR: Peace, John. We have better things to do tonight than fight each other. JBL, still glaring at Jake, backs off. JR: But now that Licence to Kill is over, my question to you is, what now? Where does JBL go from here? JBL: I shouldn’t have to go anywhere from here. The only reason I didn’t walk out of Licence to Kill the WWL World Heavyweight Champion is because the match was not one-on-one. For months, I’ve been asking for a one-on-one title match, but every time, Paul Heyman denies me. So I’ll tell you this, Jake. My assured championship reign is just a single one-on-one title match away. Because one-on-one, there is not a single soul in the WWL who can hold up to a Wrestling … GOD. JR: Well, it’s true, JBL, that your title match was not one-on-one. And it’s true that you have yet to receive a one-on-one title match in WWL. JBL gives a look that says “of course.” JR: But when you say you can’t be beaten one-on-one … well … I have to disagree with you. Surely, you don’t think everyone has forgotten last week, when your shoulders were pinned to the mat for a count of three by Diamond Dallas Page? JBL: You call that a one-on-one match? It might as well have been a Triple Threat match too, the way Chris Jericho kept getting involved! I could have easily taken care of Diamond Dallas Page if not for Jericho’s meddling! JR: Well then, JBL, I suppose the question is, what makes you think you’re going to be given another title shot after losing last night? JBL: I’ll be given another title shot because even Paul Heyman can’t deny that there is no WWL competitor who can hold a candle to me! Even now, the people chant the name of the man they want to see as WWL World Heavyweight Champion! J-B-L … J-B-L… Again, for the sake of accuracy, the crowd is not chanting that. JBL: All I need is one chance to prove myself, one-on-one, against ANYONE who dares to step in the ring with me, and it will be clear that there is no one in the WWL more worthy of a title shot than J-B-L! PH: JBL … don’t you ever get tired of begging for title shots? Paul Heyman has popped up on the video monitor. JBL turns to look up at the monitor with an angry look on his face. JBL: Heyman, you and I both know I shouldn’t have to ask for a title shot! We both know that it is a travesty of justice that I have yet to be given a one-on-one title shot! PH: Well, JBL, since you’re so insistent that you cannot be beaten one-on-one, I’m going to give you a chance to prove it tonight. The winner of this match will receive a shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title July 31st at Thunderball. And since Jeff Jarrett was unable to make it to the arena tonight, I know it will be truly one-on-one – JBL versus … Rey Mysterio! The crowd pops for Mysterio’s name. JBL: Heyman, you know I don’t need to beat Rey Mysterio to deserve a title shot. But I’ve beaten Rey Mysterio before, and I’ll be glad to beat him again tonight to prove to you what you should already know – that there is no WWL competitor greater than J-B-L! PH: Well, JBL, I’m glad to see you’re looking forward to your match, because it’s coming up … oh, I don’t know… Heyman looks at his watch. PH: … Right now! The crowd cheers. Though JBL was lucky enough to wear his wrestling gear down to the ring, he clearly isn’t too happy about having his match right now. Heyman disappears from the video monitor. As JBL stares toward the entranceway, Jake sneaks up behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder, causing JBL to jump. JR: I just want to wish you good luck, JBL. Because if you lose tonight, I imagine it’s going to be a long, long time before you see yourself in another title match… Jake leans in close. JR: … Trust me. We cut to commercial as the ring crew begins clearing out the Snake Pit set. For a WWL World Heavyweight Title shot: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Rey Mysterio [/i] JBL has determination in his eyes, as he is dedicated to getting another title shot. But Rey Mysterio is coming off a big win last night over JBL’s comrade-in-arms, Jeff Jarrett – who, the announcers note, is not in the arena tonight for personal reasons – and is hoping to carry the momentum forward into a title match. Knowing how frustrated JBL is over his loss last night, Mysterio spends the opening minutes of the match focusing more on dodging JBL’s attacks than on fighting back, just to get JBL’s dander up. He eventually manages to put JBL over the top with a headscissor takedown, angering JBL further. Rey then springs from the second rope to the outside with a plancha, but JBL catches him, turns him sideways and sends him into the ringside barrier with the Last Call. That leads to a period of sustained dominance by JBL, but try as he might, he can’t keep the smaller man down. That just has the effect of further frustrating JBL and damaging his concentration. Finally, Rey manages to break JBL’s advantage, countering a powerbomb attempt into a swinging DDT. That puts both men down. Both men get to their feet and a slugfest ensues. JBL’s blows hit harder than Rey’s, but Rey just keeps coming back for more, eventually dodging a punch and kicking at the legs of JBL. Rey gets a near-fall off a spinning heel kick to JBL, then another near-fall after a wheelbarrow bulldog. JBL catches Rey with a big boot as Rey comes off the ropes and covers for a near-fall of his own. A sidewalk slam by JBL gets him another long two-count. JBL whips Rey into the corner and comes off the ropes as Rey stumbles out of the corner, looking for the Clothesline from Hell, but Rey counters into a drop toe hold that puts JBL on the second rope. Rey runs off the opposite ropes and … 619! JBL is knocked back to center ring! Rey springs to the top rope and comes off looking for the West Coast Pop, but JBL ducks. Rey leaps over JBL, goes into a roll, and turns around just in time to catch JBL in the face with a dropkick. Rey goes up to the top rope, but JBL recovers quickly and nails Rey with a shot to the midsection. JBL climbs up with Rey and launches him across the ring with a second-rope Last Call. With Rey down, JBL calls for the Clothesline from Hell again. He sends Rey across the ring with an Irish whip, then comes off the opposite ropes himself, swinging for the fences with the Clothesline from Hell. But Rey catches JBL’s arm and counters into a crucifix pinning combination, just barely keeping JBL’s shoulders down for the three-count! Number-One-Contenders-Match: Rey Mysterio pinned John Bradshaw Layfield after a crucifix in 0:12:17. Rating: *** ½ Rey quickly rolls out the ring before it sinks in to JBL that he’s lost again. If JBL was frustrated before, he’s now incredibly frustrated, judging from the look on his face. JBL angry! JBL smash![/i]
We come back from break to see JBL on a rampage backstage, smashing anything that looks smashable out of frustration. Sean Edmunds unwisely approaches him. SE: JBL! If I can have just a minute— JBL grabs Edmunds by the collar. JBL: If you’ve got a brain in your head, you skinny little punk, you’ll get out of my face before I do something you’ll regret! Edmunds scampers off. JBL sets about clearing off a buffet table. We head back to ringside. La Resistance vs. Goldust & Rico [/i] Without the Law Firm to worry about, Goldust & Rico have brought Clarence Mason, still dolled up all purty-like, with them to the ring. La Resistance are about as put off as a couple of Frenchmen presented with an unwilling cross-dresser (not to mention a willing one and a guy who wears makeup and sparkle glitter) can get. Their unease is clear throughout this match; La Res hold the occasional advantage, but they spend a lot of time being creeped out by Clarence and distracted by Miss Jackie. Goldust and Rico, for their part, keep the offense as unsettling as possible for their opponents. La Resistance manage to get something of an edge when Rene Dupree clubs Rico from behind as Rico tries to bounce off the ropes. They briefly double-team Rico until Goldust comes in and takes down both Frenchmen with a double clothesline. He sets up Sylvain Grenier up for some Shattered Dreams, but just before he can deliver it, Dupree drops Goldust with a clothesline. Another clothesline attempt results in Dupree being backdropped out of the ring by Goldust. Grenier gets out of the corner and sends Goldust off the ropes, but when he lowers his head as Goldust rebounds back, Goldust hits the deck and nails Grenier with an uppercut. That spins Grenier around right into the Sudden Impact from Rico, and that’s all she wrote. Goldust and Rico defeated La Resistance (Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier) when Rico pinned S. Grenier with the Sudden Impact in 0:05:10. Rating: ** Goldust and Rico celebrate their victory with Jackie and a very, very unhappy Clarence Mason, who just looks defeated. Cheap Heat 101[/i]
After a promo package for the replay of Licence to Kill, it’s time for some ALAYLEAHHHHHHHLAYLEAHLAYLEAHLAYLEAAAAHHHHH… Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari, looking even less happy than usual, head down to the ring. MH: Well, I’ll bet you people were all just overjoyed to see what happened at Licence to Kill, huh? The crowd cheers. KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: The good guys won, right? They vanquished the bad guys? How very typical of Americans like you, looking at myself and Daivari as bad guys! It’s perfectly ridiculous that you people would regard foreigners unequivocally as bad guys, but it’s even more ridiculous that you would regard Daivari and myself as villains, despite the fact that we are no less American than all of you! And even more absurd than that is the fact that you would regard as the good guys two thugs dedicated to violence and weapon usage in Rhyno and the Sandman! It just goes to show how utterly ignorant you people are! KD: (says something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: You can’t even FATHOM the thought that two Americans with names like “Muhammad” and “Khosrow” might be good guys, can you? NO! You look at us and judge us based on our looks, judge us because you’ve been told that people of our descent are bad people! And yet, you respect a brute like Rhyno? Why? Because he comes to the ring and takes on all comers? Well, fine then! If that’s what you ignorant people want to see, then that’s what I’ll give you! Anyone who wants to come down to this ring and challenge me is welcome! But I think you’ll find that, just like your soldiers overseas, whoever comes forward to challenge the great Muhammad Hassan will find it impossible to truly overcome the “bad guys!” The crowd boos viciously. They HATE that man. But no sooner has Hassan put out his challenge than HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE~ erupts from the entranceway and Kane makes his return! The Big Red Machine enters the ring and heads for Hassan, but Hassan still has his microphone. MH: So you’re the hero, huh? You’re the kind of person these people will cheer as the good guy against me, the bad guy? Well, now you have the chance to play the hero against … Daivari! Daivari has sneaked around behind Kane and he nails him in the back. The bell rings and, as Hassan ducks out of the ring, the match is on!
Khosrow Daivari vs. Kane [/i] Kane completely no-sells Daivari’s attack from behind and turns around to glare at him. Daivari takes more shots at Kane, but he’s going to have to work harder than that to get Kane to sell. Finally, Daivari pokes Kane in the eye, and that at least makes the big man flinch. Daivari tries to keep his advantage by going after the legs and keeping the attacks coming, but that only works for a short while before Kane takes over and completely dominates his much smaller opponent. Most of the match is Kane killing Daivari, though Daivari does get another brief advantage by taking Kane down with a neckbreaker after Hassan distracts Kane, but again, it doesn’t last. Kane puts Daivari down with his top-rope clothesline, cocks the arm back, and goozles Daivari as he gets back to his feet. Before he can deliver the Chokeslam, Hassan is in and he clips Kane’s knee, drawing the DQ. Kane defeated Khosrow Daivari by disqualification in 0:03:36. Rating: * ½ The attack to the knee knocks Kane down to a knee, and Hassan and Daivari stomp at Kane while he’s down. But he quickly shakes it off, reaches up and catches both men in a double goozle. They escape with stereo kicks to the midsection and come off the ropes, but Kane drops them with a double clothesline and they roll out of the ring. Hassan and Daivari retreat, swearing vengeance, as Kane blows his corner pyro in victory. DDP talks opportunity[/i]
Tonight’s main event is right around the corner, but first, we cut to the back where Maria the Mic Stand is preparing for another stellar interview. MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Diamond Dallas Page. Diamond, your thoughts on your match? DDP: Please call me Dallas. Maria stares blankly and does not respond. DDP: I suppose it won’t do much good for me to tell you I don’t have a match tonight, either. Maria continues staring blankly. DDP: Well, there’s no way of getting around it. Last night, I once again had the opportunity to beat Chris Jericho and capture the WWL World Heavyweight Title. And once again, I fell just short. I could stand here and make excuses about why that happened, but when you get to be my age, you don’t have time for excuses. So I won’t make any. But I will say this: Chris Jericho has not seen the last of me. And the next time I get him in the ring with that WWL World Heavyweight Title on the line, there ain’t nothing in the world that’s gonna save him from the Master of the Diamond Cutter. The tape recorder in Maria’s head rewinds. MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Diamond Dallas Page. Diamond, your thoughts on your match? DDP: I’ll ignore that. The thing is, before I can get another shot at that title, I’ve got to prove myself worthy. So earlier today, I went and talked to Paul Heyman, and he gave me my chance. He made my name the first entered in the 30-man, over-the-top-rope Thunderball Battle Royal. That’s 29 guys I’ve gotta go through before I can have my shot at the championship, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Whether it’s Chris Jericho, whether it’s Shawn Michaels or whether it’s Rey Mysterio, I’m coming. And the first thing I’m going to do is see to it that on July 31st, 29 other men FEEL … THE … BANG! Back from commercial, it’s time for our MAAAAAAAIN EVENT. WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Shawn Michaels [/i] We get a slow start to this one, as both of these guys are still pretty banged up from Licence to Kill. After an initial feeling-out period, Jericho takes the early advantage by taking a cheap shot after a separation in the corner and tagging Shawn right in his bandaged forehead. Jericho beats on Shawn for a little while, but Shawn eventually comes back out of nowhere, catching Jericho with a Thesz press as he comes off the ropes and hammering away at him. After smacking Jericho around for a little while, Shawn sets him up for a piledriver, but Jericho takes him down and tries to counter into the Walls of Jericho. Damage from Licence to Kill notwithstanding, Shawn is too fresh for that to work and he captures Jericho in a small package for two. Jericho hits a back elbow to Shawn’s bandaged head to stagger him, then nails him with a facebuster. Jericho goes for the Lionsault, but Shawn gets the knees up. As Jericho gets back to his feet, Shawn clotheslines him over the top to the outside. Shawn gets a running start and leaps through the ropes onto Jericho with a suicide dive, putting both men down. Shawn gets to his feet first, but before he can start back in on Jericho, Jerichoholics Anonymous get too close. Shawn puts both of them down with right hands, then re-enters the ring. Jericho gets up to follow him, but as the referee reaches a count of nine, Jericho chickens out and gets back down off the apron. Before Shawn can figure out where this is going, the referee counts Jericho out. Shawn Michaels defeated Chris Jericho by countout in 0:07:40. Rating: *** 1/2 (Chris Jericho retained the WWL World Heavyweight Title.) The crowd does not like that one at all. Two guys like Jericho and Michaels can put on an incredible match, but Jericho practically ended this one before it started by letting himself get counted out – meaning he retains the WWL World Heavyweight Title. Shawn protests the decision to the referee, but a countout’s a countout and there’s nothing he can do about it now. An upset Shawn gives Jericho a death glare as he retreats to the back, flanked by Jerichoholics Anonymous and still the champion. G: What a joke! I thought we were guaranteed a hell of a match, but Chris Jericho took the easy way out! HTM: He may have taken the easy way out, but it was still a way out and Y2J is still the champion! We may not like it, but he did what he had to do! G: Jericho may have survived tonight, but he’s got Rey Mysterio waiting down the road at Thunderball, and if he survives that, he’ll have the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal looking for him too! But we’ll have to find out next week who else is entered in that 30-man battle royal, because we’re out of time! I’m Garth, for the Honky Tonk Man! Good night! Card rating: ** ¾ Matches signed for Thunderball: Thunderball Battle Royal for a WWL World Heavyweight Title shot: Diamond Dallas Page, Gene Snitsky, 28 yet to be announced WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on May 25, 2012 9:11:05 GMT -5
WWL RUSH: JULY 3, 2005
The dulcet tones of the theme from “Celebrity Deathmatch” fill the TV screen as the usual video package opens Rush.
SE: Folks, it is once again B-show time in WWL land! Welcome to Rush! I’m Sean Edmunds, and with me, as always, is Christopher Nowinski! CN: Sean, it was a mere 168 hours ago that the WWL put forth yet another wondrous pay-per-view event as Licence to Kill lit up television sets! We saw numerous issues continue from Licence to Kill to Monday Night Action this past week, and we may see the next chapter in yet another battle here tonight on Rush! SE: That’s right, Chris. Steven Richards and Matt Hardy had a brutal battle at Licence to Kill, but that match seemed to raise even more questions than it answered about what’s going on in Steven Richards’ head. CN: Yes, but we may yet find out tonight just what issue Steven Richards’ mental state is in as he competes in singles competition against Shannon Moore. Or, as is equally possible, we could see the next development tonight in Matt Hardy’s match as he goes one-on-one with Dean Malenko! SE: Plus, we’ll see if Kid Kash can keep his winning streak alive when he goes up against Scotty 2-Hotty, and the always-controversial Muhammad Hassan will also be in action. Right now, let’s head down to the ring for Matchup Numero Uno! Steven Richards vs. Shannon Moore[/i] Steven Richards’ evil side is apparent as he heads down to the ring. But as soon as the bell rings, his insane side makes a comeback. He seems to be under the impression that he is a boxer, doing some fancy footwork and throwing jabs. Of course, this would be a pretty sorry excuse for a match if all Richards did was punch, so he does actually wrestle, but whenever there’s a break in the action or Richards has a pronounced advantage, the jabs and footwork come out again. Eventually, that allows Shannon Moore an opening, and he takes full advantage, even getting a very close two-count off a Mooregasm; only Richards getting a foot on the rope saves him from the loss. Moore heads up to the top rope, looking for the Halo, but Richards brutally shoves him off the top rope to the outside, and Moore crashes and burns. Suddenly, Richards’ silly side is gone, and he slowly heads to the outside and sends Moore face-first into the ringsteps. Moore is out on his feet as Richards rolls him into the ring, and the Stevie-T is academic. Steven Richards pinned Shannon Moore with the Stevie-T in 0:06:08. Rating: ** Post-match, Richards stands over the downed Moore, a wicked expression on his face. It looks like he’s considering attacking Moore again, but after a few seconds, he shakes it off and wanders to the back, arguing with himself. Oh, that nutty Richards[/i]
Coming back from commercial, the cameras catch Steven Richards backstage yelling at himself and pounding on his head. SR: I TOLD YOU I DON’T NEED YOU! You are not the solution! You only ever create more problems! We both know this is going to end the same way it always does, and we are not doing that again? Do you understand me? Richards spots the camera. SR: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! Richards pushes the camera man away and closes a door in his face. Still more questions than answers. Kid Kash vs. Scotty 2-Hotty[/i] Kid Kash is 4-0 in singles competition in the WWL and is looking for win No. 5. But Scotty 2-Hotty isn’t just going to roll over for him. We get a decent back-and-forth match here; Kash may be undefeated, but he doesn’t spend an inordinate amount of time with the advantage. He does get the first major advantage, catching Scotty with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker coming off the ropes. But when he gets Scotty hooked up in a double underhook, Scotty twists his way out and connects with a DDT. Eventually, Kash breaks Scotty’s advantage by catching him with a spinning heel kick as Scotty comes off the ropes. Kash eventually calls for the end and hoists Scotty up for the Dead Level, but Scotty slips out, ducks under a clothesline and hits his facebuster. Scotty plays to the crowd, W-O-R-M turns and sees Kash has already gotten to his feet. Scotty charges and gets backdropped to the apron. Kash turns around and gets nailed in the face, staggering away from the ropes. Scotty springboards in but Kash drills him with a brutal kick to the midsection as he does, dropping Scotty to his knees. Scotty’s just gotten the wind knocked right out of him, which makes it all the easier for Kash to pick him up and deliver the Dead Level to win it. Kid Kash pinned Scotty 2-Hotty with the Dead Level in 0:07:51. Rating: *** ¾
Coming back from commercial, ALAYLEAAAAAHHHHH… Cue the boos as Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari make their way down to the ring. Arch Kincaid is already in the ring and ready to compete. Muhammad Hassan vs. Arch Kincaid (unsigned)[/i] Hassan jumps on Kincaid as soon as the bell rings. The commentators tell us he’s going to make an example of Kincaid and bring up Hassan’s loss at Licence to Kill to Rhyno in that extreme rules tag team match. Hassan beats Kincaid down right from the start with punchy-kicky-stompy-chokey. Kincaid gets some right hands in after Hassan misses a clothesline, but Hassan quickly stops that momentum with a knee to the midsection. Hassan chokes Kincaid with the ropes, and when he argues with the ref over that, Daivari gives Kincaid a good solid slap just to be a dick. Hassan takes over on Kincaid with some standard heel offense. To his credit, Kincaid kicks out after a swinging neckbreaker. He even backdrops his way out of a piledriver attempt and gets some desperate offense in on Hassan; a few clotheslines, a dropkick. But Hassan ends that with an elbow to the side of the head and takes over on offense. Modified STO puts Kincaid down, and Hassan transitions into the Camel Clutch. Kincaid ain’t getting out of that. Muhammad Hassan made Arch Kincaid submit to the Camel Clutch in 0:03:58. Rating: * ¾ Whose idea was it to hand Matt Hardy a mic?[/i]
Our main event is up in a minute. But first, Funaki is backstage with Matt Hardy. F: This Funaki, WWL NUMBAH ONE announcer. I here backstage with Matt Hardy Veeeeee-One-ah. Matt, what is up with Steven Richards? MH: Look, I don’t claim to understand what goes through that man’s head. At Licence to Kill, he beat me. He had to hit me below the belt to do it, but he beat me. The next time he and I get in the ring, the result will be very different. But when that happens is up to him now, because I don’t know what he’s thinking and I don’t want to know. F: Is he crazy? MH: There’s only one person who knows the answer to that question. Right now, I’m just going to concern myself with looking over my shoulder. Matt heads out to the ring for our B-show MAIN EVENT. Dean Malenko vs. Matt Hardy[/i] In a twist of irony, the crowd, ‘twould seem, has gotten a little bit bored of directing “boring” chants at Dean Malenko, so they’re nice enough to not do it at first. That’s good, because the opening minutes of the bout are anything but boring; these two guys can both put on a hell of a technical clinic, and that’s precisely what they do, even if I’m too lazy to give it the kind of detailed recap that would do it justice. Matt Hardy’s the face and he has the momentum going into this one, so he controls things for a while at first, even laying in some of the restholds Malenko has gotten a bad reputation for lately (but in a thrilling, fast-paced kind of way, I assure you!). But after a few minutes, Steven Richards appears up in the entranceway and slowly makes his way down to the ring. He doesn’t get involved, though; he just takes a seat on the announce table. His presence distracts Matt, though, which leads to Matt running into a bitchin’ tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Malenko. Malenko works over Matt’s back but, of course, Matt Hardy WILL NOT DIE and he doesn’t submit to Malenko’s various submission holds. Eventually, Matt manages to escape another tilt-a-whirl attempt and connect with a reverse DDT. When both men get back to their feet, Malenko goes for some sort of arm twist, but Matt just fights out of it with right hands. That’s not how you win a slugfest, Dean! Matt gets the “AHHHHHH!” elbow smash for two and a Side Effect for another two. Matt signals for the Twist of Fate, but as he gets Malenko in a front facelock, he spies Richards slowly getting down from the announce table, staring at the ring. Matt pauses long enough for Malenko to counter into a Northern Lights suplex for a long two. Malenko briefly locks in a bow-and-arrow, but the crowd starts pissing him off with the “boring” chants again, and he breaks the hold and gets an overhead gutbuster instead. He goes to lock in the Texas Cloverleaf, but the chants are distracting him. Matt struggles, and though Malenko does eventually get it locked in, by the time he does, Matt is close enough to the ropes to reach out and grab them, forcing a break. Malenko shouts at the ref in frustration for making him break the hold. He turns back to Matt, who’s just gotten back to his feet, and Matt nails a quick kick to the midsection and follows with an out-of-nowhere Twist of Fate. It’s over. Matt Hardy pinned Dean Malenko with the Twist Of Fate in 0:10:25. Rating: **** Steven Richards continues to stare at Matt with a dead look in his eyes. Matt doesn’t remove his eyes from Steven as the referee raises his hand in victory, but Richards doesn’t approach the ring – he just walks away, keeping his eyes locked on Matt. SE: Matt Hardy is the winner tonight, but it doesn’t look like we’re any closer to figuring out what’s going on in Steven Richards’ head! CN: Indeed, Sean, Richards’ behavior of late is nothing short of an enigma. It may be many a fortnight before we discover his true motivations. SE: Maybe we’ll learn more tomorrow on Monday Night Action! But for now, we’re out of time! This is Sean Edmunds and Christopher Nowinski signing off for WWL Rush!
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on May 30, 2012 9:56:23 GMT -5
MONDAY NIGHT ACTION: JULY 4, 2005
Your friendly neighborhood video package welcomes us to Monday Night Action, but instead of "Action" by Powerman 5000, it is set to "America, Fuck Yeah!" from "Team America: World Police," with the swear words tastefully censored out.
G: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Monday Night Action here on our nation’s birthday! I’m Garth and this is the Honky Tonk Man, here to celebrate America’s independence with a little bit of exciting in-ring action! HTM: That’s right, and one of the ways we’ll be celebrating is with a Cruiserweight Title rematch from Licence to Kill as the Ultimo Dragon puts the title on the line against Jamie Noble! G: We’ve also been told that Jake “The Snake” Roberts has a very special Fourth of July guest lined up for the Snake Pit later tonight! Plus, we’ll be learning who else has been entered in the Thunderball Battle Royal, the 30-man, over-the-top-rope contest scheduled for July 31st! HTM: And speaking of Thunderball, I expect we’ll also have a chance tonight to see Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio getting ready to face each other for the WWL World Heavyweight Title that night! G: Both men were in action last week, of course, with Mysterio defeating John Bradshaw Layfield to be named the number-one contender and Chris Jericho taking the coward’s way out in a match with Shawn Michaels. We’ve been told that in addition to the two men who will battle for the title at Thunderball, Shawn Michaels is also in the building tonight, so we should have a chance to find out what he has to say about last week! HTM: Also, we’ve got Wrestling Royalty here tonight, as well as Diamond Dallas Page and—
Opening talky segment[/i]
Dun dun dun dun OHH OHH SHAWN. The crowd gives a decent pop as Shawn Michaels makes his way down to ringside, mic in hand. Eventually, once the crowd shuts up sufficiently, he speaks.
SM: You know, when you’ve been in this business as long as I have, you come to realize that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Case in point: For about two months there, I was trying every week to get my hands on that sneaky punk Carlito, but every time it seemed like I might fiiiiiiinally get a chance to teach him a thing or two about why you don’t mess with H-B-K, he would run off like a scared cat.
Shawn pantomimes running away and hiding in a corner of the ring.
SM: So I suppose it shouldn’t have come as any surprise to me when last week, after being forced to put the WWL World Heavyweight Title on the line against yours truly, Chris Jericho did precisely the same thing – he turned tail and ran at first chance he got. As we all know…
Shawn mimics a ring announcer voice.
SM: “A title cannot change hands in the event of a countout.” So that means Chris Jericho lives to cheat another day. Now, I could come out here and complain about how unfair this whole situation is, but really, I think we get enough whining about title shots from JBL, so it strikes me as a little unnecessary. And at any rate, Chris Jericho can run, but he can’t hide. Y’see, whoever wins the Thunderball Battle Royal is guaranteed a World Heavyweight Title shot, and if Chris Jericho is still the champion after that night is through, he’s going to have a date with the Showstoppah – because as of a conversation I just recently had with Paul Heyman, yours truly is entered in that match, and I will be walking out of there the new number-one contender.
Shawn shrugs.
SM: But I figure, even if I can’t get another title shot until I throw 29 men over the top rope to the floor, why should I have to sit around and wait until then to kick Chris Jericho’s teeth down his throat?
Shawn looks at an imaginary watch.
SM: I’ve got some time here, so Jericho, why don’t you come on down to the ring here and we can settle this like men?
There’s a brief pause, and then … PTOO! “I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool!” That’s not Chris Jericho, but Carlito, who saunters on down to ringside, mic in hand. He slowly enters the ring, not taking his eyes off Shawn, with whom he has some obvious history.
CCC: Bet you’re not too surprised to see me, Shawn.
Shawn just gives Carlito a sarcastic glare.
CCC: But relax, mang. Carlito isn’t here to get revenge for that lucky, skin-of-the-teeth victory you managed to get over him at Licence to Kill. Everybody in this arena knows that any other day, Carlito would have wiped the floor with you and mopped up the mess with your mirror chaps. Carlito isn’t even here to make you take back those unkind things you said about him earlier, because … well … quite frankly, Carlito is pretty sneaky. No argument there, mang.
Carlito pulls an apple out of his pocket.
CCC: But there’s one thing you said that doesn’t sit well with Carlito. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like you said you were going to win the Thunderball Battle Royal. Now, maybe you didn’t realize Carlito was entered in that match too, but somehow, Shawn, I don’t see how you could have missed it. There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that Carlito is walking out of that match the new number-one contender and the next WWL World Heavyweight Champion. So when you come out here and pretend that Carlito is not even a factor in that match … that’s not cool.
Carlito takes a big bite of apple.
SM: I see where this is going. You really just don’t ever get tired of getting your ass kicked, do you? Hey, if that’s what you want—
Before we can actually have a physical confrontation, the countdown starts on the video monitor and an explosion of pyro heralds the appearance of Chris Jericho. The WWL World Heavyweight Champion makes his way down to the ring, sans Jerichoholics Anonymous (purely for timing reasons). He steps through the ropes with a mic of his own.
CJ: Just what in the Sam Hill are the two of you talking about? I mean, I didn’t mind when you were just arguing about who’s going to win the Thunderball Battle Royal, because really, which one of you wins the right to lose to Y-2-J is your business, not mine. But what’s all this “next WWL World Heavyweight Champion” nonsense? You geniuses do realize whom you have to beat for that to happen, right? You’re talking about defeating the Ayatollah of Rock ‘n Rollah, the Highlight of the Night, the single GREATEST WWL World Heavyweight Champion of all time! What is it that makes you think either of you poses even the slightest threat to … my precious?
Jericho strokes his title belt. Carlito moves to say something, but Shawn waves him off.
SM: I’ll field this one. Greatest WWL World Heavyweight Champion of all time, huh? You do realize that … nah, never mind. Look, Chris, I don’t mean to split hairs, but technically, didn’t I beat you last week? Is it really that much of a stretch to suggest that maybe, just maybe, I can actually beat you next time in such a way that I actually leave with the title? CJ: Yes, it is a stretch, junior! You’re just lucky I took longer than usual to steady my footing before getting back into the ring! My point is, the two of you are out here arguing over who’s going to be the next champion, but you’re making an awful lot of assumptions that when you get into the ring with Y-2-J, you stand even the slightest, tiniest, most remote chance of possibly almost coming close to maybe beating me by disqualification or something. And you know what happens when you assume, don’t you? You make an ass out of you (points to Michaels) and you (points to Carlito). Not me, though. I’m far too super-sweet to be made an ass of. And furthermore—
“619” cues up as Rey Mysterio appears in the entranceway to a big pop. The number-one contender for the WWL World Heavyweight Title at Thunderball makes his way down to the ring, which is getting a wee bit crowded.
RM: You know, Jericho, it’s funny that you’re out here criticizing people for making assumptions, because you’ve been making one or two of them yourself. What makes you so sure that the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal will be facing you? Don’t forget, you have to put that belt on the line against me at Thunderball. And once I dial up the 619, there’ll be a new WWL World Heavyweight Champion in town! CJ: What the hell business would you have being the world heavyweight champion? That belt weighs more than you do! But I don’t care whether it’s you, Jay McCereal, or you, Shane Matthews, or you, Giant Paint Brush – there’s no one in the WWL who can scare Y-2-J!
“Yo! It’s me! It’s D-D-P!” Jericho’s eyes get wide as Diamond Dallas Page makes his way down to the ring. Before he can even say anything, Carlito cuts him off.
CCC: Oh, come on! Are you serious? SM: I know! Who booked this crap? DDP: You know, I’m not out hear to run my mouth about who’s going to win the Thunderball Battle Royal or who’s going to beat Chris Jericho for the WWL World Heavyweight Title. I’m just here to point out that you all can stand around posturing all night, or we can organize ourselves a match and leave it all out in the ring. See, I just had a conversation with Paul Heyman before I came out here, and he made it official – tonight, it’s going to be Chris Jericho, Carlito and a partner of their choice against Rey Mysterio, Shawn Michaels and D-D-P! So why don’t the two of you go find yourselves a partner, then come back on out here to FEEL … THE … BANG!
DDP gives the Diamond Cutter signal and gets up in Jericho’s face. Before that can lead anywhere, Carlito spits a mouthful of apple into DDP’s face. Jericho quickly bails out and, as all three babyfaces turn toward him, Carlito quickly does the same. Looks like we’ve got ourselves a main event!
Coming back from commercial, it’s time for Match Numero Uno.
Jerichoholics Anonymous vs. Goldust & Rico[/i]
In case you were wondering, this is why Chris Jericho didn’t have his henchmen with him during the previous segment – they would have had to leave and then come back out. For their part, Goldust and Rico not only have the lovely Miss Jackie with them, they also have the decidedly less lovely Clarence Mason. This time ‘round, he’s wearing short shorts, a low-cut shirt and high-heeled boots, and it’s every bit as horrifying as you think it is. Because the opponents are Jerichoholics Anonymous, Goldust and Rico don’t need to go through a faces-in-peril sequence. Oh sure, the heels do get some offense in, and it’s perpetrated primarily by Lenny Lane, who almost gets Goldust with a sunset flip and then gets another long two following a flying cross body to Rico. But for the most part, this match is Goldust and Rico’s to lose. Disco Inferno doesn’t add much, partly because he’s Disco Inferno and partly because he’s being consistently creeped out by Clarence Mason in drag. Eventually, after a babyface rally toward the end, Rico takes Lenny out with a spinning kick. Disco spins Rico around and hits a kick to the midsection, looking for the Chartbuster, but Rico shoves him off – right into the Shock Treatment from Goldust. Goldust covers and ends it.
Goldust and Rico defeated Jerichoholics Anonymous (Disco Inferno and Lenny Lane) when Goldust pinned Disco with the Shock Treatment in 0:04:45. Rating: ** ¾
The Law Firm gets what it doesn't want[/i]
As Goldust’s music plays, we head backstage to Paul Heyman’s office. Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom have just stormed in and are looking none too pleased.
MB: This is an absolute travesty of justice! How can you sit idly by while that kind of disgusting spectacle goes on inside your ring? AM: Yeah, man! Jackie hardly showed ANY cleavage tonight! What the hell is—
Martin quickly notices Bloom’s glare.
AM: I mean, what they’re doing to Clarence is wrong! You can’t let them get away with it! PH: You know, actually, I agree that it’s not a tasteful display. MB: Exactly! So what are you going to do about it? PH: Nothing. AM: What the hell do you mean, nothing? You said it wasn’t tasteful! PH: And it isn’t. But you two signed a contract allowing Goldust and Rico to get away with it. Maybe you should have put some more thought into that decision. MB: ONE of us did. AM: Hey, get off it, man! Don’t fault a bro for trying to get some tail! MB: You just don’t have an “off” switch, you know that? Look, Heyman, if you won’t take Clarence away from them, at least let us get in the ring with those weirdos and take him by force. AM: Yeah, that’s right! Come on, Heyman, put me in the ring with one of those freaks! Oh, I admit there’s one freak in particular I’d like to do a little one-on-one with, but at this point, I’ll take on any of ‘em! PH: All right, Andrew, I’ll grant your wish. AM: Hells yeah! I’m gonna pound one of those chumps like I’d like to pound— PH: However, as you know, the stipulations of your current situation with Goldust and Rico make it difficult for me to put you into a match against one of them. But don’t worry! You asked for a match against a freak, and you’ll get a match against a freak. Tonight, it will be Andrew Martin going one-on-one … with Kane.
The Law Firm members are a wee bit taken aback by this new development.
AM: Awww come on, Heyman! You’re busting my balls here! Why you gotta bust my balls? MB: We’re not going to change his mind. Why don’t you stop thinking about your balls so we can figure out a way to bust Kane’s face? AM: I promise nothing.
Exeunt the Law Firm. But Heyman scarcely has a chance to look back at the papers on his desk before he’s interrupted again, this time by Wrestling Royalty.
PH: Gentlemen! It’s so good to see you without having to sneak up on you! What can I do for you? JBL: We’re busy men, Heyman, so we’ll be quick. It goes like this. Last week, within the span of 24 hours, both of us lost to Rey Mysterio. Now, that may have been nothing but sheer luck on his part, but it’s an embarrassment to the two greatest things the WWL has got going for it. PH: So what is it you want? JJ: All we’re looking for is a chance to prove ourselves, a chance to show everyone that Wrestling Royalty are still the best in the business. PH: Well, as you know, the both of you are entered in the Thunderball Battle Royal, which is a chance to prove yourselves if ever there was one. But I take it you’re looking for something more immediate? JJ: That’s right. JBL: You know, Heyman, it seems like every week you take such delight in putting us in matches with people you think we should be scared of. So this week, we’re telling you to go ahead. Because there is nobody in that locker room that can hope to compete with the King of the Mountain and the Wrestling God. PH: Well, I always appreciate candor. You want a match? How about this: Right here tonight, Wrestling Royalty versus … the Dudley Boyz.
Jarrett scoffs at that.
JJ: Is that the best you got? All right, Heyman, we asked for a match and you gave us one, so I guess I won’t complain. But let’s get one thing straight. This game you’ve been playing with us these last few months, jerking us around when you see fit? It won’t last. Because once one of the members of Wrestling Royalty wins the Thunderball Battle Royal and goes on to become WWL World Heavyweight Champion, things are going to change. You mark my words. PH: Strong words, gentlemen. I hope I won’t be disappointed by your efforts to back them up.
Wrestling Royalty stare down Heyman before heading out of his office.
Back in the ring, Rhyno has entered and is pacing back and forth as he waits for an opponent for his usual open challenge. After a few seconds … WHOA YEEEAAAAHHH! The crowd pops as Matt Hardy makes his way to the ring. This should be interesting.
Intercontinental Title: Rhyno (c) vs. Matt Hardy[/i]
Rhyno’s in-ring style is generally pretty intense, but either out of respect or out of a desire to not tire himself out early on, he instead goes through a feeling-out process with Matt Hardy in the opening moments of this contest. But really, Rhyno’s just biding his time and waiting for an opportunity, which he gets when Matt puts him in a headlock for a bulldog and he’s able to counter with a back suplex that drops Matt right on the back of his neck. Rhyno takes advantage of Matt’s being stunned and takes some liberties with him, mostly keeping him grounded except when he pulls him up for something high-impact. Matt catches Rhyno in a roll-up after Rhyno misses a charge into the corner for two, then starts a rally with some elbows and clotheslines, but he lowers his head as Rhyno comes off the ropes, allowing Rhyno to nail him with a piledriver. That gets two for Rhyno. As Rhyno retakes the advantage, Steven Richards slowly makes his way down to ringside. He doesn’t get particularly near the ring ropes; he doesn’t even act like he’s going to get involved. But he keeps a cold gaze on the action in the ring.
Richards’ presence might distract Matt Hardy under normal circumstances, but Matt is too busy getting hammered by Rhyno at the moment to notice. A tilt-a-whirl powerslam gets a very long two for Rhyno, and he decides that’s the end of this one. He stalks Matt, looking for the Gore, but Matt dodges out of the way and Rhyno crashes into the turnbuckle. Matt comes off the ropes as Rhyno staggers away from the turnbuckle and connects with a bulldog. Matt’s back to his feet before Rhyno, and he spies Richards just staring at him from outside the ring. Matt gives him a “Geez, what’s with you?” look as Rhyno gets back to his feet. Rhyno charges at Matt with a clothesline, but Matt sees him coming, catches the arm and hits the Side Effect for two. Matt goes up to the second rope and gets a VEEEEE-ONE-AHHHHH elbowsmash for another two. Off the ropes, Matt goes for a cross-body, but Rhyno catches him. Rhyno hauls him onto his shoulder, maybe looking for a powerslam, but Matt slips out the back. Rhyno gets a kick to the gut as he turns around and Matt hooks him up for the Twist of Fate, but Rhyno shoves Matt off into the ropes as he turns around. Matt rebounds off, ducks under a Rhyno clothesline, hits the opposite ropes and runs right into a huge spinebuster. Rhyno once again calls for the Gore. Matt gets back to his feet and Rhyno charges – but this time, Matt leapfrogs the Gore attempt and Rhyno ALMOST kills the referee in the corner, stopping himself just in time. While Rhyno and the ref are tangled up in the corner, Richards is up on the apron almost out of nowhere and he reaches in and pokes Matt in the eye. Richards drops down to the floor with neither Rhyno nor the ref having noticed his involvement. Matt staggers away holding his eye, and Rhyno, seeing him stunned, loads up another Gore. This one connects and it’s over.
Rhyno pinned Matt Hardy with the Gore in 0:09:06. Rating: **** (Rhyno retained the WWL Intercontinental Title.)
Richards quickly leaves ringside, still staring in Matt’s direction, as Rhyno’s music plays. But a replay of the finish up on the video monitor hips Rhyno to the fact that Richards got involved, and he doesn’t look happy, grabbing his title belt and heading to the back.
Rhyno confronts Richards[/i]
Coming back from commercial, Steven Richards is walking backstage when Rhyno walks up to him and shoves him into a wall.
R: HEY, you freakin’ nutcase! What the hell do ya think you’re doing getting involved in my match? Do I look like the kind of guy who needs help? Huh?
Richards just stares at Rhyno.
R: What’re ya, deaf? ANSWER ME!
Rhyno shoves Richards into the wall again, apparently bonking Richards on the head, as Richards quickly raises his hand to the back of his head. Richards shakes his head violently, then looks back up at Rhyno with a ridiculous-looking sneer and starts talking with his best Prohibition-era gangster voice.
SR: Can’t nobody prove I did nothin’ to nobody, see! Nyaa! You got nothin’ on me, copper, and you know it! Nyaa! R: Are you makin’ fun of me? Huh? You start answering me like a sane person or I’m gonna Gore, Gore, GORE you right in half! SR: There’s 20 guys who’ll say I was at the club playin’ pinochle at the time, see! Now unhand me, copper, before I get your badge for police brutality! Nyaa! R: All right, YOU ASKED FOR IT!
Rhyno grabs Richards by the throat with both hands and chokes him against the wall, but that gets broken up real quick like by security. As they drag Rhyno away from Richards, Richards shoots him an evil grin, prompting Rhyno to lunge for him again, but Richards is too fast and he’s out of there before Rhyno can get at him.
Funaki vs. Kid Kash[/i]
This is Kid Kash’s first singles match on Monday Night Action, but he’s been competing on Rush for about a month and a half and has yet to taste defeat in the WWL. In fact, the commentators helpfully point out to us, if he can hold onto his undefeated streak here tonight, he’ll be in line for a Cruiserweight Title shot at Thunderball. We can safely assume that Kash wants that title shot, and as a bonus, he knows that Funaki and Cruiserweight Champion Ultimo Dragon are buddies, so he’s looking to send a message here tonight. But Funaki isn’t going to just lay down for Kid Kash, a fact that seems to take him by surprise a little bit in the early going. In fact, it’s Funaki who gets the first few near-falls of the contest, catching Kash first with a magistral cradle, then rolling over on a cross-body. But Kash catches Funaki with a boot right to the face as Funaki charges into the corner, then drops him with a brutal kick to the face as Funaki turns around for two. From there on out, this one is almost all Kash right up until the end. The final sequence sees Kash looking for a powerbomb, but Funaki gets him with a huracanrana instead. A facebuster gets two for Funaki, and he looks to be getting fired up. He goes up to the second rope looking for the Tornado DDT, but Kash throws him off, then kills him with a spinning heel kick as Funaki regains his feet. Kash hefts Funaki up for the Dead Level, holds him up there for a second for emphasis, then plants him down. It’s over.
Kid Kash pinned Funaki with the Dead Level in 0:05:06. Rating: *** ¼
It looks like Kid Kash will be challenging for the Cruiserweight Title at Thunderball. But who will be Cruiserweight Champion at the end of the night – Ultimo Dragon or Jamie Noble? We’ll find out later!
Jericho finds a tag partner[/i]
Backstage, Chris Jericho, flanked by his Jerichoholics, approaches a dressing room door.
LL: Are you sure this is a good idea, boss? CJ: Of course! My ideas are wholly infallible! Remember when I told you to get Disco that ice cream cake for his birthday? LL: He had an allergic reaction. He was throwing up all night. CJ: And it was infallibly hilarious! Now, shut up. Grown-ups talking.
Jericho knocks on the door.
CJ: Hey! The security guy whose name I can’t be bothered to remember told me you were in here. This is your captain, Y-2-J, the shining bastion of greatness in the WWL, speaking. As you’re no doubt aware, I am in need of an additional tag team partner to join my gorgeous self and the Giant Paint Brush to face Shane Matthews, Jay McCereal and Diamond Dennis tonight. Now, I happen to know that not only do you not have another match tonight, you’re looking for a way to make a big impact and remind everyone who the real threat in the Thunderball Battle Royal is. You come out to that ring with us tonight and obliterate those three miscreants – especially Diamond Dennis – and 29 men will be trembling in fear at the thought of facing you in that match. So come on, whaddya say?
There’s silence.
CJ: OK, if there’s no one in there, neither of you two had better ever say a word about it.
Jericho’s concern is unfounded, as moments later, the door swings wide open and Jericho finds himself face to face with Gene Snitsky. Jericho is at a loss for words as Snitsky just stares at him with crazy eyes, heavily breathing his dragon breath into Jericho’s face. Finally, after his eyes dart from Jericho to Disco to Lenny and back to Jericho again, Snitsky finally says something.
GS: … Deal.
Snitsky slams the door shut. Jericho turns back to his minions.
CJ: That was far easier than I expected.
Jericho moves as if to leave, but suddenly, the door swings open once again and Jericho again finds himself staring into Snitsky’s crazy eyes.
GS: Before you go … I’d like to tell you … a joke. CJ: Hey, you know, I’d love to hear it, but there’s this thing I have to— GS: What’s red … and white … and hangs … from a telephone wire?
Jericho and his Jerichoholics are too creeped out to even respond.
GS: A baby … shot … through a snowblower.
Jericho and his Jerichoholics glance back and forth at one another, then back at Snitsky as his facial expressions begin to convey “angry.” Jericho nudges Lenny, who nudges Disco, and all three break out into wholly unconvincing, crappy-piped-in-sitcom-audience laughter. Snitsky smiles crazily for a second, then reverts back to possibly-angry-but-with-him-who-really-knows and slams the door shut again.
DI: I think my life just flashed before my eyes. LL: Really? How was it? DI: Good, but I really wish I’d spent that semester abroad in Paris when I had the chance.
Wrestling Royalty vs. Dudley Boyz
Wrestling Royalty, as we saw earlier, are out here tonight with something to prove. But they’re not the only ones here with such intentions; the Dudley Boyz have come up short against the Lords of the Dance with the Tag Team Titles on the line twice now, and a victory over Wrestling Royalty would practically guarantee them another rematch. Jeff Jarrett starts things out with D-Von Dudley, but once JBL takes a cheap shot at D-Von, Bubba Ray gets in there and things quickly devolve into a brawl. JBL eats a Bionic Elbow from Bubba, and then both Dudleyz send Jarrett out of the ring with a double clothesline. The irritated heels take a moment to regroup, and this thing more or less gets started over.
This time, JBL and D-Von start it out. After the first little period of quick tags and no clear advantages, the Dudleyz do manage to isolate JBL in there for a little while, never really getting him closing to losing but preventing him from tagging out to Jarrett. They actually do get a near-fall with that reverse 3D (back suplex/neckbreaker combo) they do, but Jarrett breaks the pin. Shortly after this point, D-Von catches a knee to the back from Jarrett as he comes off the ropes, and JBL drops him with a hard shoulderblock. JBL tags in Jarrett, who comes in and drills D-Von with a big knee to the side of the head as he tries to get up. That puts Wrestling Royalty in firm control, and they keep D-Von away from his partner for an extended period of time. Between weardown holds, Jarrett gets D-Von with a piledriver and JBL gets him with a DDT, but both only get two, though D-Von can’t even kick out of the latter and gets his foot on the rope instead. Jarrett eventually calls for the end and sets up D-Von for the Stroke, but D-Von is able to counter into a small package instead for two. Jarrett gets up, misses a clothesline and eats a reverse DDT, which stuns him enough to allow D-Von to make the hot tag to Bubba right as Jarrett tags in JBL.
Bubba’s in and he’s a house afire, fighting off JBL and sending Jarrett tumbling off the apron in the process. He gets JBL with a bodyslam, then comes off the ropes with a splash for two. JBL punches Bubba in the gut as Bubba tries to lift him from the canvas, but as JBL comes off the ropes, Bubba catches him with a powerslam for another two. Bubba nails JBL with shots to the face and it looks like the Bionic Elbow is forthcoming, but Jarrett is in and he nails Bubba from behind. Before Wrestling Royalty have much of a chance for double-teamery, D-Von is back in to prevent it. The Dudleyz hit stereo back elbows on JBL and he rolls to the apron. Jarrett eats a neckbreaker from D-Von, who then heads up to the top rope as Bubba lifts Jarrett. D-Von comes off the top and nails Jarrett with the Dudley Device. The Dudleyz signal for the 3-D, but all of the sudden, the Lords of the Dance saunter their way down to ringside, accompanied by Lamont. The Dudleyz holler at them, but the Lords don’t get involved for now. The distraction, though, allows JBL to drill D-Von in the back and send him to the outside. Bubba fires off on JBL as the Lords get ever closer to the ring, prompting the referee to tell them to get lost. While he’s thus distracted, Jarrett clobbers D-Von with one hell of a kabong shot out of nowhere. Bubba sees that, and the distraction allows JBL to rake the eyes, then come off the ropes with the Clothesline From Hell to end it.
Wrestling Royalty (Jeff Jarrett and John Bradshaw Layfield) defeated The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) when Layfield pinned Bubba with the Clothesline From Hell in 0:09:03. Rating: ****
Four stars for that? Jarrett is a miracle worker. After the bell, the Lords of the Dance finally make their presence felt, stomping the downed D-Von on the outside. L.A. Park gets in the ring and starts attacking Bubba while Lamont and Ernest “The Cat” Miller focus on D-Von. After stomping their foes to their satisfaction, Park and the Cat go under opposite ends of the ring and pull out two tables. This can’t be good. Wrestling Royalty, who are still in a foul mood despite their victory, join in. The Lords put Bubba through one table with a double flapjack, while Jarrett assists JBL in powerbombing D-Von through the other. The Dudleyz have been destroyed, and the crowd boos it vociferously.
The Snake Pit[/i]
Back from commercial, the set is up and Jake “The Snake” Roberts is in the ring for the Snake Pit.
JS: Welcome to the Snake Pit. Tonight, as you know, is our nation’s birthday, and it so happens that I happen to know there is one American backstage visiting tonight who makes the perfect guest. Please welcome … the Patriot!
“Stars and Stripes Forever” cues up as the Patriot, waving a massive American flag, makes his way down to the ring. The crowd likes this development. The Patriot rolls into the ring and makes some crowd-pleasing gestures, even pumping his fist to get a “U-S-A” chant started. Midway through waving the flag again, he stops and puts up a finger in the universal sign for “wait a minute.” Propping up the flag in the corner of the ring, he turns toward the entranceway – hiding his face from the audience as best he can – and starts unlacing his mask (which, we can now see if we look closely enough, was already unlaced to some extent). In one quick motion, the Patriot pulls off the mask, and the instant he does, “Stars and Stripes Forever” changes to ALAYLEAAAAAHHHH… The crowd’s cheers turn to deafening boos as Muhammad Hassan tosses the Patriot mask aside. Jake raises his mic as if to say something, but Hassan snatches it away from him and addresses the audience.
MH: You were expecting someone else, maybe?
In the unlikely case that Hassan is trying to avoid being booed, he’s doing a poor job of it.
MH: I’m sure you all thought you were in for a good time when some stereotypical flag-waver dressed up in the red, white and blue came out to the ring, didn’t you? And now, I can see the disappointment and HATRED in each and every one of your faces now that you’ve realized it’s me under the mask. But why, I ask you, do I have any less right to carry the flag than any of you? You see, despite the judgments you make about me based on the way I look, I’m just as American as any of you. The only difference is that while any of you can pick up the flag and be looked upon as nothing less than a patriot, when I pick up the flag, you assume I do so only to mock it! And why? Because the thought that I might be the same as you in ANY way absolutely SICKENS you! I see it in your eyes every time you fix them upon me, whether in or out of the ring!
Hassan glares out at the audience.
MH: But as all of you prepare to celebrate this country’s independence by drinking to excess and setting off explosions, I want you to ask yourselves – what is it that makes you so different from me? Is it because you believe the Revolutionary War was not fought for the likes of me? Is it because you believe the Founding Fathers did not intend to provide me with equal rights? Is it because you believe the Constitution does not apply to people like me? The fact of the matter is, for all the MALICE and PREJUDICE and HATRED you people have for me, the people who formed this great country those hundreds of years ago would be DISGUSTED with what all of you have become!
Hassan turns to Jake as the crowd boos with all it’s got.
MH: And what about you? Surely you have something to say! JS: You’re right, I do have something to say. And believe it or not, I actually understand where you’re coming from.
The crowd doesn’t know how to react to that one.
JS: You see, these people cheer me now, but that wasn’t always the case. There was a darker time in my life, a time when every time I stepped through those curtains, the audience did everything they could to show me just how much they hated me. And for all they hated me, I hated them back for it. I know what it’s like to feel wronged by the way the people judge me. But that was a long time ago, Hassan, and now I’m older and wiser, and can look back at my past and see the way things were. See, I thought I hated those people because they hated me – but the fact is, the people hated me because I hated them. I just didn’t know it at the time – as you, Hassan, don’t know it now. The people aren’t judging you because of what you are – an Arab-American – but because of who you are – a sad, angry man with only his righteous indignation to keep him going.
Though they probably don’t all fully understand what he said, the crowd cheers Jake for that one. An infuriated Hassan gets in Jake’s face.
MH: I suppose I shouldn’t have expected you to be able to see why these people hate me! When they hated you, it was because of what you’d done – but they hate me because of what I am, and you, like so many other Americans who believe everyone gets a fair shake if he just works hard and keeps his mouth shut, don’t bother to understand! But I won’t stand here and be talked down to by you, another lazy American who resorted to hurting himself when he ran out of ways to hurt others! JS: You take the first shot, kid, and I’ll show you just how lazy an American I am.
Jake leans in closer to Hassan.
JS: …Trust me.
Hassan and Jake stand at an impasse, neither man budging. But soon, it becomes clear that Hassan does not want to strike the first blow – because Khosrow Daivari is sneaking into the ring! It looks like there’s a sneak attack a-coming, but before Daivari can make his move, HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE BAH GAWD erupt from the entranceway and Kane heads down to the ring! Hassan makes as if to get ready for Kane, but then he just shoves Jake to the mat and he and Daivari bail right as Kane enters the ring. The Arab-Americans make menacing gestures toward Kane as they leave ringside.
Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Jamie Noble[/i]
As we come back from commercial to begin this Licence to Kill rematch, the commentators helpfully remind us that the winner of this match will face Kid Kash at Thunderball, and note in passing that Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari have been escorted from the arena for Hassan’s putting his hands on Jake the Snake. Jamie Noble takes a different approach to starting this one out; at Licence to Kill, he paced himself, but this time, he just jumps on Ultimo Dragon right from the get-go. That actually gives him the advantage at first, because Dragon isn’t expecting it after their previous encounter, but Dragon is eventually able to turn things around and take Noble over the top with a headscissor countering a charge into the corner. As Noble gets back to his feet on the outside, Dragon comes off the top and takes him down with a corkscrew moonsault.
Dragon rolls a stunned Noble into the ring, but the time he himself spent recovering from the dive costs him and Noble is just able to kick out of a pin attempt. Dragon is able to use his advantage to keep control over Noble for the next few minutes, but Noble is resilient and he hangs on until he is able to counter a huracanrana attempt with a vicious powerbomb, folding Dragon up like an accordion. Noble gets back to his feet and goes back to work on Dragon, nailing him with a gutwrench suplex for two. Noble gets Dragon onto his shoulders and is looking for his double knee gutbuster, but Dragon slips out the back and applies the Dragon Sleeper. Noble tries to fight out with elbows, but it’s an awkward angle and Dragon keeps the hold locked in tight. Noble is, though, eventually able to make it to the ropes, and he grapevines his leg in to make sure the hold is broken. Dragon releases the hold, and when he goes back to Noble, Noble snaps him down across the top rope. Noble goes out to the top and nails Dragon with a flying bulldog that gets two. Noble starts to pick up Dragon and Dragon hits some shots to the midsection, but quick as a flash, Noble gets in a front facelock and drops down to lock in the Paydirt.
This was the move that got Noble beaten at Licence to Kill, and when Dragon tries to turn it into a pinning combination like he did then, Noble is ready and he rolls over to keep from getting pinned. With great effort, Dragon is able to get his feet planted, then start picking himself up. Noble keeps the hold locked in, but he’s having trouble doing it at this angle, and finally, Dragon takes Noble over with a Northern Lights suplex to break the hold. With Noble down on the canvas, Dragon uses the adrenaline rush of fighting out of the hold to spring off the ropes and hit an Asai moonsault. That just wiped out what energy Dragon had left, but it’s enough to keep Noble down for three.
Ultimo Dragon pinned Jamie Noble after an Asai moonsault in 0:11:27. Rating: **** 1/4 (Ultimo Dragon retained the WWL Cruiserweight Title.)
A post-match message for Dragon[/i]
As the competitors for our next match are entering the ring, we cut backstage to where Ultimo Dragon is resting in a dressing room after that grueling title defense. He looks up as Kid Kash walks up to him.
KK: Don’t worry, Dragon, I’m not here to kick you while you’re down. I’m just here to let you know, in case you haven’t heard, that come Thunderball, we’ve got a date for that shiny gold belt of yours. Now, I’m gonna wait until you’re 100 percent, because that’s the kind of stand-up guy I am. But once Thunderball rolls around, you’re going to see your Cruiserweight Title reign come to the end, courtesy of the Notorious K-I-D.
Kash leaves Dragon’s dressing room as Dragon just looks after him.
Andrew Martin vs. Kane[/i]
As Martin and Matthew Bloom do some pre-match strategizing, the announcers casually mention that Kane will be in the Thunderball Battle Royal. Once things get started, Kane quickly takes control and Martin bails out for a breather and another strategy session. The next exchange ends even more quickly, with Martin eating an uppercut and tumbling out of the ring again. On the third exchange, Martin hits a cheap shot after a break in the corner, finally giving him some breathing room. A little bit of punchy-kicky-stompy-chokey keeps Martin with a slight advantage, but you don’t beat Kane that way and he eventually roars back. But a well-timed trip by Bloom behind the referee’s back stops Kane’s momentum, and Martin is able to nail him with a clothesline to the back of the head for two. Martin scoops Kane up and slams him, then goes up top and hits a flying elbowdrop, but that also only gets two, to Martin’s astonishment. Then, to make matters worse, before he can go back on the offensive, Kane sits up. Kane fires off on Martin, then makes as if to come off the ropes – but instead he goes over the top and goes after Bloom, who was looking for a cheap shot. While that’s going on, Miss Jackie appears up on the entrance ramp. Martin spies her and starts making obscene comments and gestures, like he always does – but he stops short in horror when Clarence Mason, still dressed in his outfit from earlier, is pushed out onto the stage next to her. Martin shakes it off as he sees Kane re-entering the ring and goes for a big boot, but Kane ducks it, goozles Martin as he turns back around and drills him with the Chokeslam to end it.
Kane pinned Andrew Martin with the Choke Slam in 0:06:58. Rating: ** ¾
Miss Jackie and Clarence retreat behind the curtain as Bloom drags himself into the ring to gather up Martin.
The further adventures of the Law Firm[/i]
Coming back from commercial, the Law Firm walk into a dressing room backstage, recovering from Martin’s loss and the humiliation of seeing their manager trotted out in short-shorts.
AM: --was looking fiiiiiiine tonight, though, I tell you what. MB: How do you keep managing to miss the real issue here? You can lust after Jackie all you want AFTER we get Clarence back! Will you focus? AM: Hey, man, don’t try to change the way my perverted mind works. Many have tried, all have failed. MB: I just think you should try to occasionally keep your—hey, what’s this?
Bloom picks up a scrap of paper sitting on a bench in the dressing room.
AM: What’s that? MB: It’s a note from Clarence.
Martin and Bloom glance at each other in surprise, then both turn and glance at the camera with a death glare. So we cut to elsewhere backstage, where Sean Edmunds is standing with one half of tonight’s main event.
Babyfaces unite![/i]
SE: Sean Edmunds here with three men who, in mere moments, will take on the trio of Carlito Caribbean Cool, Gene Snitsky and the WWL World Heavyweight Champion, Chris Jericho. For the team of Shawn Michaels, Diamond Dallas Page and Rey Mysterio, what does tonight’s match mean? SM: Well, Sean, it’s pretty simple. See, the three musketeers here are about to head out to that ring and take on the World Heavyweight Champion and two of the big names in the Thunderball Battle Royal. And whether it’s the Diamond Cutter, the West Coast Pop or a little Sweet Chin Music, I think you’ll be seeing a little preview of the Thunderball Battle Royal. RM: And not just the Thunderball Battle Royal – there’s also going to be a preview of the World Heavyweight Title match at Thunderball when I dial up the 6-1-9 on Chris Jericho. DDP: But let’s face it, Sean – tonight isn’t just a preview. Tonight is also a match like any other, and like always, it’s going to end with the bad guys learning what it’s like to FEEL … THE … BANG!
DDP gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter, and he and his tag team partners head out.
Chris Jericho, Carlito Caribbean Cool & Gene Snitsky vs. Diamond Dallas Page, Rey Mysterio & Shawn Michaels[/i]
All three of the faces make it clear they want a piece of Jericho to start this one, but he’s having none of that, and he hangs out on the apron while Snitsky dares any of the faces to start things out with him. And that’s a continuing theme in the opening moments of the bout – Jericho is willing to get into the ring on occasion, but anytime DDP gets tagged in, Jericho makes a beeline for his corner and tags Snitsky. The monster Snitsky has an obvious advantage against his smaller opponents and mostly keeps them from getting too much momentum going, and it doesn’t help for the faces that Jericho and Carlito are throwing in the occasional cheap shot. Eventually, some teamwork on the part of the faces gives them an advantage over Snitsky – some kicks to the legs by Mysterio, further leg work by DDP and a little bit of high-flying by Shawn. But while Shawn builds momentum against Snitsky, Jericho catches him with a kick to the back coming off the ropes and Snitsky kills Shawn with a clothesline. That leads to an extended period of Shawn playing Ricky Morton, but the heels can’t keep him down, and after he blocks a Lionsault from Jericho by getting the knees up, Shawn makes the hot tag to Rey while Jericho tags Carlito.
Mysterio gets in there and gets the crowd going with some high-flying on Carlito, and he even manages to neutralize Snitsky by kicking him off the apron as he tries to get into the ring. Mysterio gets Carlito into position for the 619, but as he comes off the ropes, Jericho gets into the ring and drills Mysterio with a clothesline. That doesn’t sit well with DDP, who gets in there and pounces on Jericho, sending the both of them tumbling to the floor and brawling. With that occupying the ref’s attention, Snitsky gets back into the ring with some evil intentions for Rey, but Rey manages to duck a big boot, and as Snitsky turns around, he catches some Sweet Chin Music right in the face, sending him through the ropes to the outside. Carlito charges as Shawn and Rey turn around, and they send him into the ropes with a double drop toe hold. Rey dials up, nails the 619 and finishes Carlito with the West Coast Pop.
Rey Mysterio, Shawn Michaels and Diamond Dallas Page defeated Chris Jericho, Carlito Caribbean Cool and Gene Snitsky when Mysterio pinned Carlito with the West Coast Pop in 0:13:03. Rating: *** ½
With the match finished, Jericho manages a rake of the eyes on DDP and escapes back up the entrance ramp. DDP re-enters the ring and stands tall with Shawn and Mysterio as Monday Night Action goes off the air.
Card rating: *** ¼
Matches signed for Thunderball:
Thunderball Battle Royal for a WWL World Heavyweight Title shot: Diamond Dallas Page, Gene Snitsky, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jeff Jarrett, Shawn Michaels, Carlito Caribbean Cool, Kane, 23 yet to be announced
WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Kid Kash
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Jun 8, 2012 8:26:20 GMT -5
WWL RUSH: JULY 10, 2005
The old theme from MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch welcomes us to Rush.
SE: Welcome to Rush, ladies and gentlemen! We are well on the way toward Thunderball, and tonight, we’ll see the stars of WWL jockey for position heading into that major pay-per-view! I’m Sean Edmunds, alongside Christopher Nowinski! CN: You are undoubtedly correct, Sean, that we can anticipate seeing some key members of the WWL roster looking to get their names on the list of 30 who will compete in that over-the-top-rope battle royal. But that certainly will not be all, as we’ll also see these competitors preparing for the weeks to come, leading up to Thunderball! SE: That’s right. For one thing, we’ll see the WWL Tag Team Champions, the Lords of the Dance, in tag team action here tonight. No doubt the Lords of the Dance are resting easier now after they assisted in the destruction of the Dudley Boyz on Monday Night Action, but they had best keep their eyes wide open for when the Dudley Boyz reappear! CN: And that won’t be tonight’s only tag team contest, as we’ll see the always controversial duo of Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari go up against Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore. Hassan and Daivari have had their differences with Kane in recent weeks, as well as with Jake “The Snake” Roberts this past week on action, and we’ll see if they can build some momentum here tonight for what will surely be a titanic struggle with the Big Red Machine. SE: Plus, we’ll see the unpredictable Steven Richards go up against Konnan, and in tonight’s main event, it will be extreme rules as the Sandman battles one-half of the now Clarence Mason-less Law Firm, Matthew Bloom! CN: The Law Firm has been rudderless with Clarence Mason stuck in the bizarre clutches of Goldust and Rico, but its members still need to compete in the ring as they search for a way to get him back! But right now, let’s amble on down to the ring for our opening contest here tonight on Rush!
Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari vs. Scotty 2-Hotty & Shannon Moore[/i]
The Arab-Americans have had their issues with Kane in recent weeks, and in all of their encounters so far, Kane has gotten the better of them. And this after coming off a couple of unsuccessful shots at Rhyno’s Intercontinental Title. Needless to say, Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari are here tonight to regain some momentum and show that they are men to be feared in the WWL. It’s evident in their work in this match – they go right to work with a vicious attack on Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore. But their opponents aren’t just the roll-over-and-die types, and they’re eventually able to break Hassan and Daivari’s control. It doesn’t last, and Scotty 2-Hotty ends up the face in peril for some time before finally managing to make the saving tag to Moore. Moore comes in, cleans some house, fends off illegal man Daivari and even gets Hassan in position for the Halo. But when Moore goes up top, Daivari shoves him off the turnbuckle and sends him crashing into the ring. Hassan, who was already back to his feet, drills Scotty to send him off the apron, drops a recovering Moore with the modified STO and transitions into the Camel Clutch to pick up the submission victory.
Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari defeated Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore when M. Hassan made S. Moore submit to the Camel Clutch in 0:09:42. Rating: **
We come back from commercial with Steven Richards in the midst of his entrance. His evil side is clearly in operation again, as he just stares up the entrance ramp after entering the ring, and he keeps it up as Konnan makes his entrance to a chorus of cheers.
Steven Richards vs. Konnan[/i]
As soon as the bell rings, though, Richards quickly adopts a new attitude. The evidence suggests he thinks he’s some sort of rapper or hip-hop artist, because he keeps displaying stereotypical “gangsta” mannerisms. Konnan doesn’t quite see the humor in that, and he doesn’t take it well, starting off with a flurry of fists on Richards that gives him control in the early going until Richards gets him with an eye gouge. Richards then takes over, periodically interrupting his goofy act with acts of cruelty, similar to those he’s been using on Matt Hardy in recent weeks – choking, eye gouging, beatings in the corner that have to be broken up by the referee. Konnan eventually manages to get a brief respite when he ducks a Steven Kick, hits the ropes and nails a running clothesline, but that soon ends when Richards dodges a charge into the corner. After Konnan hits the buckle, Richards grabs him and chucks him shoulder-first into the ring post, then delivers the Stevie-T to end it.
Steven Richards pinned Konnan with the Stevie-T in 0:05:05. Rating: ** ¾
With Konnan beaten, Richards stares down at him like he’s considering attacking him after the bell, but after a few seconds, he slowly walks away. As he does, the announcers speculate as to what’s going on in his twisted mind of late – in addition to his constant attacks on and erratic behavior around Matt Hardy, he also made an enemy of Rhyno this past week on Action. And yet, this tactical disadvantage does not even seem to bother Richards – in fact, as the weeks go on, his transitions between crazy and evil seem be getting much smoother.
Back from commercial break, Danny Gimondo and Mike Kruel are already in the ring, awaiting their opponents. Lamont hurries out onto the entrance ramp, mic in hand.
L: Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen! Prepare to put your hands together, get up on your feet and get funky, as I present your WWL Tag Team Champions, the Lords of the Dance – L.A. Park and Ernest “The Cat” Millerrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
The crowd boos as the Tag Team Champions dance their way down to ringside. Their opponents, for their part, don’t really react a whole lot.
Non-title match: The Lords of the Dance vs. Danny Gimondo & Mike Kruel (unsigned)[/i]
The Lords of the Dance are just as pleased as punch with themselves after playing a role in the Dudley Boyz being put through tables on Monday Night Action, even if it was with no small amount of assistance from Wrestling Royalty. The Dudleyz having been the biggest threat to the Tag Team Titles, the Lords now find themselves in something of an easier position, and it shows. Well, at least it shows for L.A. Park; Ernest “The Cat” Miller is as goofy as ever. As is typical for the Lords, Park does most of the work in this one, with the Cat coming in for periodic bouts of kicking. Gimondo and Kruel get in a little bit of token jobber offense, most of it on the Cat before he can tag out, but it doesn’t do them a whole heap of good. When Park heads up top with Kruel stunned, Gimondo tries to stop him, but is cut off with a kick to the head from the Cat, and Park, without anything to stop him, nails Kruel with the Twisting Bodyblock to bring an end to this one.
The Lords of the Dance (Ernest Miller and L.A. Park) defeated Danny Gimondo and Mike Kruel when Park pinned Kruel with the Twisting Bodyblock in 0:04:16. Rating: * ½
Their victory achieved, the Lords of the Dance and Lamont dance, dance, dance the night away in the ring. Or at least they dance the commercial break away. I’m sure they’ll continue dancing the night away backstage.
Back from commercial, and it’s main event time.
Extreme Rules: Matthew Bloom vs. The Sandman[/i]
This match, the announcers point out, was requested by Bloom and his partner in the Law Firm, Andrew Martin, after Bloom’s loss to the Sandman’s compatriot, Rhyno, two weeks ago on Monday Night Action. Ostensibly, it’s to regain some of the face the Law Firm lost in that one, but everyone knows the majority of the Law Firm’s loss of face comes from losing their manager to Goldust and Rico. By request of both participants, this one is Extreme Rules, but the referee sees where that might be a little bit unfair for Sandman and sends Martin backstage right off the bat, much to Martin’s chagrin and the crowd’s approval. That gives us a fair fight – or at least as fair a fight as you’re going to get between an unscrupulous, 350-pound lawyer and a drunken sadist with a Singapore cane.
After Martin gets ejected from ringside, Sandman panders to the crowd a little, giving Bloom the chance to jump him. Bloom uses his size advantage to dominate Sandman in the early going, but he’s too busy whomping Sandman to go for any weapons or break the rules to any significant extent, giving Sandman a chance to land a low blow. With Bloom thus incapacitated, Sandman takes it upon himself to lay into his opponent with the Singapore cane, much to the crowd’s amusement. But once Bloom gets knocked out of the ring, with Sandman following, he is able to get ahold of a trash can under the ring and whack Sandman with that. We continue with such back and forth for some time. Finally, Bloom gets control in the ring after clocking Sandman a few times with his own Singapore cane, but when Bloom hefts his opponent up for the Settlement, Sandman slips free, gouges the eyes and hits a Russian legsweep. Sandman grabs the cane and holds it aloft, preparing to finish Bloom off, but Martin hops the barricade and comes out of the crowd. As Sandman turns, he eats a faceful of boot from Martin. Martin quickly slips out of the ring – Nowinski wryly commenting that he must have found some sort of “legal loophole” in his rejection from ringside – and Bloom makes the cover to get the victory.
Extreme Rules Match: Matthew Bloom pinned The Sandman after a kick to the head in 0:09:32. Rating: -3/4*
And that, children, is how the WWL got its worst match rating to date. Just wait until I put Gene Snitsky in there with 2005-era Chris Masters, TNM, and then you’ll truly know how lousy a match I can book.
SE: Extreme Rules usually favor the Sandman, but the Law Firm has found a way around that advantage – the good old numbers game! But tonight’s victory brings them no closer to getting back their manager from the clutches of Goldust and Rico! CN: It is a bittersweet victory at best, Sean, but I am certain the Law Firm still has a few tricks up its sleeve, and I would anticipate seeing them in the coming weeks. SE: Perhaps we’ll learn more about their situation tomorrow night on Monday Night Action, as we move ever closer to Thunderball on July 31! For Christopher Nowinski, I’m Sean Edmunds! Join us tomorrow night for Action!
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Jun 15, 2012 16:01:16 GMT -5
MONDAY NIGHT ACTION: JULY 11, 2005
“Action” by Powerman 5000 is dutifully cranked up as the usual video package welcomes us to Monday Night Action.
G: Good evening, WWL fans, and welcome to Monday Night Action! We are three weeks away from Thunderball, and the path to that evening, live on pay-per-view, continues here tonight! I’m Garth, and with me, as always, is the Honky Tonk Man! HTM: I’ll tell you from experience, Garth, when you’ve got a 30-man, every-man-for-himself, over-the-top-rope battle royal on the horizon, there’s going to be a lot of jockeying for position! And I expect we’ll be seeing a whole lot of that here tonight as every man entered in that matchup – and every man who wants to be entered in that matchup – looks for a way to walk into Thunderball with an edge! G: Well, that may be so, but there’s a lot more at stake here in the WWL than just the WWL World Heavyweight Title shot the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal will receive! We’ve got the Intercontinental Title on the line here tonight as Rhyno goes up against the man who made an enemy of him last week, the deranged Steven Richards! HTM: And even though all eyes are on the Thunderball Battle Royal and the title shot that entails, we can’t forget about the two men who will compete for the World Heavyweight Title at the pay-per-view – the champion, Chris Jericho, and the challenger, Rey Mysterio! And Jericho will look to soften up Rey Mysterio here tonight as Mysterio takes on one of Jericho’s trusted allies, Disco Inferno! G: “Trusted ally?” I think you mean “hapless lackey!” HTM: Hey, I’m pretty sure I used the word I meant to use! G: Plus, we’ll see the bizarre duo of Goldust and Rico take on the WWL Tag Team Champions, the Lords of the Dance, in a non-title match, and Jake “The Snake” Roberts will have Carlito Caribbean Cool as his guest on the Snake Pit!
Obnoxious Continuing Theme Theater[/i]
“Longhorn” cues up to a chorus of boos from the crowd as the limousine pulls out from the back. John Bradshaw Layfield and Jeff Jarrett slowly climb out of the Bradshawmobile, soaking up the boos, as they head down to the ring. Both men grab microphones. JBL: Three. Weeks. Just three weeks. That’s how much time the rest of the WWL locker room has to convince itself that the Thunderball Battle Royal will be won by anyone other than Wrestling Royalty. Crowd: Boo. JBL: See, you people can boo all you want, but the fact of the matter is, you know just as well as everyone in the locker room that I have been robbed, time and time again, of the WWL World Heavyweight Title shot I deserve. Since the WWL was born, I have gone out every single night and laid waste to the best Paul Heyman has to offer. And yet, every time I point out that no one is more deserving of a title shot than J-B-L, someone decides that all my accomplishments, all my successes, every single scrap of evidence that shows just how unstoppable I am, is ignored so someone can have a laugh at my expense. Ha. Ha. Ha. Crowd: Boo. JBL: Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up while you still can. Because at Thunderball, that all changes. At Thunderball, I will be the one who laughs last and laughs loudest. You see, the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal is guaranteed a world title shot – the one-on-one kind that can’t be ruined by technicalities. And when I stand tall at the end of it, I’ll be assured the championship match I’ve rightfully deserved since Day One here in the WWL. In fact, there’s only one way I might not walk out of Thunderball the new No. 1 contender: if that No. 1 contender is this man right here. JJ: That’s right. You see, either member of Wrestling Royalty could easily walk into Thunderball and throw 29 other men over the top rope. But put two members of Wrestling Royalty into that match, and the other 28 are just a formality. Now, when it comes down to myself and JBL as the final two entrants, we’ll put on a gentlemen’s exhibition that puts everyone else in the locker room to shame, to determine who gets to walk out the No. 1 contender. But up to that point, it’s going to be nothing but disappointment after disappointment for 28 other losers. JBL: So everyone in the back can take warning. In three weeks, whether it’s at the hands of the King of the Mountain or the Wrestling God, you’re going over the top rope and back to the locker room – while Wrestling Royalty stands triumphant. And the fact of the matter is, there’s not a damn thing any of you can do about it. JJ: At this point, the question for all of you isn’t, “Will I be eliminated?” The question is, “When will I be eliminated?” You see— Dun dun dun dun OHH OHH SHAWN. The crowd pops big time as Shawn Michaels steps through the curtains and prances down to the ring. With mic in hand, Shawn cautiously steps through the ropes, making sure to not take his eyes off either member of Wrestling Royalty, both of whom are staring daggers at him. SM: You know, I was going to apologize for interrupting your triumphant pre-victory monologue, but given how popular my decision seems to be, I don’t think I can, in good conscience, say I’m sorry about it. JJ: “Monologue?” That doesn’t make sense, there are two— SM: Semantics! Oh, don’t you start again! You two get going again, and Monday Night Action is going to be over without a single match even taking place! Crowd: Cheer. SM: No, you’ve wasted enough of the fans’ time already. Now it’s my turn to waste their time. Y’see, the thing is, I know what you’re thinking here. Hey – if there’s anything ol’ HBK understands, it’s confidence. And I truly believe that you truly believe winning the Thunderball Battle Royal is an inevitability for you. But let’s face it, fellas. Lately, that crystal ball of yours has been getting awfully smudged. Crowd: Cheer. SM: You talk and talk and talk about how if you were ever given a fair shake, you’d be dominating the WWL at every level. But I gotta tell ya, I’m not seeing it. Seems to me that every time Wrestling Royalty gets a fair shake, you two find some way to screw it up. So I really, really, really hope you’ll forgive me when I say that I don’t think your pronouncement of a certain victory in three weeks at Thunderball is admissible in a court of law, so to speak. JBL: So it’s all been fair play for me and Jeff Jarrett, has it? That’s exactly what I would expect out of someone like you, who just two weeks ago got the title shot I so rightfully deserved, simply by virtue of being who you are. Well, last I checked, Shawn, the WWL World Heavyweight Title isn’t around your waist. So who the hell do you think you are, trying to stand in the way of my opportunity? SM: “Your” opportunity? John, I hate to break this to you, but your “opportunity” is shared with 29 other guys. And if I know 29 those guys like I think I do, I’d say about 28 of them don’t see things quite your way. JJ: Well, Shawn, maybe I can help you out. Maybe I can give you some insight on the way I see things. The way I see things, time and time again, Wrestling Royalty has been denied the title matches we so rightfully deserve. While you, somehow, managed to convince Paul Heyman to hand you a title shot on a silver platter. Back in school, we had a name for guys like you: teacher’s pet. You might get favorable treatment for kissing up to the teacher. But at the end of the day, to Wrestling Royalty, you’re just another punk who knows he needs to cough up his lunch money if he wants to make it off the playground alive. SM: Are we really doin’ this? Is this interview segment going to end with me getting a noogie and an atomic wedgie? ‘Cause I’ll tell ya, it is really hard to give a proper wedgie to a guy wearing wrestling tights. JJ: Don’t worry, Shawn, it’s just a metaphor. But I wasn’t done telling you the way I see things. See, over the last couple of weeks, Wrestling Royalty has been making examples out of people. First it was the Big Show, then it was the Dudley Boyz. And the way I see things, in this ring right now, there are two dangerous men and one example waiting to be made. Wrestling Royalty start to approach Shawn, who’s readying himself for a fight. But before a battle can break out, the scene is interrupted with a Nirvana knockoff guitar riff and a cry of “Self Hi Five!” as Diamond Dallas Page makes his way down to the ring with a mic, much to the crowd’s approval. DDP: Why don’t you two jagoffs take a step back while I tell you the way I see things? Crowd: Cheer. DDP: Now, the way I see things is pretty simple. I see two guys who’ve got the skills that have sent the WWL World Heavyweight Champion running scared every time he hears our names. I see two guys who’ve delusionally convinced themselves that they’re the real threat to that championship. I see a 30-man, over-the-top-rope battle royal with a guaranteed title shot on the line in about three weeks here. And given that 28 of those guys are going to be gunning for the two deluding themselves, I’d say Wrestling Royalty has written a big ol’ check that its ass can’t cash. Crowd: Cheer. DDP: So why don’t we just stop talking about the way we see things, and find out which two guys can walk the walk, and which two guys just love to talk? The crowd likes that idea, and Shawn and DDP square up to take the fight to Wrestling Royalty. JBL and Jarrett make like they’re about to square up too, but instead, they casually roll out of the ring to the boos of the crowd and head toward the back, with Shawn and DDP just shrugging. Before Wrestling Royalty can escape, though, Paul Heyman’s smiling face pops up on the video monitor. PH: I’ve got a novel idea. Why don’t I tell all of you the way I see things? Wrestling Royalty visibly do not like where this is going. PH: The way I see things, these people are very excited about the prospect of seeing four of the top names in the Thunderball Battle Royal square off in that very ring tonight. And if that’s what the people want – well, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t make it happen. So later tonight, it’s going to be Wrestling Royalty versus Shawn Michaels and Diamond Dallas Page! Shawn and DDP nod their agreement. Wrestling Royalty briefly rant and rave, but quickly collect themselves and start formulating a plan. PH: Good luck, gentlemen. You tend to need it. With that, Heyman is gone from the video monitor, and Wrestling Royalty head to the back as we go to commercial. Back from commercial, Kid Kash heads down to ringside and joins Garth and the Honky Tonk Man at the commentary table for the next match. Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Scotty 2-Hotty[/i] The two babyfaces put on a fast-paced match, reminding some of our more skeptical viewers that, yes, Scotty 2-Hotty can be a good worker, provided he’s given material more complex than “go out there and job” to work with. There are lots of near-falls as Scotty really takes it to the champion, realizing what kind of opportunity he has here. But Ultimo Dragon is no slouch, and he takes it to Scotty right back. Or something. Did that make sense? Kid Kash, for his part, is no Jesse Ventura at commentary, but he manages to hammer home his message without being too obnoxious about it: He’s coming for the Cruiserweight Title at Thunderball, and Dragon had best be prepared. He even gives a little critique of some of Dragon’s moves and in-ring decisions, adding comments to the effect of “Here’s why that works on Scotty 2-Hotty, but won’t work on me.” Scotty gets a rally going toward the end – with Kid Kash remarking on Dragon being careless, even though he really hasn’t been – but as he comes off the ropes looking for his pre-Worm facebuster, Dragon spins and catches Scotty with a hell of a roundhouse kick. Dragon quickly follows up with an Asai moonsault that gets him the 1-2-3. Ultimo Dragon pinned Scotty 2-Hotty after an Asai moonsault in 0:06:06. Rating: *** ¼ (Ultimo Dragon retained the WWL Cruiserweight Title.) As Dragon celebrates his victory, Kid Kash gets up from his chair. The commentators speculate that he’s about to start some trouble, but instead he just walks to the back – though not before giving Dragon the universal signal for “I want the belt.”
Maria interviews Mysterio[/i]
We now head backstage for some quality time with Maria the Mic Stand.
MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Rey Mysterio. Rey, your thoughts on your match? RM: You mean the one tonight or the one at Thunderball?
Maria stares blankly.
RM: Right, right. You see, Maria, I respect Chris Jericho as an in-ring competitor. For all his personality problems, once he steps through those ropes, he is a force to be reckoned with. That’s why he’s the WWL World Heavyweight Champion. But instead of going out and competing tonight, he’s relaxing backstage while he sends Disco Inferno after me. Now, I know Chris Jericho is thinking that if I have to face Disco Inferno this week, and Lenny Lane next week, it’s going to soften me up and give him an easier time retaining his title at Thunderball. But he’s got it all wrong, Maria. Facing his “Jerichoholics” isn’t going to soften me up – it’s only going to help me build momentum going into Thunderball. If Chris Jericho is trying to weaken me before Thunderball, that just means he doesn’t think he can beat me the way things are now. And I can tell you this, Maria – if he doesn’t think he can beat me now, I don’t know how he can expect to beat me when I head into Thunderball in three weeks with all the momentum. At Thunderball, the WWL World Heavyweight Title is taking un viaje al barrio de Rey Mysterio – a little trip to the 6-1-9.
Mysterio walks off. A second later, the tape recorder in Maria’s head unwinds.
MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Rey Mysterio. Rey, your—
Non-title match: The Lords of the Dance vs. Goldust & Rico[/i]
The Lords of the Dance are even cockier than usual going into this one, all proud of the way they – with copious amounts of help from Wrestling Royalty – put a hurting on the Dudley Boyz last week. And making things more interesting, for inexplicable reasons, they’ve got a one-person advantage going into this one; Lamont is at ringside with them, but Miss Jackie doesn’t accompany Goldust and Rico down to the ring. We start out with a little bit of comedy, as Rico infuriates Ernest “The Cat” Miller by doing an exaggerated and flamboyant impression of the Cat’s dancing, leading the Cat to start things off by attacking Rico from behind. The heels, their confidence at an all-time high, actually do pretty well in this one – even the Cat doesn’t screw up too badly – but the faces are also riding a wave of confidence thanks to their week-in, week-out humiliation of the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom, and they never get too far behind. Toward the end, Rico gets a hot tag and cleans house, but his momentum is slowed when Lamont trips him behind the referee’s back. The Cat nails a martial arts kick and looks to be about ready to finish Rico when Miss Jackie appears on the entrance ramp – dragging with her a fabulously attired, makeup’d and perfumed Clarence Mason. Needless to say, this firmly grabs the attention of the Lords of the Dance, both of whom have “holy hell you’ve got to be kidding me” looks on their faces. That’s enough of an opportunity for Rico to roll up the Cat for the three-count. Goldust and Rico defeated The Lords of the Dance (Ernest Miller and L.A. Park) when Rico pinned E. Miller after an inside cradle in 0:11:16. Rating: *** ½
The Lords of the Dance stand awestruck that they’ve just been beaten. The announcers speculate on what it means for Goldust and Rico that they’ve just beaten the Tag Team Champions in a non-title match.
Ol' Cheap Heat Hassan[/i]
Coming back from commercial, we find ourselves in the middle of Shannon Moore’s entrance for his match with Khosrow Daivari. Moments later, we’re greeted by the soothing tones of “ALAYLEAAAAAAHHHH…” The crowd goes into ultra-boo mode as Muhammad Hassan and Daivari make their way down to the ring, mics in hand(s).
MH: What fine heroes you people choose. Crowd: Boo. MH: First it was Rhyno, a violent maniac, and his sidekick the Sandman, a drunken abuser. Then it was Kane, a sadistic, pyromaniacal monster. Then it was Jake “The Snake” Roberts, a man whose personal failings could fill an encyclopedia. If there are the sorts of heroes society has chosen over the years, it’s no wonder you people boo true heroes like myself and Daivari. KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: And why shouldn’t we be considered heroes? Are heroes not those who achieve great things in the face of great adversity? Daivari and I have achieved so much in life – appearing on national television in front of millions upon millions of people – and all of it in spite of people like you who cannot see beyond your limitless prejudices. You do not believe we could be considered American heroes because you do not see us as the Arab-Americans that we are. That small-minded prejudice is the adversity we fight against every day. KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: Now tonight, Daivari is taking on this tattooed-and-pierced, counterculture freak. If you ran into him in a dark alley, you’d run away screaming. But put this horrifying sight up against a hardworking American who just happens to be of Middle Eastern descent, and you can’t cheer him on fast enough. It’s enough to make me sick that you people would side with this freak of nature rather than—
Moore has heard enough, and he dropkicks Hassan from behind to a big pop, sending Hassan out of the ring. Daivari takes the opportunity to jump Moore from behind, and the referee rings the bell to start the match.
Shannon Moore vs. Khosrow Daivari[/i]
Daivari has the immediate advantage, of course, having taken advantage of Moore’s distraction. But Moore isn’t about to be squashed in mere seconds by the likes of Daivari, and he fights back. Hassan is steamed about getting attacked by Moore, but he largely avoids getting involved in the match, preferring instead to berate and antagonize Moore, as well as the crowd. Daivari eventually puts Moore down with a spinning DDT and goes up for the Magic Carpet Ride, but Moore rolls out of the way and Daivari crashes and burns. Moore then goes up top, looking for the Halo, but while the referee checks on Daivari, Hassan knocks Moore’s feet out from under him, racking him on the top rope. Daivari recovers, tosses Moore off the top, climbs up himself, and delivers the Magic Carpet Ride to end it.
Khosrow Daivari pinned Shannon Moore with the Magic Carpet Ride in 0:05:07. Rating: **
Chris Jericho, Motivational Speaker[/i]
Backstage, Chris Jericho is getting Disco Inferno ready for his match against Rey Mysterio. Lenny Lane is on hand as well, of course.
CJ: All right, Disco. In a few moments, you’re going to go out there to defend my good name against my sworn enemy, Jay McCereal. Now, although Jay McCereal is likely the smallest opponent you have ever faced, I think it goes without saying that everything you’ve ever accomplished in your career has been leading up to this point. Are you with me so far? DI: You got it, boss! CJ: Now, we’ve been over and over the plan, but I can’t in good conscience send you out there without making sure, one last time, you know what it is. DI: Beat Rey Mysterio? CJ: Whoa, whoa! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We’re being realistic here, and the reality is, you don’t win very often, Disco. DI: I know, boss. CJ: But! Even if you don’t win, you can still make a huge difference in the mighty, uninterrupted title reign of the greatest WWL World Heavyweight Champion of all time, Y-2-J. So your goal should be what? DI: (pause) … beat Rey Mysterio? CJ: No! Why did I even bother making those flash cards? Tell me you know the answers, Lenny. LL: Yes, sir. CJ: Disco is to go out there and…? LL: Do as much damage as possible to Rey Mysterio. CJ: And he should do this because…? LL: That damage will add up over time. CJ: Thus making it much more likely that Jay McCereal will be beaten by…? LL: Me, next week. CJ: No! I am deeply disappointed in both of you and expect written apologies in triplicate later. But for now, Disco, go out there and beat the stuffing out of that masked midget, and for the love of God, try not to get beaten right off the bat. DI: Can do, boss!
Disco charges away. Lenny remains, with Jericho glaring at him.
CJ: Those apologies aren’t going to write themselves, Lenny.
Disco Inferno vs. Rey Mysterio[/i]
Disco Inferno, God bless him, is really full of energy for this one, and he’s so proud of the first headlock he gets on Rey Mysterio. Alas, all good things must come to an end, and Mysterio quickly escapes and starts working over Disco. To his credit, Disco doesn’t just roll over here, and there are a few moments when he gets an advantage over Rey, but he doesn’t do a good job of keeping Rey off his feet, and if you can’t get Rey off his feet you’ll never be able to keep up with him. The announcers speculate that we’ll be seeing Jericho and/or Lenny at any moment, but they never show up; Jericho arranged this match to soften Rey up, and he’s not about to go out to the ring and risk getting hurt himself. After fending off one last rally from Disco, Rey gets him in position, drills him with the 619 and connects with the West Coast Pop to end it.
Rey Mysterio pinned Disco Inferno with the West Coast Pop in 0:04:05. Rating: ***
Mysterio keeps an eye to the entrance ramp as he celebrates his victory, presumably expecting a Jericho sneak attack at any moment, but it never comes.
Steven Richards: Foreshadowing 101
Backstage, Steven Richards wanders into the shot, muttering to himself. He paces back and forth in front of the camera, and seems – from all appearances – to be arguing with himself.
SR: … no! No! I’ve told you I don’t need your help! I don’t want your help! I know we’ve had our problems, but this is not the right solution! There must be a better way to do this, if you’ll just let me think. But if you don’t let me think, I don’t know where I’ll end up, and—
Richards spots the camera and freezes, staring into it like a deer in headlights. He quickly turns around and skulks away.
Coming back from commercial…
Intercontinental Title: Rhyno (c) vs. Steven Richards[/i]
The announcers remind us that this match came about as a result of Richards’ getting himself involved in last week’s Intercontinental Title match between Rhyno and Matt Hardy, the latter of whom Richards has had his differences with of late. Rhyno was not happy about Richards’ interference and challenged him to this match. Richards, as usual, comes into this one with a dash of crazy, taking on the mannerisms of the main character from Super Mario Bros. – primarily by jumping around like an idiot. But he’s a little more focused than usual, getting in cheap shots between goofy actions and relishing it when neither Rhyno nor the referee is looking. Rhyno, for his part, gets in his shots as well, as is to be expected. At one point, Richards exits the ring and grabs a chair. He brings it into the ring, but before he can use it, the referee takes it away. Still, that prompts Matt Hardy to head down to ringside to keep an eye on Richards. Rhyno fights back and gets Richards with a spinebuster, then lines him up for the Gore, but Richards clings to the ropes to prevent Rhyno from getting him. Seeing Hardy near his position, Richards loads one up and hocks a loogie right onto Matt. An indignant Hardy gets up on the apron as Richards begs off and the ref tries to stop Matt from getting involved. As soon as the ref glances back over at Rhyno, though, Richards slaps Hardy in the face, and Hardy retaliates by belting Richards one – right as the ref turns around. The ref sees Hardy drilling Richards and calls for the bell.
Steven Richards defeated Rhyno by disqualification in 0:07:44. Rating: ** 3/4 (Rhyno retained the WWL Intercontinental Title.)
Richards quickly rolls out of the ring and heads toward the back. He’s just lost his chance at the Intercontinental Title, but he seems to be strangely OK with that. Meanwhile, Rhyno screams at Matt Hardy for costing him the match, and Matt gets in the ring to confront Rhyno. Words and shoves are exchanged, but the referee gets between them before there can be any fisticuffs. As Richards heads up the entrance ramp, he glances back at Rhyno and Hardy having their shouting match and cracks a smile, as if this were what he wanted all along. The announcers speculate in vain as to what might be going through his head.
The Snake Pit[/i]
We come back from commercial break with the Snake Pit set in place and Jake “The Snake” Roberts in the ring.
JR: Ladies and gentlemen, my guest at this time is one of the top young stars in the WWL. Please welcome Carlito Caribbean Cool.
PTOO! “I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool!” Carlito saunters his way down to ringside, grinning happily while the crowd boos the hell out of him. Entering the ring, Carlito pulls an apple out of his pocket and offers it to Jake.
CCC: Apple? JR: No thanks. I’m more of a carnivore. CCC: Suit yourself. More for Carlito.
Carlito puts the apple away.
JR: Now, in recent weeks, we’ve all heard you claim that the Thunderball Battle Royal – and the WWL World Heavyweight Title shot that goes along with it – is as good as yours. What makes you so confident that your victory is a sure thing? CCC: Why I am I so confident? Because I’m Carlito. See, Jake, you’re seeing the Thunderball Battle Royal as a free-for-all among 30 guys. But you should be seeing it as a free-for-all between Carlito and 29 guys who – let’s face it – just aren’t cool. So when Carlito’s number comes up at Thunderball, I’m not worried about those 29 other guys. Because – even though they might not like to admit it – everyone in this arena tonight and watching at home knows that the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal is going to be someone … cool. And that’s Carlito. JR: Well, Carlito, I don’t think anyone will ever accuse you of being anything but confident. But the important question is, where does that confidence come from? Let’s not forget, you’ve made similar claims over the course of the last few WWL pay-per-views, and yet on two consecutive occasions you’ve come up short against “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels. CCC: Shawn Michaels? He’s not cool! Shawn Michaels just had a couple of lucky breaks against Carlito, that’s all. At Thunderball, Shawn Michaels’ luck is going to run out – just like everyone else’s who isn’t Carlito. JR: Is that so? Well, let me tell you a little something about luck, friend. You’ve never been in a battle royal like this before, but I have – many times. In a match like the Thunderball Battle Royal, you’ve got to be thinking about luck – the luck of the draw. You pull yourself a good number, and you’ve got a good shot at winning. But you pick a bad number, and it just might be your luck that runs out. CCC: You know, I’m starting to wonder whether you really get it, mang. You see, the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal gets a shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title. And it’s inevitable that the WWL World Heavyweight Title will, sooner or later, find its way to someone cool. Now, who in the Thunderball Battle Royal is cool? Shawn Michaels? Diamond Dallas Page? Rhyno? The Sandman? Konnan? Funaki? I don’t think so. If the Thunderball Battle Royal is going to be won by someone cool, there’s only one possible option: Carlito. And that’s why, three weeks from now, Carlito will send 29 suckers over the top rope and show the world just how cool it is to win the Thunderball Battle Royal. JR: Well, Carlito, I certainly hope you can back up your words. CCC: And I’ll tell you another thing, Jake. Carlito understands that your job is to come out here and ask the tough questions, and that’s cool. But it seems like you just can’t resist casting doubts on Carlito’s chances of winning the Thunderball Battle Royal. And that? That’s not cool.
Carlito pulls the apple back out of his pocket.
CCC: And being as informed as you are these days, Jake, I’m sure you know my opinions of people who don’t want to be cool.
Carlito turns away from Jake and examines the apple.
CCC: But just in case you’ve forgotten…
Carlito continues examining the apple for a second, then takes a big bite out of it. But with his back turned, he doesn’t notice Jake quietly reaching into the giant glass case and pulling out the massive python he keeps on the stage. Carlito turns around, ready to give Jake a faceful of apple, and finds himself face-to-face with the snake. Carlito’s eyes get as wide as dinner plates and he completely spit-takes the apple, missing both the snake and Jake, then dives out of the ring to safety. Carlito shouts threats at Jake as he walks away from ringside. Jake puts the snake away and grabs a microphone.
JR: I certainly hope, Carlito, that you have more gumption to stay in the ring at Thunderball. Because if you don’t, you might it find especially difficult to walk out of there the winner.
Jake leans against the ropes in Carlito’s direction.
JR: … Trust me.
Andrew Martin: Mr. Focus[/i]
Following a commercial break, we find the two non-kidnapped members of the Law Firm in the locker room, each of them seated on a bench and surrounded by stacks of documents and file folders. Matthew Bloom is wearily flipping through a sizable stack of stapled papers, while Andrew Martin looks intently at the contents of a manila folder. Rubbing his eyes, Bloom looks up from his documents.
MB: This is pointless. We’ve been up and down this a thousand times, and we’re not any closer to finding that loophole Clarence told us to look for. AM: Yeah, definitely. MB: We’re going to have to figure out some other way of finding the point he was trying to make. AM: Totally. That’s right. MB: We can’t just let Goldust and Rico keep parading him around like that. AM: Yeah, man. It’s ridiculous. MB: But first, I’ve got a date with Kane tonight, and I intend to show him – and Goldust and Rico – just how dangerous the Law Firm of Mason, Martin and Bloom can be. You ready? AM: Absolutely.
Bloom gets up to leave, but Martin is still sitting on the bench, his face buried in the manila folder. Bloom stops on his way out the door, then turns and walks back over to Martin, who is paying absolutely no attention to him. Bloom yanks the folder out of Martin’s hands, showing that what he’s actually been looking at is a Playboy magazine. Bloom just glares at Martin.
AM: Sometimes these articles have really good legal advice in them.
Bloom rolls his eyes.
Matthew Bloom vs. Kane
Having been torn away from his intensive legal research, Andrew Martin is at ringside with his tag team partner, hoping to avenge his own loss to Kane last week. Bloom, being the only member of the WWL roster bigger than Kane (well, except the Big Show, but he’s injured so he doesn’t count), gets right up in the Big Red Machine’s face to show how intimidated he isn’t. After a brief staredown, Bloom gets Kane's attention with a hell of a slap -- but Kane just smiles, then nails Bloom with an uppercut, and the match is on. Kane dominates the early going, but Bloom is soon able to mount a comeback after a timely distraction from Martin. Bloom actually nails some big offense on his formidable opponent, including a belly-to-belly suplex and a Vader Bomb. But Kane fights out of Bloom's pin attempts and dominates the match again. After a flying clothesline from the top rope, Kane cocks the arm back for the Choke Slam, but Martin jumps up on the apron to distract him. Kane goes over and takes a swing at Martin, who drops off the apron and gets out of dodge, but the distraction lets Bloom recover and floor Kane with a bicycle kick. Bloom covers, but only gets a two-count, much to his surprise. As Bloom argues that point with the ref, Martin takes the opportunity to reach under the ropes and choke Kane. No sooner has Martin broken the hold, though, than the crowd starts hooting and cheering as Miss Jackie appears on the entrance ramp – with Clarence Mason in tow, completely dolled up in a different outfit that includes fishnet stockings. Martin, who is probably more interested in pursuing Jackie than rescuing Clarence, starts toward them, as Bloom yells at him not to just run off. While that's going on, Kane sits up and gets back to his feet, and Bloom soon turns around and walks into a big sidewalk slam. One Choke Slam later, Kane picks up the victory.
Kane pinned Matthew Bloom with the Choke Slam in 0:05:18. Rating: 3/4*
As Kane prepares to blow his corner pyro in victory, Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari hit the ring out of nowhere and jump him from behind. A chop-block from Hassan puts Kane on the mat, and Hassan and Daivari put the boots to their much larger rival. Kane soon starts to regain his footing, but rather than keep on the offense, Hassan and Daivari quickly bail out and head up the entranceway. Kane stares holes in the both of them as he gets back to his feet.
The champ and his big mouth[/i]
Backstage, Shawn Michaels and Diamond Dallas Page are walking! It looks like it’s going to just be one of those delightful “guys on the way to the ring before a commercial break” shots, but WWL doesn’t roll that way. Both guys spot something ahead of them and stop, the camera gradually panning to a smug Chris Jericho, the WWL World Heavyweight Title belt slung over his shoulder.
CJ: Oh, don’t let me stop you two paragons of greatness. You’ve got a super-de-duper important match to attend to.
Jericho just stands there grinning stupidly as DDP and Michaels stare at him. They then look at each other, roll their eyes in unison, and make as though they’re about to keep moving when Jericho interrupts them.
CJ: There’s just one thing I have to ask before you head out there. And it’s reeeeeeeeeeally been bothering me, so I’d be very, very grateful if you’d indulge me.
DDP and Michaels stop, clearly not looking forward to whatever Jericho has to say.
CJ: The two of you and those two royal ass-jesters are about to have a big, main-event match over your little dust-up regarding the Thunderball Battle Royal. And if you all want to beat the hell out of one another for my amusement, that’s all well and good. But I have to tell you, the whole premise is just … sad. Because you’re not fighting for a real prize. You’re not fighting for this.
He adjusts the position of the belt on his shoulder.
CJ: All you’re fighting for is a shot at this. But to get to this, you’ve got to go through me – and let’s not forget, both of you came up short the last time you tried it. So, really, for all your macho posturing, all you’re fighting for is yet another opportunity to fail. All I want to know is this: What’s that like? What’s it like knowing that you’ve got to go through 29 other guys, including each other, just to have the chance to lose to me?
DDP and Michaels just glare at Jericho, clearly not enthusiastic about answering his rhetorical question.
CJ: No answer? That’s OK. I’ll let you two think on it. I’m off to order Lenny Lane to polish this belt to a mirror sheen.
Jericho walks off, DDP and Michaels glaring after him.
Wrestling Royalty vs. Diamond Dallas Page & Shawn Michaels[/i]
As is typical, given Paul Heyman's tendency to turn their boasts into uncomfortable situations, the members of Wrestling Royalty are in a surly mood right from the beginning in this one. But you have to give them credit; they're not about to back down from a challenge, even if it's from a couple of the WWL's top babyfaces. We start things out with Jeff Jarrett and Diamond Dallas Page, who show us some solid ring psychology for a little bit before Jarrett tags out for the uglier brawling style of John Bradshaw Layfield. The early going is defined by DDP and Shawn Michaels working together as a team, showing off some of that 1990s tag team offense that, in the real world, only exists as standard double-team moves in WWE SmackDown! games. Wrestling Royalty get their own shots in on occasion, but the match is almost all babyface until JBL knocks Michaels goofy by clubbing him in the back of the head as he comes off the ropes. That lets Jarrett and JBL control Shawn for a while, but he's hardy enough to avoid becoming a true babyface in peril, and he eventually manages to tag out to DDP after catching a charging JBL with a boot in the corner. DDP and Shawn take over on offense again until Jarrett low-bridges DDP, sending him to the floor, then whacks him with a knee trembler behind the referee's back as DDP tries to get back up. DDP is then the real Ricky Morton of the match for a while, as Jarrett and JBL take turns teeing off on him, but they can't get him to stay down for three. Finally, DDP fights free; Jarrett goes for the Stroke, but DDP elbows his way out, and when Jarrett catches an attempted midsection, he foolishly spins DDP right into a discus clothesline that puts both men down. DDP makes the hot tag to Michaels while Jarrett tags JBL. Shawn comes in all full of energy and JESUS POWER~, fending off both JBL and Jarrett, as the recipient of the hot tag is wont to do. After running through a little bit of trademark offense on both guys, he starts his Five Moves of Doom on JBL, but as he goes up top for the flying elbowdrop, Jarrett pushes him off the top and into the ring. Jarrett gets in the ring and starts stomping Michaels, drawing DDP's ire. DDP lands some shots on Jarrett, then chucks him over the top to the floor. Not to be outdone, Michaels gets back to his feet and clotheslines JBL up and over. Michaels and DDP have the ring to themselves now. There's some pointing, and then Shawn charges at DDP -- but it's all part of the plan, as DDP backdrops Shawn over the top and down onto Wrestling Royalty on the floor. Shawn scrapes Jarrett off the ground and rolls him into the ring, heads up top and delivers the flying elbow. Shawn tunes up the band for some Sweet Chin Music, but just as he's about to drill Jarrett, Jarrett drops to the mat and clings to the ropes, protesting to the referee that he's not the legal man. This is technically true, but DDP is having none of it, as he drops off the apron and yanks Jarrett from the ring to the floor. While that's got the referee's attention, though, JBL sneaks Jarrett's guitar into the ring and wallops Shawn with one hell of a Kabong. JBL kicks the guitar remnants out of the ring and covers Shawn. DDP doesn't realize what's happening quickly enough, and he's just a second too late to stop JBL from getting the three-count.
Wrestling Royalty (Jeff Jarrett and John Bradshaw Layfield) defeated Diamond Dallas Page and Shawn Michaels when Layfield pinned S. Michaels after hitting him with a foreign object in 0:16:05. Rating: *** 3/4
JBL rolls out of the ring before DDP can inflict any retribution on him. JBL gathers up Jarrett as the victorious Wrestling Royalty head to the back, JBL giving the old "I'm smarter than you" point to the temple as he goes, while DDP tends to the fallen Shawn in the ring.
G: And once again, Wrestling Royalty manages to steal one, thanks to that damned guitar! HTM: Call it theft if you want, but I call it momentum, and that kind of momentum is incredibly important heading into the 30-man Thunderball Battle Royal! G: I can't argue with you on that point -- I think all four of these men have to be considered favorites in the Thunderball Battle Royal, and tonight, the members of Wrestling Royalty picked up a big victory. But they've also earned the ire of Shawn Michaels and Diamond Dallas Page, and I have to wonder what effect that might have in three weeks at Thunderball! We'll see the fallout next week on Monday Night Action! Don't miss it!
Card rating: ** 1/2
Matches signed for Thunderball:
Thunderball Battle Royal for a WWL World Heavyweight Title shot: Diamond Dallas Page, Gene Snitsky, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jeff Jarrett, Shawn Michaels, Carlito Caribbean Cool, Kane, Muhammad Hassan, Khosrow Daivari, Rhyno, The Sandman, Jamie Noble, Andrew Martin, Matthew Bloom, 16 yet to be announced
WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Kid Kash
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Jul 17, 2012 14:24:37 GMT -5
WWL RUSH: JULY 17, 2005
The theme from Celebrity Deathmatch welcomes us to Rush, the WWL's loyal B-show. In a time-saving effort, I'm going to be paring down the talking on Rush to recaps, even though I'm too dumb to do the same with Action and PPVs. You'll just have to live with this cruel new reality in which the second-string announce team of the B-show for a nonexistant wrestling promotion doesn't properly build up a card of squash matches. Sorry. Funaki vs. Kid Kash Kid Kash has his eye on the Cruiserweight Title, and he's slated to challenge champion Ultimo Dragon for it at the Thunderball pay-per-view in two weeks. In recent weeks, Kash has made it very clear to Dragon that he's coming for him, and he's got a strong case to make -- since making his WWL debut, Kash has yet to be defeated in singles competition. Looking to bring an end to that undefeated streak tonight is Funaki, a frequent ally of Ultimo Dragon who, while not sporting the most impressive win-loss record, is still a quick and tenacious opponent. Though Kash is hoping for an easy win here, he knows not to underestimate his opponent, and Funaki most certainly gives him a run for his money (hur hur). Though Kash dominates the late going of the match, Funaki eventually mounts a quick comeback and even gets Kash set up for the Tornado DDT, but Kash throws him off. Funaki lands on his feet and charges, but Kash sidesteps and tosses Funaki through the ropes into the ring post. The damage done, Kash grabs a stunned Funaki and puts him away with the Dead Level. Kid Kash pinned Funaki with the Dead Level in 0:06:04. Rating: ** 1/2 Post-match, Kash once again gives the universal signal for "I want the belt" to the camera, adding in an audible "Two weeks!" for flavor. Ultimo Dragon has his work cut out for him. Chris Masters vs. Matt Hardy[/i] Matt Hardy's got some anger to take out here tonight, thanks to the mind games Steven Richards has been playing with him of late. Likely making Hardy even more upset are Richards' sneaky efforts to spark a rivarly between Hardy and the tough-as-nails Rhyno, who is not someone you want as an enemy when you've already got an unhinged Steven Richards to deal with. Hardy will face Richards in a no-holds-barred match at the Thunderball PPV, but for now, his task is getting by the Masterpiece. Though Hardy uses his speed to take the advantage in the beginning, Chris Masters is able to turn the tide with some power moves and keep this one competitive. It doesn't last, though, as Hardy mounts a comeback, eventually putting Masters down on the mat and going up top to nail the "VEEEEEEEE-ONE-AHHHHHH!" second-rope legdrop. Masters is on dream street, and Hardy quickly follows up with the Twist of Fate to pick up the win. Matt Hardy pinned Chris Masters with the Twist Of Fate in 0:04:25. Rating: ** 3/4
Jamie Noble vs. Spectrum (unsigned)[/i] Noble has been trying to regain his footing since twice failing to capture the Cruiserweight Title from Ultimo Dragon. His hapless opponent tonight, who sports a luchador mask emblazoned with a big yellow smiley face, clearly has heart, but he doesn't have the toughness or the technical know-how of Noble, and is able to mount little offense. After putting Spectrum down with a tiger driver, Noble locks in the Trailer Hitch to get the tap-out victory. Jamie Noble made Spectrum submit to the Trailer Hitch in 0:02:29. Rating: **
Extreme Rules Match: Gene Snitsky vs. The Sandman[/i] Our intrepid B-team announcers tell us Snitsky issued an open challenge to anyone else entered in the Thunderball Battle Royal, and when the Sandman answered the call, Paul Heyman made the match an Extreme Rules match, as he usually does for the Sandman. The Sandman's entrance cuts off Snitsky's attempt to tell a dead baby joke, which puts Snitsky in an even worse mood than usual. But while Snitsky might ordinarily be able to dominate his opponents when his ire is drawn, he has no such luck with the Sandman, who comes to the ring very well armed with a trash can full of weapons. What follows is a match Jim Ross might describe as "bowling shoe ugly," likely rescued from a negative star rating only by its swift descent into a garbage brawl. And not one of those crappy Botchamania XPW ones, neither (does Botchamania exist yet in July 2005? I wonder). The Sandman fights off many of Snitsky's attempts to finish him, usually with the help of his trusty Singapore cane. But during one such caning, Snitsky manages to fight free with a trash can lid to the gut. Snitsky grabs the cane away from Sandman and, in an impressive display of power, breaks the damn thing over his knee, then clocks Sandman with a double shot from the two broken halves. Snitsky lays down a road sign pulled from the trash can earlier and flattens Sandman on it with the Pump-Handle Slam, and this one is over. Cut, print, DUD. (Extreme Rules): No-Countout-No-DQ-Match: Gene Snitsky pinned The Sandman with the Pump-Handle Slam in 0:07:31. Rating: DUD Snitsky celebrates his victory by yelling and making scary faces at the crowd, as is his custom. Intrepid B-team announcers Sean Edmunds and Christopher Nowinski admonish the viewers not to miss Monday Night Action tomorrow -- Goldust and Rico will challenge the Lords of the Dance for the WWL Tag Team Titles, Rey Mysterio will face another of Chris Jericho's henchmen in Lenny Lane and Rhyno will defend the Intercontinental Title against Matt Hardy and Steven Richards in a triple threat match. Don't miss it, or Nowinski will find you and lecture you for hours on the dangers of concussions.
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Post by JoshiQ on Jul 17, 2012 15:34:57 GMT -5
I've finally caught up on all of the shows I missed while I was away.
I have to say that this circuit is AMAZING. You've done a tremendous job of building up the talent, the interviews are done extremely well, and it does read like a show recap.
I even like the B show as it gives off the feeling of a Sunday Night Heat and shows off some talent that doesn't get air time on Action.
Truly was surprised that JBL and Jarrett walked away with a victory over Michaels and Page, but they kind of needed it to make them feel on the same level. I figure Michaels goes over in the battle royal, but there doesn't seem to be any guarantees in this circuit.
I hope the feud with Mysterio/Jericho picks up some heat going into the PPV. It almost feels like Jericho is more concerned with Page and Michaels at this point.
The Snitsky jokes continue to crack me up (I must be deranged). And the Snake Pit is the best talk show segment I've ever seen done in a circuit. Roberts is terrific at his role, usually getting the upper hand by the end of the segment, but not burying the talent.
Carlito's interviews are top notch as well.
I'll be giving more show by show feedback from here on probably. Just trying to sum it all up into one post right now.
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Post by snabbit888 on Jul 17, 2012 16:21:24 GMT -5
This response offers you no real feedback, but more, a promise of feedback. I have a lot to catch up on, and will start tomorrow. But rest assured, young Mr. Bishop, I will catch up soon.
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Jul 18, 2012 11:15:19 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback, y'alls. It's nice to see a few people are daring enough to brave the mighty walls of text I call a circuit.
Joshi, I can see what you're saying about Chris Jericho appearing more worried about Diamond Dallas Page and Shawn Michaels than he is about Rey Mysterio. This is probably an effect of the way Mysterio got his title shot -- my original plan (back in 2005 or whatever) was to have Jericho face the Big Show at Thunderball, but then Big Show got hurt, and no replacement for him was going to be able to carry forward the level of intimidation Big Show had already inflicted on Jericho. It's a lot of work to build 2005-era Mysterio as a legitimate title contender, and Jericho has to remain worried about some of the Thunderball entrants to keep that match looking important, but I think you'll see Mysterio look like more and more of a threat over the two shows remaining before Thunderball.
With Jake "The Snake" Roberts, I just have the good fortune of being able to write off the substance abuse issues that prevent him from playing this kind of role in real-world WWE. Having a talk show segment is a big help for pushing storylines forward -- I still have fond memories of Palumbo's Pizza Shop from Ryan's previous GCW circuit -- but for me, the best part of using Jake for this role is that it gives me the opportunity to write up "tough questions" style interviews, which I find are a great deal of fun.
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Jul 20, 2012 10:01:08 GMT -5
MONDAY NIGHT ACTION: JULY 18, 2005"Action" by Powerman 5000 heralds the beginning of Monday Night Action, which is now. G: We are two weeks away from Thunderball live on pay-per-view! I'm Garth, here with the Honky Tonk Man, welcoming you to Monday Night Action! HTM: We've seen WWL competitors jockey for position heading into that 30-man, over-the-top-rope battle royal, and we can expect to see plenty more tonight as more names are thrown into the hat! G: That's right! Now, last week, we saw Wrestling Royalty, a couple of heavy favorites, pull off a victory over a couple more heavy favorites in Shawn Michaels and Diamond Dallas Page. Shawn Michaels will be Jake "The Snake" Roberts' guest tonight on the Snake Pit, and DDP has promised to address last week's main event as well! HTM: A lot of eyes are on that Thunderball Battle Royal, but don't forget about the WWL World Heavyweight Title match, Garth -- tonight, Rey Mysterio takes on another of World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho's allies in Lenny Lane, and Jericho has promised he will be in action as well! G: We'll also see the Lords of the Dance defend the WWL Tag Team Titles against the men who beat them in a non-title match last week, Goldust and Rico, and Rhyno will have his hands full as he defends the Intercontinental Title in a triple threat match against Matt Hardy and Steven Richards! We'll also see-- Main Event Booking Theatre[/i] "Yo! It's me! It's D-D-P!" Garth is interrupted by the opening chords of Diamond Dallas Page's theme music, and he heads down to the ring to a big crowd pop. Once in the ring, DDP gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter, then grabs a mic. DDP: Well, I'm sure you all saw what happened last week on Monday Night Action. The Heartbreak Kid and the Master of the Diamond Cutter had those two snakes -- with all due respect to Jake -- in Wrestling Royalty dead to rights. But just one guitar later, the tide turned, and it was all over before I had a chance to react. All that momentum for the Thunderball Battle Royal, gone in the blink of an eye. Now, if we were kicking things off with the Wrestling Royalty show tonight, like we do all too often here on Action, I'm sure the voice coming from this ring would be throwing out nothing but bitching and moaning about how things didn't go their way. But that's not the way ol' D-D-P does things. I don't have the time, and I don't have the patience, to bitch, moan and make excuses. But with two weeks left until Thunderball, I've definitely got the time to make challenges. So listen up, Wrestling Royalty -- if you're even half the men you claim you are, you'll come out here and face me. DDP mills around the ring for a little bit until "Longhorn" cues up, to the loud boos of the crowd. John Bradshaw Layfield and Jeff Jarrett head through the curtains, but stop on the entrance ramp. JBL: You know, DDP, you may claim you don't have time to make excuses, but you sure do spend a lot of time explaining your failures. It seems to me that every time you open your mouth, it's to talk about something you couldn't do -- whether it's win the WWL World Heavyweight Title, despite many opportunities, or just beat Wrestling Royalty last week on Action. So now you come out here, coming off yet another failure, and have the nerve to challenge me, a wrestling god, and this man here, the King of the Mountain. You want to know what kind of men the members of Wrestling Royalty are? We'll be happy to show you. JBL and Jarrett start down toward the ring, but stop short after a few steps. JBL gets a big cocky grin on his face, and Jarrett takes the mic while JBL chuckles. JJ: ... is what we would say if we hadn't shown you, with all the world watching, just how much better than you and Shawn Michaels we are last week. People were calling the two of you the front-runners to win the Thunderball Battle Royal, and yet, when the dust had settled, it was Wrestling Royalty standing tall. What more could we possibly have to prove? If you ask me, we've proven all we need to prove. You and Shawn Michaels and everybody else can run around all you want, trying to claim you're the best; Wrestling Royalty will just kick back and wait for Thunderball to roll around, so we can show the world once again that we are the best this business has to offer. JBL and Jarrett turn to leave, to the boos of the crowd. But the crowd perks up when WWL President Paul Heyman's smiling face appears up on the video monitor. Wrestling Royalty stop in their tracks, resigned looks on their faces; they know what this usually means. PH: You gentlemen wouldn't be claiming you don't have to compete for the next two weeks, would you? JBL (scrambling for an answer): Uh ... no! We're just saying we shouldn't have to compete until Thunderball. You saw last week's main event clear as day! You know we don't have anything left to prove until July 31! PH: Oh, well that's where you're wrong, John. I think you have plenty left to prove. There's no denying that Wrestling Royalty scored a major victory over Shawn Michaels and Diamond Dallas Page last week. But as big an accomplishment as that was, that was just a four-man match. How can you be sure you'll survive a 30-man match? JJ: Are you kidding? I know you don't fully appreciate the greatness of Wrestling Royalty, and that's something we've learned to live with, but we've spent months running roughshod over everything the WWL has to offer. What more proof could you need that Wrestling Royalty's victory at Thunderball is inevitable? PH: I'm glad you asked, Jeff, because I happen to know a perfect way for you to prove it to me. Tonight, we're going to have ourselves a Lumberjack Match, and serving as the Lumberjacks will be many of the competitors who will be entered in the Thunderball Battle Royal. In one corner of that Lumberjack Match will be John Bradshaw Layfield. In the other: Diamond Dallas Page. The crowd pops for that. In the ring, DDP nods his approval, as JBL scowls up at Heyman on the monitor. PH: And Jeff, don't think I've forgotten about you. You'll also have a match tonight, a special one-on-one confrontation with one of Thunderball Battle Royal entrants. Since you'll be at ringside as a Lumberjack later in the evening, I think it would be fair for JBL to be banned from ringside for your match, don't you? Wrestling Royalty gesture broadly in protest. PH: Oh, I almost forgot! Your opponent tonight, Jeff, will be ... oh, I don't know -- Kane! Wrestling Royalty gesture even more broadly. Broadly-er. JBL: This is ridiculous and you know it, Heyman! All these matches prove is that you don't recognize our obvious superiority! PH: We'll see, won't we, gentlemen? Good luck out there. Heyman's image disappears from the video monitor. JBL and Jarrett head to the back, muttering among themselves, but stop when DDP addresses them. DDP: What, did you forget about me? Well, that's all right. I can see the two of you are very busy strategizing ways to survive the next two weeks. But your ability to ignore me is time-limited, fellas -- because one thing you won't be forgetting is later tonight in our match, when you FEEL ... THE ... BANG! The crowd pops as DDP gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter. Wrestling Royalty, looking disgusted, continue their retreat to the back. Triple Threat Match for the Intercontinental Title: Rhyno (c) vs. Steven Richards vs. Matt Hardy[/i] This has all come about, for the most part, as a result of Steven Richards’ machinations. He’s been targeting Matt Hardy for months, and recently has taken the initiative to create tension between Hardy and Rhyno. His only motivation, it seems, is further punishing Hardy, but to what end? Even Richards doesn’t seem to know himself. His goofy side is apparent in the opening moments of the fight; this time, he keeps putting his fingers to his temples and concentrating as though willing his opponents to fight each other. Of course, despite their burgeoning rivalry, Rhyno and Hardy are still the babyfaces here, so their first instinct when Richards does this is just to attack him. The opening minutes have that pattern to them; Richards does something dumb, Rhyno and Hardy whomp him, Rhyno and Hardy fight each other while Richards recovers, Richards gets back up and taunts them some more, etc. Eventually, Richards stays down after one of his beatings, leaving Rhyno and Hardy to mix it up for a couple of minutes. Their exchange starts out fairly low-impact, but gets more and more intense as neither guy is able to keep the other down. Finally, Hardy goes up to the second rope for the “AHHHHHHH!” elbow, but Rhyno catches him out of it and nails him with a spinebuster. Rhyno heads to his corner and lines up for the Gore, and that’s when Richards takes the opportunity to strike, pulling Rhyno’s feet out from under him and yanking him out to the floor. Richards re-enters the ring, fully rested, with both of his opponents worn out, and he takes full advantage. He beats down Hardy for a while, and when Rhyno rolls back into the ring, Richards is ready, and goes to work on him as well. Richards does a surprisingly capable job of switching off between opponents so neither has a chance to mount a comeback. Rhyno eventually does start to make some inroads into breaking Richards’ offense, but Richards slides out of a running powerslam attempt and puts Rhyno down with the Steven Kick. Rather than go for the cover, he goes back to Hardy (who was starting to get up and might have broken the pin anyway). Hardy’s ready for him, though, and he unleashes a flurry of offense on Richards. A Side Effect and a second-rope legdrop only get two apiece, and Hardy lines Richards up for the Twist of Fate. Hardy gets partway through the move, but Richards pushes him away right as he turns around for it – and sends Hardy straight into a hell of a Gore from Rhyno. Rhyno covers Hardy, and though Richards seems to have an opportunity to break the pin at two, he doesn’t. Rhyno retains. Triangle Match: Rhyno defeated Steven Richards and Matt Hardy when Rhyno pinned M. Hardy with the Gore in 0:11:50. Rating: *** 3/4 (Rhyno retained the WWL Intercontinental Title.)Richards quickly slides out of the ring, looking dazed and perhaps incapable of breaking that pin after all. But as Rhyno takes his title belt back, the cameras catch an evil smirk on the face of Richards as he heads to the back. Edmunds interviews Hassan and Daivari[/i] Backstage... SE: Sean Edmunds here, and with me are Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari. In recent weeks, the two of you have targeted Kane following his response to an open challenge you laid out. Why do you continue to pursue the Big Red Machine? Hassan just glares at Edmunds for a few seconds before responding. MH: Sean, if you had the common decency to pay attention to our words before asking me questions about them, you would understand that it is not Kane we are targeting, but what he represents. Yes, Kane responded to an open challenge we laid out, and had our match just been a match, that would have been that. But you saw how the audience reacted. On one side of the ring, you had myself and Daivari -- honest, good-hearted, hard-working Americans. On the other side, you had Kane -- a monster of a man who has devoted his life to pain, torment and fire. Were he facing anyone else, he would have been the bad guy. But because his opponents happened to be Arab-Americans, he suddenly became the hero of these small-minded people. KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: Of course, Sean, you don't know what it's like to see hate and discrimination coming at you from every direction. But we do. I am sick to death of being despised just because of my name, my religion, the color of my skin. I deserve the same opportunities as everyone else. But with the entirety of America seeing me as the enemy, there are roadblocks to my success at every turn. I've done everything to earn these people's respect and nothing to earn their scorn, yet still they boo me, as though the sin of being an Arab-American outweighs all my virtues. KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi) MH: But I won't let the bigotry of the WWL audience stop me from achieving my dream of climbing to the top of this business. I'll show everyone that despite their prejudice, Daivari and I are simply better than all the false heroes they have chosen. Kane is just the latest in a long line of false idols. And even though he may be big, mean and intimidating, when I'm through with him, I'll show that he is just like all those saber-rattlers who pushed for a war on terror: a coward. Despite the fact that this is taking place backstage, the boos of the crowd are easily loud enough to be audible. Hassan and Daivari continue to glare at an uncomfortable-looking Edmunds before walking away. WWL Tag Team Titles: The Lords of the Dance (c) vs. Goldust & Rico[/i] Goldust and Rico are getting this title shot by virtue of their non-title victory over the Lords of the Dance last week on Action. The tone is decidedly more serious this week, though; the Lords now realize Goldust and Rico are capable opponents, and Goldust and Rico recognize the opportunity they have to become the WWL Tag Team Champions. Goldust and Rico don't eschew their usual psychological homoeroticism (triple word score!) entirely, of course, but it's toned down slightly. For their part, the Lords cut back on dancing; Ernest "The Cat" Miller busts a few moves, of course, and though undeniably funky, they don't last as long as they ordinarily would. The Lords get an advantage when, while the Cat occupies the attention of Goldust and the referee, L.A. Park tosses Rico into the ring steps. Rico plays Babyface in Peril for a short time, during which Miss Jackie quietly leaves ringside; the announcers and camera don't even really notice. When she comes back, though, everyone notices -- because she's dragging (hur hur) Clarence Mason with her, this time all gussied up in thigh-high boots and a feather boa. The distraction is enough for Rico to catch the Cat with a spin kick as the Cat charges at him into the corner, and Rico is able to make the hot tag to Goldust as the Cat tags Park. Goldust comes in a house afire and fights off both of the Tag Team Champions, his resolve bolstered and his opponents still kind of distracted by the man in drag outside the ring. Rico and the Cat end up scrapping outside the ring while Goldust gets Park in position for the Curtain Call. At that moment, though, Lamont starts some trouble with Miss Jackie on the outside, briefly taking Goldust's attention away from the match at hand, and when that happens, Park is able to turn into the hold and counter with a small package for three. The Lords of the Dance (Ernest Miller and L.A. Park) defeated Goldust and Rico when Park pinned Goldust after a small package in 0:07:32. Rating: ** 3/4 (The Lords of the Dance retained the WWL World Tag Team Titles.) The champs learn their opponents[/i] Coming back from commercial, we find the Lords of the Dance and Lamont loudly celebrating their victory backstage. OK, it's just Ernest "The Cat" Miller and Lamont who are loud, but all are celebrating and dancing. EM: Still the Tag Team Champions! L: Still the champs! EM: Still the toughest tag team in all of this business! L: Still the best! EM: And now, we're gonna celebrate the only way we celebrate -- by dancing, dancing, dancing! L: Show 'em, Cat! Miller starts busting moves, with Lamont cheering him on and L.A. Park throwing a few moves in when appropriate. Park and Lamont stop when Paul Heyman walks up; the Cat just keeps going. PH: I see you're all in high spirits. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my employees happy. L: You know it! It's just another big victory for the dancin'-est team in the world today! PH: Well then you'll also be interested to know you have another opportunity for a major victory on the horizon -- when you defend the WWL Tag Team Titles at Thunderball. L: Bring 'em on! The Lords of the Dance accept all challengers, no matter how funky! PH: I'm glad to hear that. Because the your opponents at Thunderball will be the Dudley Boyz. The Cat stops dancing. Lamont's expression changes noticeably. L: Man, you trippin'. The Dudley Boyz are out of the picture, you dig? We took care of those fools weeks ago. PH: Yes, they had to take a couple of weeks off, but they're very much looking forward to this match. In fact, they'll be back in the ring right here next week on Monday Night Action. I'm sure you'll all have a lot of catching up to do. Heyman walks away. The Lords just exchange glances for a minute until Heyman pops back in. PH: Oh, and I forgot to mention -- your title defense at Thunderball? It's going to be a Tables Match. Good luck, champs. Heyman leaves again, as Lamont and the Cat's facial expressions fade from "worried" to "panicky." Jeff Jarrett vs. Kane[/i] As unhappy as Jarrett was about being booked to face Kane -- a man with whom he has some history, as Kane clashed with Wrestling Royalty several times before going down with an injury at the You Only Live Twice pay-per-view in May -- he's still a tough competitor, and he's not about to roll over for the likes of Kane. Jarrett takes it to Kane in the early going, not backing down, but as Kane continues to survive Jarrett's attacks, Jarrett gets cagier, escaping the ring once or twice to avoid a barrage. Eventually, Kane gets his hands on Jarrett and slaps him around for a while, getting as much as a sidewalk slam for two. Jarrett ducks a big boot, though, and takes Kane out at the leg, giving him a chance to work the leg awhile and keep Kane off his feet. Jarrett even manages to get the figure-four leglock on Kane, but Kane is too close to the ropes -- and has a long reach besides -- and Jarrett is quickly forced to break the hold. Jarrett resumes the offense, but Kane is able to recover, and he starts a rally after catching Jarrett with a powerslam. After a flying clothesline off the top, Kane catches Jarrett in a goozle, but Jarrett kicks the leg to break free. Jarrett manages a brief flurry of offense, even getting a long two-count off a piledriver, then runs right into a big boot as he comes off the ropes. Kane cocks the arm back for a chokeslam on the dazed Jarrett, but before Jarrett can stumble into his grasp, Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari are in the ring to attack Kane and cause a DQ. Kane defeated Jeff Jarrett by disqualification in 0:09:31. Rating: *** 3/4Jarrett decides discretion is the better part of valor and rolls out as Hassan and Daivari work over Kane, taking special care to target the leg Jarrett had been working on. Hassan stands over Kane and tries to lock in the Camel Clutch, but Kane throws Hassan off before he can get the hold locked in. Kane lays some shots in on Daivari as Hassan rolls out of the ring. Kane grabs Daivari in a goozle, but Hassan pulls him free and the two of them escape up through the entryway with Kane in hot pursuit. Jericho and Mysterio exchange words[/i] Backstage, Rey Mysterio is getting ready for his match with Lenny Lane when who should walk in but WWL World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho. RM: What do you want, pendejo? I’ve got a match with one of your flunkies to get ready for. CJ: Oh gosh, I didn’t mean to disturb your preparations for your match with my stunt double. I just came to wish you good luck. RM: Jericho, I know better than to think you can limit that big mouth of yours to just two sentences. CJ: OK, Jay McCereal, I suppose there is more that I could say. I could tell you that even if you manage to beat both Disco and Lenny, it doesn’t even begin to prepare you for facing the Ayatollah of Rock ‘n Rollah. I could tell you to watch closely later tonight as I prove my utter dominance against one of the pathetic entrants in the Thunderball Battle Royal. I could tell you to cancel any celebrations you might have planned for two weeks from today, because the crippling depression you experience when I embarrass you at Thunderball will leave you unable to party at even the most basic level. But maybe I’ll just leave it at a piece of friendly advice: Watch yourself out there, jerky. Because you never know when disaster might strike. Know what I mean? Mysterio stands up and gets in Jericho’s face. RM: Don’t you worry about that, Chris. If I’m going to be facing you in two weeks, I know you’re going to pull out all the stops to make sure you have an unfair advantage. So I’m going to be watching you and your minions very, very closely. But if you’re looking for something to watch after I take down your boy Lenny here in a few minutes, maybe you should spend some more time gazing lovingly at that championship belt of yours. Because in two weeks – I’m taking it home to the 6-1-9. Mysterio heads out of the locker room, Jericho staring contemptuously after him. Lenny Lane vs. Rey Mysterio[/i] Last week, Rey Mysterio took down Disco Inferno, one of Chris Jericho's lackeys, without much difficulty. This week, his opponent is Jericho's other henchman, Lenny Lane. Mysterio clearly has Jericho's warning in mind as he heads down to the ring and begins the match, presuming -- understandably -- that Jericho is just waiting for his opportunity to take a cheap shot. But he also knows not to underestimate Lenny, who, though not sporting the best win-loss record, is still a very capable competitor and somewhat less of a joke in-ring than Disco Inferno is. The match is mostly Mysterio in control, but Lenny gets his shots in, even once countering an attempted huracanrana with a powerbomb and trying to apply the Walls of Jericho, though Mysterio manages to fight out before Lenny can get the hold locked in. Mysterio takes over on offense and connects with the 619, and one West Coast Pop later, he's 2-0 against Jericho's minions. Rey Mysterio pinned Lenny Lane with the West Coast Pop in 0:05:35. Rating: *** 1/2Richards' latest game[/i] Backstage, the cameras catch up with Steven Richards, who is wandering around muttering to himself. There's a commotion nearby, and he turns as security arrives just in time to stop him from getting attacked by Matt Hardy. Hardy yells at Richards from behind security. MH: I'm tired of your games, Richards! What is it you want from me? Richards gives a big, exaggerated, "Who, me?" shrug. MH: Attacking me over and over again isn't enough? Starting trouble between me and Rhyno isn't enough? Now I hear you challenged Rhyno and the Sandman to a tag match next week with me as your partner? Richards gives another exaggerated expression, opening his eyes and mouth wide and grabbing his head in his hands as if to say, "Oh no! What'll I do?" MH: How stupid do you think I am? I'm not going to go out there with you next week just so you can turn on me and leave me to the wolves! As far as I'm concerned, you might as well call it a handicap match! SR: But you want the Intercontinental Title, don't you? Hardy is taken aback a little bit by Richards' suddenly reasonable demeanor, considering he was just pantomiming like an idiot mere seconds ago. SR: Rhyno has something we both want. If we win next week, then one of us, possibly even both, will be in line for a rematch. Abandoning you would get me nowhere. MH: You think a change in your tone of voice will convince me? What have you ever done to make yourself seem trustworthy? SR: I can't say I blame you for not trusting me. But I give you my word that I won't betray you next week. Now, if you'll excuse me... Richards gives off a "The Three Stooges" series of WHOOP WHOOP WHOOPs and scuttles away sideways like a crab. Hardy just stares after him, bewildered. The Snake Pit[/i] With that out of the way, the cameras head to the ring, which is all set up for the Snake Pit. The Honorable Judge Jake "The Snake" Roberts presiding. JR: Welcome to the Snake Pit. My guest tonight may be another in a long line of competitors who would be the winner of the Thunderball Battle Royal, but his lengthy resume makes him anything but typical. Please welcome the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels! Dun dun dun dun OHH OHH SHAWN. Michaels prances down to the ring. SM: Good thing you didn't invite a tag team partner for me. I kinda have a bad track record with these interview shows, y'know? JR: Shawn, I've heard a lot of chatter these last few weeks that you're one of the favorites to win the Thunderball Battle Royal. And I can see why, given the multiple world titles you've held over your career, not to mention your record in matches similar to the Thunderball. But that's just chatter. You tell me -- do you deserve to be called a favorite? SM: Jake, guys like us, we've been around long enough to know that when you send 30 guys out to the ring and randomize the order of entrance, anything can happen. I wouldn't come out here and try to tell you I've got this one all locked up, because we both know enough to know that we don't know nothin' with this kinda match. So no guarantees. But I'll tell you this. Three weeks ago, I had my chance at the WWL World Heavyweight Title. I didn't get it, but I was close enough to touch it -- and when you get that close to a rich prize like that, you can't help but get the hunger for it. That's what I have, Jake. I have the hunger. And anybody who tries to stand between me and satiating that hunger is going to have a hell of a time of it. JR: I'm not surprised that the victory you scored over the World Heavyweight Champion, even if it was by countout, was a confidence-booster for you, Shawn. But your road to Thunderball hasn't been all confidence-boosters, has it? Last week, you hit a wall when Wrestling Royalty managed to pull out a victory over you and Diamond Dallas Page. How do you come back from that loss and handle a couple of dangerous customers who'll certainly be gunning for you in two weeks? SM: You're definitely right that Wrestling Royalty are dangerous, Jake. And I definitely hit a wall last week, no doubt about it. And going into a match like Thunderball, where it's supposed to be every man for himself, a couple of guys who are willing to work together throughout the entire thing might have an advantage. But where those two are going to slip up is underestimating opponents like me. They're treating Thunderball as something they, and only they, can win. But in a match like this, the tide can turn just like that (snaps fingers). All it takes is a little Sweet Chin Music, and your night is over -- leaving your partner to try to win the thing all by himself against 28 other guys. Once that happens, suddenly the odds aren't in Wrestling Royalty's favor. Somebody's going to beat those odds, and don't be too surprised if it's none other than ol' H-B-K. JR: A two-man advantage certainly gives Wrestling Royalty the advantage on paper, but if anything can happen in a match like this, I think you and I can agree there's no guarantee either member of Wrestling Royalty will be there at the end. So what if it doesn't come down to Shawn Michaels and John Bradshaw Layfield, or Shawn Michaels and Jeff Jarrett? What if it comes down to Shawn Michaels ... and Diamond Dallas Page? SM: I'll tell ya, Jake, on the one hand, nothing would make me happier than getting to finish that match out one-on-one with DDP. But on the other hand, I know what kind of man DDP is, and I know he's the kind of opponent you have to take with the utmost seriousness. He's had his own issues with the World Heavyweight Champion, and I know he's got the hunger, just like I do. He's going to go out there at Thunderball and give it his all, just like I am. And with so many X-factors, who knows who'll still be left when it comes down to two. But there's one thing I can tell you for certain. In a match where you've gotta get your opponent over the top rope to the floor, nine times out of 10, the Diamond Cutter just ain't got what it takes to hang with Sweet Chin Music. And once Sweet Chin Music hits, it's all over for you -- whether you're Jeff Jarrett, John Bradshaw Layfield, Carlito Caribbean Cool, Kane, Muhammad Hassan, Rhyno, Disco Inferno or Diamond Dallas Page. JR: I suppose we'll find out in two weeks just how loud Sweet Chin Music can get when there are 29 other voices to drown it out. For now, thanks for being on the Snake Pit, Shawn. And good luck at Thunderball. Because in a match like that where anything goes and anything can happen, you're going to need it. Jake leans in toward Shawn and smiles. JR: ... Trust me. Shawn's music cues up again as he heads away from ringside, looking no less confident, as Jake grins after him. Kid Kash, Jamie Noble and Dean Malenko vs. Ultimo Dragon, Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore[/i] The story in this one, of course, is Kid Kash and Ultimo Dragon, who'll go one-on-one for Dragon's Cruiserweight Title in two weeks' time at Thunderball. But it's a cruiserweight six-man tag, so story largely takes a back seat to fast-paced action and periodic high-flying, most of the latter on the part of the face team. The crowd occasionally tries to get a "boring" chant going against Dean Malenko, but he really doesn't spend enough time working body parts for it to take hold; the tags generally come fast and furious. For their part, Kash and Dragon only really get to mix it up once, and not for very long; after a pretty decent exchange, Dragon tries to hook Kash up for the Asai DDT, and Kash escapes back to his corner and tags out. Toward the end, everybody gets in on the action and starts brawling outside the ring, and you know where that's leading in a match like this. With everybody on the outside, Scotty 2-Hotty, of all people, goes up to the top rope and comes soaring off onto the mass of humanity below him. Once he's back up, Scotty tosses Malenko into the ring, and as Malenko staggers to his feet, Scotty puts him down with a facebuster. Scotty gets psyched up for the Worm and dances his way to the other side of the ring -- W-O-R-springboard dropkick from Kid Kash! The announcers speculate that he must have avoided the brunt of Scotty's dive. Scotty's been knocked for a loop, and Kash finishes him with the Dead Level before anyone else has a chance to stop him. Kid Kash, Jamie Noble and Dean Malenko defeated Ultimo Dragon, Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore when Kash pinned 2-Hotty with the Dead Level in 0:07:04. Rating: *** A replay from moments ago shows us that, yes, Kash dodged most of Scotty's dive to the outside. While everyone else is still recovering, Kash goes over to the timekeeper's table and grabs the Cruiserweight Title belt. He brings the belt in the ring and spends a couple of seconds sizing it up on his waist. Then, seeing Dragon start to get back to his feet, he lays the belt in the center of the ring and exits stage left. Dragon wears a mask, but if we could better see the expression on his face, I think it would indicate that he hears Kash's message loud and clear. Jericho has a match, right?[/i] "Break the wall dooooooooown!" The crowd boos with gusto as Chris Jericho makes his way down to the ring. He's dressed to wrestle, though the announcers note that he does not technically have a match scheduled. Jericho hits the ring and grabs a mic. CJ: You know, I may be a huge, huge rock star, known all around the world for my amazing musicianship as well as my incomparable in-ring abilities. But as a serious musician, I don't merely limit myself to rock 'n roll. No, I see to it that my ears hear everything they can hear -- from pop and country to opera and classical. Some I like, some I don't, but all of it I can appreciate. There's just one thing I'm sick of hearing: chants for that rowdy midget Jay McCereal. The crowd starts chanting "6-1-9" just to piss Jericho off. CJ: Shut up! I'm tired of hearing Jay McCereal this, Jay McCereal that. That little weiner becomes No. 1 contender for my Precious, and all of a sudden, you people can't stop talking about him. Even as he's spent the last few weeks doing nothing but fighting my minions, all I hear is that at Thunderball, he's coming for the WWL World Heavyweight Title, and Y-2-J had best be prepared. What a ridiculous thing to say to me! Me, be prepared to face an opponent the size of a G.I. Joe action figure? In what cruel and twisted alternate universe would I have any difficulty putting down that masked hobbit? Jericho stops to catch his breath and cool down. CJ: But then I realized why people keep chanting Jay McCereal's name. It's not because they think he stands any chance of beating me and taking away the top prize in this business today. It's just because he's made himself visible, while I've been far too busy being amazing to attend to your needs. And for that, I feel remorse. In fact, I felt so bad about it that I decided to make it up to you. All Jay McCereal has done is defeat my underlings -- but right here tonight, in this very ring, I will take on one of the biggest, toughest, most menacing entrants in the Thunderball Battle Royal. I know I'm putting my well-being at risk doing this, but it's worth it to show you, the fans, just how much I appreciate you for your unwavering worship of me. Let's bring him out right now! Non-title match: Chris Jericho vs. Funaki[/i] Oh, that wacky Jericho. Biggest, toughest, most menacing indeed. Funaki is not to be underestimated as a competitor, but none of the three adjectives Jericho chose even comes close to describing him. Funaki, to his credit, realizes the kind of opportunity he has here, and when he does get a chance to go on the offensive, he takes advantage of it. But for all his goofiness, Jericho is a very skilled opponent, and after a few offensive bursts from Funaki, Jericho shuts him down. Jericho very clearly has Funaki beaten following a Flashback and a Lionsault, but he decides to take a shot at Rey Mysterio by sending Funaki into the ropes with a drop toe hold, shouting "2-0-4!" -- which, the announcers helpfully tell us, is the area code for Winnipeg -- and delivering a second-rope guillotine, or whatever the hell that move Kevin Nash always uses is called. Following that, Jericho drags Funaki into the center of the ring and locks in the Walls of Jericho for the tapout victory. Chris Jericho made Funaki submit to the Walls Of Jericho in 0:03:11. Rating: *** 1/4Jericho is declared the winner, but he's not done -- shortly after the bell, he blindsides Funaki and re-applies the Walls of Jericho. The referee tries to convince him to stop, but to no avail -- until the crowd pops for the arrival of Rey Mysterio, who hurtles down to the ring and attacks Jericho to break the hold. No sooner has Rey gotten his first shot in, though, than Jerichoholics Anonymous follow him to the ring and pounce on him before he can really do any damage to Jericho. Jericho and his flunkies then triple-team Rey, culminating in Disco Inferno and Lenny Lane holding Mysterio in place while Jericho levels him with the title belt. Jericho and his Jerichoholics leave Rey lying in the ring to a chorus of boos. The best-laid plans of mice and Mason[/i] Backstage, we see, down a long corridor, Matthew Bloom having a friendly conversation with some security guards. Closer to the camera, we see Andrew Martin peer around a corner at Bloom and the guards, then look in the other direction. The camera pans over to show Clarence Mason, wrapped up in a robe – presumably to hide whatever ridiculous outfit he’s been forced to wear – glancing around furtively. CM: We don’t have a lot of time before they realize I’m not just going to the bathroom, so listen carefully. AM: You got it, bossman. CM: Goldust, Rico and Miss Jackie gained possession of my … services via a match stipulation. Therefore, it would be perfectly legal for my freedom to be won back via a match stipulation. AM: Right. CM: But because someone didn’t pay close enough attention to the contract that was signed, you and Bloom are unable to come in contact with any of those three, rendering you unable to face them for my freedom. AM: Come on, man, I was just trying to get la— CM: So the only way to win my freedom would be by challenging them to a match, but not with either of you. AM: So we just need to find someone to fight on our behalf? CM: That’s one way to do it – but I have a better idea. Because all three of them were part of the match where I lost my freedom, any of the three can be challenged. You’ll have to be the ones who throw out the challenge, but I’ve got the perfect match: Miss Jackie versus Clarence Mason. AM: Clarence, you old dog! Hey, save some for me, why don’t you? CM: Will you stop thinking with your testicles and just listen? Now, if you’re going to make this challenge, it is very, very important that you make one thing crystal clear. AM: Hey baby, how you doin’? The camera pans over to show that Miss Jackie has just walked in from the opposite direction. MJ: Catch me if you can, big boy. AM: That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Giggity giggity! Jackie runs off, and Martin chases after her. CM: No, you idiot! I didn’t get to the important part! You need to – oh no. The camera pans over to show Goldust and Rico looking impatiently at Clarence. After a moment’s hesitation, he runs off after Martin, with Goldust and Rico in hot pursuit. Inexplicably, the action suddenly gets sped up and “Yakety Sax” starts playing (enjoy! www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnHmskwqCCQ) as Jackie, Martin, Mason, Goldust and Rico all chase down the hallway where Bloom and the guards are. Bloom, seeing Clarence being chased, gives chase himself to Goldust and Rico, and the security guards chase after him, waving their nightsticks. A surprisingly comprehensive set of cameras follows the chase down several hallways – Jackie, Martin, Mason, Goldust and Rico, Bloom, and the security guards. Finally, the chase proceeds to the loading area. Jackie turns a corner and ducks under a steel shutter that’s halfway open, but Martin, who’s not paying attention to his surroundings, crashes face-first into the shutter and knocks himself out cold. Mason freezes, seeing Martin KOed, and that allows Goldust and Rico to grab him, hustle him underneath the shutter with them and close it all the way. Bloom arrives to a closed shutter, an unconscious Martin and no escape from the security guards. Resignedly, Bloom looks into the camera and gives the sideways Benny Hill salute. Lumberjack Match: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Diamond Dallas Page[/i] Surrounding the ring for this one are the majority of the Thunderball Battle Royal entrants, but a few people are conspicuous by their absence. Because of their recent adventures backstage, Goldust, Rico and the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom aren’t out there. Nor is Funaki, who is no doubt still recovering from the beating he took from Chris Jericho moments ago, and nor are Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari, who are either concerned about everyone ganging up on them – as the heels don’t much like them either – or just trying to stay away from Kane. But we’ve still got a pretty healthy complement of lumberjacks, largely divided into faces on one side and heels on the other. Diamond Dallas Page and John Bradshaw Layfield start things out slow, trying to feel each other out and avoid getting too close to any unsympathetic lumberjacks. Hardly anything even happens prior to a mid-match commercial break, but during that break, JBL manages to get the advantage after hitting a powerslam, thanks in large part to a distraction from Jeff Jarrett. JBL takes over on offense, once or twice pitching DDP to the floor on the heel side so they can tee off on him. DDP eventually backdrops his way out of a powerbomb attempt and gets in some offense of his own, including one instance of tossing JBL to the face lumberjacks. DDP continues the offense and sets JBL up for the Diamond Cutter, but JBL shoves him into the turnbuckle and applies a sleeperhold as DDP staggers back to him. DDP looks like he’s going down, but we all know that isn’t going to end the match, and with the face lumberjacks cheering him on, DDP breaks the hold with a jawbreaker. Both men are down. Both guys slowly get back to their feet and start a slugfest, each being cheered by his respective side of the ring. DDP wins the slugfest, as the babyface always does, and starts a rally. JBL survives with a few well-placed cheap shots, but DDP is firmly in control. After a belly-to-back flapjack, DDP gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter, but before he can turn his attention to JBL, Jarrett is up on the apron. Jarrett gets into it with DDP and gets slugged for his troubles, working the heel side into a lather, which further distracts DDP. JBL gets back to his feet and loads up a Clothesline from Hell, but seeing the unfair advantage JBL has, Shawn Michaels idly grabs JBL’s foot. JBL, annoyed, pulls his foot free, and charges in with the Clothesline from Hell, but DDP has had enough time to recover and he ducks under it. JBL turns around and eats Diamond Cutter. DDP doesn’t get a chance to cover, though, as Gene Snitsky pulls him out of the ring first and starts beating on him. The babyfaces run over to put a stop to that, but it just degenerates into a brawl and the referee has no choice but to throw the whole thing out. [Lumberjack Match]: John Bradshaw Layfield and Diamond Dallas Page battled to a double disqualification in 0:15:33. Rating: ** 1/2As the brawl intensifies, it gradually spills into the ring, and security is dispatched in a futile attempt to break it up. G: Folks, we could be seeing a preview of the Thunderball Battle Royal right here tonight, as a huge number of entrants into the 30-man, over-the-top-rope battle royal have broken things down into a Pier Six brawl! We’re out of time, but I’m sure we’ll see this battle pick right back up in two weeks at Thunderball! Don’t miss it – and don’t miss Monday Night Action right here, next week! For the Honky Tonk Man, I’m Garth! Good night! Card rating: ***Matches signed for Thunderball:Thunderball Battle Royal for a WWL World Heavyweight Title shot: Diamond Dallas Page, Gene Snitsky, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jeff Jarrett, Shawn Michaels, Carlito Caribbean Cool, Kane, Muhammad Hassan, Khosrow Daivari, Rhyno, The Sandman, Jamie Noble, Andrew Martin, Matthew Bloom, Chris Sabin, Funaki, Goldust, Rico, Scotty 2-Hotty, Shannon Moore, Lenny Lane, Disco Inferno, Dean Malenko, seven to be announced WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Rey Mysterio Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Kid Kash No Holds Barred Match: Steven Richards vs. Matt Hardy WWL Tag Team Titles: The Lords of the Dance (c) vs. The Dudley Boyz
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Post by snabbit888 on Jul 20, 2012 17:10:58 GMT -5
7/18/05:
Strong opening segment. I wish I had the patience to do fully-written interviews again. I always enjoyed them, but it's just hard to get anything done. JBL & Jarrett will never learn to shut up, which makes for entertaining theater.
Isn't Matt Hardy's "AHHHHH!" move a legdrop usually? Richards messing with Hardy is always fun, because, eh, to hell with Hardy. Good title retention for Rhyno.
I enjoy that you're doing Hassan the way he should have been done in real life.
The Lords of the Dance are so strange. And enjoyable. As are your use of words like "panicky."
After the interview with Hassan earlier, it was pretty clear that their interference would save Jarrett from an untimely demise.
Rey Mysterio is so cute.
Richards needs to do the Zoidberg crab walk all the time. ALL. THE. TIME.
Jake Roberts is creepy. The Snake Pit is awesome, and I'm glad it's back as a normal segment for you.
Standard spotfest fare. Nothing wrong with that. It's fun. Kash is a bad ass. Too bad he is such an asshole.
2-0-4!
Sex-crazed Andrew Martin seriously gives me the creeps. Sexy Clarence Mason, on the other hand... And yes! Benny Hill action is always necessary in wrestling.
Fun lumberjack with the pretty standard "going into the Rumble" schmoz ending, which I happen to love as an angle.
Looking forward to the ppv!
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Post by JoshiQ on Jul 21, 2012 21:48:42 GMT -5
A great segment to start off the show, gives us our main event, and sets up the evening nicely.
Didn't know if you'd have Rhyno drop the strap here, but I'm glad he retained. I like how he is fighting all comers. Richards still has me confused and I wonder where it is all leading with him.
You almost have me feeling sorry for Hassan and Daivari. Almost.
Goldust and Rico had so much momentum going into their title match, I thought they might be able to pull it out. I'm glad to see the Dudleys will be the ones to challenge the Lords of the Dance at Thunderball. I'm hoping that they take the straps because I'm not a huge fan of Miller and La Parka at this point.
No problem with Kane and Jarrett doing to a DQ. A win here doesn't help either man all that much, but it would definitely hurt the loser.
I like the segment with Mysterio/Jericho and Mysterio going over Lane. It does help build up the anticipation for the PPV. Exactly what I was looking for.
The Snake Pit once again steals the show.
204! Best finisher ever!
Even more heat for Mysterio and Jericho and none too soon.
That style of over the top comedy hardly ever works, especially where it's written down instead of visual, but you pulled it off somehow. I really feel like I should dislike this whole Mason/Bloom/Martin/Jackie/Rico/Goldust stuff, but it holds my attention every time and actually has me laughing. Very strange indeed.
And a good way to end the show to get Thunderball over.
Good show, Garth. Can't wait for the next one.
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Sept 13, 2012 12:49:00 GMT -5
(This is going to seem like an awful tease, considering how long it's been since my lazy ass posted anything, but rest assured I have a completed edition of Monday Night Action ready to go; it will be up a day or so after this short update)
WWL RUSH: JULY 24, 2005
Disco Inferno vs. Chris Sabin[/i]
Chris Sabin hasn’t had a lot to do lately, but he’s got a reputation here in the WWL as a solid competitor who gives it his all every time he goes out to the ring. Or some sports cliché like that. He’s also got a match with Kid Kash coming up tomorrow night on Monday Night Action – No. 1 contender Kash and Cruiserweight Champion Ultimo Dragon both have warm-up matches for Thunderball on Action, Dragon’s against Dean Malenko – so Sabin is looking to build some momentum going into that. Disco Inferno is, well, Disco Inferno. He gets some offense in, but Sabin controls most of the match. The Cradle Shock spells the end for Disco Inferno.
Chris Sabin pinned Disco Inferno with the Cradle Shock in 0:04:28. Rating: *** 1/4
Chris Masters vs. Muhammad Hassan[/i]
Both of these competitors are heels, which would normally make for an odd dynamic, but it's pretty well established in the WWL that even the heels hate Muhammad Hassan. And if Chris Masters didn't already dislike Hassan, he definitely does after Hassan berates him in a short pre-match mic spot for being the typical lazy American who doesn't live up to his potential. Hey, this is the B-show, the mic spots get recapped here. Masters jumps Hassan from behind to start the match, but Hassan quickly takes control. Hassan lays in the cheap shots when he has the opportunity, with Khosrow Daivari loudly berating Masters throughout the match. Masters does get a few shots in, but it isn't until he catches Hassan coming off the ropes with a powerslam that things seem to be turning in Masters' favor. With Hassan stunned, Masters readies for the Masterlock, but Hassan turns around as Masters approaches and catches him with his modified STO. That puts Masters down, and Hassan, after taking a couple of seconds to gloat, locks in the Camel Clutch for the submission victory.
Muhammad Hassan made Chris Masters submit to the Camel Clutch in 0:03:50. Rating: * 1/2
The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom vs. Rob Eckos & Wavell Starr (unsigned)[/i]
Ever since they lost Clarence Mason to Goldust and Rico at Licence to Kill, the Law Firm have been on the receiving end of embarrassment after embarrassment. That’s meant good things for their opponents, who could take advantage of distractions, but it’s not so good a thing for their opponents tonight, who have no distractions to benefit from. On top of that, Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom are in really shitty moods and have a lot of frustration to take out. The match is pretty much a systematic demolition of the Law Firm’s hapless opponents. Eventually, Eckos gets chucked to the floor, and Starr ends up on the receiving end of Summary Judgment (Bloom tossing an opponent into the boot of a charging Martin). Game, set, match.
The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom defeated Rob Eckos and Wavell Starr when Martin pinned Starr with the Summary Judgment in 0:02:13. Rating: *
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Konnan[/i]
Try saying that match-up five times fast. Carlito is trying to get back on the winning side of things here, as he’s not built much momentum for the Thunderball Battle Royal since his tough loss to Shawn Michaels at Licence to Kill. Hey, want to get really wasted? Go through all my cards from the top and take a drink every time I use the word “momentum.” Anyway, Carlito starts this one off by spitting a big mouthful of apple right in the face of Konnan. Konnan doesn’t take too kindly to the gesture and responds by attacking Carlito right off the bat. Konnan gets in a lot of offense early on, but Carlito eventually escapes the ring to break Konnan’s momentum (drink!), and when he gets back in, things get off to a more even keel. There’s actually a decent amount of back-and-forth thanks to Konnan’s temper and size advantage, and Carlito’s sneakiness. After an extended period of Konnan dominance, Carlito manages to take the advantage after sending a charging Konnan into the ring post. Carlito maintains the advantage for a little while until Konnan ducks under a springboard back elbow, hits the ropes and drops Carlito with a rolling clothesline as he gets up. Konnan gets some big moves in, including a Splash Mountain and a DDT, but he can’t keep Carlito down for three. Konnan eventually gets a sitdown faceslam and looks like he might pull off the upset, but Carlito gets his foot on the rope. Konnan grabs the leg and tries to set up Carlito for the Tequila Sunrise, but Carlito reaches up and rakes the eyes. Konnan is stunned, and Carlito takes the opportunity to roll him up. Carlito gets his feet on the ropes and manages to hold Konnan down for three.
Carlito Caribbean Cool pinned Konnan after an inside cradle in 0:08:06. Rating: ** 3/4
Carlito slinks out of the ring to celebrate as a disappointed Konnan curses to himself in the ring. Rush announcers Sean Edmunds and Christopher Nowinski remind everyone that Thunderball is just one week away, and that things are sure to heat up on Monday Night Action tomorrow – Kid Kash will face Chris Sabin, Ultimo Dragon will face Dean Malenko, Rhyno and the Sandman will face the unlikely team of Matt Hardy and Steven Richards, and all the participants in the Thunderball Battle Royal will be looking to make one last impact before the pay-per-view. Don’t miss it, or I’ll strap you down, tape your eyes open and force you to watch the entire Heroes of Wrestling PPV minus the 2 Cold Scorpio-Julio Fantastico match.
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Post by snabbit888 on Sept 13, 2012 12:54:35 GMT -5
Not a lot going on in the B-show, but, ROBBIE E! *fist pumps*
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Post by allpowerfulgarth on Sept 14, 2012 12:23:16 GMT -5
I actually have a fairly substantial list of potential jobbers from this era, so the time-shift WWL has undergone as a result of my laziness gives me the opportunity to use guys like Robbie E as jobbers years before they might become relevant. I have a few more "hey, it's that guy!" jobbers in mind for forthcoming B-shows.
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